skiziks Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 Hello. I'm new to this board and this is my first post here. I have been with my girlfriend for 20 months today and I'm in the scariest situation I have ever been in in my life. Our relationship is on the verge of collapse, and I don't want that to happen. I love this girl with all my heart and I can't bare the thought of not having her. I'm controlling, I'm not going to deny it. I didn't realize it at first no, but now I am. I guess I'll start off with a list of some of the things I do that are controlling. I don't let her be herself. I try to control what she wears. I don't do this to a huge extent, it ends about "I don't want you to wear low cut shorts" I also tell her I don't want her to wear bikini's or skirts. I try and keep her away from people who swear excessively, I don't like this around her, and I don't like sexual jokes around her. I try to stop her from using this kind of language or making these kind of jokes. I don't like her dying her hair because I like to see her natural hair color. I guess I also feel that she shouldn't look pretty around anyone else because she should only want to look pretty around me. I want to stop this... I need to stop this. I can't lose her... she's absolutly perfect.. and she's perfect the way she is. I know this because ever way back in our relationship when I wasn't like this (at least not as much) she was still perfect. We're taking a break from each other right now for a few days and I'm really getting scared. I want to change and be better for her. I now what I've been doing is wrong now, I've seen that the last couple days, I've realized all this because I am too close to losing her. Non of what I've been doing is worth losing her, and I am realizing all of this now. The sexual jokes, the swearing, trying to control what she says or what she wears makes no difference to me. The only thing that matters to me is that I get to hold her. I also get very jealous when she is around other people. I don't know why I just want her all to myself. But I'm realizing that if I don't get help fast I'm not going to have any of her =(. I need this girl so much she's what keeps my life going. Please help me change...
Miss_Behavin143 Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 The best thing I think you could do for you and her is to get some professional help. If you are this way and you don't know why, that's the only way you'll be able to get better. What you do that you know is wrong.... like not wanting her to dye her hair because you think it'll make her look prettier and you don't want her to, is so selfish. If she's anything like most girls.. she doesn't dye her hair, wear cute stuff, or whatever to impress other people... she does it because it helps her confidence and helps her feel better. Even now that I have a boyfriend who I've been with for a long time, I ALWAYS felt so much better about myself when I fixed my hair, dressed up really cute, and everything. I always dress up now. It's not because I do it to impress anyone else, I do it because I like to, it makes me feel girlie and I think most girls do it just to make themselves feel better. As for the swearing and sexual jokes stuff, that's silly... don't do that too much because your going to come off more like a father than a boyfriend. A boyfriend should be able to let his girlfriend tell sexual jokes or say whatever she wants because you have that intimate relationship with her. HAVING a relationship with someone that is intimate, should BE fun... so making jokes should be okay, you shouldn't always be serious about that, if your seriously in love, you need to seriously know how to have a good time together sexually, and being open about it. THIS all is just my opinion and I'm sure alot of people will think completely different than this. The first step is realizing what your doing is wrong and wanting to change it. Knowing and doing are two different things. You need to work on changing yourself now. and you really need to for your relationship, after awhile... she probably will get tired of his behavior by you and no matter how in love ya'll are... she may not be able to put up with it anymore. Like I said, knowing is the first step in changing. So really work on it. Good luck...... .. I wish you and her the best.
neptoon Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 First, I think you need to take a step back and identify the root of your need to be in control. You've identified that you exhibit this behavior but why is it that you do it? There could be several factors at work here. I'm not judging you -- I'm just going to make a few notes objectively from an outsider's point of view about what you just wrote: 1. There is a difference between purposeful control and purposeless control. An example of purposeful control is when you control where a child goes because you don't want the child to run onto the road because the child doesn't know about the dangers of cars. An example of purposeless control is telling a friend that they must wear a color of clothing to a party that complements what you are wearing, despite the fact that the friend has objected to this plan and has his own ideas about what he will wear to this social function. The type of control you are exhibiting is purposeless control because your girlfriend is a grown woman and can independently make judgement calls about her surroundings and her personal appearance. Therefore: 2. The type of control is not a protective control. Know that you are not trying to "protect" her. This is not why your subconscious is causing you to behave in this way. 3. I've seen this behavior in many guys. Society often depicts controlling behavior as a trait that is characteristic of malicious people when this is often not the case. Controlling behavior is often rooted in things you perceive you have no control over in your own life. To some degree, we all seek some degree of self-determination, meaning that we seek to have some control over our own fates. We'd like to believe that if we work hard, we will be rewarded. We'd like to believe that if we have a dream and we work hard enough, we will eventually reach our goals. Unfortunately, life isn't always so black-and-white. There are times when the right opportunities just don't come up and we face failure. Failure is not uncommon but how each of us deals with it varies with how we were treated at the times of our failures. Some of us are further encouraged by our friends and families and we find ways to work around our failures, learning from it and re-gaining a sense of empowerment and control. Some of us are made to feel shame in our moment of failure, and we never quite re-gain that sense of power and control over our own lives. For those of us who fall into the latter category, it doesn't mean all hope is lost and it doesn't mean you cannot change, regardless of how old you might be. To change this outlook, you must consciously acknowledge how each of the controlling behaviors is rooted in an incident that happened to you. For example, you said, I guess I also feel that she shouldn't look pretty around anyone else because she should only want to look pretty around me. Can this be related to a feeling of insecurity you have about yourself that you haven't expressed? It may mean that you believe that she is more desirable to members of the opposite sex than you are (whether or not this has any basis in reality is irrelevant -- perception of desirability is subjective and only what you perceive of the situation is valid in this discussion). Perhaps in your mind, you have deified her and your attempts to control her appearance is an attempt on your part to make her human (and an equal to you) in your own eyes. I believe this may be part of the problem because I've been there before and I've been with a guy that I deified because every woman told me that they thought he was an exceptionally attractive man. In controlling him, I tried to make up for the things I felt inadequate about. You keep saying she's "perfect". No, she is not perfect -- she's just human. In your mind, you must accept her as a human with flaws just like the other six billion people on this planet. She is no different than anyone else. In time, she will age like everyone else and grow old like everyone else. You also haven't given the history of your tendancy to be controlling in past relationships. This is important factor to consider when trying to determine the root of controlling behavior. If it existed in your previous relationships, it may be factors outside of the relationship that is giving you your perceived level of powerlessness. You may be feeling a level of powerlessness in your job or in your financial/social situation. Another thing I've come across is the tendancy to control when a person has had no control over their lives during their developing years. It may stem from overprotective parents who have never allowed you to make a decision on your own or will make you feel bad about your mistakes instead of encouraging you and allowing you to recover from them. But, in the end, to gain the feeling of control over your life again, you need to take responsibility for your actions. Your surrounding environment (both past and present) may have contributed to the behavior but until you take responsiblity for your own actions, you will never feel in control. Know that you must be the one to change this, regardless of who caused it. Only you can change it within yourself. Thirdly, in your own mind: DO NOT CHANGE YOUR CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR BECAUSE OF YOUR GF. Change it because you want to gain control over your own life again. If you do it with the aim of getting her back, you will still feel that another person is controlling you and it won't be a change within you for the better -- you will continue to feel powerless inside. Things you can do to eliminate the controlling behavior: 1. Pick up more knowledge and skill. Use this opportunity to better your own life. Focus on the things you love and allow yourself to feel love for your passions. Pick up a hobby. I found that when I began learning more things independently, I became less controlling because it raised my sense of self-worth. I no longer felt like I had to control someone for them to like me...I felt like people would like me because I am resourceful and I have a purpose in life and the minute you perceive this about yourself, the change has already been set in motion. Think of creative ways to use those skills and earn money. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and economic independence. If you have a hobby, get good at it and use it to make money. 2. Remember to be on the lookout for it. 3. Try to see the human side. Worship no one but treat everyone with equal respect. Know that everyone is human and everyone can make mistakes. Accept human flaws. Deify no one. You are the god of your own destiny. Keep that in mind -- it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe it deeply enough, you will start seeing ways on your own to fulfill this.
Phelly Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 wow. nice reply as detailed as anyone can hope. Since I have a similar problem (though not as severe) I found it very useful.
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