Me and my girlfriend of 4 years on a break

[AdamWard]

Hi All!

 

Just need some help on my current situation with my girlfriend of the past 4+ years.

 

My partner and I have lived together for some time and like most couples have a few ups and downs. When its up its amazing. When its down it hurts. We are both in our early/mid 20's. Last year we had problems and a discussion about where we are going and we both felt we need to do more together. Go out more and such things as we both felt we were in a poor and boring routine and for a young couple didn't do as much as we should. We worked on it and well I felt things got better. We was out more having some good times along the way too. I even pulled a few cheeky sickys at work as the time was feeling good together.

 

The past few months (2-3 say) things started to slip in to the old way again. Although we have been active and continued to always go out we started to feel a bit distant.

 

The past couple weeks we have had a few problems/disagreements which lead to a talk last week. She approached me and said we need to talk (I feared the worse!). Being nervous when we sat to talk it was clear after not to long the problem is what I predicted of feeling distant from each other.

 

She said shes worried about us and said its so sad to see we seems distant after the years we have had together. She said if we continue like this now think how bad we could be next year. I agreed because she was speaking the truth there's no way around it. She then said she felt that after the problems last year we have gone up the back down. She said she doesn't know why we are so distant and that we obviously shouldn't be. She said would it help if we had a break? Or if I went to my folks for a while? I really didn't know what to say trying to take it all in.

 

We talk for a good few hours on and off about it saying what we felt. I told her I loved her dearly ( which of course I do) and said I will do what it takes to get this right and make it work. She said after last year and when we tried it didn't work so wanted to know what we could do differently this time.

 

I later suggested that maybe if maybe she did go to her folks for a bit and see each other 3-4 days a week it may make us appreciate each others company more and maybe get them feelings back when we see each other instead of just take each other for granted. She agreed.

 

Later that evening I said to her I want to make sure we are going to do this. Do it together, not just me wanting to do it both of us. I asked if its what she wants and if she wants to do it. She said yeah I do, I do.

 

The next day she went to her folks place. After serious thinking on my own I didn't know when to make the approach of meeting up. I decided to text her the day after to meet up the next day or something. She messaged back and said can we not leave it for a week or two?

I just replied calmly and said if that's what you want then ok, just I felt we agreed to see each other a few times a week and thought we should make a start. She replied, I'd rather wait for a bit I'm sorry.

 

I understand she may want space but its of course hard cause I want to get this right and make it work.

 

What do I do next?

 

Its been a few days since we had the discussion together and naturally I miss her so much (more so maybe cause I know we aren't perfect at the moment) and really want to see and talk to her! It also hurts she hasn't made contact but again I kind of understand.

 

Its hard I feel I'm paranoid at times and always thinking negative thoughts then positives thoughts a split second later.

 

We also agreed last year to move flats and she said to me "Will that ever happen? We spoke about it last year and here and there and done nothing about it". This is something I really want to do and didn't speak much about it as I was saving for it as well as a holiday we have booked. Do I try push this a little?

 

Any advice for me would be amazing guys!

 

Help me save the love of my life!

 

Cheers

 

Adam

 

EDIT: Just as I sent this question I got a text from her! She said she is coming around tomorrow to pick up some stuff (some more clothes etc as she didn't take much when she went). She said in the MSG "You probs won't be in but just though I'd let you know". So happens I'm off work tomorrow and decided to tell her I was and that I'd be home. I asked what time she said she will be around she just replied around 10.

I thought she would maybe change her mind knowing I will be at home or does she want me to be at home to see me? Is that why she texted to tell me or not? Agrh EMOTIONS!

 

WHAT DO I DO NOW? When I see her tomorrow (Have not seen her for 5 days)? Do I tell her I miss her? Do I try to get the air a bit more clearer? If so how?

PLEASE HELP MEEEEEE

 

X

[nofool4u]

"I think we should take a break from each other"

 

Translation: I want to mess around.

[Meg717]

I would suggest that you just let her come get her stuff, don't try to talk about the relationship. Since she's the one who wants this, wait until she's ready to talk.

 

In regards to the rest of your post... Just give her the space to figure out what she wants. Since you're in your 20's (I am too) sometimes it gets very scary knowing that this is the last person you could be spending the rest of your life with and she could be feeling that way, especially if she feels the relationship has lost it's spark. It's so easy when you're with someone for a while and you live together to start to feel like you're nothing more than roommates that have sex.

 

Take advantage of this little break. I'm not saying go meet new people, I'm saying get to know yourself again. For example, now that I am single, I see my friends so much more, I am going to the gym on an almost daily basis, I'm eating better...it's the little things..

[FearfulFuture]

Wow, this is very similar to a situation i was in a few months ago, i felt obliged to leave some feedback. Unfortunately it isn't a happy ending for me as you can probably guess by the fact i am on this site. This is not to say that your current issue will follow the same pattern but im sorry to say it doesn't sound too positive.

Me and my ex-girlfriend were the same ages and lived together for 2 years (4 year relationship altogether) there is something about the 4 year mark that triggers this sort of thing off. Anyway, i came home one day and started having a conversation with the gf and it quickly went down the route of "something isn't working", "im not as happy as i was", "we should be more in love than we are" etc. This was then followed by the lets have a break and like you i didn't want to but went along with it as i thought it was best. She suggested a week of not seeing each other and thats what happened.

After the week we met up for lunch and spent the day together vowing to get things on track, i was over the moon and moved back into our apartment. We continued for a further month (i felt it was only me putting in the extra effort) and looking back now i could tell she had emotionally detached. Needless to say one month later we had "the chat" and she said she couldn't do it anymore and had fallen out of love! Is that even possible?

I was/am heartbroken but took it well (minimal tears, no begging) i think the 'break' had kind of cushioned the blow for me and for the last month i was expecting the worst.

Im sorry this isn't inspiring for you but i have seen and heard a lot of similar stories like ours and this is usually the outcome (i have seen it first hand). I hope it truly works out for the two of you but also be prepared for the worst. I felt i handled the break up well and once all financial issues were resolved i have been no contact for two months (she occasionally gets in touch about petty unresolved issues but nothing of importance).

I am hoping that by being strong and taking peoples no contact advice she will eventually return to me after experiencing life on her own (i believe some people need to do this and possibly your girlfriend may be thinking the same) although i am not waiting and neither of us after 3 months have moved on i hope for a happy ending one day as i hope you will have yours.

Again i hope you two don't follow the same path but just a little bit of advice from someone who can relate to your current dilemma. Keep us posted.

[AdamWard]

Cheers for the replies guys.

 

What strange is that I will see her tomorrow and don't know how to be around her. I just hope she isn't moody or anything. Do I maybe ask if we could go for lunch together and not bring US up unless she does first?

 

This girl is the one for me. After 5 days without her next to me its obviously made me see how much she means a lot more to me than maybe I thought. I just hope I get another chance to actually make her feel that again and not just hear it from me.

[Meg717]

I'm torn about you asking if her to go out to lunch. On one hand, I feel like what's the harm? On the other hand, I am afraid that if she can't go with you tomorrow, you'll be holding on to the possibility of a lunch date in the future.

 

I'd say go with the flow but don't begin your day with the thought you'll be spending the day with her.

[Chi townD]

When you come to the conclusion in a relationship that you think it's BETTER to spend time apart rather than stay together and work on the problems, then that's it.

 

She would rather be away from you than work with you. If she was in love with you, she wouldn't want to leave. She would want to work the problems.

 

I think she has a case of the G.I.G.S. or there's another person on the sidelines and she doesn't want to explore this other person while you are still around. So, you take a break, she hooks up with this guy and if it doesn't work out, she can always come back to your waiting arms. And if you find out about the other guy, "you can't get mad about it, we were on a break! We weren't together at the time!" Now, she doesn't have to feel guilty about it. I mean, you were together for YEARS and you haven't even heard a peep from her in almost a week. Being with the same person for sooo long, those strings are hard to cut....unless her attention is deverted elsewhere.

 

Did you even discuss no dating other people while you're on this break? Ask her about it when you see her today and watch her eye's. You might get the deer in the headlights look for a split second. Then, she'll tell you, "no,no,no...there's no one else." Well, now you put her on the hook for cheating. If you find out there's someone else and you confront her about it, be prepared for the " The OM had nothing to do with our break up, I wasn't happy for a long time." Of course, long time being since she met and cheated on you with OM.

 

Watch your back, dude!

[Tree_Salmon]

I agree, when people love you they work through the problems. If you fix this now you are just prolonging the inevitable.

A break is just a fearful way of breaking up when people aren't ready to deal with the loss of the other person.

 

I'm torn about "breaks" i don't buy it half the time.

I wouldn't want a break so why should I accept one.

 

Why can't she just take some time to herself, like a weekend?

It is true that sometimes you see a situation clearly when you step out of it but the fact that she feels the need to step away reflects some sort of problem within the relationship that shes not willing to deal with or accept.

 

The second you want a break is the second its time to leave.

Sorry to say. Just let it go.

[flitzanu]

yup. you allowed the first step, her "moving away". now that step is done, it's easier for her to keep separating.

 

i'm in the camp of "break = i want to bang other people" as most here are, but if this "break" is going to resolve any tension between the two of you, you need to GIVE that break to her. that means NO CONTACT at all. we know you want to see her, but she's not giving any signs that she is trying to see you. the more you push, the more she will pull away.

 

if you disappear and she comes back to try, there ya go. on the other hand, she may come back and tell you how you never contacted her, blah blah...which is just going to be deflection and her trying to blame it all on you.