nanbullen Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I am so sick of feeling this way. I think I feel better one day and the next day I feel bad again. It seems like I just find more ways to feel bad. I know I need to stay busy and stop thinking about him. But, I can’t force myself to do anything. Even things I used to enjoy, now remind me of him and trigger memories, which sucks. When I do manage to go see friends or whatever I don’t enjoy it AT ALL, which makes me feel even worse because I feel like I’m all by myself even when people are around. I just want to feel a little bit better, I realize this takes time, but my god, I feel like I’m getting worse instead of better. Maybe because, before I still held out some hope and now I don’t, I don’t know. I want to stop thinking about him but I can’t. One minute, I love him so much I don’t know how I’ll ever possibly be happy without him and I feel like my heart is being ripped apart and I can’t stand it. The next minute I think how much he must have hated me all along to be able to hurt me like this, and I am so furious that I wish I had opportunity to kill him…but I can’t do anything to hurt him and it feels like my heart is rotting because I hate him so much. It’s not fair that everything is his fault and he still gets to be happy and I get to be miserable. It’s like he found me on purpose just so he could make my life miserable, and why does he get to get away with it? I was perfectly happy before he came back. I have tried everything under the sun, self-help books, antidepressants, meditation, you name it I’ve tried it. I’m getting my health insurance reinstated, but doubt they will cover therapy cause of preexisting conditions. The only time I’m not feeling like crap is when I’m sleeping and I can’t wait for 9pm to roll around when I can finally take my meds and feel out of it and go to sleep (btw I’m not taking anything habit forming, and everything’s prescribed, just happens sedation is a major side effect). I just want to ESCAPE feeling like this. I’m depressed and I’m scared I will stay this way forever. It seems I’ve gone thru all the stages of grief and the one underlying emotion that never goes away is sadness. Then I read posts here by people who are still feeling bad 6 months, 1 year later and I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to feel like this a year from now unless something drastic happens. Before all this reconciliation/breakup with my ex happened, I was kind of, sort of possibly, maybe thinking of getting back together with my ex-husband. I know, I know. But now when I think about it, I just feel so sad, I don’t think I can do it. On the other hand, is it better to be alone thinking about how lonely I am? At this point I am willing to try anything. Now I have to pull myself together before my dtr gets out of school, it’s getting hard to pretend I’m happy when I can hardly remember how it feels. Thanks for letting me vent LS! 1
Grizzkid Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I already posted this somewhere else but I think it could really help. I'd just listen to the whole thing if i were you and see if this could work for you. A couple minutes in it gets good though.
Author nanbullen Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I already posted this somewhere else but I think it could really help. I'd just listen to the whole thing if i were you and see if this could work for you. A couple minutes in it gets good though. Thanks! I know, fake it till you make it. Normally I go to the gym almost every day. I love it. Or i used to,I haven't gone in probably 4-5 days. But, I listened to that youtube clip and i'm going to try to drag myself to the gym tonight.
Grizzkid Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 That's good! Push yourself to get up and go everyday and just find ways to better yourself because nobody wants someone who feels down and lethargic all the time. Guys don't want to be with someone who wants them, if that makes any sense haha. Imo, I'd sooner take an ex back if I see them happier off without me than one who is miserable, depressed and texting me looking to get back. Also I found what helped me alot was writing down all of the things that I couldn't stand about my ex and whenever I would think about something good I would look at my mile long list and think "Oh yea, that's not worth it". Eventually, you'll just start thinking about the bad things and you'll actually want to stay away from them. Basically, just gotta stop thinking he's the "one" and making him out to be perfect when you know thats not true. And one more thing. You have to dump everything that reminds you of him if you haven't already. Dump the pictures out of your phone, his number, delete him off fb, throw away the stuffed animals and cards. Just get rid of all of the memories and you'll find that life we'll feel so much better. You'll be good in no time, Hope that helps chica haha 1
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Nan, right now I im on a sleep deprivation kick. Honestly, some days I think I have conquered it, and others, I feel as it what is the point of even trying any more. I don't really 'try' per se, I just keep on going. I had some fun tonight with friends and it really is like a sudden cold that just creeps up, then I feel down again, but it get's less and less. I do keep reminding myself however, that she is never going to come back, no matter how much I wish and pray, ever, and that helps me to live with the reality of that a little more each day. I do stress, a little.
Author nanbullen Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 That's good! Push yourself to get up and go everyday and just find ways to better yourself because nobody wants someone who feels down and lethargic all the time. Guys don't want to be with someone who wants them, if that makes any sense haha. Imo, I'd sooner take an ex back if I see them happier off without me than one who is miserable, depressed and texting me looking to get back. Also I found what helped me alot was writing down all of the things that I couldn't stand about my ex and whenever I would think about something good I would look at my mile long list and think "Oh yea, that's not worth it". Eventually, you'll just start thinking about the bad things and you'll actually want to stay away from them. Basically, just gotta stop thinking he's the "one" and making him out to be perfect when you know thats not true. And one more thing. You have to dump everything that reminds you of him if you haven't already. Dump the pictures out of your phone, his number, delete him off fb, throw away the stuffed animals and cards. Just get rid of all of the memories and you'll find that life we'll feel so much better. You'll be good in no time, Hope that helps chica haha He lives too far away to know if i'm lethargic or what i'm doing or how I look. Besides, I don't text him anymore either. I deleted all his contact info, fb, etc. I got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of him. Videos, cd's, video games, pictures of him, pictures of me that i sent him, i'm talking EVERYTHING. If i could move to a different house and get all new furniture, i'd do it too. What I really need is some way to wipe my memories like in a movie lol. I appreciate your advice...I did go to the gym yesterday, all because of that youtube video
olivec Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 He lives too far away to know if i'm lethargic or what i'm doing or how I look. Besides, I don't text him anymore either. I deleted all his contact info, fb, etc. I got rid of everything that could possibly remind me of him. Videos, cd's, video games, pictures of him, pictures of me that i sent him, i'm talking EVERYTHING. If i could move to a different house and get all new furniture, i'd do it too. What I really need is some way to wipe my memories like in a movie lol. I appreciate your advice...I did go to the gym yesterday, all because of that youtube video You just gotta focus on yourself now and let him go. That emotional pain is really the last thing and is the most hardest trust me I know. however it will get better soo long as you continue to look forward and not dwell on the past. You unfortunately cannot change it and its best for you to look to the future. You'll be fine
Author nanbullen Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Nan, right now I im on a sleep deprivation kick. Honestly, some days I think I have conquered it, and others, I feel as it what is the point of even trying any more. I don't really 'try' per se, I just keep on going. I had some fun tonight with friends and it really is like a sudden cold that just creeps up, then I feel down again, but it get's less and less. I do keep reminding myself however, that she is never going to come back, no matter how much I wish and pray, ever, and that helps me to live with the reality of that a little more each day. I do stress, a little. Yeah, at first I was staying up almost all night because I dreaded mornings so much, when everything would hit me all at once. I keep on going too, i mean, i go to work, shopping etc. I go out with my friends and i'm good at acting like i'm having fun....but on the inside I don't feel it at all. I know I can't stay home and wallow in my misery though. Sometimes I think reading all these break-up stories is preventing me from really moving past all this. But on the other hand, they make me feel better. I know I'll get better, but I don't think I'll ever be back to my old self.
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