Confused008 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Keeping this story somewhat short, I have been with my husband for 13 yrs now since I was 16 yrs old. We've been married for almost 5 years now and I just found out (2 weeks ago) that a year ago he had an affair with someone for 1 year back in 2010-2011. First it was a emotional relationship with them talking on the phone for 6 months after they met at a bar in Vegas (his monthly business trip), and then lead to physical contact with dinner and sex about 8 times. He then realized it was wrong and ended it, but I found pictures of him and her they took at a photo booth and a card she wrote to him for his birthday stating she loved him. He says its over with her and it was a stupid mistake he made and everyday since I found out he has been apologizing. But I am so confused, because our marriage was a lie! He never hinted that he had an affair, he never pushed me away, he was nice, caring, thoughtful to me, helped my family and hung out with our friends and family. I did everything in my power everyday to please him and make sure he was not stressed with a financial situation he was going through with his Dad. (Basically his dad had him sign a loan for him and for a year lawyers and banks would call my husband asking for payments on the mortgage because his dad couldn't make the payments). I knew about this and knew he was stressed, and tried to make his life unstressful in his everyday life, (paid all the bills, cooked, cleaned, tended to his errands first, his needs first, he was #1 in my life) but I guess it wasn't good enough. So this is why is said he cheated because of the financial situation he was in and he was scared to let me down. This is what he says. I don't know if I can forgive him for this ever, as I don't know why he didn't know it was wrong when he first got her number and started talking to her on the phone. Mind you that he did this to me before in college and started talking to girls on the phone randomly and lied to me about it. And I told him that after we get married this cannot go on anymore and if I found out you did it I will leave you. Well I never thought he would take it a step further and have sex with someone else when we were married! He texts me everyday apologizing, sent me 24 roses, it was my birthday last week and he sent me arrangements, balloons and a card as well. He keeps apologizing and says he won't do it again but how I can believe him? He keeps telling me he would never do this again and to give him a chance and even watched the movie I suggested him to watch "Fireproof" and he watched it. Worst part is that my parents and sister know and if I take him back then will never forgive him. And I will have to live with the hostility between the two families. Especially since I hate his dad for always asking us for money and caused this in the first place. *I read articles online and they said to set ground rules, so I sent him a list, and 75% of the things listed on there he has other ideas for and doesn't want to agree to my terms. He wants to move to where his family lives and says it will be better so he doesn't have to travel for work anymore, and he still wants to loan his parents money and won't agree to have a rule to not loan any family member money on my side or his side, because of his cheating - money is what caused it in my eyes. So we have to eliminate the main issue, right? I am so confused I don't know what to do, It's hard because we had a happy marriage, or so I thought...but I guess it was a lie, or he has problems and needs help! Any advice out there? By the way I am 30 yrs old, and we have no kids.
Snowflower Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 First of all, I am sorry for your pain. I think the question that you are asking, whether to take him back or divorce him is a question only YOU can decide what the answer is. Asking us on an internet forum or your friends or family will give you a whole variety of opinions and "suggestions" but it is YOUR life, YOUR marriage and YOUR decision. You will have to ultimately make a decision that will make YOU happy and that YOU can live with. (notice how I keep capitalizing/emphasize the word 'you' in my writing--that's to emphasize that this is your choice. ) Even though friends and family have your best interests at heart, they are often biased and their reactions/suggestions are often based on their own fears. I've been where you are at right now. It sucks completely. Few things in life suck more, IMO! If you were my best friend or sister sitting in front of me right now, I would say the following...some of it is based on my own experience with infidelity in my marriage and some of it is based on what I have learned since that awful experience or what has worked for others. First of all, I would not make any big decisions right now if you are able to just wait and take your time. When a spouse first learns about the infidelity, our reptilian brain or "fight or flight" instinct often kicks in and we make rash decisions based on our pain and shock. Sometimes, as you probably know, rash decisions are not always the best. I'm not saying you should stay married to your cheating husband but if he has stopped the affair (which it seems that he has from your post) then you likely have the luxury of time to decide what is best for YOU. Try to wait at least 6 months before making any major decisions. I promise you, your perspective will change in 6-12 months and you will have a clearer idea about what is right for you. Secondly, get into IC (individual counseling) for yourself and insist that your husband get into IC on his own as well. This should be a condition for any possible reconciliation that your husband should have to meet. He needs to be able to understand why he chose to cheat. Financial problems with his family? Nah, I don't buy it and neither should you. There was something in him that allowed for him to cheat for 6 months and it wasn't because of his family's finances. You were right when you said it was his problem and he needs help! As for your IC, you can slowly start to decide in your sessions what you want to do--remember, 6 months before you decide. Third, (and this is debatable) marriage counseling for both of you (MC). Some couples wait on the MC until after the WS has figured out his issues and some couples start right away. Some couples never seek counseling after infidelity which I think makes things a whole lot more difficult. Fourth, since you don't have children, consider making him move out/stay out of your home. I got the impression from your post that he was living somewhere else right now. For now, I think that is best. It gives YOU time to think and he gets a taste of what life will be like without you. If the affair is really and truly over, separation is a "luxury" that you and your husband might be able to use to sort out your feelings individually. I think each spouse needs some time to explore their feelings and see what life alone is going to be like and get some perspective on the marriage too. That's the short list. I'm sure others here will post their thoughts too. There is good advice here and if you feel up to it, check out the Infidelity forum here on LS. Sometimes reading other peoples stories helps you gain some perspective and information. Good luck and ((Hugs)) 1
Author Confused008 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Thank you for your reply Snowflower. I understand in that I need time to make a decision. Although I am a person who is a planner and needs plans done so that I can start on them. I appreciate your perspective, as not many people have told me what you have, everyone keeps saying to leave him, and that I'm young at 30 yrs and will find a better person for me out there. Which to be honest, is scary considering I haven't been single since I was 16. Even considering his thoughts on the ground rules from now on, he didn't agree to them, so his thought process is still with financial issues. Is my decision easier to make now that he won't agree on this? which tells me that I will have a hard time building the marriage back if he won't compromise now? He won't give up his traveling job, but said I can come with him, but I will lose my job if I have to leave every other week to travel! Money issues with his dad he said can't stop because he can't just sit and watch his dad having financial struggles. I understand family comes first, but shouldn't your husband/wife & marriage as well? Maybe I am looking for assurance that I am thinking of leaving him and doing the right thing. I am a logical thinking person, and did outweigh the pro and cons of staying and leaving. But everyday my emotions are like a roller coaster and you are right...time alone without him has allowed me to think about it more clearly. I hope in 6 months it will be clearer. Thanks again for your reply, I look forward to hearing what others think I should do. Getting opinions will keep my options open and decide all the circumstances that may or may not happen if I stay or leave him.
thatone Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 honestly, read again what you just told us. a) he had a cheating tendency before you got married b) he cheated after you got married c) he takes money out of your pockets and gives it to his family d) when you point out a problem with this he rationalizes it and does it anyway take the fact that you have no kids as a blessing. you can get a clean break from this guy. learn the hard lessons, do better in the future. there's a pretty clear lack of respect here on his part. you can't change that, he is who he is. 1
Snowflower Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Thank you for your reply Snowflower. I understand in that I need time to make a decision. Although I am a person who is a planner and needs plans done so that I can start on them. I appreciate your perspective, as not many people have told me what you have, everyone keeps saying to leave him, and that I'm young at 30 yrs and will find a better person for me out there. Which to be honest, is scary considering I haven't been single since I was 16. If you are a person who needs to plan things out, then the 6 month timeframe will probably be very beneficial to you. Yes, everyone will pretty much tell you to leave him, that you can find someone better, etc. And you know, they are probably right. But you need to know that YOU are making the right decision for you, in spite of what other people say. The thing is, my best advice to you is to caution you to wait until you are at peace with your decision, whatever that is. You will know what the right decision is when you reach it and you will do so on your timeframe. Your heart and head and gut instinct will all agree and you will know what you will need to do. I understand how it is to have been with someone your entire adult life and then to consider leaving them. People will poo-poo that feeling but I think it makes the decision to leave/stay even more difficult. I had been with my H since I was 19 and yep, it felt/feels like my entire adult identity was somehow interconnected with him. IMO, it makes it even more difficult to make the break because you feel like you might lose a part of yourself. Scary stuff indeed. Even considering his thoughts on the ground rules from now on, he didn't agree to them, so his thought process is still with financial issues. Is my decision easier to make now that he won't agree on this? which tells me that I will have a hard time building the marriage back if he won't compromise now? He won't give up his traveling job, but said I can come with him, but I will lose my job if I have to leave every other week to travel! Money issues with his dad he said can't stop because he can't just sit and watch his dad having financial struggles. I understand family comes first, but shouldn't your husband/wife & marriage as well? I missed this part in your first post. Your husband's lack of willingness to compromise will be a huge factor in whether or not you decide to give him another chance. Has he always been this selfish and inflexible? Yes, you and his marriage should be first priority...even more so now that he has betrayed your marriage so horribly. He needs to figure out a way that he can help his family without making you/your marriage suffer. If he isn't willing to do this, then you might have your answer. Not to mention that he absolutely needs to make you his priority right now. What are your thoughts on counseling for you, him and for the two of you? Maybe I am looking for assurance that I am thinking of leaving him and doing the right thing. I am a logical thinking person, and did outweigh the pro and cons of staying and leaving. But everyday my emotions are like a roller coaster and you are right...time alone without him has allowed me to think about it more clearly. I hope in 6 months it will be clearer. Thanks again for your reply, I look forward to hearing what others think I should do. Getting opinions will keep my options open and decide all the circumstances that may or may not happen if I stay or leave him. Again, you will know what the right decision is for you when the time is right. Don't rush this decision--it might well be the biggest decision of your life and no matter what you decide, it will certainly change the course of your life. My advice is to make the decision that you won't regret--both choices are extremely difficult--and you don't want to have the added weight of wondering if you did the right thing on top of it.
PegNosePete Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 sex about 8 times. He then realized it was wrong Umm. Really. This is what he told you? And you believe this? It took him 8 times to realize that it was wrong? What, after the first 7 times he was like, "oh maybe this is wrong but maybe not, I'll just try it again to make sure"??? Seriously, what a crock of rubbish. Everyone knows cheating is wrong. There is no such thing as "realizing" it is wrong. And there is absolutely no excuse for doing it 8 times thinking it was not wrong the first 7!!! He says its over with her and it was a stupid mistake he made and everyday since I found out he has been apologizing. Really a stupid mistake? No. A mistake is writing the current date instead of your date of birth on an application form. A mistake is going through a red light because you're trying to change the CD track. A mistake is tripping up in the street and breaking your nose on a lamp post. Chatting up some girl and having sex 8 times is NOT a mistake!!!!! And he's been apologising since you BUSTED him... yeah... makes sense. He is sorry he got caught, not sorry he did it. *I read articles online and they said to set ground rules, so I sent him a list, and 75% of the things listed on there he has other ideas for and doesn't want to agree to my terms. Well then, what did those articles say to do if he won't agree to the rules? Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier, and file for divorce. You're still young and have no kids. Don't waste 2, 5, 10 or 20 more years of your life on this arsehole. 1
Author Confused008 Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Thank you ThatOne, Snowflower, and PegNosePete for your comments, I appreciate the advise and it helps me to realize what I am describing in other people's words. You all are right. I am also surprised to see opinions from 2 men, no offense to anyone of you right now, but I am so upset with the concept of "men" and their actions, because it has only been 2.5 weeks since I found out and I know it will take time to trust again...but right now I am angry at all men. But I do appreciate your comments, which surprised me to hear from you, instead of more women on the forum. Thank you for this, it has helped me think a bit more clearer that there are moral men out there that think cheating is unacceptable and shouldn't be a choice regardless of what is going on in your relationship. I think the break point for me is that if he doesn't agree to the ground rules then I am out 100%, I have to think about my happiness and I don't want to waste my time anymore than I have especially since I am already 30 and want to start a family - which I only have till I'm 40 at the latest to be on the safe side (per my doctor). I am right now at 85% wanting to leave and 15% to try to work it out. Thanks again to all 3 of you, I will continue to read other threads and see what others have done in my situation to get different perspectives. Will keep you all posted. I welcome all comments and further advise from others.
thatone Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 (edited) I am also surprised to see opinions from 2 men, no offense to anyone of you right now, but I am so upset with the concept of "men" and their actions, because it has only been 2.5 weeks since I found out and I know it will take time to trust again...but right now I am angry at all men. But I do appreciate your comments, which surprised me to hear from you, instead of more women on the forum. Thank you for this, it has helped me think a bit more clearer that there are moral men out there that think cheating is unacceptable and shouldn't be a choice regardless of what is going on in your relationship. no offense taken. this is a relationship forum, after all, for the most part we talk about terrible people because it's about problems with terrible people. the discussions get heated and we all argue with each other from time to time but that's how it goes. there are men who think it's unacceptable. i've never cheated on anyone, ever. i'm not so terrified of being alone that i need to cause someone else grief. if i'm not happy, i'll just leave. honestly if you read most of the threads on this forum it's about women cheating and ruining marriages, so there are bad people on both sides. but not everyone. it's just like any other facet of social life. you are as happy as the people that you surround yourself with. the ones that make you miserable, well, you just have to cut them loose. fwiw i have been in your situation with women (albeit not married to them) that can't separate from damaging family members. you can't convince them to do so. no matter how long you've been with such a person in a relationship, their family has been with them longer. it's actually more common with women that mothers/sisters ruin relationships because of meddling and jealousy issues. but again, not everyone is this way. and honestly, at your age, if you do go ahead with the divorce and wind up dating again in your early 30s, i would wager that you'll probably find a higher number of stable and independent men out there who aren't tied to the dead weight of leeching family members and exes and other such baggage. so even if the divorce happens it's not the end of the world. Edited May 9, 2012 by thatone
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 no offense to anyone of you right now, but I am so upset with the concept of "men" and their actions, because it has only been 2.5 weeks since I found out and I know it will take time to trust again...but right now I am angry at all men. No offence taken, and I hope that by reading this forum and our replies, that you can realize not all men are bad. Just read some of the threads on here, you'll see many many stories of good men whose wives or ex-wives are cheating, lying nasty pieces of work (mine included).
tojaz Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Confused, there are threads like this all the time. I think your asking the wrong question though. Its not SHOULD you take him back, its are YOU capable of taking him back? I have always referred to it as Forgiving the unforgivable. What that means is, do you believe you would reach a point where what had happened in your past wouldn't overshadow your future. Would you be able to set the affair aside and rebuild the marriage on its own merits, or would it always hang over you like a black cloud. There is no right or wrong answer. He's the one that broke it and giving him another chance is a gift you would be bestowing on him. Plain and simple. When i was in your situation, I thought I could forgive and was going to try, but she had been unable to leave the affair behind so I don't know how successful I would have been. Which brings the other part of the equation out into the light. Will there be trust? Is HE capable of walking the straight and narrow and not putting you in a position to have to make this decision again? TOJAZ
Author Confused008 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 So I was talking to someone yesterday and told him about my ground rules I set, and he said I was being really unfair about one particular rule: "To quit his traveling job all together." (get a regular 9-5 job that stays in town) I read articles online stating some ground rules would be to find the cause of how he cheated and eliminate that so that he doesn't have temptation again, and since that was caused the affair (him traveling to another city every month), I thought that was a fair and logical rule. Mind you that the first day I found out about his affair and talked about it, he told me he would get a regular 9-5 job if I would take him back and now he is backing out on his word and asking if I can "work with him" on this rule since he is making more money being self-employed, more than a regular 9-5 job that he could take with his experience. The person I talked to yesterday told me that it wasn't fair to give him that rule and make him quit his job because he is making more money with being self-employed, and that is what will provide for our future and family financially. But I disagree with him, but it also got me thinking, is it really fair what I am asking or am I being too harsh? What do you all think about this?
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 No offence taken, and I hope that by reading this forum and our replies, that you can realize not all men are bad. Just read some of the threads on here, you'll see many many stories of good men whose wives or ex-wives are cheating, lying nasty pieces of work (mine included).Mine too. I never cheated on anyone either. So not all men are scum. Just like not all women are lying, cheating, soul sucking whores. So I was talking to someone yesterday and told him about my ground rules I set, and he said I was being really unfair about one particular rule: "To quit his traveling job all together." (get a regular 9-5 job that stays in town) I read articles online stating some ground rules would be to find the cause of how he cheated and eliminate that so that he doesn't have temptation again, and since that was caused the affair (him traveling to another city every month), I thought that was a fair and logical rule. Mind you that the first day I found out about his affair and talked about it, he told me he would get a regular 9-5 job if I would take him back and now he is backing out on his word and asking if I can "work with him" on this rule since he is making more money being self-employed, more than a regular 9-5 job that he could take with his experience. The person I talked to yesterday told me that it wasn't fair to give him that rule and make him quit his job because he is making more money with being self-employed, and that is what will provide for our future and family financially. But I disagree with him, but it also got me thinking, is it really fair what I am asking or am I being too harsh? What do you all think about this? I think that since you are the one that was cheated on, you can make any damn rule you want. If he really wants you and save the marriage, he will follow your rules. Who cares what the other person thinks. It's not their life, or marriage. It boils down to your husband needs to be kissing your butt. He is the one that screwed up. He is the one that lied to you. He is the one that was making the "mistake" 8 times. I quoted the word mistake only because it was not a mistake that he did her 8 times. You show him that list of rules. Staple it to his head if you have to. But let him know that if he can't follow those rules, you will show him the door. If you cave into him not following your rules, he WILL cheat again at some point. He needs to know and understand that you are willing and able to leave if he continues his actions. You will not let him walk all over you. If he can't follow your rules, then he doesn't respect you or your marriage. Do you really want that out of life? I gave my wife 4 rules. One was to never contact her OM ever again. She did again. I threw her a*s out the door for the second time and the divorce will be over in a few weeks. It hurts and it has been the worst 3 months of my life, but I will not be walked on and disrespected. Neither should you!
tojaz Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 So I was talking to someone yesterday and told him about my ground rules I set, and he said I was being really unfair about one particular rule: "To quit his traveling job all together." (get a regular 9-5 job that stays in town) I read articles online stating some ground rules would be to find the cause of how he cheated and eliminate that so that he doesn't have temptation again, and since that was caused the affair (him traveling to another city every month), I thought that was a fair and logical rule. Mind you that the first day I found out about his affair and talked about it, he told me he would get a regular 9-5 job if I would take him back and now he is backing out on his word and asking if I can "work with him" on this rule since he is making more money being self-employed, more than a regular 9-5 job that he could take with his experience. The person I talked to yesterday told me that it wasn't fair to give him that rule and make him quit his job because he is making more money with being self-employed, and that is what will provide for our future and family financially. But I disagree with him, but it also got me thinking, is it really fair what I am asking or am I being too harsh? What do you all think about this? I would suggest trimming down the rules a bit. You have a right to put conditions on him, and the other posters are correct that he needs to be bending over backwards for you. Thats not really something to be taken advantage of though. His job had nothing to do with his cheating. There are plenty of people who travel for their work that don't cheat. There are plenty of 9 to 5ers shtupping the neighbor lady or the pool boy. I would focus on good rules rather then ones that are there to cover every eventuality. Not only is that impossible, but it doesn't leave any room for trust to be restored over time. Theres only 3 things needed to cheat. 1. The desire to cheat 2. A willing partner. 3. A relatively flat surface. Only one of those things "made" him cheat.... his desire to cheat. Money trouble, his job, friends, lifestyle. Have nothing to do with "making" him cheat. They may make it easier, but without the desire there is no risk. Thats where you need to be if your thinking about taking him back. Get to the root of why he made the decisions he did. What led him there, why he went through with it. What it did for him (besides the obvious)! As for rules, 4 come to mind 1. He initiates absolutely no contact with OW. no good byes, no just emails. nothing. She is a ghost. 2. If she initiates contact, he reports to you imediately and YOU decide how it is handled. Polite note or branding your initials in her forehead, your call. 3. Complete transparency! His phone, emails, mail, facebook, whatever you want is available to you at any time. You ask he tells or produces. PERIOD! Privacy and trust will be something he needs to earn. 4. COUNSELING TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 it makes it even more difficult to make the break because you feel like you might lose a part of yourself. Yes, you and his marriage should be first priority...even more so now that he has betrayed your marriage so horribly. He needs to figure out a way that he can help his family without making you/your marriage suffer. If he isn't willing to do this, then you might have your answer. Snowflower has probably the most thought out and compassionate advice here...yes, the job gave him opportunity...but it was him who acted on it. There are many men who travel on business and pride themselves on not cheating and loving their families. Real men, the ones worth holding onto and fighting through infidelity, are men who truly regret what they did. They show that through actions that they know mean a lot to you..not by flowers for your birthday or a here or there trip to memory lane. Be fair about the conditions, know your limits...but have clear, defined boundaries of where your comfort level is perturbed...speak up when he oversteps them, just leave room for him to breath also. My dad always taught me to leave just enough rope for someone to hang himself unless he needed to be reeled back in, the path a person chooses is their own making. If he can't handle the first several months of your earned insecurity, then he has not the empathy to continue a marriage. 1
Author Confused008 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Thanks for the input from everyone. Talking to a few of my friends/sisters as well they said that he really needs to ask "How High?", when I tell him to jump for anything right now, and I don't get the feeling that he really wants to because money and his family's financials are very important to him from his reactions to the ground rules. Another agreement I talked about was to live where we are currently living and not move to where his family is. He thinks moving is more logical to benefit his job financially. But living away from my family (about 7 hour drive) is pretty far for me not to have any close support, if I agree to move closer to his family like he wants to, so that it will allow him to have a financially stable income to support our future family, (if I decide to take him back and move further into the relationship with him.) Plus I lose my own job in our current town if I move, and it's hard to find a job anywhere these days in this economy (as I have been looking for a year now and haven't had one interview yet) I feel like he doesn't deserve to get what he wants, and why should I give in to his needs..again. I read about "Serial Cheaters" and because he has a track record of emotional cheating with other women behind my back - found out he did this 3 separate times before we got married - not physical, but emotional, while we were together. So I feel like he will never change, but do these type of people that act this way ever change? That is what is so hard for me, because he has betrayed my trust now 4 times! I don't know if I can try again and trust that he won't break it for the 5th time. He may change as a person and be the best man who never ever cheats on his wife ever again, but I am scared to take that risk with him again as in my eyes, I don't have enough time to wait around and see what will happen especially when his history and thoughts say otherwise. I am thinking of starting counseling next week to get my thoughts in order.
tojaz Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 It sounds like your trying to tackle everything all at once Confused. You have questions and decisions spread all over and your trying to weave them all together into one thing that makes sense. Doesn't work that way most of the time and a lot of what you have on your mind operate on totally seperate levels. Family, love, trust, financials, thats a lot of ground to cover. Tackle things one at a time and then move on to the next. TOJAZ
Author Confused008 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) So he agreed to never visit that "city" ever again where he had his affair. And he was scheduled to go this whole week for a convention. He told me he forgot all about it last week and he said he didn't know what to do. I told him it was up to him to decide. (I wanted him to make that decision so I would know how he really felt about our marriage and know if he really wants to fix "us"). And if he could show me that I could trust him again. Today, I find out that he flew and went to the convention, he is at the hotel in that "city" and he told me that he had no choice and that the registration was $1000 on his name and he couldn't send anyone else and if people asked why he didn't go he wouldn't know what to tell them (right now we haven't told any extended family, friends, coworkers, etc about his affair-. Only our parents and siblings know). He said he had no choice and had to go because the company he went for needs to place orders and find companies at the trade show for supplies. He said next time he will send someone else or I can go with him, as there is another one in October, But our agreement was to never visit that "city" ever again! So he basically is saying $1000, his self image, and work is more important than me, fixing our marriage, and helping me to trust him again. There were many excuses he could have given to NOT go. He again had a CHOICE. I think this answers my questions and make the decision easier for me to decide what to do, does it not? His actions today is a deal breaker - isn't it? Edited May 14, 2012 by Confused008
sad puppy Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I work trade shows and one would never forget they have to go with all the prep, planning, coordinating work in advance, scheduling, ... It is impossible to forget that you have to go to a show. Sometimes meetings are scheduled to meet with others there, .. There is just so much involved. In fact, I just got back from one, trust me, no one can forget they have to go.
Yasuandio Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Correct, and correct, and correct. Of course he knew of the convention! And, as you said, others issues trump your marriage crisis. And he could have taken you with him. Your answer is painfully before you. You know, I liked an article on Marriage Builders website that discussed how to prevent infidelity. Surprisingly, the author, who is also the organizer for this wonderful, free, media-packed, makes an interesting confession at the beginning of his article. He admits that although he has been a faithful husband, he and his wife know that he cannot be trusted when it comes to a scenario that might encourage infidelity. He also says he does not trust his wife under such curcumstances as well. They are both in an harmonious agreement that they wil NEVER sleep apart. The article discusses many many other preventives too. Of course, you cannot be together 100% of the time -- although, you can be accountible for your whereabouts. The article is really pointing to our natural instincts as human beings, and it is an interesting perspective, or the possible foundation for an affair-proof marriage, as close as that can be resembled. So glad your question was answered for you! The same has been answered for you before, and he even grant you a future answer! Bottom line, he is going to the town where the dead was done, and he'll continue his "Conventioneer'in!" I'd say there's a good chance he had "company" at the recent event. Good luck to you! You are a very smart, articulate young lady, you DO NOT need this ball and chain on your pretty ankle. Yas 1
Author Confused008 Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Thank you sad puppy and Yas, I agree with you both, I'm sure glad I have my answer now. Just to clarify, he is not part of the trade show - (which is even worse to give an excuse that he HAD TO go), he was attending the convention as a registrant, and the trade show was his excuse because a lot of companies exhibit their products and give discounts at the conferences, so he said that he had to go to place orders with these vendors at the trade show. But I know a lot of conventions that will give you a list of vendors exhibiting at their convention, so he could have easily requested that list and not have gone, or said he had the stomach flu, etc. Regardless if he paid $1,000 to attend the convention (hotel, registration fee, flight, etc). If he wanted to fix our marriage, especially when I only found out about his affair 3 weeks ago, he shouldn't have gone, no excuse! This is way to early for him to test my trust in him, too early! He broke an agreed set rule that we had discussed 2 weeks ago - with him to never step into that city ever again, and it just shows that he is not willing to do everything he can to build my trust back into him, especially if he gives lame excuses to go back to the city where he had the 1+ year long affair.
Snowflower Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Today, I find out that he flew and went to the convention, he is at the hotel in that "city" and he told me that he had no choice and that the registration was $1000 on his name and he couldn't send anyone else and if people asked why he didn't go he wouldn't know what to tell them (right now we haven't told any extended family, friends, coworkers, etc about his affair-. Only our parents and siblings know). He said he had no choice and had to go because the company he went for needs to place orders and find companies at the trade show for supplies. He said next time he will send someone else or I can go with him, as there is another one in October, But our agreement was to never visit that "city" ever again! So he basically is saying $1000, his self image, and work is more important than me, fixing our marriage, and helping me to trust him again. There were many excuses he could have given to NOT go. He again had a CHOICE. I think this answers my questions and make the decision easier for me to decide what to do, does it not? His actions today is a deal breaker - isn't it? re: the bolded... Yeah right, he couldn't NOT go because he couldn't think of a reason to tell people why he wasn't going? I'm sure he could have thought of something! After all, he is an accomplished liar and manipulator if he was able to cheat in his marriage. What was wrong with the ambiguous "family emergency" excuse to get out of the convention? Sure, he didn't have to tell everyone the real reason why he couldn't go..."I had an affair and my wife doesn't want me to go to that city..." The "family emergency" excuse would cover it just fine, with no explanations. If I were you, I would have my answer about the future of my marriage. But again, only you can make this decision. Edited May 14, 2012 by Snowflower
tojaz Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I may be of the unpopular opinion here, but I would take a cautious wait and see approach. Your on to him and how he has worked in the past now, you know what to look for. I would give him an opportunity to explain the reasons behind his decision (even if for nothing else then morbid curiosity). I would also take the opportunity to explain to him how you would have liked for him to have responded. Did he forget? Maybe, when my wife was leaving I would have to remind myself to breathe, let alone remember a conference. You will know when you face him with it, whether he is being genuine or not, but his deciding to go is disrespectful, legitimate or not. The part that slows me down a bit is his suggesting you join him next time with him knowing full well that there is a next time in a few months. Thats a huge risk for him if hes not trying to play it straight. BS and OW in the same city? Decision is yours obviously, but being a betrayed spouse myself and in a similar situation, I chose to let her hang herself rather then me doing it for her.... and she did. TOJAZ
Author Confused008 Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 I understand your view Tojaz, thanks for the different perspective, which got me thinking differently. He has taken pictures of where he has been and sent me all texts of images yesterday and this morning so far. Him at the restaurant, him at the conference, etc. We will see how long that lasts since he his over there till Thursday night. I did explain to him that it made us go backwards by his decision in going to the conference and it was disrespectful to me. And he apologized, but said again that money was an issue and it was too expensive to not go. He told me he was staying the whole week, but I asked him why if it's hurting me so much that you are there, why can't he just go for the main things and leave? His excuse again was the cost to change the air ticket to come back early. But he did it anyway and told me it cost him $216 to change his air ticket. Then this morning he texts me telling me he has to rent a car because taxi was costing $20 each way to and from the hotel to the conference everyday. Why does he have to point out the costs to me and make it like an excuse? I don't know what he's trying to say, think, or do. Seems like he makes a decision, acts upon it, but then apologizes for it afterwards, I would rather him think before he acts. I also had a phone consultation with a therapist yesterday, not sure if I need one, as I feel like they just keep asking questions and it doesn't get anywhere. She also interrupted me a few times and automatically said I should come in and make an appointment. I felt like she was rushing the call. Did therapy help any of you?
Yasuandio Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Him sending photos in restaurant, etc., as an alibiof what he's doing really make me believe he's up to something NO GOOD, right at this moment. Here's some cheaper therapy for you. Get a wig, and book a ticket to this city immediately - no matter how much it costs. Or, hire a PI for one day, it might be $1000. Shop around. It's an easy assignment for only ONE detective. There is no car following. Do it. I wish I had ten years sooner. It's admissible in Court too. Good luck, C
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