3 year relationship, perfectly great but i'm having doubts. any greatly apprcted

[jimmytoo]

Sorry for length of this...I’ve just registered with this site, very interesting threads but unfortunately none specific to my problem so I’m hoping people can share their views…

I’m 23 and my gf is 21, we’ve been together for 3 years now. It’s been a long term thing, she’s been at uni and I’ve been working but we’ve made it work and she’s now in her final year at uni with 2 weeks to go…

 

We planned to go travelling when she finishes uni in feb next year but I’ve been having doubts whether we should go together and whether I actually want to commit to this relationship right now.

 

She is perfect for me and apparently I am for her and our relationship is faultless to the point that I can see marriage with her in years to come. There are no faults whatsoever with us, which is making this so hard.

She is set for a bad grade but she doesn’t care because she’s got me… I have, over past 2/3 not been giving much to the relationship, I haven’t become bored with her, just very busy in my work life and finding it hard to show as much interest as before.

We are meant to go travelling with each other next year but in reality I’d rather go by myself – not to play around just to be a bit free and deal with my own emotions. We agreed to travel for 6 months and she’d come back to further her education and I’d continue to travel for 3 months so we have compromised. I told her how I feel (bar travelling by myself) just how about I’m not feeling like I want to commit right now. She’s very upset and so am I. I guess my predicament is that I want to go travelling by myself and I don’t feel the need for a relationship right now because I tend to be really busy in my own life.

 

But, I feel if I break up with her I would genuinely loose someone unbelievably special to me and someone who I love so bloody much that I’d want to marry her in years to come. She will be very upset and I’ll mess up our travelling plans, she’ll be left with bad grades and I feel like I’ve messed her around.

I guess we’re perfect for each other but we are still so young and I don’t feel like the timing is right for me. That said, she has compromised on the travelling and will let me go alone for 3 months.

 

I don’t know whether to leave her in the mess that I’ve mentioned to be selfish and travel alone as I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone as special as her. Or I can put effort in the relationship and continue with the travelling plans and go alone when she needs to come back.

 

The ball is well and truly in my court and she’s asked me to make a decision now. She honestly trusted we’d share experiences together for years to come. I don’t want to tell her I’ll commit then fail her in months to come. I’m just a tad bored, or am I just being selfish. I don’t know. any help would be greatly appreciated. I’m well and truly stuck in a rut.

Thanks in advance,

[Philosoraptor]

No one leaves something that they truly believe is perfect, no one. You pointed out multiple issues and you need to make a choice of whether or not to continue to work on those issues or to cut ties. It seems like part of you wants her to hold on while you figure out if something else is better, which is the only selfish thing you said. If you want to make a choice then make it, but you have to be willing to live with it.

 

So do you want to sleep with other people? Do you already have someone in mind?

[Atlantico]

I can see it coming: when you leave your gf, and she meets another person you will regret no end, then you will try to reverse things, then you both can´t fix it because trust issues have set...dejá vue...

[jimmytoo]

i've had 3 relationships in the past but none ever as good as this, hence why i'm completely baffled. i guess you're right, no one leaves something which is perfect. my only concern is that im young and i guess i miss being independent. i'm not one to share my feelings (more recently) to the nth degree and do small talk in relationships. she is and i find it tough to care about her mate who's having difficulty with whatever it is, or what she's tweeted on twitter today. stuff like that. i love her, but not for all that silly things in between but when i don't respond to the small things she gets really annoyed. it's things like that driving me away and i do feel like i need a slight breather.

 

i'm not motivated by meeting other girls but hey i'm sure it would be nice.

 

i wouldn't mind being single and i'd love to go travelling by my self

 

by doing so, i will loose someone perfect (apart from minor silly issues but they still annoy me)

 

she will be really upset, she's has put everything on us, saying she doesn't care about grades because of us etc.

 

we planned to go travelling together and i'll feel like a prat if i leave her in this position

 

we can go travelling together and she'll give me some independance by travelling by myself for 3 months

 

i dont know what i'm to do. its so bloody difficult. i'm not a 'lad' and i'm not going to act like an unreasonable person but i feel i will be if i leave her. i just feel like i need some time out... but i dont want to leave her and be scared i wont find anyone like her again... ah man this is horrible.

 

thank you for responding...

[Philosoraptor]

Fear is a terrible motivator. If you're unhappy enough to consider leaving then you either need to fix the issues or leave. The middle ground is only extended pain.

 

If you knew that there were better matches for you out there would you hesitate to leave? But staying with someone out of fear that you won't find better is not treating either of you well.

[jimmytoo]

You’re right. I think my main concern is that we made all these plans and she’s so committed to the relationship whereas I’ve suddenly become a tad bored of routine and I’ve realised I’d rather travel by myself.

 

If I put myself in her shoes, I’d think what an absolute complete b*sta*d, we’ve made all these plans, I’m going to get a bad grade in uni and you’re going to leave me to fulfil your own travelling dreams. 3 years of hard work and this happens?

 

I’m scared she will hate me forever after all the good times we’ve had. The relationship is great. It truly is. But I feel we’re too young. If only I said this to her last year, I wouldn’t feel as bad.

 

I really do feel awful and she will end up resenting me. I know it.

 

I could just sacrifice my selfishness and travel with her and go 3 months alone like we planned and try to make it work. But if I feel like this now, it could become a real issue in months to come. Sooner the better and all that… thanks mr philosraptor

[Philosoraptor]

You’re right. I think my main concern is that we made all these plans and she’s so committed to the relationship whereas I’ve suddenly become a tad bored of routine and I’ve realised I’d rather travel by myself.

All you can do in life is stay true to yourself. If you want to do something then do it.

 

If I put myself in her shoes, I’d think what an absolute complete b*sta*d, we’ve made all these plans, I’m going to get a bad grade in uni and you’re going to leave me to fulfil your own travelling dreams. 3 years of hard work and this happens?

 

I’m scared she will hate me forever after all the good times we’ve had. The relationship is great. It truly is. But I feel we’re too young. If only I said this to her last year, I wouldn’t feel as bad.

 

I really do feel awful and she will end up resenting me. I know it.

Being unhappy will be her choice if she makes it. You can't control her feelings nor can you let her choices after a breakup change your decision. She may be angry at the start but as she matures from this she will realize you did what was best for her as well, which was to end it rather than to string it along and stop her from moving on with her life.

 

I could just sacrifice my selfishness and travel with her and go 3 months alone like we planned and try to make it work. But if I feel like this now, it could become a real issue in months to come. Sooner the better and all that… thanks mr philosraptor

What selfishness? It's not selfish to make your own choices and stick to them. It would be selfish to string her along or not be true to yourself so that she wouldn't feel negative towards you. You're not feeling it right now and you've already made up your mind, but you're trying to convince yourself not to do something you've made clear that you want to do. Just be true to yourself and be willing to accept whatever happens afterwards.

 

Staying might seem easier now but you've already said that you feel that it will be the harder choice in the long run. The easy path always tempts us to go against our own morals and wishes.

[jimmytoo]

blimey. that's really great advice. thank you for spending the time reading and responding, it means a lot...

 

i think i have to be cruel (in the short term) to be kind, otherwise i will aggravate the situation and make things worse. i love her so bloody much but i've lost that crucial spark to make things work.

 

i think i know what's best, as much as it will hurt. you only get one shot at life...

 

thank you for your help. i really, really appreciate it. best wishes, jimmy

[Philosoraptor]

blimey. that's really great advice. thank you for spending the time reading and responding, it means a lot...

 

i think i have to be cruel (in the short term) to be kind, otherwise i will aggravate the situation and make things worse. i love her so bloody much but i've lost that crucial spark to make things work.

You needn't be cruel, just true to yourself. You can end things and be nice about it. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, but don't cause any more pain than necessary. It's only cruel if you are trying to hurt someone. If you've made a choice you need to stick with it.

 

i think i know what's best, as much as it will hurt. you only get one shot at life...

 

thank you for your help. i really, really appreciate it. best wishes, jimmy

Very true. You must always take care of yourself first as life is too short to be unhappy. While it will hurt for awhile, things will get better if you give it time.