Gestures or actions to say sorry & rebuild trust after letting someone special down

[wheeler]

Think I've put this in the right place but mods, please feel free to move if you feel it's better placed elsewhere.

 

Hi everyone, I'll try and make this long story as short as possible so you don't have to read an epic essay.

 

I used to be really close friends with this girl Rachel back at the start of 2010, we used to meet up to cook together, went on a few nights out, had dinner together on valentines day. She was basically amazing & funny & beautiful.

 

But we never really discussed exactly what we were to each other. Good friends? Best friends? Best friends who kissed and flirted too much? Best friends who were on the verge of going one step further and then not knowing what to do next?

 

Because it wasnt officially exclusive & we lived in different cities 50 miles apart, she was in touch with other guys and I slowly started seeing someone else who lived nearby. We slowly fell out of touch with each other & my own little relationship with the new girl quickly became a lot more serious.

 

except when new girl found out about Rachel & I, she decided she wasn't comfortable with us even being in touch any more. So I (pathetically & cowardly) deleted her number, removed her from Facebook & tried to step back from her.

 

Anywho I split up with my ex 2 weeks ago ('new girl'). Over the 2 years I thought about Rachel often & wondered if I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I have since managed to get back in touch with her with the main premise being so I can apologise and by all means let her give me both barrels.

 

I was on the phone to her last night & initially she did tell me exactly what she thought of me & how much it hurt her that I never even gave an explanation, like she was "disposable". How could I do that to someone I loved so much? I'm still not 100% sure why I handled things the way I did but I've realised just how much a massive idiot I am.

 

So we spoke on the phone, discussed it all, and then very quickly returned to how we used to be with each other laughing and joking. God I've missed her so much.

 

She has graciously allowed me back into her life & I'm so grateful for it, but I feel like words aren't enough to show how sorry I am. I need to do something or show her something to really drive home how sorry I am & to prove I mean every word I say.

 

I just can't for the life in me think of anything. Cook her a nice meal? Too much like trying to carry on where we left off.. Give her the most amazing foot rub? Too creepy and suggests I'm only interested in physical things.. Get her name tattooed on my forehead? Doesn't really convey a the 'please trust me never to let you down again' message..

 

I need to something sincere & organic but which doesn't have any connotations that I'm just trying to worm my way back in for the sake of it. Any ideas?

 

Oh and p.s. this isn't going to be a re-bound or a rushed in type of thing, I just want to be her friend and enjoy her company again. If things switch up in the future then great but for now I just want to be there for her again.

Edited May 9, 2012 by wheeler

[ScienceGal]

There is no quick fix, no tangible item that will instantly repair things. Only time builds trust. The best thing you can do is to define what the two of you are (friends or more than friends). If it's just friends then maintain that, no more flirting or kissing. This way you do not have to abandon her again when you start dating someone. The frequency of your times together may change if you're seeing someone else, but the friendship should not. If you're more than friends, then there's no need to date someone else and the two of you can make a real go at it.

 

Good luck.

[daphne]

There's no grand gesture that will make up for doing what you did with no explanation.

 

You're going to have to tow the line, be consistent and be patient. SHow her you're not going anywhere. It was good that you manned up and took it when she let you have it. I can say from my end when I did that not long ago, that did impress me. It meant that he wasn't expecting things to be easy or for me to jump right back in.

 

Don't try to make her jealous, whatever you do. Big no no for your circumstances.

[trist]

there is no magic pill you can take... it's going to be long, it's going to be rough, and you're going to have to work at it... chances are you're going to stumble along the way but you're going to have to dust yourself off and do the best you can... the fact that she's let you back in her life is a positive, but don't count your chickens before they hatch...

 

regaining lost trust is single handedly probably one of the most difficult things to accomplish, from both ends... don't go into it with shadiness or with the intention of winning her back over... start by proving you can be a friend, a good friend, and go from there... if you don't get the end result you desire, you have to accept it because you and you alone out yourself in that situation... you didn't man up before, the least you can do for this girl is man up now...

[wheeler]

Hi everyone & thanks for the constructive feedback.

 

We met the other day - spent an hour in a coffee shop talking through things and then spent the rest of the day shopping, having a lovely dinner together, then lots of cocktails & laughs. It was just like old times.

 

I think she's starting to realise just how sorry I am about it all. I realised a couple of days ago that I don't think I'll ever be happy without her in my life in one way or another. Cutting her out of everything was probably the biggest mistake I've ever made, she makes me laugh so much and makes me feel so good about myself when I'm around her. She's unbelievably cute and pretty and very intelligent, but then I'm just this giant idiot who let her down really badly. I've already told her I'm not very good at playing games with people, so even if was thinking of going down that route it wouldn't work anyway. I've also told her that no matter what she needs, even if it's to cry about some idiot man at 4 in the morning, I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless she wants me to p*** off lol).

 

The weird thing is now I've got this annoying shy-ness which keeps sneaking up on me. I'm reasonably confident, work in events, deal with lots of people on a daily basis, have even briefed the prime minister on an event once and it didn't phase me one bit. All it takes is one look from rachel and she puts me on my ars£ unable to think what to say next. I think the cause might be somewhere halfway between guilt & being drawn to her (emotionally/physically etc.)

 

I don't think it would ever work out between us, we really are just great friends and we enjoy spending time together. I've already decided I'm going to be single for quite a long time, and then when I do meet someone in future I'll have to explain to them how important my friends are (all of them) and I won't be cutting them out of my life for anyone (like I have in the past).

 

I think one of my biggest problems is over-thinking things, then I get all flusterred about stuff and it becomes like a feedback loop: before I know it I'm acting all weird for no good reason.

 

Anywho we're just going to take it slow, enjoy spending a bit of time together and try to get back to how we were.

[wheeler]

The best thing you can do is to define what the two of you are (friends or more than friends).

 

See this was part of the original problem 2 years ago, after we kissed & flirted I remember saying to her "so what the hell are we then?" and she just smiled and said "you think too much" (again putting me flat on my backside - what do you say to that when the butterflies are playing drum & bass in your tummy?)

 

If it's just friends then maintain that, no more flirting or kissing. This way you do not have to abandon her again when you start dating someone.

 

This is exactly what I have to do... Think for now and act accordingly, if things change in the future then I'll deal with it then - but the future all hinges on here & now thank you for pointhing this out to me

[Character Floss]

Wheeler...can you offer a little more insight into "Why things would never work out between us?"

 

My first wife (deceased 20 years ago) and I were best friends, buddies, just two of the guys...we hung out (hanged out?) together, I worked on setting her up with a friend of mine, I got in "trouble" for asking who the cute gal with her was (her brother's wife...ooops)...

 

And one evening over pizza, the coup de foudre struck...

 

I realized then I could not see myself without her, that beyond being an amazing woman and friend she was also beautiful and desirable in the best senses of the words.

 

So for the next four months I was like Pepé le Pew and she the unfortunate cat with a can of paint spilt down her back (don't know if you have watched many American cartoons). I just knew I would do anything to be in her life...if it was not forcing or manipulative in any way...and was also confident that I was good/wonderful for her.

 

Our marriage was brief (less than seven years) and I am so thankful for that time, and for the fact that I pursued her. I would have moved across the country to be near her, had that been necessary.

 

I can think of nothing better than marrying that friend without whom one feels that one cannot live.

 

Word of caution: If you really can't be happy without her in your life, that is a warning sign. Even if she wants to be with you forever in bed and out of bed, your happiness is too great a burden for her to bear. Trust me. At nearly 48 I am coming to grips with that.

 

Best wishes.