Manhattan Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hi everybody, this is my first ever time on this type of site / forum, however I am looking for advice re my current position. I am a 36yr old male who fell in love and married the woman of his dreams 6yrs ago, she is 43 now and still looks sensational. We have 2 fabulous kids aged 4 and 5 and appear to have a good relationship apart from the physical side. My wife has always found it hard to commit as she felt that the grass is always greener and she may be missing out on something. However she says that she loved me and wanted to be married to me forever. We had a fabulous wedding and a great time together, our first child was born and my wife quickly became pregnant with our 2nd child. The first pregnancy was not long after we suffered a miscarriage prior to our wedding. So all in all it has been a lot to deal with. Not only that my business has suffered in the recession, meaning that we have had to cut back and acquire some debts in order to keep our heads above water. Financially we are now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but she has asked me for a separation. Her reason for this is that she feels she is missing out on something, she says that she still loves me, but does not want a physical relationship with me. I am not a bad looking bloke and am very sincere and considerate. I would much rather be giving than receiving and I have not applied any pressure on her to be physical. I am constantly rejected when trying to be close, and if I book a romantic weekend away, meal, buy sexy undies, flowers, send letters and love notes etc they are all met with the same answer no, and put in the bin. I love romance and I give 100% in a relationship, I love spoiling when possible and I also leave a little bit for her to chase. For some reason this is not enough and I am confused and totally heart broken that she is willing to jeopardise our marriage and families future for the fact that their may be something better out there. Also, some other points to mention are that my wife suffers from depression and is on medication for this, and had post natal depression after our 2nd child was born, she has had affairs and I actually found her in a hotel room recently waiting to meet her lover, he wasn't there and she gave me promises that it was a first meeting in private and that they had only kissed once before, the person she was meeting was 21yrs old and I am not sure if she told me the whole truth. We talked openly after this and I lay my cards down on the table, and so did she. She says that she loved me and would give 100% to our marriage working. I worked hard to supporting her whilst she looked for new employment, assisted her when she wanted to go out with her girlfriends and I was happy to stay at home and look after our children. I asked her out for dates and the effort made by her was minimal or none at all. I had worked on a really romantic date for weeks and had it all planned, I would send her texts throughout the week, giving her little suggestions as to our Friday evening, I bought her a day at the hair and beauty salon, so that she would feel good when going out with me and I would be on cloud 9 as she is my wife and totally gorgeous. Then, when I arrived home from work, I was met with her asleep on the sofa, she had not had her hair done and had just cancelled the appointment, she then asked to cancel the evening as she didn't feel like it. I was totally gutted, I cancelled the restaurant and the driver for the night and we sat at home with a pizza watching TV. The next day was a meeting with her girlfriends and she was well up for that, she got ready and looked great, she said sorry for last night and then went out for the afternoon / evening and returned home drunk in the early hours. Since then I have tried to make things work and swallow my pride and hurt, but the knock backs just keep coming. two weeks ago she lead me on and then pushed me away, followed by the immediate discussion of "we need to talk". She asked for a separation and I was totally devastated. She says that she has been thinking about it for some time and that it is not me, but her, she feels that she is missing out on something. She was missing out so much, that on the day she split up with me, she went out with her girlfriends (for what she said would be a few hours), I took our children out and the next I heard from her was at 8.30 the following morning when she finally answered her mobile when in the taxi home - she was still drunk. I quickly put her to bed and took the children out for the day so that she can recover and the children do not witness her in that state. She has apologised, and said that it will not happen again. But my fear is that if the children are staying with her and i'm not there to assist and protect, what wil they witness? The final straw has recently surfaced, my wife is addicted to Facebook and her iphone. Whilst on one of her Facebook apps, a bloke from Canada made contact saying that she looked nice, my wife replied and they now have a full on textual / Skype affair going on behind my back. My wife thinks that I do not know about this, but it isn't difficult to see as her mobile never leaves her side, she is awake most of the night texting him when lying next to me in bed, and the history on the computer is very clear about her activities. He is much younger then her at 27 and she has already booked a flight to see him for a week in a few months time (after 3 weeks texting eachother), without asking me if I have anything planned so that I can look after the children etc... I know that she is of the age of a mid life crisis etc, but she has said that she likes the chase, I have chased her and made that much effort with near 0% return, and whilst she asked for a split, she said that if we didn't she would have affairs. I just don't get it!! Last night she went to bed early whilst i did some work and I could clearly hear her on the mobile having phone sex with her fantasy in Canada, as our children are in the next bedroom, I was very conscious on them being woken to her groans. I thought about going up and interrupting the moment, but as we have split up, I didn't feel that it was my place to do so. I strongly believe in marriage and family. I married my wife for life and I still love her beyond words, I fancy her like mad and would do anything for my marriage to work as long as the respect for each other was there. Since the split a few weeks ago we have not told family etc as our children and family has lots of birthdays until next week, meaning that we have had to be strong and not allow our issues upset birthdays etc. My wife has been lovely since and wants to be best friends, go on holiday together as a family, go out on Sundays as family days, spend Christmas and birthdays together etc. As you can imagine I am totally shattered and confused as she says that she loves spending time with me, but wants to live apart so that she can have her own fun on the side. I am at a total loss, I have supported her through her depression, post natal depression, going out and financially. Yet i keep getting a mighty kick between the legs when I want more. If any of you can provide some advise on what could be a good way forward for us all, so that the children are protected as much as possible and we can all be happy that would be great. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you in advance for your input.
geegirl Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I know that she is of the age of a mid life crisis etc, but she has said that she likes the chase, I have chased her and made that much effort with near 0% return, and whilst she asked for a split, she said that if we didn't she would have affairs. I just don't get it!! She likes the chase but she doesn't want to be chased by you. If she wanted to be chased by you, she wouldn't ask for a split. She wants to be adored by other men. She doesn't find that pleasure in you anymore. Understand that. Mid life crisis or not, she doesn't sound like a responsible and grounded wife or mother. This is not about you anymore. It sounds like she has checked out of your marriage. I don't understand what it is you are not getting. It's pretty simple. She wants to split to be able to have the freedom to be with others because she does not want to be attached to a marriage or have the responsibility of being a wife. If my husband said he would have affairs if we didn't split, I'd be dragging his a** to the lawyers office and booting him out of my life. It sickens me that you accept such horrible behavior. I strongly believe in marriage and family. I married my wife for life and I still love her beyond words, I fancy her like mad and would do anything for my marriage to work as long as the respect for each other was there. If you strongly believe in marriage then you need to be with a partner that has the same values as you do. When you have a set of values that contrast with someone else, your beliefs and values bear no meaning to either you or your partner. So, your choices are to either realize that you cannot squeeze blood from stone and accept the reality that your marriage is not what you hoped it would be and end it or accept being disrespected and treated poorly and let her hold the reins. "As long as the respect is there for each other." But it isn't there, is it? Now what? What's your next step? I am at a total loss, I have supported her through her depression, post natal depression, going out and financially. Yet i keep getting a mighty kick between the legs when I want more. Seems like you like the mighty kicks between your legs. I've said this before. Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. And if you've been kicked in between the legs more times than you care to count, then all you'll ever get is the same. So either you say no more kicks or you get kicked. It was your choice to support her so you can't throw that back in her face. Tit for tat. You made a sacrifice and you got nothing back. Unfortunately, some people don't reciprocate because they don't care. They take but they don't give. Next time, choose how you give and to whom you give. You married her even when she was honest about not being able to commit to anyone. With that comes risk and you took that risk and now you have to suffer the reality of her. If any of you can provide some advise on what could be a good way forward for us all, so that the children are protected as much as possible and we can all be happy that would be great. I strongly believe that children thrive better in an environment with parents that are happily apart rather than parents that are dysfunctionally together. And while she says she loves spending time with you, yes of course she does. She still is attached to the comfort of you, knowing she has someone to lean on while she still has the freedom to engage with other men. Does that spell love and commitment to you? Nope. Sounds disgusting and utterly selfish to me. If I knew my husband was having dirty talk in another room with a female, he'd be out on the street with a bag and his balls in his hands. Stop being a doormat. You're idealizing her and romanticizing the situation when you should be angry and humiliated by her treatment of you. You're a man. Stand up to her and make your choices and what you believe is healthy for you and your children. Take back your power. Right now you're sitting around waiting for her to dish out the orders.
fetish1980 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 She obviously doesn't want to be married. No use in trying to force it. There is no way i would stand for any of this, i don't care how hot she is! The moment someone feels that they want to throw me away for whatever's out there, they're gone and they stay gone. I'm not one to tell you how to live and live your marriage, but can you honestly say that you're happy being treated like this? Like a toy in someone's closet shelf? Only to use you at their convienience but once they need you out of their way, they throw you back to the shelf? That's not love bro! Sorry. fetish
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Honestly man, breaks, separations, all that s**t is for the bears. There are so many people on this planet that only have one day left to live. We live such a short life as per our existence it is just too much horsesh*t to put up with being f***ed around. If you can be ok with being without someone willingly, that is not someone that you love with all your heart. You love someone with every fiber of your being or not at all. If you can settle for part of her heart, more power to you.
leoc1973 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Wow man you sound like a good guy. I know ya never hear the other side of the story but in this case it doesn't matter. This woman is just bad! I would say run away and don't ever look back but I know that you are not going to. So here's what you do. She loves to chase so give it to her! You are split and you say your not a bad looking guy so go start dating! I am your age and I know that we have needs. Go find yourself a girlfriend and I can almost guarantee that she will come running back to you! just from what you have said about this woman, she wants what she can't have so make her think that she can't have you! Just don't hurt anyone else in the process. There are plenty of women looking for nothing serious so go out and have yourself a good time! And tell her about it too! Again though this is horrible advice because you really should just be running away but we all know that is just not something you are going to do. Good luck man! It must suck for you.
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