Author BrittanyT Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I guess some will never know unless they are in my position. You can call it "petty" or whatever you like. I am "adult" enough to know that it is wrong for me to feel this way thats why I am asking for advice on how to deal with it. My parents got divorced when I was 11. I still had to respect my step parents and the rules of the house. period. His son has no right treating my son like that nomatter what he is going through. And yes it is my boyfriends responsibility to handle his son. Weather he is not doing it out of "guilt" or what I do not know. I am sorry if I feel like I am second when his son is around, I dont think I should HAVE to feel that way.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I am sorry if I feel like I am second when his son is around, I dont think I should HAVE to feel that way. The difference between animals and humans is that humans are able to analyze emotions before allowing those emotions to control behavior. If the behavior is under the control of reason and the brain a better outcome is reached. You do not have to act according to how you feel. With some training you can learn how not to act according to how you feel and eventually win this kid over. However, as of now the kid knows you hate his guts and the feeling is mutual. Your son is paying for the incompetence of the adults. 1
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) You have to wade through some nutty stepmom's at steptalk and realize that most people there are dealing with truly evil ex-wives and stepchildren that make the exorcists look tame. There are lots of sane and rational people though and if you make sane, rational posts, we will find you. Brittany you shouldn't feel second when your future SS is around. In "first" families, the marriage comes first. Guess what, the marriage has to come first in "second" families too. The reason the first family fell apart is because nobody was taking care of the marriage. I've never felt second when my SS was around but my DH did an excellent job of integrating me into the family. SS and I have been taking our relationship at our own pace. I do small parenting tasks, but I leave big decisions and big tasks to DH. If my SS ever disrespected me as an adult in the home...DH would wipe the floor with his face. The problem more than likely isn't your future SS, it's his Daddy. It is not your responsibility to make a child that is not yours like you, or even love you. You can't make someone feel a certain way about you. It's your fiance's responsibility to teach his son to respect the other adult in the home. With that said, you can't treat the kid like crap and expect him to respect you. He can't use his status as a child of divorce to go through life being mean. The harsh reality is once he reaches adulthood (and even before that) nobody cares. People have horrible childhoods all the time. It doesn't earn anyone bonus points at life. Yes, the older a child is when the remarriage happens the harder it is, but didn't you say you have been around for 2 years already. This is hardly a new thing in his life. Gardendiva---I've been on this board since 2008, under various names. I know the type of advice people get here. Brittany will be better served elsewhere. This forum isn't exactly adept at dealing with step family problems. That isn't the strength of the posters here. Edited May 10, 2012 by NoReallyThatHappened
GardenDiva Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 You have to wade through some nutty stepmom's at steptalk and realize that most people there are dealing with truly evil ex-wives and stepchildren that make the exorcists look tame. There are lots of sane and rational people though and if you make sane, rational posts, we will find you. Brittany you shouldn't feel second when your future SS is around. In "first" families, the marriage comes first. Guess what, the marriage has to come first in "second" families too. The reason the first family fell apart is because nobody was taking care of the marriage. I've never felt second when my SS was around but my DH did an excellent job of integrating me into the family. SS and I have been taking our relationship at our own pace. I do small parenting tasks, but I leave big decisions and big tasks to DH. If my SS ever disrespected me as an adult in the home...DH would wipe the floor with his face. The problem more than likely isn't your future SS, it's his Daddy. It is not your responsibility to make a child that is not yours like you, or even love you. You can't make someone feel a certain way about you. It's your fiance's responsibility to teach his son to respect the other adult in the home. With that said, you can't treat the kid like crap and expect him to respect you. He can't use his status as a child of divorce to go through life being mean. The harsh reality is once he reaches adulthood (and even before that) nobody cares. People have horrible childhoods all the time. It doesn't earn anyone bonus points at life. Yes, the older a child is when the remarriage happens the harder it is, but didn't you say you have been around for 2 years already. This is hardly a new thing in his life. Gardendiva---I've been on this board since 2008, under various names. I know the type of advice people get here. Brittany will be better served elsewhere. This forum isn't exactly adept at dealing with step family problems. That isn't the strength of the posters here. I've been around this board since 2004, NRTH. I've seen the board you speak of...no comparison. The women on there seem too bitter and many have their own agendas. I stand by my earlier assessment. But Brittany can sure judge for herself. I think Brittany said she has only been divorced for two years so it can't be that she's with this man and her son too long. Her son is used to having him all to himself. Not sure taking him on a trip to Disney alone is the best way to help this family come together...if anything I think it may be sending the wrong message. I can agree with some of what you say though. I've been a stepmom for a long time and know all the pitfalls, made all the mistakes, and have come through it all successfully, I'm happy to say. It's true that the real work lies with the father, as I stated earlier. But Brittany does also have a responsibility to cultivate her relationship with his son. AND she needs to set firm boundaries as to how her fiance' treats her own child/ren.
GardenDiva Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Oh and P.S. the children of divorce are not "evil" and nor are the ex-wives..they're hurt and vulnerable human beings..it's that kind of "talk" that turns me off of that step board. That and the "get over it, kid" attitude...not for me.
Almond_Joy Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Speaking as an another adult step-daughter of sorts..... I'm trying to understand this perspective of defending the bullying child. My mom kicked my dad out when I was 9, and there were plenty of fights and dysfunction leading up to that split. I had a whole lot of resentment, angers, fears and insecurites from being in that environment, and my mother understood that, but there was no question about it: I would get a sound whooping if I ever acted out towards any of the boyfriends she had after my dad or their kids. The child's suffering is not to be ignored, and I'm not saying the kid needs to just suck it up and not deal with his feelings about all of this, but the disrespect to the stepmother and stepbrother should not be tolerated. His frustration and negative experiences don't give him the right to take it out on Brittney or her son. I didn't see that anyone has recommended telling the bullying son that he needs to show Brittney and her son some respect, in addition to getting that counseling for him. If someone did and I missed it, please pardon the oversight. To me, telling Brittney to be sympathetic to the kid's plight and more welcoming or whatever towards him is like her enabling bad behavior on his part. He acts like a jerk and she, the other adult, gets to walk on eggshells because the dad won't step up and talk to his son? Right. My overriding opinion here is that just because the kid's going through a rough time doesn't give him the right to disrespect or bully anyone ever. Regardless of whether he's getting the counseling he needs, or if he doesn't know how to talk out his anger. That boy's gonna go through all kinds of s**t in his life, probably, and no matter how old he gets, he's probably not going to understand or know how to cope a lot of the time. That will never excuse him from taking his frustration out on others. And if his parents (biological or otherwise) don't set that example, where's he going to learn it? That is the example that should be considered one of the most important to set. I don't really have an opinion on the relations between you and your fiancee, Brittney. I had a boyfriend for six years with a son by another woman. I was never jealous of the time they spent together without me, but I a) wasn't planning on marriage or living with my boyfriend, and b)had no interest or desire in being a parental or authority figure to his son. This dialogue about how to treat the bullying boy struck a chord with me, though as I hear and see this "handle-with-care-they're-children" approach very often. You can acknowledge a child's going through a hard time and support them while setting firm boundaries for respectful behavior to others.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Oh and P.S. the children of divorce are not "evil" and nor are the ex-wives..they're hurt and vulnerable human beings..it's that kind of "talk" that turns me off of that step board. That and the "get over it, kid" attitude...not for me. You've clearly never met the ex-wife in my situation. She sent an email about two years after she and DH got a divorce and told him if he ever moved on she would make his life a living hell. She sure kept her word! It's been almost 6 years and she is still relentless. She's gone as far as hiring a PI to follow me and stalk me herself. ~I~ had to hire my own lawyer to keep the loon away from me. All I did was meet her ex well after the divorce was final and marry him. Despite her best effort to get her son to hate me, he still loves me. She simply can't move on. Don't even get me started on the time she physically attacked my DH in front of their child. Again, it happened 5 years after the divorce. She is the epitome of insane. Most recently she told my SS that he wasn't really a DHLastName because his father didn't count as a parent. Who says that? DH has traveled over 1000 miles every other weekend to see his son since the BM tried to move away so he would only be a child support check. If you think a Stepkid can't be evil...you clearly haven't hung around the offspring of the super crazy ex-wives. Some of them really do take after their crazy mama's. I'm glad everyone in your situation is rational, but that's not always the case. Many of us deal with over the top bat poop crazy.
Radu Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I know this is going to sound really bad, but I am having a problem with my bf and his son (10). He gets him every other week and weekend. We live together and his son and I do not have a great relationship, so I find myself getting upset when he spends time with him. I have never been like this before, and I dont know what to do about it. His son is disrespectful, and loud. He is mean to my son (also 10). He hits him and is just mean to everyone. He's only 10, why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am on the back burner when he's around. Is this normal or am I crazy:eek: The problem here i think is not your BF's son, but your BF. It is your BF's duty to get him to listen and not let him get away with this because this behaviour of his can continue into adulthood [i have a cousin that ended up like that]. What's worse or ... troubling if you will, is that this might get in between your son and you. What i mean, is that your own son will see the preferential treatment he is getting, and may come to resent you. I was in that scenario when i was 7, but not in this type of situation ... my parents sided for 4yrs with a highly abusive school teacher even though i begged and pleaded with them. It affected my relationship with them something fierce. Parents should never side with another adult in the detriment of their child. That's not to say they should let them get away with murder, but i hope you understand what i'm trying to say. I understand it isn't you who does this, it's him. But he is hellping grow a very bad situation to both of your children by not being more strict with his own son.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 This is why I don't date men with kids. Their kids will always be their first priority. You will always come second. That's just how it is. I want to come first before I come second. I'm not going to date a man who already started his life with someone else. I'm not going to settle for a man who can't a) keep it in his pants or b) fails to make a life with a woman he had a relationship with even after they had a child Yes, accidents happen, and in the rare case that it's truly not his fault, the woman screwed him, and I still wouldn't want him. Life isn't fair. 1
pink_sugar Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It's definitely important to respect the person you're with has a child. Although in your case it sounds like the issue is his child is rude and disrespectful. My dad's exW's daughter is like that. (She's 11) My dad thought we were bad, but she gets away with quite a bit. She gives out orders, sometimes never says thank you and disrespectful to a lot of adults. (It doesn't help her mom talks trash about certain people in front of her). I would try and find a way to approach your bf about with without overstepping your boundaries. You could say "Hun, there isn't an easy way for me to say this, but I feel (insert name) hasn't been treating me and (insert son's name here) with a lot of respect and I feel it's detrimental to our relationship. It's really important to me that we all can get along so we can enjoy being a family. My husband's mom actually chose a man who treats him like garbage and puts her husband before him. It's important in stepfamilies to have someone who treats your children with respect and have the childrent treat you with respect in return. In my husband's case, his stepfather never treated him like family nor had kids of his own. (thank goodness)
pink_sugar Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Oh and P.S. the children of divorce are not "evil" and nor are the ex-wives..they're hurt and vulnerable human beings..it's that kind of "talk" that turns me off of that step board. That and the "get over it, kid" attitude...not for me. My husband's stepfather always talked negatively about my husband and any of his father's family. Even kicked him and his half brother out of the house when he was visiting for no reason. He actually had that attitude with my husband when his bio father passed away and said to "stop crying, get over it my dad died young, too"
Author BrittanyT Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I had a talk last night via text with my bf about this. He admits he feels guilty about only having his son half the time and so he tries to make up for lost time. I told him he should not have committed to me if he could not divide his time accordingly. He got upset. Told me I was not happy ect...I told him thats not true, I just think now that we are a family we need to do things together. I think we need one on one time with the kids, but not ALL the time. And its funny, cause we live a block from his ex wife, so his son is over almost every day now! He sees him more than he realizes.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I had a talk last night via text with my bf about this. He admits he feels guilty about only having his son half the time and so he tries to make up for lost time. I told him he should not have committed to me if he could not divide his time accordingly. He got upset. Told me I was not happy ect...I told him thats not true, I just think now that we are a family we need to do things together. I think we need one on one time with the kids, but not ALL the time. And its funny, cause we live a block from his ex wife, so his son is over almost every day now! He sees him more than he realizes. You need to set your feelings aside and try to behave according to reason and logic. You seem to understand the situation quite well at a cerebral level, but then you allow your heart and emotions to guide your behavior. Don't take this stuff at a personal level. This is not about you at all. This is all about your fiance and his son. They are having a lot of pain, guilt, and turmoil. It is up to you to make things better. Do not inject your own emotional drama to the situation.
GardenDiva Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 You've clearly never met the ex-wife in my situation. She sent an email about two years after she and DH got a divorce and told him if he ever moved on she would make his life a living hell. She sure kept her word! It's been almost 6 years and she is still relentless. She's gone as far as hiring a PI to follow me and stalk me herself. ~I~ had to hire my own lawyer to keep the loon away from me. All I did was meet her ex well after the divorce was final and marry him. Despite her best effort to get her son to hate me, he still loves me. She simply can't move on. Don't even get me started on the time she physically attacked my DH in front of their child. Again, it happened 5 years after the divorce. She is the epitome of insane. Most recently she told my SS that he wasn't really a DHLastName because his father didn't count as a parent. Who says that? DH has traveled over 1000 miles every other weekend to see his son since the BM tried to move away so he would only be a child support check. If you think a Stepkid can't be evil...you clearly haven't hung around the offspring of the super crazy ex-wives. Some of them really do take after their crazy mama's. I'm glad everyone in your situation is rational, but that's not always the case. Many of us deal with over the top bat poop crazy. Sorry you went through that. That's extreme and NOT the norm. But to hear many on that board you'd think MOST were dealing with psycho exes and evil spawn. It's silly. This is why I don't date men with kids. Their kids will always be their first priority. You will always come second. That's just how it is. I want to come first before I come second. I'm not going to date a man who already started his life with someone else. I'm not going to settle for a man who can't a) keep it in his pants or b) fails to make a life with a woman he had a relationship with even after they had a child Yes, accidents happen, and in the rare case that it's truly not his fault, the woman screwed him, and I still wouldn't want him. Life isn't fair. Sure glad I broke MY own rule of not dating men with kids or I would have missed out on the best man I ever met. We celebrate our 17th anniversary next month! Just something to think about... I had a talk last night via text with my bf about this. He admits he feels guilty about only having his son half the time and so he tries to make up for lost time. I told him he should not have committed to me if he could not divide his time accordingly. He got upset. Told me I was not happy ect...I told him thats not true, I just think now that we are a family we need to do things together. I think we need one on one time with the kids, but not ALL the time. And its funny, cause we live a block from his ex wife, so his son is over almost every day now! He sees him more than he realizes. I don't know what to say, Brittany. I don't agree with some who say it's ALL up to you. It's mostly up to HIM. Until my own husband started changing (after my bringing things up time and time again) it didn't improve. Does he give YOU one and one time, for example? You say one on one time is fine but not ALL the time. Are you exaggerating or does he really give his son one on one time ALL the time as you say? You have to really look at this honestly. And you never answered my questions about YOUR time with his son. It's key also.
Author BrittanyT Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I have tried to spend time with his son, we play a few games here and there. I do need to initiate it more. And yes he does spend all his time with his son when hes here. Like I said, he is here alot more now that we moved closer to his mom. I actually had to grow some balls and tell my bf to tell his son that when its his moms time to have him, he needs to be there, not here. He agreed. But his son does not listen. I feel bad for his son, he has no friends cause everyone thinks he's mean. I do love the kid, he is sweet as can be to his dad, shows manners and all, but to everyone else, its like a different kid. Makes it hard to want to be around him.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I have tried to spend time with his son, we play a few games here and there. I do need to initiate it more. And yes he does spend all his time with his son when hes here. Like I said, he is here alot more now that we moved closer to his mom. I actually had to grow some balls and tell my bf to tell his son that when its his moms time to have him, he needs to be there, not here. He agreed. But his son does not listen. I feel bad for his son, he has no friends cause everyone thinks he's mean. I do love the kid, he is sweet as can be to his dad, shows manners and all, but to everyone else, its like a different kid. Makes it hard to want to be around him. As a man I can tell you that at age 10 a boy is all about his father. This is the time when a boy wants to grow up like his dad and do the things males do to bond. I feel for this kid:(.
GardenDiva Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Brittany, try to be patient. This takes time. Like I said, in my situation, it took a few years. But keep trying to spend more time with his son. And also, INSIST on time ALONE with your bf. (Why do you still call him your bf if you're engaged? Just wonderin') That's what I had to do with my husband. I insisted on a balance. I swear I almost left a few times because it was so out of hand with my stepson sitting in his lap even when he was 12, while we were trying to have a conversation. I even have it on video tape! He was always trying to be the center of attention. I told my husband it wasn't working for me at all. It took a long time for him to start fixing it though. I used to paste article after article on the refrigerator door about children of divorce and how parents can parent out of guilt and spoil them. I just never relented. I was fighting for our marriage to work. He FINALLY got the message and we did have "adult time" in our house. And little by little the other issues were addressed. (Ex-wife stuff like what you're going through..don't ask.) You have to keep talking to your bf, without nagging (too much), telling him what you expect and what has to happen in order for you guys to have a successful blended family.
Quiet Storm Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 This is what happens when people put their own "happiness" before that of their kids. Poor kids. Their parents quest for their own personal happiness gets them dragged from one dysfunctional family into the dynamic of another dysfunctional family. You will hear many of these same parents say things like "my kids are my top priority" or "my kids are my world" or "I would take a bullet for my kids". They'll take a bullet and die for their kids, but keeping the family together is too difficult and protecting their kids from their boyfriends gets in the way of their own happiness. You should never need a man so bad that you'll minimize and twist reality into a pretzel so that you can "be happy". I don't think you should marry this guy and think you should move out ASAP. Your loyalty should be to your son. If you talked to your boyfriend about this and he isn't listening, that is all you need to know. Your romantic life should not be more important than your son's well being. Accept that you are a single mom, and find "happiness" in ways that do not bring more drama and conflict into your son's life. 2
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Pierre--spend some time feeling sorry for my SS who is stuck with a psycho nutjob for a mother. Do you know how hard it is to get custody, even when the Mom is obviously completely insane? Yeah, there are things that suck about being a child of divorce, but there is no reason to feel bad for most of these children. Life isn't fair. It never will be. Being a kid with parents who aren't together isn't a free pass to suck at life. Gardendiva--The vast majority of ladies on step talk are all dealing with exactly the type of BM I described. We aren't the norm, but people in normal situations aren't going to get desperate and go in the internet trying to find help. They are going to be living normal, drama free lives. Anyone dealing with that level of psycho needs a place to vent. Frustrated--It's good to think long and hard before getting involved with a man with kids, but if I didn't take that chance, I wouldn't have met my amazing DH! Yes, there are times I want to strangle the BM, but we ignore her for the most part and live our lives. Brittany--You've really got to have clear expectations in a stepfamily. Your bf/whatever he is can't skate by with non-parenting. Your bf's job is to raise his son to be a functioning adult, right now he's dropping the ball. The guilty daddy parenting thing is only going to hurt his son in the long run. Do a search on that and see if you can find some reading materials to show him the light.
GardenDiva Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 NRTH...I don't think Brittany's situation fits what the ladies of that site are going through. The "norm" is actually what SHE is going through. The "drama-free" situations are NOT the norm. So we're talking about one extreme (the ones on your other site) to the other (the drama-free) situations. MOST of us, fall in the middle. I also want to say that I didn't go into my situation with kids. That just makes it doubly complicated. I mean it's complicated enough when you're entering a situation with a partner who has kids but to also have to deal with the treatment of your OWN..wow. Not sure I could do it. It was hard enough with just dealing with my stepson and his mother and all the normal drama that goes on with taking that on. (And especially, getting my husband to change his ways where all that was concerned!) phew! You sure have your work cut out for you, Brittany. It CAN be done but as anyone who has gone through it will tell you, it ain't easy and it really isn't for everyone. You have to get over the jealousy thing and look at the big picture. Keep in mind that the end goal is a HAPPY FAMILY. Do whatever you need to do to achieve that. The one most important piece of advice I can give you though is this: If you and your bf can never get on the same page when it comes to the kids, your marriage/relationship will NOT last. I'd give it three years tops. Good luck! And we're here to support you. Again, I don't recommend that other board since you're not dealing with a psycho ex-wife or an evil stepchild. You're in the middle with what most of us as stepparents have had to deal with.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I know this is going to sound really bad, but I am having a problem with my bf and his son (10). He gets him every other week and weekend. We live together and his son and I do not have a great relationship, so I find myself getting upset when he spends time with him. I have never been like this before, and I dont know what to do about it. His son is disrespectful, and loud. He is mean to my son (also 10). He hits him and is just mean to everyone. He's only 10, why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am on the back burner when he's around. Is this normal or am I crazy:eek: Would you not be upset if this man's son was kind and nice and didn't hit your son? I get the impression that the real issue is the boy's behavior and attitude more then anything else, along with your boyfriends inability to take better responsiblity of the situation. To me it sounds like your bf's son is taking out his frustration and anger on your son. And it sounds like you are projecting your own emotions onto a little boy when who you should be dealing with is your bf and his lack of attention to taking care of the problem. You also have to think about what kind of man you'd want in your life. Do you really want to be with a man that puts his woman first over a child? Do you put your bf first infront of your son? My guess is that you don't. It doesn't even have to be a matter of who is placed first. It's jsut the reality that children need a lot of love and care and consideration in ways adults don't because clearly adults are better equiped to deal with such things. I highly highly highly suggest talking to a professional for both you and your boyfriend. You should go seperately and you should go together. You can not get married until you figure out how you two want to conduct your family life and how you want to raise your kids. It is unfair for your bf to be harder on your son then his own. It is unfair for you to project feelings of jealoulsy onto your bf's son. You guys need the help of a serious professional. Growing up, my own dad worked a lot. He was very old school and defined himself through his business, through his ability to provide. He wasn't around a lot and that left my older brother to be a very angry little boy who took a lot of his anger out on me. You don't want your son to be stuck in that kind of environment where he is getting beat down. And you don't even want the other 10 year old boy to be filled with all those confusing emotions and anger with no outlet for them. Luckily for my brother (and me), my parents made him enroll in an army program when he was a teenager, Civil Air Patrol. It gave him a lot of structure he needed. And alot of positive male role models outside what my father was able to provide at the time. You're bf's son needs help in dealing with his emotions. No amount of soft spoken words from his Daddy are going to put his anger to rest. Your bf needs help in dealing with his own feelings of guilt and how to raise his son in this new situation. And you need help in dealing with your feelings of jealously. And your own son might need help being thrust into a situation where he's now getting beat down by another boy. You need to find a councelor and get you and your bf to them first. Then you might have better tools you both can use to deal with your sons.
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