BrittanyT Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I know this is going to sound really bad, but I am having a problem with my bf and his son (10). He gets him every other week and weekend. We live together and his son and I do not have a great relationship, so I find myself getting upset when he spends time with him. I have never been like this before, and I dont know what to do about it. His son is disrespectful, and loud. He is mean to my son (also 10). He hits him and is just mean to everyone. He's only 10, why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am on the back burner when he's around. Is this normal or am I crazy:eek:
Titania22 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I feel your pain. It concerns me that he is being mean to your son and hitting him. I would suggest looking at the situation from the perspective of what you need to do to protect your son, rather than your feelings for your boyfriend. A few years back I lived with my boyfriend and his kids, and put my love for my boyfriend before my kids. After he left me, I found out my son had been living in his own private hell, getting mistreated by the 2 kids and my boyfriend. And my daughter didn't say anything, because she didn't want to ruin my happiness.
Author BrittanyT Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 wow- I am sorry. My bf is much harder on my son than his own. He raises his voice at him and stuff. I just talked to him on the phone (they are still on vacation) and it was an odd feeling. More like we were just friends. Its all about his son for this trip, which is great, but I find myself upset that he isnt giving me the normal attention he usually does.
Titania22 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 wow- I am sorry. My bf is much harder on my son than his own. He raises his voice at him and stuff. I just talked to him on the phone (they are still on vacation) and it was an odd feeling. More like we were just friends. Its all about his son for this trip, which is great, but I find myself upset that he isn't giving me the normal attention he usually does. I understand, my exboyfriend was punishing my son almost everyday. His own son too BTW. It was all discipline, discipline, discipline with him. As , much as I loved him, I think all 3 of us have been happier since they left. There isn't much discipline going on or nagging, just talking to each other with respect, and allowing each other to go down our own paths. I can also understand how 'insert appropriate verb here' it is when someone changes their behaviour depending on who else is around. It is hard for you to know how much you actually matter to them. In my ex-boyfriends case, nothing mattered more than his kids. If you don't find a way to make peace with his kid, you might get to a point where it is better just to cut your losses and breakup. It's sad, but unfortunately relationship aren't just with individuals, but often with their relatives too.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 What gives him the right to discipline YOUR son? Cut these people loose; it will only get worse. I've got your son's back on this one. You need harmony, not stress, and certainly not some dude thinking he has any right to treat your son as he does.
Author BrittanyT Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Thanks- its hard to just cut things off. We just got engaged and all. I have stepped in when he does that to my son, but it hasnt stopped him.
veggirl Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 The biggest issue is him overstepping his bounds with your son, IMO. A marriage is never going to work if you guys aren't getting along with each others minor children who still have 8 years with you! Why did you and your son move in under these circumstances, or did it start up only after that? Why doesn't he STOP disciplining etc YOUR son when you ask him to? 2
LittlePrince Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Why are you still with a guy whose son is hurting your son? Your priorities are a askew. I knew someone who kept seeing someone though there were children issues. His daughter ended up raped while suffocated under a pillow by his gf's son. 1
pteromom Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I absolutely wouldn't marry him until you resolve it! I saw the title and was going to respond that his son SHOULD come first for him, but after reading, you have to remember that YOUR son should come first for you.
Pierre Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I know this is going to sound really bad, but I am having a problem with my bf and his son (10). He gets him every other week and weekend. We live together and his son and I do not have a great relationship, so I find myself getting upset when he spends time with him. I have never been like this before, and I dont know what to do about it. His son is disrespectful, and loud. He is mean to my son (also 10). He hits him and is just mean to everyone. He's only 10, why am I feeling like this? I feel like I am on the back burner when he's around. Is this normal or am I crazy:eek: For God's sake! The kid is 10 and now his daddy is replacing mommy with a new woman (YOU). He is now from a broken home and he will hurt for many years to come. So the kid takes his anger on you and your son. What else did you expect? Fathers and mothers feel guilty when they leave the marriage and they over protect the kids.
LittlePrince Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 For God's sake! The kid is 10 and now his daddy is replacing mommy with a new woman (YOU). He is now from a broken home and he will hurt for many years to come. So the kid takes his anger on you and your son. What else did you expect? Fathers and mothers feel guilty when they leave the marriage and they over protect the kids. Both of the children are 10 but both aren't psychotic. The sane child needs to be protected from the psychobrat. 1
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 You're engaged? I suggest you resolve this before you get married. Do you know the statistics for these kinds of marriages..Hate to tell you this but MOST don't make it. I've been there done that. (We made it!) And yes, it's true that most parents of divorce do seem to over-indulge their kids. The only advice I can give you is to talk to your fiance and try to get this resolved BEFORE you get married. The jealousy is natural. I experienced it too but you have to talk to your fiance about this. And you need to do something about your son's treatment. How long has this been going on? Do you live together now? How long have you lived together?
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Just wanted to add that I'm kind of confused about some things in your posts...you say he's your boyfriend but you just got engaged? I'm very curious as to why, if you're engaged, he's on a vacation without you. And I question why you're engaged to a man who ignores you when you tell him how you want your own son to be treated. I have lots of questions but I have to tell you, as someone who has gone through this, I'm very worried for you. And I really would like to know if you're living together.
Titania22 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 And I really would like to know if you're living together. We live together Hopefully this answers your question gardendiva 1
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Hopefully this answers your question gardendiva Titania, I feel so stupid...I saw that AFTER I posted. I got distracted. Thanks! So they are engaged and live together but her fiance takes a separate vacation with his son? Have I got that right?
Author BrittanyT Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 My kids always come first, it has been 2 years since my divorce and I felt moving in with this man would be fine. My son does not have a problem with the living situation. Its his son, and I have brought this up to my bf and whenever something does happen, he takes care of it by punishing his son. But it does no good. Yes he is on vacation with his son to disney. Said it was the last father/son trip and from now on it will be family trips. Pierre- I gave my kids 100 percent of my attention and NEVER thought about myself or my happiness. I think its time for me to be happy now. My kids are #1 to me, but I also invest in the relationship with my bf 100% to. I feel I only get maybe 20% when his sons here. He does not "hurt" my son, he raises his voice when my son is respectful. But his son is SO disrespectful, and he blows it off. It was just him and his son for 4plus years, now we live together and his son says he does not want us being married- he flipped when he saw my ring. I understand he's 10, but he should want his dad to be happy, not be so selfish.
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 You need to talk to him about it. I see quite a few red flags here but you only wanted to know whether the jealousy (on your part) is normal. I believe it is. As I said, I experienced it too and wasn't proud of that but it's all in how you deal with that jealousy. But in all honesty, no offense really, the jealousy is the least of your problems. I do wish you the very best. What you're about to embark on is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It usually gets worse before it gets better and sure isn't for everyone.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Thanks- its hard to just cut things off. We just got engaged and all. I have stepped in when he does that to my son, but it hasnt stopped him. Some dude treating my son as if he has any rights to him/disciplining him is a HUGE deal breaker for me. Hell to the NO. He can have the ring back. This is toxic. Your son is getting bullied by this dude and his son. It can't be that hard to cut things off. You say it hasn't stopped him and it won't. it will only get worse and your son will suffer the most for it. 1
Pierre Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 now we live together and his son says he does not want us being married- he flipped when he saw my ring. I understand he's 10, but he should want his dad to be happy, not be so selfish. For God's sake he is a child that has been traumatized by the dysfunction of his bio parents. Not all kids handle the separation of the parents with ease. For some kids this is hell and very painful. And the kid sees you as the enemy. You feel jealous because dad spends time with his son?????:eek: Do you realize that the kid feels a 100 times more jealous when he sees his dad with a woman that is not his mother? And you call the kid selfish for acting out? How else is a kid supposed to act when his world is upside down? Just imagine how the chid feels before thinking about your own jealousy.
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Referring to the quote that B&B posted of yours above, Brittany..it's WAY harder to get divorced, dragging your kids through more turmoil, than it is to cut things off before you make a mistake. Just something to think about. Not saying this can't work but don't think you HAVE to go through with things just because you're already engaged. (For what it's worth, I do find it curious that you call him your boyfriend still being that he's now your fiance'. )
GardenDiva Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 For God's sake he is a child that has been traumatized by the dysfunction of his bio parents. Not all kids handle the separation of the parents with ease. For some kids this is hell and very painful. And the kid sees you as the enemy. You feel jealous because dad spends time with his son?????:eek: Do you realize that the kid feels a 100 times more jealous when he sees his dad with a woman that is not his mother? And you call the kid selfish for acting out? How else is a kid supposed to act when his world is upside down? Just imagine how the chid feels before thinking about your own jealousy. I completely agree with this Pierre, however as I mentioned to Brittany it's NORMAL for her to feel some jealousy too. I did. But like I said, it's what you do with it/how you handle it that matters. You can NEVER take it out on the child. Brittany, have you tried to have one on one time with his son? Do you have any kind of relationship with him at all? If you don't, it's not likely to get better. You need to forge some kind of relationship with him. Do you ever take him and your son anywhere alone? Or just play a game with him? This can work but it takes a LOT of work from everyone. Took us a few years.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Try a forum called Step Talk. It's a bunch of stepmothers who are going to get you a lot better than the people here. Take it from a SM, blending a family is HARD! Really hard. Daddy can't parent out of guilt. His son needs someone to sit down and talk to him about the realities of growing up a child of divorce. Try the book Mom's House Dad's House for Kids. Yeah, yeah, the kid is from a broken home. More than 50% of kids nowadays come from "broken homes." And? That is no excuse to act like a little monster. My parents split before I was 1 and I was never allowed to use that as an excuse to act out or be disrespectful. Either one of my parents would have wiped the floor with my face had I flipped out when they got engaged. What that says to me is your BF/fiance didn't handle things right from the get-go with this kid. He gave his son spousal status. Think long and hard before you marry this one. 1
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I completely agree with this Pierre, however as I mentioned to Brittany it's NORMAL for her to feel some jealousy too. I did. But like I said, it's what you do with it/how you handle it that matters. You can NEVER take it out on the child. Brittany, have you tried to have one on one time with his son? Do you have any kind of relationship with him at all? If you don't, it's not likely to get better. You need to forge some kind of relationship with him. Do you ever take him and your son anywhere alone? Or just play a game with him? This can work but it takes a LOT of work from everyone. Took us a few years. For this kid Brittany is the enemy and it is up to Brittany to find the peace. If she knows how to play her cards she could win the kid over. However, she cannot expect the child to do the leg work. It is up to the grown adult to find solutions and to stop the petty jealousy which is likely a thorn for the child.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My parents split before I was 1 and I was never allowed to use that as an excuse to act out or be disrespectful. Either one of my parents would have wiped the floor with my face had I flipped out when they got engaged. What that says to me is your BF/fiance didn't handle things right from the get-go with this kid. He gave his son spousal status. Think long and hard before you marry this one. It is very easy for a kid to handle this at age 1 because they don't know what is going on. By the time the 1 year old gets to be 10 coming from a broken home seems normal and natural because that is all he or she knows. It is much harder to deal with this when the child is older because now he knows life could have been much better to him. 1
GardenDiva Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Try a forum called Step Talk. It's a bunch of stepmothers who are going to get you a lot better than the people here. Take it from a SM, blending a family is HARD! Really hard. Daddy can't parent out of guilt. His son needs someone to sit down and talk to him about the realities of growing up a child of divorce. Try the book Mom's House Dad's House for Kids. Yeah, yeah, the kid is from a broken home. More than 50% of kids nowadays come from "broken homes." And? That is no excuse to act like a little monster. My parents split before I was 1 and I was never allowed to use that as an excuse to act out or be disrespectful. Either one of my parents would have wiped the floor with my face had I flipped out when they got engaged. What that says to me is your BF/fiance didn't handle things right from the get-go with this kid. He gave his son spousal status. Think long and hard before you marry this one. No offense but I thought they were a bunch of bitches over there! Also, I think it's quite rude to come on THIS forum saying how the OP will get better advice elsewhere! Wow. And that "yeah, yeah the kid is from a broken home" attitude says it ALL about those stepmothers on that bitchy board. Stay AWAY, Brittany. I was/am a stepmom as many on HERE are. And we're not all bitches like on that other site! LOL:laugh: For this kid Brittany is the enemy and it is up to Brittany to find the peace. If she knows how to play her cards she could win the kid over. However, she cannot expect the child to do the leg work. It is up to the grown adult to find solutions and to stop the petty jealousy which is likely a thorn for the child. Again, having been in this position you are right on the money! The father does need to show consistent discipline with his OWN son though if he's being direspectful but yes, it's up to Brittany. And kids can sense when you're resentful, so best to get over that and try to see HIS position too. 1
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