reverser0 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I use to work with this girl that I had really strong feelings for and I'm pretty sure that she felt the same way. We went to dinner a couple of times after work (alone as friends/mostly initiated by her) and went to a few social events (parties, sporting events...both alone and with other people). Everytime we went out as friends, I always felt as though she was interested and was just waiting for me to make a move on numerous occassions. Long story short, I never acted on my inuition because, at the time, I was in a rocky patch with my GF and felt as though it might ruin my chances of reconciliation. Also, I have a rule to never date coworkers which I was trying not to break. She knew that i had a GF (indirectly through a mutual coworker) but I usually didn't mention her when we talked which was rude on my part. After a while, I think she got fed up and had her good friend (the same mutual coworker) ask me to lunch where he proceeded to grill me about about my current relationship status. I told him the truth which was then relayed back to her. Shortly after this lunch meeting, things seemed to change between us and, a few weeks later, I found out she was dating another guy at my work. This, of course, pissed me off significantly and I promptly began giving her the cold shoulder -- quite juvenile on my part -- so that i could quickly dissolve our friendship. This is mainly because I really like the girl and just wanted to get over it so I wouldn't be thinking about her (and what she was doing with her boyfriend) which was bringing me down. A few weeks after I found out she was dating this guy, she left the company and I thought all my problems would be solved. On her last day, she gave me a hug and told me to not be a stranger...funy thing is, that is exactly what I was hoping for just so I could have some peace of mind (nothing worse then reminiscing about missed opportunities). Fast forward to last weekend, out of the blue, I get a text from her asking "when we are going to hang out again". I was a little hesitant to respond at first as I wasn't sure if it was in my best interest. I, of course, buckled and decided to reply and asked her about an event coming up we always went to. Here's the kicker; she did not respond to that text for three whole days (all weekend) which leads me to one of three conclusions: A.) She is just being nice and isn't really interested in me or catching up with me B.) She was with her boyfriend all weekend and didn't want to be texting me back and forth C.) She is playing hard to get by making me think she's busy all weekend Anyways, in her response three days later, she asked to meet for lunch someday. I'm not in a relationship anymore and since we dont work together, it could be the last chance I will get. The problem is that, even though I REALLY like her, I'm at the point where I want just text her back "Please stop contacting me" because her response time made me feel pretty unimportant. Any advice on what I should do?
truth_seeker Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 A.) She is just being nice and isn't really interested in me or catching up with me B.) She was with her boyfriend all weekend and didn't want to be texting me back and forth C.) She is playing hard to get by making me think she's busy all weekend She is interested in you. If she weren't, she wouldn't bother to contact you at all. I don't think she is playing hard to get, but rather protecting her image by pretending she is busy. If you like her, go for it. Just don't get your hopes up. Go into it with the mindset that if you get with her, great. If you don't, you're done with her. Write her back and mention you've been busy with work and other social activities, but you "wouldn't mind" seeing her again. Make it appear meeting her isn't something you're excited about. Let her think you got other things going on and she isn't your main priority. If she thinks you're way into her, she's going to think she's got you in her back pocket and she can contact you whenever she is bored, and know you will be eager to see her. She won't take you seriously. She will see you as a guy she can have fun with and mess with for kicks. When you meet her, read her. If you get a sense she is really into you, then open up. If you get an unsure feeling about her intentions, keep your guard up.
CC12 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 II found out she was dating another guy at my work. This, of course, pissed me off significantly and I promptly began giving her the cold shoulder The problem is that, even though I REALLY like her, I'm at the point where I want just text her back "Please stop contacting me" because her response time made me feel pretty unimportant. Why do you behave as though she owes you something? She doesn't. At all. She didn't owe it to you to not date other people and she does not owe it to you to make you feel important. She's not your girlfriend and she never was. She's not really even your friend anymore. If you want to tell her to stop contacting you because it took her longer to respond to casual texts than you would have liked, then go ahead. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. But it seems stubborn, childish, and more like you want to hurt and punish her (again) for not behaving the way you want her to. If you do continue reuniting this friendship, then go into with absolutely no expectations from her. Again, she doesn't owe you anything.
Author reverser0 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 She is interested in you. If she weren't, she wouldn't bother to contact you at all. I don't think she is playing hard to get, but rather protecting her image by pretending she is busy. If you like her, go for it. Just don't get your hopes up. Go into it with the mindset that if you get with her, great. If you don't, you're done with her. Write her back and mention you've been busy with work and other social activities, but you "wouldn't mind" seeing her again. Make it appear meeting her isn't something you're excited about. Let her think you got other things going on and she isn't your main priority. If she thinks you're way into her, she's going to think she's got you in her back pocket and she can contact you whenever she is bored, and know you will be eager to see her. She won't take you seriously. She will see you as a guy she can have fun with and mess with for kicks. When you meet her, read her. If you get a sense she is really into you, then open up. If you get an unsure feeling about her intentions, keep your guard up. Thanks truth_seeker. This seems like a very pragmatic approach. In hindsight, I use to play the "busy" card a lot when we first started hanging out and I think that helped really increase the level of attraction/desire (if that makes sense) that you described so well. After while, I began jumping at every opportunity and that was probably a mistake.
Author reverser0 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Why do you behave as though she owes you something? She doesn't. At all. She didn't owe it to you to not date other people and she does not owe it to you to make you feel important. She's not your girlfriend and she never was. She's not really even your friend anymore. If you want to tell her to stop contacting you because it took her longer to respond to casual texts than you would have liked, then go ahead. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. But it seems stubborn, childish, and more like you want to hurt and punish her (again) for not behaving the way you want her to. If you do continue reuniting this friendship, then go into with absolutely no expectations from her. Again, she doesn't owe you anything. First off, I totally agree with you that I was acting childish at the time and regret those actions. However, I disagree with some of your statements; I never felt that she owed me anything or that it was her duty to make me feel important. I, selfishly mind you, felt hurt by her actions and decided it was in my best interest to separate myself from her as far as possible. Therefore, I limited the number of conversations, avoided group outings and made sure I never looked at her. I never meant to be mean or vindictive to her about her actions but it probably came across that way. I'm sure she figured it out pretty quickly. This behavior was totally uncalled and is a result of me being a shut off person. To be honest, I haven't seen or talked to my Dad in nearly 15 years by my choice so I am obviously very capable of holding a grudge. But she never owed me anything or needed to make me feel important. I just have a type of mentality where I best cope with my emotional problems by systematically isolating and removing the things that cause them from my life. It might sound cold and callous but, in the end, it's what works best for me. And, since this situation involved work, I felt the need to get over it by any means necessary ASAP. That's exactly why I never want to date a coworker! Anyways, thanks for your input. I'm always open to hearing out everyone's interpretation.
maybealone Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I, selfishly mind you, felt hurt by her actions and decided it was in my best interest to separate myself from her as far as possible. How do you think she felt when she found out for sure you had a girlfriend? And correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing she doesn't know right now whether you have a girlfriend or not. So she could be trying to feel you out without setting herself up for another disappointment. I'd put aside the thoughts that she made you feel unimportant, because those are probably nothing compared to how she felt the whole time you were not discussing your girlfriend with her. Although it may not have been on purpose on your part, I'm sure she felt led on or at least disappointed when she found out the whole truth. I'd go out to lunch with her, catch up, and see what happens without any hopes or preconceived notions about what might happen.
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