jampot Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I'm trying to find a short way of saying this.. he broke up with me, said that he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone. Prior to us meeting, he would hook up with girls but not have anything serious with them. He had never considered marrying, having children, 'settling down' that kind of thing until we met. I was the first girl he had a serious relationship with and he spoilt me, nice surprises, really thoughtful and considerate. He seemed to be more into me than I was into him at times. We discussed marriage and our future together and looked at rings together. All was going smoothly (or so I thought) until he says to me 'I'm not sure I love you like that.. I love you like a sister and I feel like I want to care and protect you but I don't want to spend my life with them'. I said 'well you never probably really care about me anyway' and then he told me he'd bought a ring and I asked him to show me it (yes, probably not best idea in hindsight). So fast forward a few weeks (I have been interstate with leave I'd booked prior to this - I was meant to go to two weddings with him but he said no to me going). I went round there to drop off some food, he said he felt uncomfortable with that as we're not in a relationship anymore, I started off calm and collected, telling him that the time we spent apart help me to see things differently and how we could improve our relationship, he said he didn't miss me enough or think about me enough during that time and enjoyed not having to wait on people and do things when he wanted, went on about how we're too different, it was hard work pushing me to do things at times, how he doesn't want confrontation with people and if you're not in a relationship you can walk away from that, he wants to be a free spirit and just do what he wants. Basically he just wants sex with people but no emotional connection (this wasn't said outright but in the course of our discussion it was evident - that's a whole other post worth). I believe he thought he'd changed for some period of time when we were in the relationship but that it must've become too much for him. 'I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want and that's a relationship'. Sorry, this ended up longer than I thought. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. It's like a weight and I'm drowning. I'm just left going WTF and alternating between being upset and being angry. How can he go from one extreme to the other? Of course, my self esteem (the little bit I have) has taken a massive battering too. I just feel like complete, utter crap. I feel like I've lost my best friend, that person who I'd talk to about anything, just sit with and be. **sorry for the double post, i am new to this posting thing**
wilsonx Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Its terrible, Ive been in your shoes before, not fun at all. Hardest thing but the truth is it has no impact on you as a person. Its about him and something he needs to do. There is nothing you could have done to stop this from happening, just human nature taking its course 1
Chacha8 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Its terrible, Ive been in your shoes before, not fun at all. Hardest thing but the truth is it has no impact on you as a person. Its about him and something he needs to do. There is nothing you could have done to stop this from happening, just human nature taking its course Agree 100% with this
daisy088 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Im so sorry. The same thing happened with me and my ex a few weeks ago. He was my best friend, we lived together and were very much in love (similar to you; he seemed more in love with me if anything, and then very suddenly ended it a day after he told me he wanted to be with me forever). This kind of thing is so shocking and so heart breaking. Being rejected is such a blow to the ego, especially if you have abandonment issues already? You may want to think about that as I know its an issue for me. I hope that you can realize you are still a lovable and worthwhile person. If he does not see this, someone else eventually will. I know things will be okay for you. Start NC, delve into personal hobbies and projects (gardening, yoga, running, reading a NYT bestseller, crosswords, blogging, painting, whatever!), and focus on you. I bet he will have regrets down the road if you remove yourself now. Best of luck Hugs
jennisfora Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Jam, my ex did the same thing, i was thinking we would elope, and was even looking at rings the morning he suddenly did an about face and said that we would be better as friends and that he can't get married, and can't be in a relationship with me or anyone. he is still single as far as i know, and now is apparently, waiting on me to be ready to contact him again, which is a bit bizaree, i think he regrets it all ready. but has pride, and so does not want to reconcile yet. may not ever, i really dont know. but, we broke up in january, and it is now may. it is traumatic in that it wasn't expected, and yes, he seemed more into me as well, did the flowers, and buying me things. he bought me stuff the night before he dumped me, a blu ray, and some other things. i really had no clue. he also claimed it was something he had to do, that he lost himself in the relationship, that he was a fool, and maybe he isn't meant to be with anyone but is better alone. guess, i can relate to what you are going through. it does get easier. NC is the way to go. i told him i was going NC, and now he seems to be waiting for me to end it? so, yeah, heal yourself. focus on you. i got highlights put in my hair and am feeling really good, and know that he isn't the last man standing. i wouldnt suggest dating anytime soon, just remember you arent destined to be a crazy cat lady because a guy got scared and bailed. *hugs*
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 It's about HIM. The good thing is that he cut you loose rather than use you for his fun and games. He sounds like he hasn't quite grown up just yet and I am glad you dodged a bullet.
Author jampot Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Thanks for all your replies, it's definitely made me feel less alone.. I think that's the biggest thing is that I feel so lonely and that this part of me has just gone and trying to deal with that is really hard. I also guess part of me is still hanging on to the that maybe one day he'll realise and maybe he'll come back but I really need to cut that thought out and boy it's hard and hurts. jennisfora - you made me laugh with the crazy cat lady comment because I seriously thought yep, I'm going to become one and I don't even like cats that much! 1
jennisfora Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 im saved from that fate currently...my apartment has a no pets policy, lol you know what, he might try and come back, he might not. what sucks about other people, is we can't tell what they are thinking, or what they will do. so, try not to over analyze (easier said than done, i know) and try to focus on what you can control. it is hard, i am still working on it. *hugs*
stlangie Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'm going through the same thing right now. Last week, my fiance woke up and decided that he doesn't want to share his life with anyone. Up until that morning, things were perfect and he said every day how happy he was. The night before he bailed, he said I was his soul mate. So... know that you are not alone and that others are dealing with the same type of thing. I made my first post on here last night, and someone suggested reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love". Read the reviews on Amazon; I found that those women's experiences were eerily similar to mine. I've ordered the book and can't wait to start reading it so that I can try to wrap my head around what's happened. Hang in there... 1
Author jampot Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Stlangie - I really feel for you. It is such a crappy situation to be in. I will have to check out that book. Was doing okay but setback today.. He sent me an SMS asking if he couldn't come round this weekend and pick up his washing machine and offering to help me pick up a new one if I wanted. I knew it had to come sometime and that's okay but the fact that he didn't even ask how I was or anything, that really hurt. I haven't replied yet. I just don't know what to say. Obviously it's his and he can have it but do I ask for my stuff back? Do I say I'm not available? Man this stuff sucks
stlangie Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I've finished the book and DEFINITELY recommend it. I'm still full of mixed emotions, but things don't seem quite as hazy as they did before. I would return his stuff and get your stuff back as soon as possible! It's going to hurt. Bad. But the sooner you do it, the sooner you can start healing your heart and taking care of yourself, which should be your number one priority right now. I'm sure looking at his stuff isn't pleasant for you. Get it out of there and get your own stuff back. I think it'll help you not feel in "limbo" anymore. And in my opinion, if you have any other way to get a new washer, I would do that instead of taking him up on his offer to help. It'll show him that you're a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself, and that you don't have to rely on him! I bet contacting you really did bother him. How could it not? I think sometimes guys have a good way of masking that kind of stuff. Women are more emotional creatures than men, so we're usually not able to hide our feelings. Sometimes I wish I could... Good luck... big hugs to you!
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