sad puppy Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Rented a car? Hmmmm. Most hotels run free shuttles to a convention/trade show. Call the hotel, ask about shuttle to show. Then you'll find out what's up, and it's free and fast.
tojaz Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I understand your view Tojaz, thanks for the different perspective, which got me thinking differently. He has taken pictures of where he has been and sent me all texts of images yesterday and this morning so far. Him at the restaurant, him at the conference, etc. We will see how long that lasts since he his over there till Thursday night. I did explain to him that it made us go backwards by his decision in going to the conference and it was disrespectful to me. And he apologized, but said again that money was an issue and it was too expensive to not go. He told me he was staying the whole week, but I asked him why if it's hurting me so much that you are there, why can't he just go for the main things and leave? His excuse again was the cost to change the air ticket to come back early. But he did it anyway and told me it cost him $216 to change his air ticket. Then this morning he texts me telling me he has to rent a car because taxi was costing $20 each way to and from the hotel to the conference everyday. Why does he have to point out the costs to me and make it like an excuse? I don't know what he's trying to say, think, or do. Seems like he makes a decision, acts upon it, but then apologizes for it afterwards, I would rather him think before he acts. I also had a phone consultation with a therapist yesterday, not sure if I need one, as I feel like they just keep asking questions and it doesn't get anywhere. She also interrupted me a few times and automatically said I should come in and make an appointment. I felt like she was rushing the call. Did therapy help any of you? Its hard to say whats going on. On the guilty side of things, money would make an easy excuse to go and sending pictures may be some form of alibi etc. On the innocent side, He may think the pics and reporting back what he has to do is his way of showing you hes not hiding anything. "Hey I'm renting a car so don't freak when you see it on the credit card bill" I really have no clue from what you have written which it is obviously. I think your right though that he seems to take the "asking for forgiveness is easier then asking for permission" route. That was kind of why i felt the way I did in my last post. When your upset it is easy to put a negative spin on just about anything. If its there or not. That doesn't mean you couldn't do a little detective work to find out the truth though. I like Sad puppy's idea about calling the hotel about a shuttle to see what he really needs that car for. Therapy does help if you let it. The first few sessions are usually little more then the question asking you describe. Just like coming to this forum, they have to learn your story and the details to help you along the way. Many people think therapy is some miracle cure but it is really just a way to point you in the right direction to find your own answers. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I did explain to him that it made us go backwards by his decision in going to the conference and it was disrespectful to me. And he apologized, but said again that money was an issue and it was too expensive to not go. He told me he was staying the whole week, but I asked him why if it's hurting me so much that you are there, why can't he just go for the main things and leave? His excuse again was the cost to change the air ticket to come back early. But he did it anyway and told me it cost him $216 to change his air ticket. Then this morning he texts me telling me he has to rent a car because taxi was costing $20 each way to and from the hotel to the conference everyday. Why does he have to point out the costs to me and make it like an excuse? I don't know what he's trying to say, think, or do. I like this part above in bold, sounds very clear and firm; however, it seems as much as he acknowledges your feelings, he also rebuffs them with doing what he wants to anyway. I would definitely call the hotel and ask how far the conference is from the hotel and if there is a van or shuttle that the hotel offers as a service. It would only be a little detective work to find out if that is the same hotel he stays at every time he goes to that city. It would be interesting to find out why he chooses to stay at one so far from the conference center that he needs a taxi. I've gone to many conferences for my company and 100% of the time, the conference is on-site at the hotel or within walking distance....those are the hotels that offer company discounts to people attending the conference. I would do what detective work I could and hold onto it for future reference....but stick to your guns on his agreement not to travel there again for anything....someone else could go to the one in October, plenty of time to change the arrangements. Seems like he makes a decision, acts upon it, but then apologizes for it afterwards, I would rather him think before he acts. I also had a phone consultation with a therapist yesterday, not sure if I need one, as I feel like they just keep asking questions and it doesn't get anywhere. She also interrupted me a few times and automatically said I should come in and make an appointment. I felt like she was rushing the call. Did therapy help any of you? That's the rub, getting someone to think before they act....unfortunately, just about anyone can justify and validate their actions with any decision they make. An apology is only as good as the actions that transpire after the apology, which is a good faith offering to totally stop the action that caused the apology. As it's been said here a couple of times....just enough rope....and if you are lucky, the truth will offer itself up on a platter. Has for me multiple times. Then you can either make an informed decision or know you made the right one. As to IC, that's a split decision on the boards actually. If YOU feel you have something to work on, then by all means. But, pick one that does not rush you on the phone consultation. I would also suggest to pick a non-prescribing one so you don't get medication shoved down your throat which could impair your decisions or your thinking, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders as it is. Perhaps the two of you going to see a counselor together is a better alternative. One counselor working with the two of you for both sides of the story rather than his counselor and your counselor validating one side of the story.
Author Confused008 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I did take all of your advice last night and called the hotel, and they don't have a shuttle running to the convention ctr. He's actually a big procrastinator, so I had to book the hotel for him 2 months ago and this hotel was the only reasonable one left as the one next to the convention was booked already. I looked on Google maps and it is too far to walk. But either way, I have told him that by him going to this place it really put us in a bind with trying to fix the marriage in a positive direction and questions my future ability to trust him again. He sent me 2 pictures of him at the conference center in the meetings and what not and 2 of him at the restaurant with other business partners (men only). But not enough in my opinion, because by him being there it is making it very hard for me. He really shouldn't have went in the first place. But I still want to know what the truth was behind his affair, and what it was really about, since he cheated on me emotionally 3 times before we got married and then led to a one year of emotional AND physical cheating after we got married. I need to know WHY. I like all facts before I make any decision - so I feel like this will help me decide. Especially since this is a major life changing decision. So I told him that if he wants to go to therapy then to do this asap, but only if he is willing and wanting to go, otherwise going to therapy won't work. So he told me as soon as he gets back from the conference he will find someone, and he emailed a few this morning - but this should have happened the 1st/2nd week we were going through this! This coming Sunday will be a month, and I haven't seen him since, or talked to him by phone - our only communication is text/email. He is temporarily staying at his parents place (7 hr drive/1 hr plane ride). I'll keep you all posted... A quick quote one of my friends posted on FB I thought was pretty accurate right now in my life: "PEOPLE were created to be LOVED. THINGS were created to be USED. The reason why the world is in such chaos is because THINGS are being LOVED, and PEOPLE are being USED." Edited May 16, 2012 by Confused008 1
tojaz Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Love the quote Confused. You have a right to know, and I'm glad he was at least receptive to counseling. Good luck to you. TOJAZ
Author Confused008 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Posted May 31, 2012 So a quick update on my situation... I have been analyzing our relationship for the past month, reading articles, and reasons why men cheat, and personalities and such. And I have come to a conclusion that he has many narcissistic traits. I'm not sure if he has the actual disorder (NPD), but there are many traits I have read about that I can give many examples to our relationship and relate to. He has been very selfish in our relationship, it's always about him, and I gave in too many times and always put him first for everything, which I know now was wrong. And in order for me to be happy I will need to leave him. Last night confirmed it, as many of you have said - give a little rope, so I haven't talked to him for over a month now, by phone, (it's only been emails and texts). I told him that I would call him after 8pm sometime so we can talk and discuss a few things. I came home at 9pm, because right now I am unable to come home alone after work everyday, it's too hard, so I go to my sister's house for dinner). Anyway, I texted him if he was alone and if he was ready to talk...so he texted me back saying that his mom and sister came over to his apt and brought him dinner and if he could eat first.....EAT FIRST? Seriously? We haven't talked in over a month and he wants to eat first and he had his mom and sister come over knowing that anytime after 8pm I was going to call him. Selfish or what? So I texted him "let me know what you want to do" Then he started giving me sarcastic remarks about how he should just sit and wait for 2 hours the next time to wait for a phone call for me and then he got mad and said that it was my fault and I should have given him an appointment time to talk like 8:30pm sharp. So I told him that he should have wanted to talk to me and not gotten mad at me since he was the one who cheated, he should be trying harder. Then he went back and apologized and said he was sorry that he screwed up. This confirmed my reasoning that he has many traits of being a Narcissist. He still hasn't given me his passwords to his emails or cell phone bills or anything, he said he would work on it and send it to me a few weeks ago..and I still don't have anything. He went to 2 therapy sessions so far and his therapist said that he has some sort of mechanism that is blocking his memories, as he said he can't remember significant childhood memories or significant memories of our relationship and marriage other than our honeymoon trip and our Europe trip. I just think it is time to move on now and heal myself from his emotional abuse of being a narcissist and always blaming me and putting me last and him first all the time. The therapist told him that he can't be a narccisist because he cares too much for other people, but I also read that not many therapists know about narcissism and can't diagnose because it is up to the person to tell the therapist the truth and not manipulate them as well. There was one time where I was crying about our car being towed in front of our house, because I knew it would cost $200 to get it out, and was upset because it was right in front of our house and the money that would be wasted away, and all he did was look at me from afar, while sitting on the dining table, while I cried standing there helpless and I thought to myself - why doesn't he come and console me? Am I crying for no reason? A lot of this and other instances when I had to ask him to give me a hug or console me, and because he was my first everything I thought all men were like this and I had nothing to compare it to...but now I know I was wrong and there are better men out there. I just can't get sucked into this type of relationship again and need to learn from it. I'll try and give him a call today again, and explain to him that I just can't be with him anymore because I need to start thinking of myself to be happy and have the right relationship that I deserve from someone who will respect me. I'm going to pick up a book about Narcissism today to help me heal and move forward - try to fix the damage of my emotions and logical thinking from my 13 yrs of being with him. Any one have any suggestions on good books out there? I heard "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" is a good book.
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