chapter44 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I have been seeing a woman for almost 2yrs now. She has been divorced for 3 yrs and has 2 teenage children, one of which is graduating from high school this month. In the begining of our relationship we agreed to keep our relationship low profile to help her children transition into their new life with divorced parents and splitting time between 2 households. Over the past 6 months I have been around her children more frequently but still on a somewhat limited basis. Her ex comes from a high profile political family, is quite wealthy, and has numerous adult children from his first marriage. Her ex husband has since moved on and is now remarried for the third time. Over the last month of so she has been talking to me about her daughter's graduation party she is planning. Her daughter obviously would like her adult half brothers and sisters invited to the party (which is at my girlfriends home) along with her father, his new wife, and her child. The invitations to the party were sent out a few weeks back and when I didn't recieve mine I asked her if she sent me one. Her response was that she did not invite me because she felt her children would be uncomfortable with my being there along with her ex. I am looking for opinions from other single parents here because I am a little taken aback by not being invited. She has asked me to help get her home and yard prepared for the party and I guess I mistakenly assumed I would be invited. My feeling is that after 2 yrs of dating, her ex husband being re-married that it shouldn't be a big deal. I don't have much experience in dating single parents so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Titania22 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I think this is a blessing in disguise for you. These situations can complicate a relationship and cause problems. By not going to the party, you allow her to deal with people she probably doesn't want to, without involving you. Don't think of it as her being ashamed of you and not think you are good enough. Consider that maybe she is trying to protect her relationship with you because it is important to her. Whereas her exhusband and his wife and other kids, are probably a headache she will be enduring for the sake of her kids.
ascendotum Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Im not a single parent, but just my 2cents... In your shoes I'd be a annoyed too. How about your gf actually ask her kids their feelings on you being there...its been 2 yrs....and If the can handle their father's new wife being there, why not you! What are you not good enough to be seen by the wealthy political connected ex's family. I think its a cheek for your gf to get you help prepare the place for the party, and you don't get an invite. If you haven't already helped prepare her place for the party then imo don't. Come up with with some other excuse that has just cropped that is going to take up your time.
Radu Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I think this is a blessing in disguise for you. These situations can complicate a relationship and cause problems. By not going to the party, you allow her to deal with people she probably doesn't want to, without involving you. Don't think of it as her being ashamed of you and not think you are good enough. Consider that maybe she is trying to protect her relationship with you because it is important to her. Whereas her exhusband and his wife and other kids, are probably a headache she will be enduring for the sake of her kids. Very good point ...
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Not a single parent either, but I do have some advice. The way I see it is... The good: (depending on perspective) - The kids are old enough, they have their dad and don't need you to play dad at this stage in their lives especially with the father around and involved. - You don't have to deal with awkwardness/drama...I think you should be somewhat pleased that she doesn't insist you get involved in situations you won't feel comfortable in either - Your relationship has been going to for only two years, and after only one year of being divorced, while it sounds like she's been married for quite some time before hand to this man. So in the bigger scope of things this isn't exactly the entry point for you yet, especially around the children you didn't raise, and are not yours either. - Your current GF seems to have a better sense and concern for the children rather than putting herself first, which is what the husband has likely done. She's worried about them and from a kids perspective they like "just the parents" because to them that's still their world and unity. I think it was wise and more responsible of her to keep your relationship on a low profile especially since it's already so new to her children, she's letting them adjust although she can't control what her husband does obviously, like get married off the bat. The bad: - Asking you to help and get the home prepared for this party was unfair to you, and fair of you to assume that you would be invited in contributing towards getting the party together. That wasn't very considerate on her part of how that would affect you and where that would send your thoughts. - Regardless of the situation and circumstances, she still can't hide you away in a closet somewhere and keep you out and apart of a separate life If that makes you feel excluded and overlooked...she has to at some point decide that If things are going to be serious, she needs to make more efforts into integrating you into her personal life (which the last six months look that way to be honest) as well because you share that life as well in a way...compromising on certain boundaries If necessary and in the best interest of the children until the relationship progresses - While her kids are young, they are also not small children that are incapable of understanding what is going on and she may be using that as a crutch to keep you distanced. She needs to realize that the teens by now can see the writing on the wall, and If she doesn't communicate with them about this relationship and also communicate with you more often and openly before the fact not after, then she can avoid a lot of collateral damage from misunderstandings and just avoiding the situation altogether. The communication needs to be up'd here, you know to both sit down and express to each other how you really feel about this...tell her about your needs, desires and expectations in this relationship or at least where you would like it go and what you would like it to be. Listen to her, understand where she is coming from, why she is choosing to continue to keep this relationship low-pro and maybe it's time to start transitioning into the next phase. She should also sit down and have a talk with her teens, maybe one conversation where she gets to talk with them and tell them how she feels and what she is pursuing in her life and trying to communicate and compromise with them as well instead of making assumptions and being over-protective. And then possibly another situation where you can all sit down together and you can tell her teens where you come from and your insecurities with the situation, what you feel and how you just want to make their mom happy and have a good relationship with them without it feeling awkward but you're not trying to replace their father, etc... Of course you don't have to take any of my advice, but I've always been the type of guy that wants to tackle the elephant in the room..I believe communication is important and It clears the air, and while teens may not give a lot of positive feedback all the time they do listen and It's just important imo to put yourself out there and show your true intentions and that you have good will, and that maybe with their permission and It isn't too uncomfortable for them to be just a little big bigger part of their moms life. Of course this is just my visual of the bigger picture and progression but maybe you can take away something positive from it...at the very least talk with your GF about how you feel and find out how she feels...It may take some more time for this to all come to fruition but If you don't give up and your trust your intuition on how you feel for this woman and how she feels for you then you have nothing to fear, all you can do it just give it your best shot and not be afraid.
Emilia Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Over the last month of so she has been talking to me about her daughter's graduation party she is planning. Her daughter obviously would like her adult half brothers and sisters invited to the party (which is at my girlfriends home) along with her father, his new wife, and her child. The invitations to the party were sent out a few weeks back and when I didn't recieve mine I asked her if she sent me one. Her response was that she did not invite me because she felt her children would be uncomfortable with my being there along with her ex. Not a single parent either but still my 2 cents: she invited her ex's new wife and child. That means you should be there too. The fact that she asked for your help to decorate the place but didn't invite you to the party AND let you find out about this through your own initiative rather than sitting down with you doesn't make her look good. She has no manners to say the least, she is perhaps a bit of a coward too. At this stage I would view this as a serious character flaw.
bean1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 You are "seeing" her. He is re-married. I suspect the reason here is quite simple. Younger single parents seem to integrate a new partner (not spouse, but dating partner) into their family events quite soon. Older single parents tend to wait until there is more commitment. I would not be surprised if this simply has to do with you being her boyfriend and not fiance/husband, and that such an event is reserved for new spouses, not partners. I don't think it is anything personal but as a mother myself (not single, but a mother), I would not bring a boyfriend to something like this, only my new husband. While she is divorced, she may still believe that marriage is meaningful when it comes to certain life celebrations/events. This is not unusual for many divorcees, particularly older ones. Many people would consider it poor manners to invite a boyfriend who is not a husband. Perhaps you should ask her this.
Recommended Posts