Sitting at work broken hearted

[Sadwife37]

I found out almost six months ago that my husband of 10 years had been having a long term affair. For about 2 years we had been having relationship issues. Life was busy, his work is stressful, money was tight, etc. very typical family issues. I started to suspect that he may be having an affair because he seemed very distant and distracted and our sex life was not great, to say the least.

I asked him to please tell me what was happening. I begged him to be open with us and to trust me to deal with and be able to handle whatever was going on. He promised me that he was being honest with me. He swore that he was not having an affair, had never had one, and was very happy with me and our life. He put my fears back on me. Saying I had a problem with trust. I tried very hard to make things better and have faith in my husband, even though deep inside I knew something was going on. I was fighting for my family and husband and happy life.

I finally couldn't take it any more and one morning I made him give me his iPhone. He sat next to me while I looked through his emails and texts, all the while saying this was crazy and I should trust and believe him. I finally came across 2 emails way down in his deleted folder that were to a female and the subject lines were "I miss you" and "how is you day going, Beautiful".

Instantly he denied knowing the woman they were addressed too. But that only lasted a few seconds. He finally knew he was caught and couldn't lie anymore.

 

During the next few hours everything came out. 3 years ago he met her through work and became friends. They emailed and texted fairly regularly. It took over a year before the relationship became more than friendship. He said it just suddenly crossed the line into something more and he got caught up in it and let it happen. For about a month they talked on the phone and emailed daily. Then he went to her house three times over a two month period and had sex with her. Always in the afternoon. They both left work to meet up. She is also married with children. After the 3rd sexual meeting they decided this could not continue. Both of them were feeling guilty and having trouble at home.

 

Although the physical relationship ended the emotional relationship continued and increased. They talked on the phone every day and sent emails. My husband had not actually seen her since the last time they had sex in Feb 2011 but they talked every day until I discovered the affair.

 

He was so dishonest with me for so long. We have been together since high school and I have always been totally faithful and honest. The level of his betrayal is absolutely devastating. I have never had sex with another man. I think about his girlfriend all the time. Why he chose her, what she has that I don't. I feel so rejected.

 

We have gone to couples therapy and he had had individual therapy. He is begging me to stay with him and to keep our family together. He says it was a horrible meaningless mistake. He takes full responsibility for it and does seem very remorseful. He sent he an email the morning I found out telling her that I knew everything and the relationship was a mistake and he was choosing to try and save his family and would never see her or talk to her again. I believe he has had no contact with her since.

 

I want to believe him and try and give our family another chance but I am so hurt. I am haunted by the images of them together. I think about her all the time. He says it wasn't the case but I feel that he wanted her bad enough to risk everything. He says he was lost, and unhappy, and not thinking clearly. He didn't choose her over me. He was in a place where he didn't consider the consequences. He says his only feelings about her are negative. He regrets that it happened and would give anything to change it. He is ashamed and disappointed in himself and will never forgive himself for the grief he has caused me.

 

I never thought I would consider staying after this type of betrayal. And I am hurting more than I thought possible. The fear and doubt is so powerful. Very few people know about this, so I don't really have much support. Some girlfriends that know think I am crazy to try and stay. It would certainly be easier to walk away. I do believe trying to forgive and trust again is the harder path.

Am I crazy to stay? Will the pain ever be managed? Will I ever not doubt him? Will I ever feel good enough again? I have let his mistake confirm and reinforce all of my own insecurities. My days are very sad right now. But I am hoping for better days in the future. If it wasn't for my 3 children, I am certain that I would have walked away.

 

I wanted to share my story, even though it is long. Please share your advice . I typed it on my iPhone- sorry if I have typing mistakes.

[96nole]

Yep, it hurts. It will never be the same as it was before. But it's also been 6 months since you found out. You were smart to not make any knee jerk reactions.

 

Can you verify that he has been NC with the other woman?

 

Is he still remorseful?

 

Have you told him the feelings you are still having?

 

What has he done to make you feel safe in the marriage lately?

 

What has he done to make you feel you can trust him?

 

Do you still love him and he love you?

 

How is he with the children?

 

How is he with you?

 

His affair is not necessarily a death sentence to your M. But he needs to be doing to work to save it and to rebuild your trust. If he is, then you may be able to save your M. If he is not doing the work, then there is no point staying, even with 3 kids.

 

Give honest answers to the questions I listed above. We all know the hurt and pain and will try to help you the best we can.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sorry for your pain. I think things can heal...but he has to prove himself.

 

Does he ever see this woman at work anymore? Not good if so.

 

Also you can setup an online account with your wireless provider and monitor his activity. I'm with ATT and I can see all incoming and outgoing numbers for calls and texts. You may not see the messages themselves but if you know the #s you are looking for, that's enough.

 

EDIT - just the additional thought that affair partners(AP) like to "check up" on each other. They like to see if their marriages(M) are back on track, etc. It can lead to communication starting up all over again.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Steen719]

 

He was so dishonest with me for so long. We have been together since high school and I have always been totally faithful and honest. The level of his betrayal is absolutely devastating. I have never had sex with another man. I think about his girlfriend all the time. Why he chose her, what she has that I don't. I feel so rejected.

 

The feeling of rejection is, IMHO, the hardest thing to understand. Why? Why?

 

 

I want to believe him and try and give our family another chance but I am so hurt. I am haunted by the images of them together. I think about her all the time. He says it wasn't the case but I feel that he wanted her bad enough to risk everything. He says he was lost, and unhappy, and not thinking clearly. He didn't choose her over me. He was in a place where he didn't consider the consequences. He says his only feelings about her are negative. He regrets that it happened and would give anything to change it. He is ashamed and disappointed in himself and will never forgive himself for the grief he has caused me.

 

To me, this is the question that he would have to explain. Why was he unhappy and lost? I am not saying you cannot make it work; you can and there are people here who have done that successfully. My experience is that I stayed after the 1st time and I don't think I really identified "why" and when it happened again 14 years later, I wondered why I didn't realize that he had done it to me when things were good the first time. That alone should have told me something.

 

If you don't know anything else, though, you should know this is something he did and it is because of something within him, not you. He has some wiring that allowed him to do it and I would have no idea what that is, but he needs to find out before you go forward. If you allow the marriage to continue as it is without really figuring out why this happened, it won't be healing it as it will just be sweeping the problems under the rug. What do the counselors say?

 

Does her husband know? Do you believe they stopped the physical part while they continued talking every day for a year? When was the "I miss you text"? More recently than a year ago? If so, that tells you something right there.

 

I would not worry about what your girlfriends think, or anyone else, for that matter. This is your life and your decision. It is a horrible place to be, that is for sure. Sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, I and others right here on this forum, know it all too well.

[96nole]

Sorry for your pain. I think things can heal...but he has to prove himself.

 

Does he ever see this woman at work anymore? Not good if so.

 

Also you can setup an online account with your wireless provider and monitor his activity. I'm with ATT and I can see all incoming and outgoing numbers for calls and texts. You may not see the messages themselves but if you know the #s you are looking for, that's enough.

 

EDIT - just the additional thought that affair partners(AP) like to "check up" on each other. They like to see if their marriages(M) are back on track, etc. It can lead to communication starting up all over again.

 

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!! We have a winner! That's what happened to my WW and her OM. Now I'm almost divorced and she's currently living with him at his mommy's house. That's one of the reasons I asked if you can verify if he has been NC with her.

[Sadwife37]

I will try and answer the questions you posed.

I have tried to confirm that there has been NC since. He promises that there has been no contact and I do look at his phone quite regularly. I also sent her an email about 2 months ago and asked her to please tell me if the relationship was still going on. She replied to me saying that there has been no contact since. She said she was sorry for my heart break and regretted the decisions and choices she had made. She said she would not contact him again and hoped I would give my marriage another chance because she believed he loved me and that their relationship was a mistake.

- He is still very remorseful. He never brings up the affair but when ever I do he always says things like he regrets it, feels awful all the time, and wants to find a way for me to be happy again. He will often hug me and say things like " I am so grateful that you are here" or " I thank God every day that you are still in my life". He says he wants to spend his life trying to make me happy again.

- He does know my feelings. He knows the pain, fear, and grief that I still feel. We still talk about this almost every day. I cry often and am very open with him about that. He says it breaks his heart to see me hurting so badly and to know that he caused it.

- to make me feel safe, I would say that he tries to reassure me that he wants to be with only me. He always leaves his phone out now and I know all his passwords. He tells me where he is during the day. We text and email and talk on the phone during the day. He tries to keep me included in his work and we talk a lot. He has answered every question that I asked about the affair. At times I have asked very personal detailed things that he told me because I said I needed to know - even though he knew it would be painful.

- he is great with our kids. Since the affair came out he is much less stressed. He is more patient and relaxed. He does not yell near as much as he did before. And he says he feels happy and at ease now whereas before he was always stressed and anxious. His overall mood is much better. He says he was so lost and he didn't even know it. Now he is finally happy.

-he says he loves me compley and with his whole heart. He says his greatest mistake and regret is having hurt me. I do love him. I would never be going through this if I didn't love him. I hope for happiness again. I had intended to spend my life with him. I hope I can find a way through this and that we can have a happy life together. It means trusting and believing in him again. And actually accepting this affair as a mistake and not a message about me.

[Ninja'sHusband]

It's good he sounds remorseful.

 

The online checking is better in some ways because those entries can't be deleted. ON the phone itself you can see the messages, but only if they weren't deleted.

 

My STBXWW seemed remorseful, transparent, etc. But she had been lying about the scope of the whole thing AND was still in communication with OM, deleting texts so I couldn't see them on the phone. The only way I put a stop to that was checking online. Sad but true.

[Spark1111]

Sadwife.....6 months is a drop in the bucket to heal from infidelity.

 

The average is 2 - 5 years, and the emotions are like a roller coaster; shock, denial, anger, bargaining, forgiveness and acceptance.

 

It is positive he is being so remorseful and transparent.

 

I think for us BSs, we are desperate to know the "why" of our Wandering Spouse's actions and that can take a lot of time and individual therapy for them to acheive.

 

He needs to be willing to do the work, and it is hard work, to find out what allowed him to make such a self-destructive choice and sustain it for so long.

 

It rarely has anything to do with you. It is usually something broken within the cheater, and often, that started in childhood in their family or origin.

 

You also will need to forge a new relationship together if you stay; one built on mutual respect and kind and honest communication.

 

Being unhappy and anxious is a symptom, not a cause for infidelity, because plenty of unhappy people whould never choose to cheat on their partner.

 

I wish you peace. Keep reading and educating yourself regarding infidelity. There is a lot of great and free information on the web.

 

And until you feel stronger, you have every right to decide NOT to decide anything about your marriage right now.

[Ninja'sHusband]

 

Being unhappy and anxious is a symptom, not a cause for infidelity, because plenty of unhappy people whould never choose to cheat on their partner.

Such a good point...wow...

[96nole]

Such a good point...wow...

 

I agree. That is a great line.

[BetheButterfly]

I will try and answer the questions you posed.

I have tried to confirm that there has been NC since. He promises that there has been no contact and I do look at his phone quite regularly. I also sent her an email about 2 months ago and asked her to please tell me if the relationship was still going on. She replied to me saying that there has been no contact since. She said she was sorry for my heart break and regretted the decisions and choices she had made. She said she would not contact him again and hoped I would give my marriage another chance because she believed he loved me and that their relationship was a mistake.

 

I think it's good that you wrote her and she wrote back. It is an encouraging sign that she is asking you to give your marriage another chance. I think that means it is possible both are not wanting to continue their affair.

 

- He is still very remorseful. He never brings up the affair but when ever I do he always says things like he regrets it, feels awful all the time, and wants to find a way for me to be happy again. He will often hug me and say things like " I am so grateful that you are here" or " I thank God every day that you are still in my life". He says he wants to spend his life trying to make me happy again.

 

 

That is good. I wish he had the strength to not give in to temptation in the first place.

 

- He does know my feelings. He knows the pain, fear, and grief that I still feel. We still talk about this almost every day. I cry often and am very open with him about that. He says it breaks his heart to see me hurting so badly and to know that he caused it.

 

I am sorry for your hurt. I would be very hurt too if this happens to me. I am glad that you talk about it with him and that he is remorseful and understands a bit what he put you through.

 

- to make me feel safe, I would say that he tries to reassure me that he wants to be with only me. He always leaves his phone out now and I know all his passwords. He tells me where he is during the day. We text and email and talk on the phone during the day. He tries to keep me included in his work and we talk a lot. He has answered every question that I asked about the affair. At times I have asked very personal detailed things that he told me because I said I needed to know - even though he knew it would be painful.

 

These are all good signs that he truly is repentant and truly loves you and wants to change.

 

- he is great with our kids. Since the affair came out he is much less stressed. He is more patient and relaxed. He does not yell near as much as he did before. And he says he feels happy and at ease now whereas before he was always stressed and anxious. His overall mood is much better. He says he was so lost and he didn't even know it. Now he is finally happy.

 

He must have been feeling loads of guilt.

 

-he says he loves me compley and with his whole heart. He says his greatest mistake and regret is having hurt me. I do love him. I would never be going through this if I didn't love him. I hope for happiness again. I had intended to spend my life with him. I hope I can find a way through this and that we can have a happy life together. It means trusting and believing in him again. And actually accepting this affair as a mistake and not a message about me.

 

I will pray for y'all. It would be awesome if he never committed an affair again, and that your love and commitment to each other would grow stronger. That can happen!

 

I am sorry for your hurting and wish I could give you a hug, even though you don't know me. May your heart be healed, may your husband be faithful, may your relationship with him be repaired, and may your children and all your family be blessed!

[96nole]

Am I crazy to stay? Will the pain ever be managed? Will I ever not doubt him? Will I ever feel good enough again? I have let his mistake confirm and reinforce all of my own insecurities. My days are very sad right now. But I am hoping for better days in the future. If it wasn't for my 3 children, I am certain that I would have walked away.

.

 

You're not crazy to stay. Many of us also stayed after the first time they were cheated on. But if he cheats again, RUN! Because it will get easier for him to cheat every time after that. And don't worry about what your friends say. It's not their life. And it's easy for someone to say what they will do if they are in a situation, but they either are not or have never been in that situation.

 

The pain will be managed through time and hard work. Mainly his hard work to show you he is sorry and won't do it again. That he is completely committed to you.

 

There will always be a sliver of doubt. It's unavoidable at this point. The unblemished trust is broken. While it can be put back together, there will always be the scars of the break. Time and his hard work to earn back your trust will make the scars smaller.

 

You will feel good enough. You should start feeling good enough now. He is the one that made the mistake. It's a problem with him, not you.

[Sadwife37]

Thanks for the post. I do agree with you. Our therapist talks a lot about my husband having a lack of intimate relationships and not truly being intimate with anyone. Even as a child he always felt distance with his parents and never really connected honestly. He never really would show emotion or talk about feelings. Always guarded and quiet. He has never previously displayed much empathy for my feelings. It was always like he could just turn that off. We have been going to councelling every week for the past 6 months. Sometimes both of us but mostly just him. The therapist says my husband has made big advances and is communicating much better and displaying more empathy and intimacy. I do know that my husband has shown far more emotion during this process than ever before. I can see pain in his eyes when he talks about how bad he feels for hurting me. It is very new for me to actually see emotion in him. And I would say I had never seen him cry before this affair came out. He describes the past several years as being like he was shut down and tuned out. He didn't put any work or effort into us and didn't think about anything. Just going through the motions but not really being there. He behaved like he was in a fog or a daze without stopping to think or feel or consider. He says he was in a lonely dark place for a long time but was so tuned out that he couldn't even see that. It took me finding out, our endless talking, him seeing my pain, and all the counselling for him to see this.

 

He is a lawyer and so is the OW. They do not work together and practice different areas of law. He says he hasn't even seen her since the last time he went to her house for sex 15 months ago. The phone/email contact only ended 6 months ago when I found out about the affair. She is also married with young children and as far as I know her husband does not know about the affair.

[Character Floss]

First, I am so sorry for your pain. You are helping me see that pain I have thrust upon my wife.

 

One thing I offered my wife, if we were to reconcile or be on that path for sure, is to put an application on my phone that would give her access to all emails/texts and GPS location, in real time. It was not an expensive application either.

 

There are similar programs for computers, though if he has a corporately-managed PC/laptop that could be difficult.

 

I am sorry for your pain and wish you the best. It sounds like he really loves you, and you certainly love him; neither of which mean you have to stay with him, but just saying.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the post. I do agree with you. Our therapist talks a lot about my husband having a lack of intimate relationships and not truly being intimate with anyone. Even as a child he always felt distance with his parents and never really connected honestly. He never really would show emotion or talk about feelings. Always guarded and quiet. He has never previously displayed much empathy for my feelings. It was always like he could just turn that off. We have been going to councelling every week for the past 6 months. Sometimes both of us but mostly just him. The therapist says my husband has made big advances and is communicating much better and displaying more empathy and intimacy. I do know that my husband has shown far more emotion during this process than ever before. I can see pain in his eyes when he talks about how bad he feels for hurting me. It is very new for me to actually see emotion in him. And I would say I had never seen him cry before this affair came out. He describes the past several years as being like he was shut down and tuned out. He didn't put any work or effort into us and didn't think about anything. Just going through the motions but not really being there. He behaved like he was in a fog or a daze without stopping to think or feel or consider. He says he was in a lonely dark place for a long time but was so tuned out that he couldn't even see that. It took me finding out, our endless talking, him seeing my pain, and all the counselling for him to see this.

 

He is a lawyer and so is the OW. They do not work together and practice different areas of law. He says he hasn't even seen her since the last time he went to her house for sex 15 months ago. The phone/email contact only ended 6 months ago when I found out about the affair. She is also married with young children and as far as I know her husband does not know about the affair.

 

If the situation was reversed and it was her husband that caught them, would you want to know the truth? Your husband went to THEIR MARITAL house and had sex with her. Don't you think her husband needs the truth?

 

Think about it.

[2sunny]

If the situation was reversed and it was her husband that caught them, would you want to know the truth? Your husband went to THEIR MARITAL house and had sex with her. Don't you think her husband needs the truth?

 

Think about it.

 

I agree - her Husband needs to be notified by your husband. Your H participated - HE needs to get honest with her husband. That will show IF he's truly committed to being honest with how HE participated in his deception.

 

It also allows the OW's husband to be aware of what character his wife lacks. He should be allowed the truth and to CHOOSE whether he wants to stay with a cheater as well.

 

And your H should be required to quit his job. Lawyer or not - there are consequences for bad behavior. You state that he hasn't SEEN her since the last time - but what has HE DONE to INSURE that he won't ever run into her again?

 

Even moving should be on the table! IF he intends to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to show remorse - he should also be willing to give up the job that allowed hi. The luxury of screwing her in her home in the middle of the day.

 

And don't think they won't keep doing it - cheaters lie. Her H deserves to know what anger she must have for her H - given the evidence of bringing another man into their marital home- the worst betrayal - and spews anger and bitterness toward her husband. And THIS is a woman he found attractive? And spent time and energy growing THAT relationship stronger while ignoring you?

 

YOU should be angry and hurt! And he should be changing and growing enough to understand that "I'm sorry" and " I feel remorse" isn't nearly enough to make up for the lies and pain he's caused.

 

He needs to get to the root of what is broken within him. The caused that justified him being so entitled to cause that kind of pain for someone he said he loved. Him being distant is just an excuse - he wasn't distant with the OW! He took time and energy to stay connected to her. And I'd bet money he's still doing it - he's just hiding it better. Look for a prepaid phone and secret email accounts. Place a key logger on his work computer and home computer.

 

He needs to give you access to EVERYTHING or he's out! He lost the freedom of trust when he cheated. IF he won't give you everything you ask of him - he's still cheating.

 

His OW was being nice because she's hoping you dont tell her husband. Best way to be more certain that they won't have contact is to tell her H. Tell him ASAP! He deserves to have truth. His OW deserves to also have consequences for her bad behavior.

 

On that note - I'm not sure your H has had much in the way of consequences... He may feel bad for you - but he also may just feel bad he got caught.

 

There are many ways to keep in contact so you don't know...stealth mode. Start checking with better technology. Voice activated recorder GPS etc. and don't tell him. If he lied before he can lie now. He needs to earn your trust back and his is part of the process.

 

And please don't believe it was only 3 times - they minimize what happened. If she risked doing it in their home - they certainly did other things in other places too.

 

 

Hugs

Edited May 10, 2012 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Thanks for the post. I do agree with you. Our therapist talks a lot about my husband having a lack of intimate relationships and not truly being intimate with anyone. Even as a child he always felt distance with his parents and never really connected honestly. He never really would show emotion or talk about feelings. Always guarded and quiet. He has never previously displayed much empathy for my feelings. It was always like he could just turn that off. We have been going to councelling every week for the past 6 months. Sometimes both of us but mostly just him. The therapist says my husband has made big advances and is communicating much better and displaying more empathy and intimacy. I do know that my husband has shown far more emotion during this process than ever before. I can see pain in his eyes when he talks about how bad he feels for hurting me. It is very new for me to actually see emotion in him. And I would say I had never seen him cry before this affair came out. He describes the past several years as being like he was shut down and tuned out. He didn't put any work or effort into us and didn't think about anything. Just going through the motions but not really being there. He behaved like he was in a fog or a daze without stopping to think or feel or consider. He says he was in a lonely dark place for a long time but was so tuned out that he couldn't even see that. It took me finding out, our endless talking, him seeing my pain, and all the counselling for him to see this.

 

He is a lawyer and so is the OW. They do not work together and practice different areas of law. He says he hasn't even seen her since the last time he went to her house for sex 15 months ago. The phone/email contact only ended 6 months ago when I found out about the affair. She is also married with young children and as far as I know her husband does not know about the affair.

 

She could have gotten prgnant by your H and hasn't seen him since because she didn't want him knowing about a pregnancy.

 

Anything is possible.

 

But I don't tend to think he hasn't seen her... How old is her youngest child?

[Sadwife37]

When I first found out I was sure I was going to tell her husband. I felt he deserved to know the truth and that I had no right to know this had happened and not tell him. I believe if it was reversed and he had found out I would 100% want to know the truth. And in his bed!!!! I hated her and wished all Hell for her. Still do if I am being honest. But after a lot of therapy and consideration I am more torn. She has two small children- under age 6. I know first hand how devastating this is. I am still suffering a great deal and my children are impacted. I am tormented about bring that to her children. If her husband leaves her, the children will suffer for that forever. Maybe I shouldn't't care. I am trying very hard to not seek revenge and act out of my pain. My husband betrayed me. He made promises to me.

I really know very little about the OW and her life. Maybe she has realized it was a mistake and is trying to heal her family. Maybe she is a cheating wench that doesn't care about anyone but herself. I just don't know. I am afraid the guilt of wrecking a family will weigh heavy on me with the weight I already have. I certainly know she did this to herself if I do tell him. I drive by their home otter thinking about telling him. And feeling very guilty about keeping this from him. My therapist believes I would be telling him for revenge as opposed to for anything good. It is in no way to protect my husband or the OW. It is hard to imagine bringing that pain into another home. What if this really was a huge mistake that they both regret and she is determined to live a good life from here being a good mom and wife. Should it be too late??? Is that my call? I do know without any doubt that I am a far better more compassionate person than she is. I do not want to act revengeful or cause additional pain.

[SomedayDig]

Sadwife, I totally understand where you're coming from. Having compassion for the other BS is something most of us have. However, his wife made her choice to have an affair with your husband. She is the one who brought this on their family - not you.

[Snowflower]

When I first found out I was sure I was going to tell her husband. I felt he deserved to know the truth and that I had no right to know this had happened and not tell him. I believe if it was reversed and he had found out I would 100% want to know the truth. And in his bed!!!! I hated her and wished all Hell for her. Still do if I am being honest. But after a lot of therapy and consideration I am more torn. She has two small children- under age 6. I know first hand how devastating this is. I am still suffering a great deal and my children are impacted. I am tormented about bring that to her children. If her husband leaves her, the children will suffer for that forever. Maybe I shouldn't't care. I am trying very hard to not seek revenge and act out of my pain. My husband betrayed me. He made promises to me.

I really know very little about the OW and her life. Maybe she has realized it was a mistake and is trying to heal her family. Maybe she is a cheating wench that doesn't care about anyone but herself. I just don't know. I am afraid the guilt of wrecking a family will weigh heavy on me with the weight I already have. I certainly know she did this to herself if I do tell him. I drive by their home otter thinking about telling him. And feeling very guilty about keeping this from him. My therapist believes I would be telling him for revenge as opposed to for anything good. It is in no way to protect my husband or the OW. It is hard to imagine bringing that pain into another home. What if this really was a huge mistake that they both regret and she is determined to live a good life from here being a good mom and wife. Should it be too late??? Is that my call? I do know without any doubt that I am a far better more compassionate person than she is. I do not want to act revengeful or cause additional pain.

 

I don't think telling is vengeful and I'm surprised that your therapist is saying this.

 

However, you have a lot to deal with in your own life right now and if you do not feel right-for whatever reason-about telling the other BS...then don't.

 

I do believe it is the compassionate thing to do to inform the other BS but I won't try to convince you to do otherwise.

 

Telling the BS is usually a highly-charged subject around here. Posters will have a lot of opinions about it-usually based on their own experiences and what they wish they had been told.

 

One thing I will say about telling the other BS is that if the affair is still going on between your H and the OW in any form (not just sex) that the BH, once he finds out, will be another set of eyes/ears and will make it that much more difficult for the OW to be with your H. It could have an added benefit for you.

 

However, I get the impression that you are trying to figure out how to go forward from all this...not whether or not to tell the other husband.

 

Like another poster said, 6 months is a drop in the bucket in healing from all this. However, I would say if your perspective is not more clear by a year (another 6 months from now) then you might need to make some major decisions. I'm not saying that you should feel healed by one year (impossible) but have an idea of whether you can continue your marriage or not.

 

You seem so very sad and I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep posting if it helps.

[2sunny]

I completely vote for telling the OW's Husband.

 

He has a right to make a choice for himself. He shokd know what his wife has done - the truth of who/what she is.

 

And in their bed? Holy crap - id be so pissed! And you should be pissed at your H for participating that way!!!

 

He was so disregarding that he had sex with her in their bed? Sheez, I'd say your Husband is scum. He couldn't even pay money for a motel in order to avoid disrespect on the ultimate level?

 

How can he look himself in the mirror?

 

Has he quit his job?

[whichwayisup]

She has two small children- under age 6. I know first hand how devastating this is. I am still suffering a great deal and my children are impacted. I am tormented about bring that to her children. If her husband leaves her, the children will suffer for that forever. Maybe I shouldn't't care. I am trying very hard to not seek revenge and act out of my pain. My husband betrayed me. He made promises to me.

 

Chances are, he knows something is 'off' and has been for a long time but she's downplayed it and told him all is fine. Telling him also ensures that the A IS over, and NC is in place for good.

 

The thing is, SHE risked her marriage and family unit as one by cheating and having sex with your H in their house. I certainly hope he didn't bring her to your house.

 

You telling now isn't revenge, it's giving him the truth so he can decide if his wife is worth fighting for. If she is smart and still loves him then she will do ALL that he asks and do counselling, be an open book, work on herself and become a better person, a better wife, a better mother. My guess is, he won't be shocked or totally surprised if you do decide to tell him. Would just confirm his own gut feelings on this and to know for sure as devastating as it is, atleast knowing the truth will make him feel less crazy. The gaslighting that goes on when a WS lies and denies can drive a sane BS, insane!!

[Furious]

Sadwife

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through...I can relate to your story.

 

I informed the OW's husband very soon after I found out. It was a hard decision but I'm glad I did. He said if it was him who'd found out he would have informed me.

 

What does your husband have to say on the matter? Is he against exposing?

 

I did not ask or invite my husbands opinion on exposing. I just did it, and if he got mad....well it was him who invited this crap into our lives, so too bad.

[Sadwife37]

My H and I fought about this last night. A long ugly nasty fight. I had him read many of the posts here. He had no idea I was even using this site. He does not want me to expose the A. He says that the A was a mistake and is totally over. We are working on us and that is what our focus should be. What the OW does or doesn't do is irrelevant b/c she is out of our lives. He says at least one family has a chance to not be destroyed by his and her repulsive behavior. He thinks telling will bring unnecessary pain to her H and kids.

 

There was no real end to the A. For 3 years they carried on texting/emailing and phoning. Sex happened 3 times 15 months ago but the emotional relationship only ended 6 months ago and only b/ c I discovered the A.

He sent her one email that said I found out, he was choosing to try and save his family and he would never see or communicate with her again. He says he has done this.

 

But I feel there is no closure. She may be just waiting for him to contact her. I really have no idea. At the very least I want him to tell her point blank how he feels about her and the A. That is was a huge mistake, he regrets it, wishes he could change it, feels repulsed when he thinks about sleeping with her in her H bed. I want her to know that he does not want her and would never be involved with her again. He doesn't even want to talk to her to do this. He wants me to just move past it and focus on me and him and us being happy again. I say there is so much mor to it.

 

A big part of me feels the need and responsibility to expose it. I absolutely believe her H does deserve to know. I am worried about the fallout from that. Our family and friends do not know about the A and her H may freak and make it all very exposed. That would be very painful for me.

 

I Do need him to tell her clearly it is over and he chooses me. I feel for 3 Years the OW got a very clear message that he was choosing her. Is this unreasonable? I know he will be uncomfortable doing this, but I don't care.

I can tell her but it won't mean anything coming from me. I feel it needs to come from him. I want it known that he is not staying away because I won't let him see her. She needs to know he doesn't want to see her.

 

I feel very hateful and full of spite and vengeance. Probably not surprising.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Sadwife37

[96nole]

My concern is if he is truly NC with her, that by him calling her and telling her what you want him to say, may have the opposite effect. Them hearing each others voice may re-spark something.

 

I'll be interested to see what others think as well.

 

You have every right to fell hateful and vengeful. But don't let it burn you out.