stillwater Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Since the end of my A with MW, I've been doing some thinking. Part of me wishes I had been strong enough to end things months ago when things were going great, and just say "I'm not doing this anymore, I need all of you or nothing". I tried, but I was never able to follow through, maybe because things were going so well that I didn't feel I could turn my back on it. I went through a lot of hurt between then and now because of it. But since then I've learned so much more, some of it about her, some of it about A's in general and how not "special" this one was. None of it was very flattering. I started to see all the red flags for what they were: not a list of things that would disappear with the right guy, but signs that I should have run as fast as I could. (Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of flaws too, I don't think I'm perfect). Basically, I think I'm in a much better place having learned that stuff. Had I gone NC 6 months ago, maybe I would be wondering about this person the rest of my life, thinking she was the one that got away. But knowing what I do now, I think it's going to be much easier for me to move on. Sure, it caused me a lot of heartache to stay in the A that extra time, but looking back I don't regret it anymore. Thoughts?
TLY22 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I am the OW in an A t the moment, and I wish so much I could say, "I've had enough; I need all or nothing." But I'm so scared to lose him not only as someone I can connect with, but as the wonderful friend he is outside of the A. You've given me some inspiration and motivation to stop and realize I could be so much better out of this whacked relationship. I think you've done a great thing. You say you don't regret it? I don't regret this.. But I can't say how I'll feel in the month ahead where my heart is broken because I can never have all of him. Thoughts? 1
East7 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I realized I had to stop the A and move on about 9 months after it started and especially when xMW told me a cynical : But I never promised you anything..:mad: I realized that nothing was going to change and I was walking in a dead-end tunnel keeping some rays of hope. Too long, or long enough? Does it matter ? If I didn't even start the A, it would have been even better Some people are able to control their feelings more easily than others. Everyone has a different pace of processing it and getting out of an unhealthy situation.
TigerCub Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hmmm, that's a very interesting question.. My instinct is to say that I definitely stayed too long, by even being a part of an A to begin with. But...honestly, as terrible as my involvement was, I don't really have regrets because I learned so much about myself: I learned that I am certainly flawed and am capable of doing things I normally considered morally wrong. I learned that I do have a conscience and I felt bad when my actions didn't match what I knew was right. I learned that I will put my self worth, esteem, happiness first when it really comes down to it. I learned that i have some restraint (not sleeping with xMM, AND deleting him when he tried to break NC) I learned that OW aren't women that go out trolling for married men to break up marriages (that's the stereotype that I always kinda hand in mind of OW), but in fairness, he wasn't with her when we met, he lied a lot, and by the time they were together we had a relationship and I felt love and it was a very painful time in my life - I was NOTHIN like the stereotypical vixen that is portrayed on tv/movies/stories - and from reading on this forum it seems like a lot of other people were kind of in the same boat. I learned so much, and maybe at times I feel like I stayed too long - but on the other hand, it is what it is, and if it took me almost 1 year to learn all those things then maybe it was just long enough. 3
wellwhynot Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I'm happy with my MM, so at this time I haven't stayed too long. I hope that if a time comes where I'm not happy that I would decide to make a change that would be more beneficial to me.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) I realized I had to leave when my heart and my head started to be in major conflict. And then he dropped off the face of the earth for awhile after contacting me to set up a meet. I felt like I was left holding the bag, like I was disposable. I think it was only then that I realized I was always going to be a low(er) priority for him. I ended it but went back and went through the whole thing again with the same result... as I've read somewhere around here: the definition of insanity is repeating the same pattern expecting different results! Even though I tried to detach emotionally and just enjoy the time we could spend together, I just got drawn in more emotionally. So now I'll heed the lesson, stay NC and focus on an xMM-free future. I stayed long enough to learn how be able to pull away. Edited May 8, 2012 by PeineDeCoeur typo
skylarblue Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I don’t know the answer for me. On one hand, I think I stayed too long. Had I gotten out earlier, I could have saved myself a lot of anguish. I would have saved two lives by not creating them. I would’ve saved the BW the pain of dday and years of lies and suspicions. OTOH had I not stayed too long, I would have been the same person. Eventually, I would have targeted some other faithful MM, potentially destroying another woman. I would still hold harsh, negative views of BWs and blaming her for the A while seeing MM as the victims. I wouldn’t have gained respect in that I’m better than being some guy’s mistress. I wouldn’t have gained respect for the sanctity of another’s M. I feel the experience has made/is making me a better person, but I don’t know if it came at too high of a price.
Summer Breeze Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I'm happy with my MM, so at this time I haven't stayed too long. I hope that if a time comes where I'm not happy that I would decide to make a change that would be more beneficial to me. That is exactly what I did. I found a point in time where I found myself wanting more. I told him what it would take to keep me and he chose not to. I chose to leave because I was not about to let myself get lost for him, or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't easy but I think I left at just the right time. 1
MissBee Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I think most of us know the truth well before we take actions. Knowing something and then doing something differently are different. I think most people in bad relationships or relationships that need to end don't usually think it and do so immediately. Usually it drags on slowly or there is a back and forth of NC and speaking before it ends once and for all. In my A...I knew it couldn't go on forever but I'd try to "enjoy the moment". In the very beginning it was more pleasant, I didn't think too much about stuff and it was fine. As time went on though I had more discomfort, wanted more, got more frustrated with not having more, we argued more and I knew it had to end...I would try to "be friends" and back off of the romance but it would fall back into the same pattern (of course)...when it finally ended, upon him going NC, I felt like I should have ended it on my terms and stuck to it versus allowing him to do so and I did feel like it went on for too long at the time.
trinity1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 It sounds like you stayed for the exact right amount of time. 1
trinity1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I always stay just the right amount of time in every relationship. I stay because I want to stay, because what I am getting from the relationship is greater than the costs.
trinity1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 they believe in "one day" and will hang around waiting for that one day...even at the cost to themselves. Being in a relationship for something you hope will arrive in the future is never good. I can see how you can come to regret that. You should be in a relationship for what you have today, not for what you hope to have in the future. 1
trinity1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I always stay just the right amount of time in every relationship. I stay because I want to stay, because what I am getting from the relationship is greater than the costs. It's probably a matter of attitude. I don't do regret when it comes to long term relationships. ONS - sure. Long term - no.
Got it Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Since we are getting married I would say just long enough. 1
ChynaDoll Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Interesting thread. I'm 'seeing' a MM. We're 4 months in, things are going pretty good. I know I am riding a wave that will eventually come crashing down (meaning I know he will never leave his wife and I will have to break it off because of my emotions, or he will get busted by her and go NC to appease her. Lately I have been thinking about ending things now on my terms before I let him or his wife end things for me. Ending things before I get in too deep. Occasionally I will feel myself getting emotionally attached after having a fabulous weekend, then I have mini-wake-up-calls that remind me of the type of character and the magnitude of lies it takes for a married person to participate in a secret affair. Therefore, the following quote by MissBee hit the nail right on the head for me. I felt like I should have ended it on my terms and stuck to it versus allowing him to do so and I did feel like it went on for too long
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