First relationship, 2 1/2 years, ended

[ben91]

My gf and I met back when i was in highschool. from the first time we started talking, we talked 24/7. All day, every day, we were always talking together. We had talked for almost a whole year before we ever hung out. When we finally did hang out, I knew it was something more. a month later I had asked her out and well, it all seemed so perfect. 2 1/2 years together (this is my first relationship, and her first REAL one that wasnt silly childhood stuff) we never fought, never argued, always trusted eachother and let eachother do things without being controlling at all. Around our 2 year anniversary we had started talking about spending our life together. Getting married, living together while she was in medical school. It all seemed like it was going to work out. Right now I'll be 21 in a month and she is 18.

 

Well she had a vacation planned to go to florida with her family, and a family friend from down there started messaging her on FB. I knew right away something was wrong. I've never been controlling or untrusting at all, something just told me that when she went to florida something horrible would happen. They talked a lot. On the phone, texting, fb, etc. He was open that he wanted to get with her, and I told her that it really worried me that something would happen. She kept reassuring me that nothing would happen. To this day I still honestly believe that she never meant for this to happen at all.

 

When she was in florida with her family, I was watching her dogs at the house on the weekends. Of course since she was on vacation I didn't expect her to talk to me 24/7 like we always have. I gave her space and let her have fun down there. Well normally when she's gone places and we can't see eachother she'll send me a picture of her and say she misses me, or leave me voicemails or something like that. As the days went on, she talked to me less and less. I even asked her on wednesday (she left on a saturday) to send me a picture. and She said she would. By friday she still hadnt and i was beginning to get really paranoid. I KNEW something was wrong. I kept seeing pictures of her with this guy and he always had his arms around her. I started to get really really bad anxiety and I told her that i was sorry to act liek that but I'm so worried I'm gonna lose her because I knew how happy she was down there and she did want to move to florida eventually (we had planned to move together after her first 4 years of school.). She just kept telling me to stop worrying. Then for 2 whole days I didn't hear from her. Sunday morning while she was waiting for her flight she finally texted me. She started talking about how she was looking into moving down for her 2nd semester of college, which completely blind sided me. I asked her why she didnt want to wait a few years like we had planned and she said somethign along the lines of "why wait, im' so happy when im here". Just the way she was talking I knew something was wrong, it wasn't like herself. I asked her if she had gotten feelings for that other guy while she was down there and she told me she did. I asked if they did anything and she told me they had sex. The weird thing is, i wasn't even surprised. I knew it had happened i just didnt want to admit it. But now I knew for sure. She said she was so sorry and she never meant for any of it to happen. she told me she tried so hard to stay away from him but she couldn't, it felt like when we had first started dating. And still, I do really believe her. I know she'd never intentionally do something like this.

 

After her flight she was home later that day, and I went up to see her. She was crying so hard and of course I started to as well, I had already been all work because I knew something was wrong. She explained to me that she hadn't been happy for a while, although she was happy with me, and she was just really confused. She said she was so happy down in florida and she felt so guilty knowing what had happened that that's why she couldn't talk to me. She says she still has feelings for him though she doesn't know why she can't help it. She told me she really does love me but she doesn't know if she still is in love with me (or has those same feelings for me). I asked her when the last time she was that happy was and she told me it was the weekend before she had left when we had been together (we justu walked around the town at night together just being dumb, doing those silly things you and your significant other do).

 

While i was at her house on sunday (this past sunday, is when she arrived home) she just kept crying and apologizing telling me to find someone else who won't hurt me,that I didn't deserve this. I told her I didn't want anybody else and that I forgive her because I knew she didn't mean for it to happen and that she truly does feel awful. She just told me she couldn't even look at me anymore knowing what she had done and that she hurt me so badly. After a while she stopped crying and she just looked so blank. It's like there was nothing behind her eyes, no love, no hate, no sadness, nothing. It's like she had just completely shut off. I just fell apart, I cried in in arms for hours telling her we could work this out and figure out what went wrong and that one mistake doesn't mean the end for us. She told me she needed to take a break to figure out why she felt like this and why she did it. I was reluctant but I agreed. She said we can still talk, and we still do just as much as before. And she said when she's ready we can hangout together again and try to work on it, that she just needs to figure out HERSELF first and why she feels this way/what's going on with her.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like this is going to be the end of us for good, i just have a horrible feeling deep down that it will be. I just feel like the only reason she doesn't feel the same for me is that she feels so guilty and horrible about what she did that she's shutting her emotions for me down or something so that she won't hurt me ever again. But that's ridiculous. I completely forgive her for cheating I understand she didn't mean for it to happen. he's the one who made the moves she said she just doesn't know why she didn't stop it. (it was over after a few seconds so I'm not exactly threatened by a bitch of a man like that) Like I said, we still talk every day as much as we always have and we agreed no matter what that we'll always talk and still see eachother and be best friends like we always hvae been. She just really needs to sort herself out and figure out what she wants before she "hurts me again".

 

I'm really trying to give her space, I am trying SO hard. But I just want things to be how they were so bad again. I feel so guilty, like I wasn't keeping her happy enough and this is all my fault. I completely blame myself for this and I can't even be mad at her even a little bit. I don't know if that's normal or not, but that's how I feel. I told her that and she told me that I've never done a single thing wrong and that i was completely perfect, she said I was the only person in her life who never hurt her and always treated her so perfect and she cant understand how she can do this to someone like that.

 

I'm really hoping (and I really feel like it will happen) that she'll realize it was just a mistake and that she really does want to be with me. But I really don't know what to do. I don't want to stop talking to her, i can't. As weird as it sounds, it makes it so much worse. When I'm not talking to her I can't think and I just get extremely depressed and just don't care about anything anymore. When we talk I'm still sad and afraid i'll lose her but i still feel like she is within reach, nto gone completely. I just really feel like she feels so horrible about what she did that she is pushing me away so that I won't get hurt again. She just keeps saying "i need to figure out me". I asked her if maybe talking about spending our lives together (moving in, getting married after a while, maybe having a kid) scared her and she said she thinks it might have, that she's still so young and she needs to experience things and that there's plenty of time to settle down later.

 

I come home from college tomorrow and we only like 5 minutes away. She says as soon as she's ready we can see eachother again and try to get everything right, she just needs to understand why she did it first.

 

I don't know, I can't think straight right now. Does this seem like a normal breakup? And by th at I mean does this seem like the kind of "done-for-good" breakup? Or does this just seem like a speedbump that will resolve itself with time and patience. I really feel like it's the latter, but I can't be sure. I just want it to be so bad. I've never been in so much pain in my life, and it isn't the cheating, it's that fear that i really will lose her forever. It's just that she didn't SAY she doesn't want to be with me and that it's gone for good, she just can't understand why she feels this way or how she could get feelings for someone else like that. I don't really understand either, or why she was suddenly unhappy. She said right now she's just numb and needs to figure herself out. I don't understand what that means though. I just thought we were so perfect and that everything was set in stone. I don't see why all of a sudden her feelings are different for me either, every day i felt stronger and stronger for her and she always said she had too. Apparently just the last couple months she had been unhappy and she wasn't sure what she wanted in her life. I just blame myself so much for all of this.

 

She honestly is the best thing to ever happen to me, I never thought I'd be this happy I used to be so against relationships. If it ends, I wouldn't have changed a thing. THis has been the greatest time of my entire life and I could never be angry with her or blame her. I still truly want to be best friends if it doesn't work out and I truly believe she means it when she says she does too. Of course, that would be so hard for me. I'm going to always have feelings for her, but over time I imagine it would get easier. I just want her to be happy i really do and I wish I gave her that hapiness, but If i don't, then what can i do other than just let her live. I don't want to ever hold her back and be the reason she's miserable or regretting things. I just want her to always be apart of my life, she's made me a better person through these years together and I can never forget that.

 

I just read so many stories about violent endings or relationships filled with fights and getting back together, but we've had none of that. I don't know, it might just be because it's what i really want, but it feels like there's a good chance we can work this out. But I guess it's only if she realizes it's what will make her happy. I mean, her parents cheated on eachother, the dad left, I just feel like she had a hard life and its kind of in her genes to be pushed away from someone for no reason, just from what she dealt with. I feel really bad I just wish she would hvae talked to me. And i told her that but she said she didn't want me to get hurt knowing she was unhappy. I just really feel like her going to florida, where she IS very happy because of the weather and scenery, and it was just such a change and there were so many new things and it was exciting and different that it just let to all of this. Like a spur of the moment without thinking thing. I dont know, I feel like something like that can be recovered from.

 

Sorry for such a long story or if its hard to understand, My mind is such a mess right now and there's just too much to organize. I just need some other takes on this from people who have experienced similar things. I read some other stories but I didn't really see anything quite similar. Any advice is appreciated so much I'm just so lost right now

Edited May 9, 2012 by ben91

[Philosoraptor]

She had full intention of seeing where things might go with this guy, don't kid yourself and don't believe her stories. She was already emotionally and mentally done but didn't have the balls to end it.

 

It's not your fault that she cheated. She should have said something if she was unhappy and it is on her end that the communication failed. It's not abnormal to try and feel like "what did I do wrong?"... but you didn't do anything wrong.

[Tommyboy129]

It sounds like she is not interested in you anymore. You shouldn't have to convince someone to not cheat on you.

[ben91]

Sorry, I completely forgot I had posted this. I wasn't exactly in good shape then...

 

I think it's been about a month now, and yeah you guys are right, she really isn't interested in me anymore. Even after telling me she always wants to be close and we'll stay great friends, she just completely cut me out. She blocked me from everything, and didn't answer me when I text her (which every once in a while I admit I still do weakly :/ ). I accept it too, it's just so hard to deal with still.

 

I feel like I'm getting better, and that things are getting easier, but it's still SO hard. If I'm not constantly with friends I'm just a complete mess, being on my own just causes me to dwell on everything. I don't even talk to my friends about it, I just hang out and honestly it keeps my mind off it. Sometimes, while I'm keeping busy, I'll think about her and the memories and it'll make me happy, yet sad at the same time. I'm starting to realize that I'm just going to probably never hear from her/see her again, as much as that hurts. I ran into her last week and I stopped to say hi and she just walked away, completely blew me off. I just feel like she could at least be a bit nicer... I didn't do anything to deserve this from her. And she's dating the guy now that she cheated on me with, and I guess he's moving up here and they're gonna live together.

 

I just feel like I have nobody to talk to, I don't want to bring it up to friends because I don't want to bother them with it, and I don't really want family involved.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm past the "i'll never be happy again" phase, I know theres more out there. I actually cuddled with a really close friend the other night and i was so happy it just put me right out. But I've been thinking the past week or so, and I really think that I'm over HER. If I look at pictures, I don't feel anything, not even a little. I think i just associate that feeling of having someone and being close to someone TO her, so when I think of her, it makes me sad. Not because SHE isn't in my life, but because I don't "have someone" anymore. Not sure if that makes sense, was hoping someone could shoot some advice my way about that.

 

Major thanks to anyone who reads this, ranting helps haha. It's just one of those lonely nights..

[Philosoraptor]

If you're still associating things with the ex it's probably best you take a bit more time as those associations will fade with time as you continue to take care of yourself.

[ben91]

Hmm, makes sense, because they do slowly go away as time goes on.

 

We've been doing NC, but she actually called me yesterday just to "see how i was doing." Felt great to talk to her, but as soon as we got off the phone I just felt like complete ****. Kills me to know how happy she is with someone else already.

[Philosoraptor]

If talking to her hurts you then you should continue to avoid it. You wouldn't touch a hot oven after burning yourself now would you?

[ben91]

Don't get me wrong, I know that's what I NEED to do, I'm just having trouble wanting to/making myself do it. I'm tired of feeling like **** and it feels good to talk to her, even though it just prolongs everything.

[Chi townD]

Calling you to ask, "How are you doing?" = "I feel guilty for cheating and dumping you, make me feel better!"

 

She wants to see where your heads at because the majority of women can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them and doesn't think that they are a good person. She wants you to ease her guilt. It's not your job to ease that. Her guilt is her own.

 

Go NC and stay there.

[ben91]

Yeah she mentioned being guilty, feeling bad, wondering how I was taking it, asking people how I was, all of that nonsense.. I know talking to her is just a horrible idea but I mean it's really hard not to if I actually have the chance. Partly because I'm just so stubborn.

[Chi townD]

Yeah she mentioned being guilty, feeling bad, wondering how I was taking it, asking people how I was, all of that nonsense.. I know talking to her is just a horrible idea but I mean it's really hard not to if I actually have the chance. Partly because I'm just so stubborn.

 

Well, you need to knock that off! You're not doing yourself any favors. Plus, you're teaching her that her behavior is okay. That she can treat people like this and they'll still be cool with her. She needs to know that there are consquences to her actions.

[ben91]

I know I know hahah and I'm trying. I had been hanging out with one of my close female friends a LOT lately but i'm starting to realize that it just makes me miss what I had with my ex even more, so I think I'm gonna cut that out. As horrible as it is, I really wish I could get her to cheat on her new bf with me, the one she cheated on me with. But that's just a whole other thing entirely.

[Philosoraptor]

I know I know hahah and I'm trying. I had been hanging out with one of my close female friends a LOT lately but i'm starting to realize that it just makes me miss what I had with my ex even more, so I think I'm gonna cut that out. As horrible as it is, I really wish I could get her to cheat on her new bf with me, the one she cheated on me with. But that's just a whole other thing entirely.

Well that feeling we call revenge. And as good as it would feel in the moment it would become something you regret in the long run.

[ben91]

Oh there's a lot of revenge I'd like to get haha but I'm trying to steer clear of that. BTW, if I would end up breaking NC again and answering her if she calls me... where exactly should I steer the conversation? Not really sure what's good to/not to talk about.

[blotter]

If you you really want to get revenge go full No Contact and stop responding to her breadcrumbs.

[ben91]

You guys definitely know more about that than I do, and that's what I try to do when she gets in contact, but I feel like if I do that she'll just think "oh well he really doesn't care anymore, good" and completely forget about me, which I really don't want at all even though I should. Oh, and is it normal to literally feel like you're losing your mind? I can't sleep, days are all running together and I don't even know what happened what days, i'm forgetting so much stuff, oh and I started texting in my sleep hahah. Nothing serious, just feel like i'm off my rockers.

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, you're not experiencing anything really that abnormal. But you are putting your focus in the wrong place. If she thinks poorly of you then too bad. Take care of yourself right now and do whatever possible to limit your own pain and speed up your healing process.

 

Honestly anyone who could just forget you so easily wasn't worth knowing anyways.

[ben91]

Well, from what her friends are telling me she does miss me and want to talk to me, she just doesn't because she feels like "it's going to make me worse/won't help me." Which I mean, I'm not too sure. I'd rather give it a shot. If it really made me in horrible shape it's not as if I want to feel like ass, so I'd cut it off pretty directly. I'm definitely focusing on myself and doing stuff for me, but when this all comes up it just confuses the hell out of me.