Ask her to be exclusive she said she'll have to think about it

[Pierre]

Good lord. Just checking out the OP's short posting history, every single post he's typed has been about "multi-daters."

 

It's clearly an issue for HIM. Not everyone has the same outlook about dating however, and that doesn't make the lady wrong. He just probably doesn't 'do it' for her or she wouldn't have needed time to think about whether she wanted to date him exclusively. Maybe it takes her longer to feel a desire to be exclusive. Again, it doesn't make her wrong.

 

This has become SUCH an instant gratification society - people can get whatever they want instantly with the push of a button or the creation of a profile somewhere on the internet. Perhaps the OP is assuming that people in real life have to deliver that quickly, as well.

 

If the OP is going to continue making "multi dating" a huge issue for himself, and if he continues pushing women to be exclusive after only 4 dates, he's going to be alone for a very long time.

 

This makes more sense-----good post.

 

After four dates the women should know if the guy has BF potential.

 

However, for the sake of argument, lets assume she is considering two other guys with similar qualifications. In the end some men and women do not allow themselves to be put in that position--------it is rather simple.

 

However, I do not discard the concept of a woman that has 3-4 men that she likes. NO big deal, date them one at a time and make a decision. However, don't date them all at once!

[DuchessKaye]

I don't think it is controlling. A lot of men and woman do not like to have sex with people that are actively sleeping with others. I think it is extremely inconsiderate for a person to hide that information and deny the concept of dating one person at a time to the other person.

 

For folks that only date one at a time multi dating is a bit repugnant. Therefore, this needs to be on the table ASAP.

 

 

OK, maybe they are into making out with no penetration. I refuse to date women that are making out with other men. I don't need to control what they do, but they should not hide from me they are making out with other men (with no penetration).

 

Saying yes to a realtionship is not getting married. It can be taken back with a text, a phone call, or a simple "no" in person. SO I don't see why anyone fear this. Unless?????????????????? They are multi dating and don't want to give that up.

 

It is not controlling for people to date in search of a relationship. No everybody dates for sport!

 

I may ask "are you dating anyone else?" right away. I don't want to lose my time with a multi dater.

 

 

 

Well, I also think the woman needs to capture my heart and she will fail if she is multi dating.

 

It is not male logic. Many women here think exactly as I do.

 

Lastly, I have no desire to capture the love of a woman that is actively multi dating.

 

But, for the sake of argument: Lets pretend you were dating a man that is seeing 5-6 other women besides you. Are you willing to actually compete with the other women to capture the man?

 

A yes or a no will be enough.

 

You see controlling behaviors in the water and your coffee. I am sorry to hear that.

 

Your inability to respond gave the answer as to where you are coming from.:cool:

 

This makes more sense-----good post.

 

After four dates the women should know if the guy has BF potential.

 

However, for the sake of argument, lets assume she is considering two other guys with similar qualifications. In the end some men and women do not allow themselves to be put in that position--------it is rather simple.

 

However, I do not discard the concept of a woman that has 3-4 men that she likes. NO big deal, date them one at a time and make a decision. However, don't date them all at once!

 

Apparently, I agree with all these... I copied, pasted and printed them!

[DuchessKaye]

Awww... Double posts...

[Pierre]

Here are a few uncomfortable facts for the men in this thread:

 

1)* asking for exclusivity, especially early on, signals that you are a lower status mate.

 

Some may say that dating a woman that has sex with other men while seeing you is of a much lower status and class. It is a matter of perspective.

 

1)* A higher status male has more options, and therefore is more likely to be cautious about committing to one untill he examines all his options to find the woman that is the best fit for him.

 

Dude, if you really have status the woman will only have sex with you and not others.

 

 

2)* A higher status male is more confident and therefore does not view other males, even ones that go on dates with the girl, as competition.* He doesn't worry that the girl likes another guy more than him.

 

It is not about competition. I believe I don't need to compete. So I am well above the issue of competition. If she wants other men she can have them.

 

3)* It shows you dont really understand women, since if u did, u would know that a woman wants to "feel" like her bf is the best and therefore doesnt "feel" like being with other guys.* A woman doesnt want to be exclusive because its the "respectful thing to do."*

 

I disagree. I woman should only f****k one man at a time out of respect for others. Same applies for men.

 

Dude:

 

Exclusivity does not mean BF and GF or marriage. It simply means the woman is not using her vagina as a mixing bowl for semen of different men. It is a rather simple concept.

[TheFinalWord]

You see controlling behaviors in the water and your coffee. I am sorry to hear that.

 

Your inability to respond gave the answer as to where you are coming from.:cool:

 

I don't respond to straw man arguments. Nice try!

 

I bet your soo sorry...always playing the victim aren't you? Just like the text guys that steal girls away from the cable machines before you! LOL

[dasein]

Agree with others, four days was -plenty- of time for her to make up her mind and leave you hanging in the interim. You did the right thing by cutting "looky lou" loose.

 

In the future, OP, always let exclusivity be their idea. Wait til they are literally begging for it to foreclose other options or this negative experience you had will likely repeat. Asking for exclusivity is often the first proactive sign of interest in a woman, up to then it's usually the man making the dates, calling, contacting in other ways. There are exceptions if she is showing proactivity early, but if not, let exclusivity be their idea.

[Pierre]

Agree with others, four days was -plenty- of time for her to make up her mind and leave you hanging in the interim. You did the right thing by cutting "looky lou" loose.

 

In the future, OP, always let exclusivity be their idea. Wait til they are literally begging for it to foreclose other options or this negative experience you had will likely repeat. Asking for exclusivity is often the first proactive sign of interest in a woman, up to then it's usually the man making the dates, calling, contacting in other ways. There are exceptions if she is showing proactivity early, but if not, let exclusivity be their idea.

 

 

Very good post and I need to re-evaluate my position.

 

If I date someone and my level of interest is low I could care less if she multi dates. In fact, I will stop dating her if I don't feel it.

 

If I like someone for a relationship then I would hope she is not dating a zillion other guys. If she is dating many other men then I would lose attraction for her. Or hopefully I would not get attached to her.

 

Otherwise, I agree, it is best for the other side to bring up the issue of exclusivity. However, I would never ask anyone to be exclusive unless I was 100% sure she wanted the same. Some posters made good points about trying to force exclusivity. However, at the same time I don't want to start dating someone that is a typical multi dater.

[phineas]

I don't consider exclusive to equal a relationship.

I consider sex to equal exclusive.

 

Even if we are just having fun & not serious I still don't like to share.

[thatone]

I recently dated a girl and after about four dates I ask her to date me exclusively to which she replied she would have to think about it. I think we had a bit of a communication breakdown there but ended up telling her about four days later that I just needed to be on my way so I wouldn't be in her way and she got angry with me for making up her mind for her. Did I do the right thing or did I jump the gun? Every time I have been in this situation before I always loose because they tend to think they have me on a string.

 

yeah, because there's no reason to have this conversation unless she brought it up.

 

i've never in my 35 years asked a girl whether we were 'exclusively' dating or not. if we're having sex on a regular basis, i can assume we are until proven otherwise, and so can she. if i find out that's not the case then i'm free to seek other pastures as well, if she's doing the same.

 

if we're not having sex, well, we're not.

[Stellar Wench]

A large portion of forum members do not mind sloppy seconds or a recently used vagina (or penis). So they avoid asking for exclusivity.

 

I ask for exclusivity before I go on date number one. I will not date a woman that is actively having sex with other men. Frankly, it does not make sense to me to do that.

I agree with this. If you want or require exclusivity, ask for it.

An enthusiastic yes is the answer you should receive or you should move on. Don't settle for anything less.

[g450]

If the OP is going to continue making "multi dating" a huge issue for himself, and if he continues pushing women to be exclusive after only 4 dates, he's going to be alone for a very long time.

 

Considering the current wishy washy, do what feels good state of todays society I would say you are right.

 

But once he does find the right girl I imagine he will be happy for the rest of his life and he wont have to deal with the wishy washy types any more.

 

Personally I think its great that there are still some people out there that have morals and consideration and respect for the people they date.

[Stellar Wench]

i would say you jumped the gun. in your eagerness to get an answer you took away her right to decide for herself, and it makes you look insecure. four days isn't even a full week - and four dates is hardly enough for many women (or men) to decide on exclusivity - that can take months of dating to come about. you rushed it... hopefully she likes you enough to forgive and forget :-) you mentioned that 'every time you are in the situation..' - keep in mind that every relationship and every female is unique and you shouldn't judge one experience against another.

He asked her to be exclusive, meaning keeping her legs closed to other penises while dating him. He didn't ask for her hand in marriage.

[Stellar Wench]

I do believe you jumped the gun. I think you would have been better to be laid back about it and let her decide in her time. Some people take longer to commit than others. Men do this all of the time. You come across as very insecure and controlling this way.

 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you wanting exclusivity. If you're sleeping together and it's a dealbreaker otherwise, I suggest you put it out there before becoming intimate. Let the cards fall where they may. But if you try to control the situation the way you did,k you never know how she might have reacted if given the freedom and time to consider it. Grace has a strong pull sometimes. When you ask for what you need, you're more often going to get it if you allow the person to decide for themselves. Try to control it in any way, and you are bound to reject yourself.

Indecision is a decision in itself and it speaks volumes.

 

Have you considered that her indecision was an insecure and controlling tactic?

I wouldn't stand for it.

[Stellar Wench]

Why is it that men ALWAYS assume that if a woman is dating other men - during the first four dates? - that she is also having sex with other men?

 

Newsflash: Dating multiple people does not ipso facto mean sleeping with multiple people.

Really? If this forum is any indication, the majority of women are having sex by the second date.

 

It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing. It matters what the OP wants, which appears to be something his paramour does not want right now.

[g450]

I agree with this. If you want or require exclusivity, ask for it.

An enthusiastic yes is the answer you should receive or you should move on. Don't settle for anything less.

 

I agree. When I was OLDing I even put advance warning on my profile that I did not multidate and I do not date multidaters. It kept the sloppy seconds crowd away and narrowed down my hits to more classier quality women.

[g450]

LOL I like how you think you don't have control issues, and then proceed to tell me how I have to respond.

 

You do what you want. Let us know how that works for you along with those cable flys! ARRR!!!

 

OMG because he asked you for a yes or no to a yes or no question you label him as controling?

 

Nice try at sideskirt his question.

 

Hows this...I would like to know your answer as well. And you can answer any old way you wish.

 

You seem to like to throw around labels so I have one for you. You seem to be a hypocrit. The fact that you are avoiding his question speaks volumes about you.

 

I had a female friend that multi dated and at one time even had sex with two of them on the same day. To me this is sick beyond belief. I knew her long enough to realize she was damaged goods. She even admited it. She cheated on her poor husband and then divorced him and now he has to pay her CSP. THIS is what the world is coming to for men. And if we respecfully dissagree we are labeled controling. Unbelievable!

[spiderowl]

Being sexually exclusive and in an exclusive relationship are two different things. If I was sleeping with a guy, I would always be sexually exclusive but I would not necessarily want to be publicly known as his 'girlfriend'. One is not sleeping with more than one guy at once, the other is not being in a committed relationship.

[thatone]

Being sexually exclusive and in an exclusive relationship are two different things. If I was sleeping with a guy, I would always be sexually exclusive but I would not necessarily want to be publicly known as his 'girlfriend'. One is not sleeping with more than one guy at once, the other is not being in a committed relationship.

 

this perfectly illustrates the point i made above about if you're a man, there is no upside to ever bringing up this conversation.

[Emilia]

Being sexually exclusive and in an exclusive relationship are two different things. If I was sleeping with a guy, I would always be sexually exclusive but I would not necessarily want to be publicly known as his 'girlfriend'. One is not sleeping with more than one guy at once, the other is not being in a committed relationship.

 

Just wow. I could definitely sleep with more men than I do but would have to have all this horrible FWB c**p to deal with. No thanks.

[TheFinalWord]

OMG because he asked you for a yes or no to a yes or no question you label him as controling?

 

Nice try at sideskirt his question.

 

Hows this...I would like to know your answer as well. And you can answer any old way you wish.

 

You seem to like to throw around labels so I have one for you. You seem to be a hypocrit. The fact that you are avoiding his question speaks volumes about you.

 

I had a female friend that multi dated and at one time even had sex with two of them on the same day. To me this is sick beyond belief. I knew her long enough to realize she was damaged goods. She even admited it. She cheated on her poor husband and then divorced him and now he has to pay her CSP. THIS is what the world is coming to for men. And if we respecfully dissagree we are labeled controling. Unbelievable!

 

I'm touched! Please proceed with thinking you can bully me over an internet forum! LOL

 

Your whole argument is predicated on the notion the girl the OP was referring to was having sex with multiple men. You don't know that at all. You're building an entirely new argument off a false premise and then demand I refute your straw man. Sorry, not wasting my time. If you want to create a new thread with the premise that you know someone you're dating is having sex with multiple people and then you ask them to become exclusive, by all means go ahead. But in this case you are simply assuming that scenario. You don't know all the facts by a long shot!

 

You can call me whatever you want. Believe me, being called names by an anonymous person behind a computer screen doesn't intimidate me one bit!

[blueskyday]

Well, I will casually ask a guy after a couple of dates if he is dating other people. If he says yes, I then ask if he is sleeping with them. If yes again, I bow out. I don't poach on other women's territory. I consider any woman a guy is sleeping with his "girlfriend."

 

I know I'm old school. I will tell a guy early on that I only sleep with a guy if he is an exclusive boyfriend. I tell him that's because I need to feel safe in order to be sexually vulnerable. Of course, I also let the guy know that I am attracted to him. I will touch him, and flirt with him.

 

I personally like it when a guy brings up exclusivity. If he doesn't by date three or so, I will do it myself.

 

I like to focus on one guy at a time. In order to sleep with him, I need to feel emotionally secure. To feel emotionally secure, I need to know I'm the only one he is seeing.

 

Simple. I don't care if our "relationship" lasts two weeks or two years. It's the intent to focus on each other that's important. Let's see what happens. Let's see if things deepen. If not, at least we gave it a real shot.

 

It's not the show, The Bachelor, after all!

Edited May 11, 2012 by blueskyday

[blueskyday]

Oh, to the OP, you did the right thing. Who has to think about it after four dates? Next....

[make me believe]

ASKING somebody for exclusivity is not "controlling." Demanding exclusivity? Yeah, that would be controlling. But who does that?? It's certainly not what the OP described. Saying that him being upfront about what he wants is controlling, insecure, or pushy is ridiculous. It's not like he tried to force her to be exclusive. And if she doesn't want what he does, fine. Better to get it out of the way in the beginning and move on to somebody more compatible.

 

I think after four dates she should be willing to stop dating others (assuming she is in the first place) if she is into the OP. What is wrong with giving somebody a few weeks of your time - exclusively - to see if you want a relationship with them?

[goldengirl11]

Just to say that I am finding this thread very helpful thanks and that I will make sure when I'm next dating someone that I will be more upfront in the beginning re what I'm looking for, so won't risk feeling sexually vulnerable again whilst wondering if I'm the only one he is seeing or could see! Also by asking if there is anyone else in the picture and if they said no, that's not actually asking for exclusivity is it? I feel you'd actually have to say that you want exclusivity.

Edited May 11, 2012 by goldengirl11

[phineas]

this perfectly illustrates the point i made above about if you're a man, there is no upside to ever bringing up this conversation.

 

Before sex. I agree.

But after, if she wants to do it again we better be exclusive.

 

Did op mention whether he'd slain her or not?