Vintage79 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I have a few questions - but namely should I bother asking someone out for a 3rd date. Story I met a cute girl online a few weeks ago. Went out on a first date about 2 weeks ago, and things seemed to be going well - all of the tell tale signs of a girl who's into a guy, hair flips, leaning into the table, and explicit references to my good looks. That said, there was no contact, and an awkward close, which didn't even involve as much as a handshake. Thereafter, she drops the online dating thing - I have no idea why, but still seems interested. I set up a second date, she postpones the day of the date because she had a migraine, so I met her the next day [date 2]. That said, her migraine didn't prevent her from going out with her friends and traipsing about the town. To be fair, though, it was a Saturday, and given that I don't really know her, pushing things back was fine...although more notice may have been appreciated. When I see her the second time, things had distinctly changed. She wasn't nearly as giddy and the tell tale, "I want you" signs were generally missing. We had drinks along with a 2 hour conversation that seemed to be moving at a strange pace - sometimes compelling, other times bordering on awkward silence. We leave the bar, walk by my car...me thinking, ok, it's going to be another awkward good bye, and I never see her again kind of thing. Standing by my car, she says, "don't you want to come see my apartment"? To be fair, it was a new apartment, as she had just moved in earlier that day (boxes were everywhere and nothing in order). She shows it off it then spirals into another hour long conversation about oddball topics, her yawning, and me leaving so she can get some rest. There was a quaint hug, but nothing more - at least when paired with a marginal amount of physical contact at the bar (just hand-on-hand kind of stuff), there were definitely a few signs of life, although the banter, etc. seemed more subdued relative to the first time we met. When I'm leaving she said something about, "next time you see my apartment, it will be snazzily set up", or something like that...this comment was said at least twice, with a few moments in between. Questions I realize there were a lot of signals, that I essentially skipped, and consequently, the slow movement is likely, by-in-large, my fault. Any views on whether or not to ask her out again? Any thoughts on the change in her demeanor from giddy first date to more subdued second? And finally, your thoughts on when you go out with someone a third time or not, would be great. I think she'll say yes, although that may obviously be wrong, given that I haven't yet asked, but I'm not sure if it's worth seeing her again...how much time/effort do you give someone before you say yeah or neigh? Thoughts and perspectives greatly welcomed. Thanks for reading.
Cypress25 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Yep, a lot of it does sound like your fault, lol. Why didn't you hug her at the end of the first date? If you want more physical contact, being the guy, you'll have to initiate it. Waiting for her to do it will only result in more awkward pauses. And natural conversation does tend to include a lot of oddball topics. Please don't be one of those guys who insists on sticking to a boring script and a list of "acceptable" date topics. That's a great way to make sure your dates include a lot of awkward silences. Follow the conversation wherever it leads you, that's the fun of chatting with someone new. The less predictable the conversation is, the better.
veggirl Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Hey--early dates can be awkward at times, I wouldn't worry about that! I'm the kinda girl who takes quite a while to feel comfortable around a new person, my BF was probably like "err...awkward..." plenty of times on our first dates I agree with Cypress, you need to up the ante a bit. She sounds interested to me, inviting you to her place the first time was to extend the date. She's basically said that next time you hang out (sorry, go on a date!) you'll end up there too. Great signs. Go for it. If you truly aren't feeling her, no prob dropping it, but if its just cause its been a bit awkward or whatever, I'd ask her out again
garycoleman Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I had girls that were coming on really strong beginning and suddenly go cold out of nowhere. So If the first few dates go well, that still doesn't mean much. Don't set yourself up disappointment
Perhaps Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 What's the harm in a third date Go for it! It's only a date. Set up a date and if she flakes, leave it to her to make it up by saying "ok, ill let you plan our next date" and leave it at that unless you're big on pride and all that jazz.
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Agreed - lack of more contact is probably my fault - but something seems a bit off. She's certainly giving me some opportunities to advance - and normally I would - but for some reason I don't feel like going for the gold when given the chance - which is where the bit about how do you figure out when to stop trying comes into play. I realize that an online first date usually start at the same level as others, although it can , how long should you wait in awkward phase...usually in the past after 1-2 of awkwardness dates I'd run away, but I'm not wildly experienced with the online world, so wanted to give it a afir chance. FYI - completely agree that the oddball conversation topics are a perk in early dating.
mortensorchid Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 No hug at the end of it? I was once out on an Internet date several years ago where the man was such a social degenerate that when I was at the point where we were saying our good byes he didn't do a thing. Except walk away. No literally, he turned and walked away. I stood there for a second thinking "I wonder if he's just going to the bathroom ..." and then I realized he was not coming back to say his good byes. At least he paid for the meal. Did you even have a handshake? Despite whether or not you did / didn't do it, I would move on. This wasn't meant to be.
dasein Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Yes, ask her out again. As long as you are interested, and she is accepting dates with you, keep dating her. Agree with others to up the physical ante. Many women will want you to make moves, at least try. I don't like the part about her having a migraine that prevented her going out with you but didn't prevent her going out with friends. Keep an eye open for further disrespect in that form. Good luck.
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Did you even have a handshake? Despite whether or not you did / didn't do it, I would move on. This wasn't meant to be. The first date there was no handshake - it was walk her to her car, say good bye (verbally), and probably a wave. She seemed to distance herself a bit when we approached her car and I didn't want to impose on her space, in part because that behavior deviated from the rest of her behavior that evening...when she seemed very interested. I thought maybe I didn't pick up on something. That said, I went out with her again - see story in first post. That ended with a hug, and a few words - including the bit about next time I go to her apartment. Regardless, why was this not meant to be? I'm not necessarily disagreeing - but I'm wondering what catalyzed the statement - or was it simply by uncertainty?
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Yes, ask her out again. As long as you are interested, and she is accepting dates with you, keep dating her. Agree with others to up the physical ante. Many women will want you to make moves, at least try. Therein lies the problem - I'm not sure how interested I am. I don't have a long list of potential dates lined up (that list is currently zero - although I could probably dig up a few pretty quick if I really needed to - but doing that simply to pad the numbers seems strange) - consequently my fear is that because I don't have "choices" right now, is that going out with her is out of convenience. In the same breadth, she's got all the right pieces for me to be interested [interests, intelligence, ok - looks as well], so it's hard to run away cold, as I have no idea if I gave it a fare chance. The uncertainty about my interest level is largely the reason I have been the antithesis of cavelier in making moves, even though there appears to have been ample opportunity. I don't like the part about her having a migraine that prevented her going out with you but didn't prevent her going out with friends. Neither did I - it seemed fishy - to the point where I almost called her out on it, but she did warn me at ~1 p.m., when we were planning at 8 p.m., so I had plenty of time to dig up new plans. Moreover, I've never had a migraine, so I don't know how it effects an individual...it's possible she was concerned that she would be out of it, but ended up being ok...but point taken - be on the look out for similar behavior.
persevere Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Really, there can be only one reason why she would want you to see her apt. I'd go for a third date, but bring a bottle of wine as a house warming gift. Get her to show you her snazzed up place....
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 I am aware that there are only so many reasons a girl would invite me to her apartment - especially if it was still in boxes. She lit a candle, was nice, coaxed me to hang out on her bed, etc. (FYI - there was no other place to sit...so the sex connotations about her bed weren't quite that blatant) The problem is I'm not just looking for a quick fling...if that was the game, it would have been a victory on date 1, but that game's too easy, superficial, and short lived, unless you want new people every week, no continuity, no personal connection, and just shallow/casual hellos. That may have been my game a decade ago, but now I want a bit more, and immediately jumping into the sack clouds your perspective - thank you endorphins and oxytocin - which make you physically addicted to the partner, disabling your ability to get to know them with a clear head.
mike88 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I don't know if you've seen my 'Girl only wants to date every two weeks?' thread but I've been getting similar hot and cold vibes from a girl I've been dating, where she's interested one minute then cold and distant the next. I've also been initiating a lot of physical contact, and she's hot and cold in that aspect too. Basically now I think she's probably dating multiple people and has low interest in me or is getting emotionally confused due to seeing more than one guy at the same time. You're obviously not a priority in her life otherwise she wouldn't have blown you off with the migraine story. My advice would be to see her again but with low expectations and see where you go from there.
maybealone Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I say ask for a third date. Some people are more outgoing on a first date. Subsequent dates can be trickier because you get that the guy maybe likes you, and that can make some women nervous. Ditching you on the second date to go out with friends is not, in my opinion, a huge deal. Maybe her migraine meds kicked in and she didn't dare to call you back, or maybe she just wanted to go out with her friends. There are some women who will make a man their #1 priority after one date and there are others that keep their friends their priority until they have been with a guy a while. I don't think there is anything wrong with either type of woman. If it happens again after a few more dates, then I would be upset about it. Personally, I think inviting you to her apartment was a good sign. Not because she was necessarily trying to bed you, but because some women guard their living spaces.
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Thanks for the thoughts Mike. I can't say that this girl is oscillating between hot and cold - just a different personality the two times I met her. Both were positive...although the first date there seemed to be a bit more excitement...which could have obviously been associated with the "first date". Anyhow, she may well be dating multiple people - I have no idea, and truthfully, given that I've only met her twice, it doesn't really matter. I can say that she shut down her online dating profile, so if she has a huge list of followers, she's trying to trim it down as opposed to expand the list. You're obviously not a priority in her life otherwise she wouldn't have blown you off with the migraine story. My advice would be to see her again but with low expectations and see where you go from there. I have questions about the migraine bit - but it could have been real (she mentioned on our first date that she would get migraines), and since she bailed earlier in the day, she may simply not have wanted to call me and say, "I'm ok now - let's go out". I'm giving that story a pass for the time being - if something like that surfaces again, in the near future, at least if I decide to see her again, it won't come across very well. As for priority - she spent the entire week packing up her apartment, apartment hunting, and moving in - on top of that, her work just ramped up. I would be surprised if I'm a priority...in particular after only seeing her a few times. As for my expectations - they obviously aren't he highest - at least given my comments/questions about whether or not I should even try to go out with her again - these questions stem from my skepticism...something seems to be missing, and my biggest questions revolve around when you should strop trying with a new indvidual and move on to the next. It's a tough world. Anyhow - your thoughts were great. Thanks for the feedback...definitely something to think about.
Author Vintage79 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Ditching you on the second date to go out with friends is not, in my opinion, a huge deal....If it happens again after a few more dates, then I would be upset about it. That's kind of my view as well. I don't have a problem if I'm not her priority after a single date. She did give me 7-8 hours advanced notice, and when rescheduling proposed the next day. At this point, I'm tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but will likely be dubious if it happens again in the next few weeks if I decide I want to see her again. Personally, I think inviting you to her apartment was a good sign. Not because she was necessarily trying to bed you, but because some women guard their living spaces. That was definitely my opinion as well - a positive, regardless of ultimate intention. Anyhow, still on the fence a bit, but I saw her on Sunday, so I figure at a minimum, I need to do some genre of a follow-up with her later today, as opposed to simply vanishing into the wood work...obviously, vanishing is probably fine if I didn't want to see her again (which is my dilemma).
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