want to apologize to ex, but it's complicated

[tenten]

I'm sorry this is so long, but please bear with me!

 

 

I was in a relationship with my ex for less than a year. He was my first serious relationship and loved me deeply and did so many things for me -- he'd buy me flowers, fly across the country to visit, send me surprise gifts, make things for me, throw me a romantic weekend, etc. -- and we had some profoundly intimate and wonderful times together.

 

But aside from the gifts and romantic gestures he was very critical, jealous, possessive, controlling, needy, clingy and highly demanding. For me, the worst of all of those was that he was critical: he constantly criticized me and pointed out my flaws, rarely complimented me, and when I told him to stop or get out of the relationship if he didn't like anything about me, he insisted he was just telling me things I had to fix about myself and that all his criticisms were constructive. Whenever I tried to voice my opinion on something -- for example, cringing at a misogynistic joke or calling him out on laughing at a coworker's expense -- he was quick to tell me I was wrong and took to insulting and belittling me by saying I was simpleminded, ignorant, etc.

 

I'm normally a pretty shy, private person and while I know I am kind, patient, fairly smart/talented and sincere, the fact that he always found things to "fix" or put down my opinion or used all sorts of belittling tactics until I admitted to being definitely eroded at my confidence and made it very difficult to be open around him -- ironically, another thing he complained about. I tried to make the relationship work but my lack of confidence and his jealous/suspicious nature would create situations in which I found myself lying to either hopefully impress him enough to not criticize me or trying to placate him by not letting him know everything about/trying to make trivial any interactions I had with other guys. (To be clear, I have never cheated or even entertained the possibility of cheating, and interactions with guys have either been very platonic or me politely rejecting guys coming onto me). But even still, he constantly accused me of not being faithful or entertaining the thought of straying, no matter how much I insisted otherwise, even during times when he hurt me. Every time he discovered I had lied about an interaction with a guy, even though nothing had ever happened, he trusted me less and less, which made him even more suspicious, which made me even more scared of telling the truth.

 

I know my lying was due to my low/deteriorating confidence and being scared of him coming up with the wrong conclusions about my interactions with other guys, but I made an effort to stop -- I sought therapy and tried to commit to the truth -- but every time I told the truth, he would hold it against me or use it as fodder for future episodes of paranoia, and before I knew it, I'd find myself lying again. My lying habit became a huge source of shame and conflict for me but I couldn't figure out how to stop. My ex was determined to stay with me anyway and work with me through it to show his devotion and unconditional acceptance of me, but it was difficult and we kept running into variations of the same situations.

 

Because I felt like the relationship was totally undermining my confidence and completely horrible for both of us, I broke up with him. He begged me to take him back, saying we'd work on our problems -- we tried again for a few months, and nothing changed, so I had to end it again.

 

I proposed no contact, but he insisted on staying friends, and I relented. I knew he still had feelings for me but every time I thought of being in a relationship again, I couldn't help but keep returning to how much it hurt and how much it affected my self-esteem. However, sometimes it felt like we were relapsing into being lovers again, and even though in my mind I still didn't have faith that it would work out, I'd have periods of time where I tried to convince myself that it could. But I ended up coming to the same conclusion every time: I can't be his girlfriend again. I have to move on.

 

And then **** hit the fan.

 

Three months after we broke up, I started seeing another guy -- we went on a few dates. Nothing physical happened beyond a friendly hug and I rejected most of his advances because I was still recovering from my relationship, but I liked that this new guy seemed to actually enjoy my company and seemed to be a happier person. Because my ex and I were 'friends' and he requested I tell him when I was thinking of moving on, I did. My ex grew visibly hysterical and upset and again I found myself trying to trivialize my encounter with this new guy -- nothing happened, but I tried to make it seem like I wasn't as interested as I was. However, as usual my ex figured out that I had tried to trivialize it and lied about how interested I was. He trusted me less and less and in an effort to save our friendship, I promised him that I'd never speak to or contact this new guy again. (This new guy ended up with another girlfriend shortly after I rejected his advances).

 

A month or so later, the other guy randomly texted me again -- nothing suggestive or anything, just a "what are your plans for summer?" My ex wanted me to ignore it but in a moment of selfishness I didn't see what the harm was; I wasn't trying to get together with this new guy anymore, but it wasn't like we weren't on friendly terms. So I simply responded, even though I didn't want to pursue anything with him.

 

I confessed this to my ex (I had pledged to be honest) and he completely exploded. He was saying he hated me, that I was a horrible and dishonest person, that I was selfish for pursuing another guy while still getting his affection, and a tirade of all sorts of other insults, topped off the fact that he was repulsed even looking at me. Now we're not speaking.

 

 

 

Since then, I've been thinking a great deal about this relationship, and recognizing that there were a lot of ways in which I was weak and selfish and found ways to lie to myself and to him. I'm not proud of how I behaved with any of it. I should have been honest and have had the integrity to break it off completely when I came to the conclusion that I could never be happy with my ex, not dragged this out and lied to try to keep him happy. I should have figured myself out instead of ruining the relationship with my lack of confidence and my insecurities. And I want to apologize to my ex, because I know my weakness and irresponsibility caused him a great deal of pain and suffering.

 

I want to be clear though: I don't have an ulterior motive. I don't want to get back together. I know I wasn't singlehandedly responsible for our relationship's demise, even though I contributed to a lot of it. I know for sure now that we are never going to be together because of the vicious cycle of our combined insecurities. But I do want to say that I really and truly am sorry for my part.

 

How should I go about it?

[wilsonx]

You shouldn't say anything to him.

 

Doing so will reopen pandora's box which you seem to have closed for now. Apologize to yourself and make a pledge not to make the same mistakes in the future

[tenten]

Thanks. It hurts to know he hates me, but I guess I deserved it.

[Nancy B]

Please forgive yourself and move on.

 

You are being WAY to hard on yourself.

 

It sounds like he should be the one apologizing.

[hinatticus]

You are definitely being way too hard on yourself. He should be apologizing, he should feel shame and guilt not you.

 

You dont have to apologize to him. It will only validate his wrong actions.

Until he apologizes to you, you don't have to apologize for lying. I know exactly how you feel about lying, I hate when people lie. I never lie either, which can be a problem. The truth hurts sometimes. There's gotta be a way to get the truth out without hurting people...

[CC12]

OP, reading through your post made me really sad for you, and I'm pretty sure I was slumping down in my chair because of it, until I got to this part:

 

And I want to apologize to my ex, because I know my weakness and irresponsibility caused him a great deal of pain and suffering.

 

Instantly, my posture got better. No! No, no, no. Do not apologize to him. You didn't make him be abusive to you. Being weak or irresponsible does not mean you deserve that treatment from him or anybody. There is no excuse for him being terrible to you, no matter how much pain and suffering he went through.

 

Look, this was (is) a really, really bad relationship for you to be in. Constant criticism from someone you care about is a devastating knock to your self-esteem. You had a person habitually knocking you down, telling you that you were always wrong, calling you names, making you feel like a bad person, and wrong, wrong, wrong. Your posts here tell me that you still have this mindset of being wrong. You're not always wrong. You don't deserve abuse. Don't apologize to him.

 

You're not speaking to him now, and that is perfect. Please, do not contact him for any reason, and do not allow him to contact you. It's over. Let it stay that way. Any communication with him (even to apologize) is going to end up with you getting back together with him, or repairing the "friendship." And I bet you know that. Don't go down that road. It was (kind of) a clean break, just let it be over, and then get some counseling to restore your self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Also maybe do some extensive reading on abusive relationships so you'll know what you're dealing with.

Edited May 9, 2012 by CC12

[tenten]

I know he wasn't perfect, but even though he was very critical, he was always honest about his feelings and was always there for me. And I guess that really gets to me. I wonder if I had more confidence, if I didn't lie so often and was more aware of his needs and was more considerate of him, if that could have had possibly alleviated his insecurities better and maybe encouraged a more healthy relationship. Or at least if I were more honest with myself and with him, I could have left the relationship with more integrity than I did.

 

I think what keeps motivating me to apologize to him is the fact that in the end, I wasn't honest with either of us. I kept lying so often that I started wondering if it was pathological. I hate lying and was shameful and embarrassed every time it happened/I got caught, but it felt a lot better than telling the truth most of the time and I kept relapsing to it, and if that doesn't show weakness or an inability to be a mature partner in a relationship, I don't know what does.

 

I do plan on going to counseling, thank you! I guess I have never hurt anybody enough to hate me before, so it's really shaking me up, but it's a wakeup call to my own flaws and it tells me a lot about what I cannot handle in relationships.