joopjoop90 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I'm 24m, my ex-gf is 22, we dated for 6 months. I'm trying to make sense of the relationship so I can learn from it, but its very difficult. My girlfriend came over a few weekends ago and broke up with me because she felt we were "too different" and that she didn't like the way she was talking to me and "resented me". She said I was a great guy and awesome boyfriend, but obviously there may be other reasons for why she broke up with me. I agreed and we parted ways amicably. She came back 3 days later and she tried to mend it, but I stood my ground and she got upset, and we ended things worse than before (against my wishes). Read the original post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/323619-i-dont-understand-our-breakup It was my first serious relationship, and I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt, even though my initial intuitions were a little worrisome. I think I was sweet to her, but I found her to be controlling, even with her friends. She could be very sweet and would get me gifts, and often was patient with my shortcomings, but other times she would be in a really bad mood, and would be rude to me, most annoyingly in public. She sometimes tried to censor me when I talked, which was annoying, but I never stood up for myself. My family said she was "not warm" and "intimidating" but I still really liked her, and I believe her friends and family really liked me. I felt like we weren't a "team" in front of other people, we didn't play off of each other, but rather I would have to stand guard against her sometimes. I told her this when we tried to reconcile, but she thought perhaps this was because of my own insecurities, moods, etc, which has some validity. In the end, I feel like I need to make sense of this, and try to learn from the experience, but its confusing to me to think about whether my intuition was correct about her, or whether I acted incorrectly. I need to learn from this, but its proving tough. Any advice?
Philosoraptor Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Her reasons are her reasons. She may have oversimplified things but in the end she didn't want to be with you. Learn to trust your people picker and find someone you are more compatible with.
MissBrunette84 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I think only time will tell, if it hasn't been very long its hard to take a step back and be like well ' I think I know what it was' because your feelings are still involved. I think just don't think too much for a little while and just try to concentrate on feeling better, then maybe take a look back in a few weeks. Writing things down can help too?
Author joopjoop90 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 The error on my part is that yes I avoided conflict for some time, and didn't communicate my concerns. I'm not entirely sure that were I to raise a concern, she would take it well. She's got a very "strong personality" and I've tried to push back a few times but she didn't like it. Its the biggest conflict for me, to understand whether I was too quiet, or whether is just too pushy and bossy to begin with.
mattr89 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Your ex seems to have many similar qualities that mine did. My family always told me she came off demanding and high maintenance. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you said "I've tried to push back a few times but she didn't like it." Im guessing you felt like you were walking on glass often. Not knowing whether to speak up and upset her or just go along with it so not to cause conflict. Now really think about that... Do you honestly want to be in a relationship that you cant voice your concerns without her just turning it around on you. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt treat you with respect. You know the answer to that. Stop asking yourself whether you should have done this or that. Fact is, she isnt the girl you are looking for. I can tell you first hand my ex was like this and i asked myself the same questions, often went along with things just to avoid confrontation. But i realized thats not a healthy relationship and she wasnt right for me. Hope you will have the same realization. Good luck
wilsonx Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 The error on my part is that yes I avoided conflict for some time, and didn't communicate my concerns. I'm not entirely sure that were I to raise a concern, she would take it well. She's got a very "strong personality" and I've tried to push back a few times but she didn't like it. Its the biggest conflict for me, to understand whether I was too quiet, or whether is just too pushy and bossy to begin with. Always push back and stand up for yourself. If she leaves you for standing up for yourself then its her problem not yours If she leaves you because she walked all over you, its yours.
Author joopjoop90 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Your ex seems to have many similar qualities that mine did. My family always told me she came off demanding and high maintenance. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you said "I've tried to push back a few times but she didn't like it." Im guessing you felt like you were walking on glass often. Not knowing whether to speak up and upset her or just go along with it so not to cause conflict. Now really think about that... Do you honestly want to be in a relationship that you cant voice your concerns without her just turning it around on you. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt treat you with respect. You know the answer to that. Stop asking yourself whether you should have done this or that. Fact is, she isnt the girl you are looking for. I can tell you first hand my ex was like this and i asked myself the same questions, often went along with things just to avoid confrontation. But i realized thats not a healthy relationship and she wasnt right for me. Hope you will have the same realization. Good luck Good lord man, this is exactly what I've experienced. Bless your heart!
Author joopjoop90 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) Always push back and stand up for yourself. If she leaves you for standing up for yourself then its her problem not yours If she leaves you because she walked all over you, its yours. In the end, she came back 3 days after breaking up with me, and that's when I stood up for myself and explained how I felt I had been treated. She left the reconciliation attempt feeling pretty sour, and I felt a little pressured and gave her some mixed signals about getting back together. She gave me some feedback on my concerns, and told me some things that I could have improved upon as well. She gave me some feedback on that sometimes I shut down when I'm upset, that sometimes my feelings may have not made sense, etc. Perhaps she was right. The next day I hadn't yet called her, and got a text saying that she felt she had been dropped. I called immediately. She yelled at me for "sh*tting on her". I explained that I was trying to get my concerns out, and she said that she would try and work on them. I do suppose I let a lot out, but I had to get it out and be honest. In the end, I suggested we take it slow and get lunch the coming weekend, but she said "no way I'm throwing away the previous 6 months". She felt bad that I hadn't called her as soon as I had promised the earlier day, and implied that I wasn't the only one going through the breakup, and to consider her feelings as well. I said "let's not end this badly" and she said "too bad" and hung up. Confusing way of ending things Edited May 8, 2012 by joopjoop90
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