ScienceGal Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 (edited) The guy I am dating left a full time job with benefits. I understand that he hated his previous job and that it really stressed him out, not to mention the commute. I had no issue with him making that choice; however, it's been about a month now and he doesn't seem to be getting any more hours at the new job. In fact, he doesn't always know what he will be working week to week. He says he needs 20 hours a week to pay the bills, and that's about all he gets. Meanwhile, I am working 40+ hours, and taking on an even heavier workload in the next couple of months. I also try to be active in the community as much as I can. This has been on my mind, so of course it came out in conversation last night. And the fact that he lives with his ex wife (he corrected me and called her his friend) also came out. I know they're friends, it just makes me uncomfortable when I think about it. What really bothers me about the situation though, is the long term reality of it all. He is living with her because the rent is cheap. He isn't going to be able to leave until he makes more money = figuring out what he wants to do and getting a full time job. This comes full circle in my mind to the point where I realize he isn't going to be ready for the "next step" in our relationship anytime in the foreseeable future. I am not looking to rush things, but I feel that I have a right to ask him questions and feel a little concerned about his career plans. We're in the midst of our first "fight" because of this. There was no yelling, just definite tension and disagreement. He said he thinks that in time he can play a larger role at his new job with his business/marketing degree. I wondered how long someone should wait for that. I asked "what about if six months from now if you're still working 20 hours a week?" He was offended that I put a timeline on it. I explained that it was just a reference to the future and more me wondering how long he would stay there without being full time. He also said something to the effect that he knew I was out of his league, and something about him sabotaging the relationship. I don't know where we stand now, and I don't know how much of an issue this should be to me. Part of me just wants to relax and have fun, but the logical side of me says "Sciencegal, you're having sex with this guy... what if you get pregnant?" and "Sciencegal, there is a reason you're not settled down yet, it's because you keep making poor choices". I am 30 years old, and I would like to be in a relationship with someone who is in a similar situation as me, or at least ready for the things in life that I am (e.g. living together, marriage, kids). I want to be with someone who has drive and passion. I want to be with someone who is independent (and not living with their ex wife!). Is this so wrong? Edited May 9, 2012 by ScienceGal
january2011 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I would like to be in a relationship with someone who is in a similar situation as me, or at least ready for the things in life that I am (e.g. living together, marriage, kids). I want to be with someone who has drive and passion. I want to be with someone who is independent (and not living with their ex wife!). There you have it. He's not that guy. From the sounds of it, he's happy to coast and still has strong ties to his past. The situation with his ex-wife is messy, in my opinion. You need to be with someone who is on the same page and reading the same book at the same pace, but this guy is still looking at the contents page trying to decide which page to turn to.
dasein Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Few different issues that have overlap but are distinct. 1. Living with the ex wife, totally understandable on your part, and totally a dealkiller over time if he isn't making definite plans to get out. How could he expect you to take him seriously otherwise? He would likely feel similarly if you were living with an immediate ex, anyone would. Sorry to say, but that would be the main dealkiller for me. There simply have to be other living arrangements possible within his budget. 2. Hours in his new job. With the state of the economy, I would cut some slack on this. Employers have a complete buyers' market to divvy up work as they see fit, a guy there a month is not going to be getting the hours some other more proven person is. Unfortunately, it may be six months, more or even never before he is getting enough hours. You don't mention the possibility of a second job, is that precluded by an employment agreement or policy? If not, it's a touchy thing to bring up, but hell he's living with his ex wife, who on earth wouldn't do two jobs to escape that socially? 3. General compatibility, future family issues. Are you sure your thinking on this is not colored by some other doubts? If it is a truly independent concern, and you have been dating for awhile, some pointed questioning as to intent for the future is definitely in order. In your shoes, I'd expect to hear some articulable plan. Now if you have only been dating six months or so or less, that's pressing a bit and would handle it with kid gloves. After a year together, though, you have every right to raise these issues explicitly if sensitively. Good luck.
zengirl Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 SG, I think you're mixing too many issues together. Re: Work Someone who would trade a FT job for a PT one, without substantial savings, may be something I'd theoretically question, but I've definitely quit a job without another one before. I just had at least a year's worth of money saved up first. So, I understand the desire to quit as well. What is bothering you about his current economic circumstances? Be honest: is it the money? is it the hours? what is it? Do you question the WAY he's gone about certain things? Do you think he should be looking for something more solid but he seems uninterested? Is he unlucky or did he make choices you wouldn't make or recommend? etc etc. I really can't say on any of this with the information given. I can say that while I think it's good to leave a job that's robbing you of your sanity, anyone who wasn't doing EVERYTHING they could (and I mean banging on doors) to get a good, solid FT job would probably not be compatible with me. I just would want to help them and fix them and it'd be bad for both of us. Someone who could honestly be content, or even stagnant, in a position with such limited hours and unpredictability would bother me, but I have no idea how your BF feels about his job or what he's doing, etc, etc, etc. All of THAT said, I think people sometimes (and IME men you're dating especially) don't want to share their struggles or feelings about a bad work situation and he may seem like he's going to stay there longer than he really intends to, in that situation. Having it come up mid-fight doesn't help. If it's a transition job or he really thinks it can become better, I get it, as long as he's working TOWARDS something. Understand that you may not always be able to see that from the outside, even as a SO. Re: Ex-wife That's a way bigger problem. I'm all for being friends or friendly with exes and being an adult about it, but even I draw the line at continuing to live together. No. Just no. However, this dynamic has been going on your whole R, right? What makes it more of an issue now? Was he planning on getting out before or were you just hoping he would?
Author ScienceGal Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) We have not been dating long. I've only known him for 6 months and we've been dating for 2. I think there are too many things piling up and it's just too much. I like him, and the way he treats me, but I can't shake all of these things that are going on. In regards to his new job, I'd say the 20 hours a week is actually the least of my concerns. This new job is with a family owned business, and he has known the family his whole life. He recently confessed that his boss (man in his mid to late 50s who is married with kids) came on to him years ago. He said pretty much everyone but the boss' wife knows he's into young men. Why he would want to work for this man, and be in an awkward situation, is beyond me. Also, since he knows the family, one of the boss' daughters is a childhood friend of my boyfriends. He has always had a crush on her, but she is married (though separated) to a good friend of mine (and new friend to my boyfriend). Before he met me, my boyfriend had a sexual relationship with this woman. He was upfront with me about it, stating that it didn't work out because she wasn't ready to have a new relationship. She recently confessed to her husband, my friend, about the affair and he is extremely mad at my boyfriend now. I see both sides. My good friend was not such a good husband to her (cheated multiple times which is why they are separated), and my bf was not friends with him yet when he had the relationship with her. Still, I am stuck in the middle. I haven't talked to my friend since this all came to light. And just because this isn't messy enough, the ex wife works at this new job too. And, they are all (my bf, the ex wife, and the boss who likes young men) going out of state for one night for work soon. My bf told me his boss has reserved one room for him and the ex wife to share. Not ok in my book and he knows it. He told me yesterday that I am invited to go too. So, it can be the 3 of us sharing a room. Granted he keeps saying that he has nothing to hide and is always going to be honest with me, this is drama overload. I'm trying to give him credit for his honesty, but it is so hard! I don't want to tell him what to do, nor do I want to sound condescending because I have a long-term career. I don't want to be negative at all, but I'm not sure what I can say that will come across in a neutral way. I know my options. Leave now, or stay but take a step back and let him figure his situation out. The latter also includes me dealing with everything. Lastly, this is all weighing on me more because I am getting back out into the community and reallly pushing myself to get involved again. I want to be involved because I love the city where I live, but it's also a little stressful. I'm running into people who are good friends with my ex (one who brought me to LS). I'm facing things I know I need to face and sometimes I wish I was either alone, or had a boyfriend that had the same drive to get out there and be involved too (for whatever reason/cause). I feel between two places that are both uncomfortable for me. Thank you all for your responses. Edited May 10, 2012 by ScienceGal
moontiger Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Part of me just wants to relax and have fun, but the logical side of me says "Sciencegal, you're having sex with this guy... what if you get pregnant?" and "Sciencegal, there is a reason you're not settled down yet, it's because you keep making poor choices". I am 30 years old, and I would like to be in a relationship with someone who is in a similar situation as me, or at least ready for the things in life that I am (e.g. living together, marriage, kids). I want to be with someone who has drive and passion. I want to be with someone who is independent (and not living with their ex wife!). Is this so wrong? No. And it's not that much to ask for, either. I'm 33 and was 32 when I met the person I am with now. I wanted a simple, clean life with marriage and a family. So after years of flailing around looking for "chemistry" and finding the wrong men, I realized something had to change. I restricted my dating prospects to men who had stable full-time jobs, no addictions, no history of mental health issues, no previous marriages (though I'm sure I knocked some good men out of my dating pool), and lived near me. Unsurprisingly, I ended up in the first really good relationship, with potential, in my life. And I'm very happy.
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