PhillyJohn24 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I have been with the same woman for 5 years. We have broken up a few times but always have gotten back together. It has always been because of lack of communication. I had been going through some rough times financially. She has always been very forward about saving money and being smart. I on the other hand have a very entrereneurial side that is always working. I also am a great salesman and have finally found a job that I am very good at and enjoy. I have always been a jealous person because I come from a divorced family and have always had fears that it would happen to me. I am a good looking guy and I have a lot going for me, so its not like I need this girl because I believe there is no one else out there, I know better. But I truly love this girl, I have grown up with her, been with her since I was 19. I have never cheated on her and have held her on such a pedestal. She has been my world for 5 years. I always put myself second to her needs. Never have I put her down, I try so hard to give her self confidence, I always tell her how beautiful she is. We had discussed marriage and moving in together all the time, we pick out our kids names and where we would want to move. Her parents are always trying to get me to speed up and pop the question. Now the bad news....she breaks up with me out of the blue on Saturday May 1st. She tells me she needs some space to find herself and get happy again....all a shocker. I tell her okay. Now monday rolls around and I realize that I don't want to risk her finding someone else. So I call her and go to her and tell her my feelings. She acts very cold to me and tells me not to wait for her. Then we communicate through e-mail that day and she tells me that she just needs a week to think things through. I get very excited and tell her ok. Then I get an e-mail telling me she is seeing someone else....this is from an e-mail address I don't know. Anyway I call her on it and she tells me that she has met someone else and she likes him and wants to see if it is going anywhere. That breaks my heart. I don't talk to her again until Sunday ....she tells me that she made the biggest mistake of her life and wants me back. Truthfully I had been so upset I almost didn't want to go back to her. Plus I had gone out on a couple of dates with a really nice girl that week. Mostly trying to make myself feel better, but also to try and just move on because she was so cold to me I felt that it was over. I am upfront about seeing someone else and that I want to see her a few more times, to make sure this is what is best for me. I reassure her that I had not had sex with her and that I have no intentions to right now. She alsos tell me not to worry about her. I believe ths because we had been together so long and had been true to eachother the whole time. Well that Sunday night we saw eachother and had sex. It was really passionate and steamy. Now I just wanted one more week to continue to talk to the other girl. My ex also continued to see her guy. Well long story short....we get back together and everything is amazing. We are so in to eachother, and treating each other great. Then I get another e-mail from the person who told me about the other guy. This one tells me about someone she has been working with, saying that she has been sleeping with this guy behind my back for 8 months. Now the e-mail details phone calls and other e-mails from her friends...quite wierd, like someone watching out for me, or someone who doesn't like her. Regardless the information turned out to be true. I tried to pretend it didn't exist, but the fact that she worked with this guy everyday really messed with my head. Also in the phone records, it showed that she called him at 10:55pm on Friday may 21st and then called me at 12:08am may 22nd and sang me happy birthday. After everything came out it turned out she went there to end it but ended up blowing him and having him go down on her. She told me everything and said it was a friends with benefits type of situation. Now I had been having sex with her on the regular and she had this guy on days when I wasn't around. She lied to me and played me for almost an entire year. I mean I was having unprotected sex with her because we were monogamous. She claims that she wore protection with this guy and never hooked up with him. Now I look at her like a total whore. I mean I know thats how this guy she works with views her like that. To top it all off...the guy that she broke up with me for was someone totally different then this guy and it turns out that she slept with him too. Now she slept with that guy after calling me and telling me that she made a huge mistake and would do anything to get me back. After she ended it with him, she cried to me telling me that she loves me so much and wants to marry me. Now that may 18th....and like I just explained she then went to the co-workers house and did that stuff with him. Now lets be honest....this girl only told me this stuff because I found out about it through those e-mails and confronted her. She only took the co-workers phone number out of her cell because she wanted to make a gesture of good faith to me. But how can I trust this girl now. How could someone sleep with someone else just to do it, and then still be sleeping with someone you tell you love and still have pet names and talk about marriage.....I mean it is very disheartening. If I didn't love her so much I would tell her what a whore I think she is and leave her. But I really do love her, I just can't seem to get over this. To top it off, her friends and family knew about this and didn't try and get her to stop. It makes me feel like after all these years I don't mean anything to them. Also there is no way my girl respected or loved me if she did this stuff right? Also, she must have no respect for monogamy or trust right? Why would she do this to me, and how can I cope? Please help me.
flipped Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 I hope all goes well man. Shower her with attention, affection and appreciation. Rebuild the trust by making promises nad keeping them, on both parts..if its meant to be its meant to be. This happened for a reason. Learn as much as you can from it. Perhaps there is someone better out there for you? (i know but you want her) I hope all goes well with you and you imporve all your relationships cause of this.
honey2005 Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 You need to get out of that relationship, and get out fast. The fact that she was having sex with others while she was supposedly only being with you is reason enough to get out of there. Even if she was using protection, we all know its not 100% effective, and if she would even once chance getting an std and bringing it back to you, endangering your health, then she is NOT the one for you. That is not love. That is some slut who want sex with tons of guys, but wants a steady boyfriend to fall back on. Even if you do love her, its obvious she doesn't truly love you, and you need to move on. Go out, find a nice girl who really cares about you and gives you the love that you deserve. You're obviously a very passionate, loving guy, and there aren't many of you out there, I know, and it would be a shame to waste someone so loving on a girl who doesn't care if someone loves her or not.
PhillyJohn24 Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 I just want to thank everyone for helping me with this. I am so confused so anybody that can please feel free to add your thoughts. She told me she doesn't know why she did it.....I don't understand that. Also I feel as if she thinks that I let her off the hook. I mean I am not trying to put her down, I want her to know that I love her, but I also don't want her to think that I am okay at where we are at right now. I act like nothing is wrong and I think she doesn't care about what happened. Its like she doesn't take sex seriously like I do. I mean I am not a prude, I think sex is great and fun but I also loved the fact that is she was gonna be slutty it would be with me. Because I know first and foremost I respect her. The fact that she was comfortable enough with these other guys to take her clothes off and have sex with them, that just really kills me. If she was a friends girlfriend I would tell them to drop her fast. But its like she is my best friend, and the last thing I want is to be with out her. But how in the world do I trust her. For starters how can someone do this to someone else. She told me that everytime she did this she felt like a whore. Does tha mean that thats what she wants to be, if she kept going back. If she kept going back does that mean the sex with this guy was that good. I have such feelings of rage and anger that I want to act out. I would beat this guy down so bad if I ever met him. Part of me wants to find him and just really hurt him, but I know I wouldn't be able to control myself, and I don't want to be in jail for life. The second guy she slept with thought she had broken up with me, but the co-worker is the one that knew about me, and was just banging her to do it. She said he didn't care about her, and it was just a friends with benefits, but come on, how do you sleep with someone over and over and talk to them all the time and not grow feelings for them. The more I think about this the more my anger and hatred for both of them grow. I know I love her, but I don't feel as if she understands what she did to me. And that just really pisses me off. I can't tell any of my friends about this, because no matter how I feel inside I don't want anyone to look at her in a bad light. She should feel bad about what she did to me, but she doesn't deserve ridicule and outside shame from family and friends. Its between us, but at times I don't think she would really be that devastated if I was gone. If I died tomorrow, I think she would just move on. Part of me thinks thats crazy but the other part of me feels that how she is now. No one can ever understand fully someone else, and the way I loved her before was so strong, she could've done anything she wanted, I never made her feel bad about anything. I always back her play,and I would've walked in front of a bullet for her,now I am not so sure. I mean I don't want anything to happen to her, but feelings are much different now. I want to make her happy and to be a great man to her, but I don't know if I can be that anymore. I mean she didn't think I was worthy of her before, and she lied and disrespected me so many times, how do I ever trust her feelings for me. I don't want to be a security blanket. Keep the advice coming please.
honey2005 Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 You're right, she really should feel bad about what she's done. You can't just pretend like something like that didn't happen. And when you think about it, if she was willing to do that to you so many times before, how do you know she won't do it that easily again. You're putting your own health and happiness at risk for a girl who seems to not care about you half as much you care about her. I know you love her, that's easy to tell from what you've wrote, but you are important, too, and you can't just sit around and let someone treat you like that, then pretend it never happened. Do you really want to spend your life with a girl who will cheat on you, put your health at risk, and then pretend like everything is fine. That's not love. If she wants to be a whore, which it sounds like she does, nothing is going to stop her. And why would you want to be with a girl that you feel would move on right after you died. You're supposed to mean the world to the person you love. I hope you can work through this. My own opinion is you can do better and you DESERVE better. I know it hurts to lose someone you love, especially someone who is your best friend. I've been there, very recently, but it was his choice to leave, not mine, so think how that felt. Just don't waste your life on someone who doesn't love you. It's too short.
slimmontana Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 Wow..this seems like a bitter pill to swallow. This story is unbelievable! I can only imagine how Iwould feel..If I were in your shoes. The good part about this is that your not married or have any kids with this girl..from my experiences women do these things..and have no logical reason to back it up! In her mind trust me she does love you...but not in her heart..she has some real serious issues..there is no way in hell you can be with her. I know how much that hurts right now i had to come to that realization myself..my girl did not cheat on me ..she slept with someone else during our short break up of a month ...and that still has reprecussions..because now I am revaluating her as a person and our relationship as a whole. So i'm not that emotionally involved in our relationship as I was before and I'm taking things slow with her although I feel at any given point our relationship can end.. If my girl cheated on me or I found out that she did...It would hurt the hell out of me..but there would be no way I can stick around. You have to move on keep yourself busy..and not let this effect when its time to start a new relationship. What she did to you was all her fault and karma will catch up to her! Whenever we start relationships unfrotunately we take that risk.. but its better to have love and lost than to have never loved. U WILL HEAL!! There is light at the end of the tunnel! Just try to use this negative thing to make u the best person u can be in all phases of ur life!
PhillyJohn24 Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Again...I am all about the advice so please keep it coming. I am steady on this site to check out all of your advice. Do you think she is just using me as a fall back guy. I mean if she does believe that I will treat her good and I am very trustworthy as far as she is concerned. I am just afraid that that is why I am here right now. I don't want to be her guy, if that means I am just around until the next fling. The fact that she was screwing this guy and calling him and writing "raunchy" e-mails....that was her word, not mine. Does that mean that she really enjoyed the sex with this guy. Could it mean she just enjoyed the attention. But what gets me is this, I always thought about her and she had my undivided attention when we were together. I am so afraid of getting another e-mail....I have this feeling like I am gonna get another update on her and this guy, or maybe even get a copy of one of those raunchy e-mails sent to me. This is affecting me in every facet of my life. Not being able to talk about my feelings, keeping everything all bottled up inside is driving me crazy. I have trouble sleeping and don't want to do anything....work is just dragging. It is amazing how much I hurt like everyday. I am not a crier, but if I think about her being with this guy I could just break down. The thought of her touching another guy, gets me so angry. When I think about this guy making her this whore...it infuriates me. I am a very relaxed and passive guy. In most cases I don't get pissed, but I feel so volatile about this situation. I am waiting for her to call out his name. I mean everytime I am with her, I imagine her with this guy.....whenever a friend tells a story about some girl at work, who he wants to mess with, I look at my girlfriend and I think, to her co-workers thats who she is...she is like the office slut. Because I know that guy told people....and she actually went out with another guy from her work in December, but he only kissed her. One date. Who knows if that is true....but c'mon, any girl who works in an office environment and has dated the boss' son, another guy, and another guy....its pretty much a guy or relative of someone in each department, while everybody knows she has a boyfriend at home. We actually went on a cruise from her work in January.....now anyone associated with her department knew about her going and probably about me going. So everybody knew about me, and I'm sure people knew about her and the other guy. I believe this because somebody was disgusted with her enough to e-mail me and tell me about all of this. Somebody wanted to see her get caught. I want this girl to be my wife and my life, but I feel as if I don't really know the true her. I feel like I am a total joke as far as she is concerned. What can I do. What should I do....should I try and work things out, or am I just being incredibly naive? Please keep the advice coming.
honey2005 Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 It's pretty obvious you don't like how you feel right now. What happens if this feeling doesn't go away? What happens if you never regain the trust you once had in her and you go on worrying about what she's doing, what she's done, and you feel like this whenever you're around her or thinking about her? How could she be your "wife and life" when she makes you feel miserable? You deserve someone you can trust without a doubt. Someone who when she leaves in the morning you know that you're going to be the only guy on her mind the entire day, and that the highlight of her day will be the moment she gets to come home and be with you. Not someone sitting at work thinking what it would be like to sleep with the guy in the cubical next to her. I know you love her, and that's the hard part. But you'll just keep hurting if you stay with her.
phillyjohn25 Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 well Honey, I feel as if you definitely understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling. I wish my girl would just talk to me about it more. I know she is trying to pretend it never happened but that is just making me feel worse. I want to hear that I am the most important person to her, I want to hear that she is so scared sometimes that we might not get through this. I don't want her worrying about me leaving. But I don't want to be the only one hurting right now either. I am very worried that I won't get over this. I am going out with her tomorrow night, and I am meeting her at her parents....I am gonna feel very uncomfortable being at their house tomorrow night, basically they know everything, and I must be coming off looking really needy in there eyes. I always felt very confident in my abilities as a boyfriend, but because of this, I don't feel secure in our relationship. It really does scare me. I do worry about her being at work fantasizing about other guys. The one time she told me that if givien the opportunity to sleep with Brad Pitt she would....that really hurt, because I have been given the opportunity for no strings sex before a few times in college and I thought about it....but the thought of doing that to my girl just hurt me too much. I looked at her and nothing else mattered. I feel as if I never really mattered to her as much as she mattered to me. That hurts the most I think. The thought that I always cared more about what she would need as opposed to what would make me happiest, really pisses me off.Being totally in Love is the best and worst feeling all at the same time. I feel as if I leave and move on I might find happiness but she will be with me in my heart, and I am scared that given the same scenario she won't miss me. Its all very scary. The what if. I have a friend who has no girl or no direction in his life, everyone feels bad for him and the funny thing is I sometimes find myself envious of having your whole life in front of you and every direction is a viable option. I have made all my life decisions for her and me, and now I am realizing that she has made all of hers for herself, and maybe that is how it should've been. Maybe me being more into myself would have made me more interesting to her. I lost my father 2 years ago, and that has really effected my outlook on life....I can't talk about it too much with friends and family because I hate to be a burden on their lives....helping them and being there for them has made my life easier to handle. Don't get me wrong, I love my life....I'm not suicidal....not nearly....I am just questioning my place in the world. Maybe single and selfish is the way I should go. It will keep me from getting to attached and ultimately hurt. Or I am just a total moron who should grow up and move on. lol Who knows...all I know is this is by far the most therapeutic and cathartic conversation I have had in years where tears or punches haven't been exchanged. Get back with more conversation when you can.
samantha75 Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 philly, Its definitely time you think about your self first. Look at what you have written. If she really did all of this to you, how could she possibly love you. Think about it, she blew this guy from work, he ate her out, both of these acts are totally servicing the other. Picture her head bobbing up and down on this guy, talking dirty to him, is that the same girl you have been being faithful too. lol That is the thought that would be going through my head, if I were you. I am a woman and I have been right where your girl was, I had a great guy at home, he loved me so much, but I was curious, a little confused about where we were going. I used that as an excuse to look around, make myself feel wanted. Long story short, I got dumped by my boyfriend after someone told him about us, he didn't believe it at first but it was confirmed with some letters he found.So there I was dumped and lonely, luckily I had this guy from work who I thought was totally into me, well he kept me around until he started dating someone else, all of a sudden he couldn't do that anymore because he didn't want to hurt his new girl. For starters the guy I was sleeping with was also from work, and guess what, all the guys knew about it, he swore he never told anybody, but he lied, I found out later on through a girlfriend who heard about it.Him and the guys at work that I thought were my friends all made fun of me and what I did to him. I don't have the best body, I can admit that, but these guys made fun of the way I looked naked. That was really f'd up if you ask me. I was such a fool, I thought this guy was my friend. I didn't love him or anything like that, but I did trust him. I tried to work there after I found that out, but finding out that everybody thought I was a total skank, I couldn't do my job anymore. The best part about my story is this, my boyfriend that I was cheating on, he is the love of my life, it has been five years since this all happened and I have had a lot of boyfriends but never has anyone looked at me the way he did, no one has ever made me feel the way he did. He was and is the love of my life and the best friend I have ever had. The even sadder truth about this story is he started dating a girl about a 2 weeks after he found out, pretty much to make himself feel better, he just celebrated his daughters 3rd birthday and his 4th wedding anniversary about a month ago. I only know this because we still have mutual friends who tell me all of this. I would steal him away from his wife in a minute if I could, but he hasn't talked to me since. One time my apartment got broken into and he came very quickly to help me when I called, I know he still wanted the best for me, but it was just too painful for him to be with me. He just lost all trust for me and he wasn't trusting towards me in the beginning so once the trust went away so did our relationship. The worst part of the whole story is this...I stil love him so much it hurts to think about him and what we could've had. Plus the sex with the guy from work wasn't even that good, my ex-boyfriend really pleasured me. I was such a stupid little girl. I saw a picture of my ex at a friends house, he is still looking hot. What a kick in the ass that was. I will never meet a guy like that again. He was the total package, and I totally ruined everything. So if you take anything from this, know this, you are the victim,you can be happy else where, and maybe she really does regret what she did. But do you really want to put yourself in that situation? Run far away from her and never look back. She will miss you for the rest of her life. This is hard to say, but its all my fault that I am not happy right now, and she definitely deserves the same unhappiness. Good Luck Philly
honey2005 Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Maybe one night when you're together you can just sit down with her and tell her everything you've been writing on here. Just pour your heart out to her and make sure she understands that you feel she doesn't love you as much as you love her. Let her know what she means to you, that she hurt you, and how scared you are that this relationship might not work out. She might confess that she is just as scared as you are. But then again, she might not. Let her reaction to what you say help you decide if she is the one for you. If she just shrugs off what you pour out to her and ignores your feelings, then she really doesn't care as much as she lets on. But if she truly sits down and listens, and decides to try her best to make the relationship work, then maybe you have a chance of saving what you have. She can't pretend like it never happened. You shouldn't be the only one feeling pain over this. But maybe she's hurting ,too, and she's just not showing it. But there's one thing that's for sure, you can't live the rest of your life hurting and worrying that she's going to cheat on you again. That's just not right, especially for someone who is so in love with someone else. Love shouldn't be like that. You should be able to sit down with your partner and talk things through and be able to trust them in whatever they do without the slightest doubt that they would ever do anything to hurt you. Your feelings should be more important to her than anything else. More important than an exciting fling with a guy at work, more important , even, than making herself happy. You're placing her in the center of your life and making everything you do revolve around her. Why couldn't she do the same? Or at least try to be more caring. I used to think that it was only the guys that treated the girls badly, but this really shows me that there are some very good guys out there, and some girls that appear extremely heartless. The fact that you have been so unselfish in your relationship makes you one of the most caring guys I have ever talked to. You gave her youself completely, and you're still willing to love her after what she did to you. Don't change yourself over this. The way you love is one of the greatest things about you and there are not many guys like you out there. I understand how you feel about the Brad Pitt thing. I would want to be the only person that the one I loved thought about, too. The only way to find out if you will find happiness if you walk away is to do it. And it's also the only way to find out if she would really miss you when you're gone. Maybe that's what she needs, to know that you are willing to put yourself before her for once in your life and do what is really best for you. To realize that you're not going to sit there and let her hurt you again and again. The fact that you love someone so much to do anything for them is amazing and wonderful, but you have to care about yourself, too. I don't know if I'm really being of any help, but my advice is to sit down and talk to her about how you feel. Let all your feelings go at once and see if she is able to pick it all up. If not, then maybe she just isn't the one for you. But if that's the case, don't lose your view on love, because that is something very very special. Save it for someone who is willing and able to give themselves to you the way you're willing to. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk to someone about your father, or anything else, I'm always here to listen:). I hope I helped out at least a little.
tfbp Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 phillyjohn Dude, she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Read up on it. You are her supply. These people can't change!!!!!!!!
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