Jackson3491 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I recently dated a girl and after about four dates I ask her to date me exclusively to which she replied she would have to think about it. I think we had a bit of a communication breakdown there but ended up telling her about four days later that I just needed to be on my way so I wouldn't be in her way and she got angry with me for making up her mind for her. Did I do the right thing or did I jump the gun? Every time I have been in this situation before I always loose because they tend to think they have me on a string.
phineas Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 After 4 dates I feel i'm wasting my time and she is just soaking up my attention & would do the same thing. It shouldn't take her 4 days after 4 dates to figure out if she wants to be with you or not. 1
newmoon Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 i would say you jumped the gun. in your eagerness to get an answer you took away her right to decide for herself, and it makes you look insecure. four days isn't even a full week - and four dates is hardly enough for many women (or men) to decide on exclusivity - that can take months of dating to come about. you rushed it... hopefully she likes you enough to forgive and forget :-) you mentioned that 'every time you are in the situation..' - keep in mind that every relationship and every female is unique and you shouldn't judge one experience against another. 1
Andy_K Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I agree with Phineas, any girl who's genuinely into you will be happy to be exclusive after 4 dates. It sounds more like she's just a serial attention-seeker, and you did the right thing. Deciding after 4 days to give her the elbow wasn't an insecure move on your part, rather it was one that shows you have enough self-respect not to wait around for some girl who's only half-interested to make her mind up. 1
g450 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I agree with Andy. You did the right thing. I was in your shoes a few years back. I asked for exclusivness and got shot down and friendzoned. Then two weeks later she tells some other guy that she was willing to try to be exclusive. What BS. Glad I dont deal with this woman anymore. She was bad mojo and our friendship wasnt going anywhere anyway. Took me a while to see she was just using me. 1
g450 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Samson, People do this because they want to establish a LTR. It is also a sure fire way to find out if the other person is just a FWB or something much more. Not to mention the fact that it allows two people to thwart away the chances of getting an STD. I though the benefits of this would be self explanitory?
spiderowl Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Asking for exclusivity or expecting it too soon can seem like pressurising or controlling. When she said she'd think about it, she probably meant she wasn't sure it was time yet but would think about it. When you said you'd get out of her way, that was a mental prod to her to let her know you were waiting to hear. I've had such prods before and they always come across as controlling and attention-seeking. There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity but not everyone knows for sure at first. For example, I have been with a guy who wanted exclusivity but I wasn't sure I wanted to restrict myself at that point. However, I had no intention of seeing anyone else and certainly wasn't. I just wanted to feel free to choose, not be pushed. I guess not being sure does mean a doubt somewhere. That doubt might be resolved if I got to know him better or it might be reinforced, in which case we'd have ended it. I think it's rare for people to know they both want to be exclusive from early in dating but not impossible. 1
g450 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 For the life of me I do not understand how being asked to be exclusive is considered by some to be controlling. Really? It's not like you are asking to marry you after a few months of dating. All you are asking for is for them to not have sex with other people while you are having sex with them and dating them. It's considered common courtesy AFAIAC. Is that too much to ask? If she decides that he is not right for her she can call it quits and go right back to multidating or whatever the hell she was doing before. How is being exclusive controlling? I just dont get it. When I date a woman I automatically stop dating other women out of respect. I do not have sex with other women out of respect for the person Im dating. Why is that such a bad thing? Now if it doesnt work out then...next! If his girl is so inconsiderate and so offended at the thought of not being able to have sex with other men while she is dating the OP I would say good ridance. I would not want to be with that type of woman anyway so he did the right thing. There are plenty of women out there that would welcome and even crave exclusivity. If she wants to be a player, she can do that on somebody elses dime IMHO.
daphne Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I do believe you jumped the gun. I think you would have been better to be laid back about it and let her decide in her time. Some people take longer to commit than others. Men do this all of the time. You come across as very insecure and controlling this way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you wanting exclusivity. If you're sleeping together and it's a dealbreaker otherwise, I suggest you put it out there before becoming intimate. Let the cards fall where they may. But if you try to control the situation the way you did,k you never know how she might have reacted if given the freedom and time to consider it. Grace has a strong pull sometimes. When you ask for what you need, you're more often going to get it if you allow the person to decide for themselves. Try to control it in any way, and you are bound to reject yourself. 1
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 All you are asking for is for them to not have sex with other people while you are having sex with them and dating them. It's considered common courtesy AFAIAC. Is that too much to ask? A large portion of forum members do not mind sloppy seconds or a recently used vagina (or penis). So they avoid asking for exclusivity. I ask for exclusivity before I go on date number one. I will not date a woman that is actively having sex with other men. Frankly, it does not make sense to me to do that. When I date a woman I automatically stop dating other women out of respect. I do not have sex with other women out of respect for the person Im dating. Why is that such a bad thing? Now if it doesnt work out then...next! Exactly! If his girl is so inconsiderate and so offended at the thought of not being able to have sex with other men while she is dating the OP I would say good ridance. I would not want to be with that type of woman anyway so he did the right thing. There are plenty of women out there that would welcome and even crave exclusivity. If she wants to be a player, she can do that on somebody elses dime IMHO. Very well said!
Star Gazer Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I do believe you jumped the gun. I think you would have been better to be laid back about it and let her decide in her time. Some people take longer to commit than others. Men do this all of the time. You come across as very insecure and controlling this way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you wanting exclusivity. If you're sleeping together and it's a dealbreaker otherwise, I suggest you put it out there before becoming intimate. Let the cards fall where they may. But if you try to control the situation the way you did, you never know how she might have reacted if given the freedom and time to consider it. Grace has a strong pull sometimes. When you ask for what you need, you're more often going to get it if you allow the person to decide for themselves. Try to control it in any way, and you are bound to reject yourself. This, absolutely.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I do believe you jumped the gun. I think you would have been better to be laid back about it and let her decide in her time. Some people take longer to commit than others. Men do this all of the time. You come across as very insecure and controlling this way. I don't think it is controlling. A lot of men and woman do not like to have sex with people that are actively sleeping with others. I think it is extremely inconsiderate for a person to hide that information and deny the concept of dating one person at a time to the other person. For folks that only date one at a time multi dating is a bit repugnant. Therefore, this needs to be on the table ASAP.
joystickd Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Next time don't ask to be exclusive so soon but if you feel she is wasting your time then move on.
Star Gazer Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A lot of men and woman do not like to have sex with people that are actively sleeping with others. I think it is extremely inconsiderate for a person to hide that information and deny the concept of dating one person at a time to the other person. Why is it that men ALWAYS assume that if a woman is dating other men - during the first four dates? - that she is also having sex with other men? Newsflash: Dating multiple people does not ipso facto mean sleeping with multiple people. 1
joystickd Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Why is it that men ALWAYS assume that if a woman is dating other men - during the first four dates? - that she is also having sex with other men? Newsflash: Dating multiple people does not ipso facto mean sleeping with multiple people. Women assume that too. Look back at multidating thread
TheFinalWord Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I recently dated a girl and after about four dates I ask her to date me exclusively to which she replied she would have to think about it. I think we had a bit of a communication breakdown there but ended up telling her about four days later that I just needed to be on my way so I wouldn't be in her way and she got angry with me for making up her mind for her. Did I do the right thing or did I jump the gun? Every time I have been in this situation before I always loose because they tend to think they have me on a string. Four dates and asking for a relationship (basically)? I think that is pushing it. I would have maybe asked if she sees this progressing or not...especially if you think you're getting played. But to ask her to stop dating other people is a controlling action. Anytime you try to encapsulate a woman it backfires. They're minds don't work the way ours do. They have to feel an emotional investment before they'll commit. You can't force that or put it in a box. Female emotions are irrational. All I have seen in this thread is a male mindset of A causes B. Women don't work that way! It's A + Z - X * F correlates to B. I don't think it's ever good to bring up relationship status first. Let the woman lead that one Just keep showing her a good time. If you see red flags, bail. Don't try to force her emotions. Simple as that! Focus on the fun part first and let the chemistry build. Then once you get her emotionally attached to you will get your exclusivity.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Women assume that too. Look back at multidating thread OK, maybe they are into making out with no penetration. I refuse to date women that are making out with other men. I don't need to control what they do, but they should not hide from me they are making out with other men (with no penetration).
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Four dates and asking for a relationship (basically)? I think that is pushing it. I would have maybe asked if she sees this progressing or not...especially if you think you're getting played. But to ask her to stop dating other people is a controlling action. Saying yes to a realtionship is not getting married. It can be taken back with a text, a phone call, or a simple "no" in person. SO I don't see why anyone fear this. Unless?????????????????? They are multi dating and don't want to give that up. It is not controlling for people to date in search of a relationship. No everybody dates for sport! I may ask "are you dating anyone else?" right away. I don't want to lose my time with a multi dater.
g450 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Why is it that men ALWAYS assume that if a woman is dating other men - during the first four dates? - that she is also having sex with other men? Newsflash: Dating multiple people does not ipso facto mean sleeping with multiple people. Unfortunately, in most cases it means exactly that. Welcome to our brave new world. Apparently you do not know what being exclusive means. And even if she is dating and not having sex with them the possibility is still there. Either way I do not do multidating because I consider it dissrespectful to the other person you are dating. Be honest and answer this question: How the hell can you build a relationship if you are juggling different people around like they are dental appointments? Sorry, but my time is more valuable than that. If a woman wants to play those games she can count me out. AFAIAC, multi daters are just out there playing games. They either want indiscriminate sex or they want a free meal. That's just my opinion. And I am not saying to be exclusive on the first date. First date is to see if you click with that person. But after four or so dates I would ask about exclusivity. I am not controlling. Never tried to control a woman ever. She can do what she wants. And if she thinks it wont work out then she can go back to looking for other dates. She has freedom of choice. But so do I. And I chose not to date multidaters. If I am nothing more than a checkmark on her calendar, then I move on.
TheFinalWord Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Saying yes to a realtionship is not getting married. It can be taken back with a text, a phone call, or a simple "no" in person. SO I don't see why anyone fear this. Unless?????????????????? They are multi dating and don't want to give that up. It is not controlling for people to date in search of a relationship. No everybody dates for sport! I may ask "are you dating anyone else?" right away. I don't want to lose my time with a multi dater. Well that's your opinion, just like using cables is manly is your opinion haha just giving you a hard time You're thinking like a man bro. Also, you're putting words in my mouth. Think however you want, but you can't command a woman's heart! You have to capture it and that is done on her terms, not yours. But go ahead and keep using male logic to win over a woman. Let us know when you snag a woman with that mentality!
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Think however you want, but you can't command a woman's heart! You have to capture it and that is done on her terms, not yours. But go ahead and keep using male logic to win over a woman. Let us know when you snag a woman with that mentality! Well, I also think the woman needs to capture my heart and she will fail if she is multi dating. It is not male logic. Many women here think exactly as I do. Lastly, I have no desire to capture the love of a woman that is actively multi dating. But, for the sake of argument: Lets pretend you were dating a man that is seeing 5-6 other women besides you. Are you willing to actually compete with the other women to capture the man? A yes or a no will be enough.
TheFinalWord Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A yes or a no will be enough. LOL I like how you think you don't have control issues, and then proceed to tell me how I have to respond. You do what you want. Let us know how that works for you along with those cable flys! ARRR!!!
lamaman3 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Here are a few uncomfortable facts for the men in this thread: 1)* asking for exclusivity, especially early on, signals that you are a lower status mate. Why? 1)* A higher status male has more options, and therefore is more likely to be cautious about committing to one untill he examines all his options to find the woman that is the best fit for him. 2)* A higher status male is more confident and therefore does not view other males, even ones that go on dates with the girl, as competition.* He doesn't worry that the girl likes another guy more than him. 3)* It shows you dont really understand women, since if u did, u would know that a woman wants to "feel" like her bf is the best and therefore doesnt "feel" like being with other guys.* A woman doesnt want to be exclusive because its the "respectful thing to do."* When was the last time you saw a woman swooning over a romance novel in which the girl is guilt tripped into being exclusive out of "respect" for the man who she went on some dates with?* Do you think women would rather tell their girlfriends, "This guy is amazing, when im with him he makes me feel incredible, I can't get him off of my mind and I hope he feels the same!" or, "we went on 4 dates and he asked me to be exclusive. I should say yes because its really the respectful thing to do and well, 4 dates is about time." Men that understand this dynamic want their girl to speak like the first one, and men that find their girl in the latter category are unlikely to understand this dynamic. How a girl feels has nothing to do with how many dates you take her on. She could feel in love on date one, or feel indifferent by date twenty. No matter how much you tell someone how they "should" feel a certain way, they still won't unless they actually do. 4) Finally, and this is connected to rule #3, there seems to be a correlation between men that feel strongly about early exclusivity and men that seem to judge certain aspects of a woman's sexuality. Judge the comments on this thread ("is it too much to ask a woman not to be a promiscuous slut if I've taken her out 4 times!?!") Most women fantasize about relationships filled with passion - the guy who will pull over on the side of the road to ravage her because he is so filled with desire for his gf...the man who lifts her up on the kitchen table as soon as they get home because he has to have her before they can get up the stairs. This is the stuff romance novels are made of...women who are attracted to you will also start thinking and building anticipation for the first time you touch them..kiss them..do everything to them.... this is how a woman wants to feel Exclusivity develops naturally after all these good times when you will naturally build a bond born of shared pleasure and good experiences. You won't even have to have a conversation about it since both of you will just "feel" it. Now when you have a logical conversation for exclusivity after four dates, the first element of sexuality introduced into the early budding relationship is that of rules and regulations - like a contract of sorts...and really what romance novels are made of rules and regulations? You shift from wonderful pleasure associated with sexuality to its negative aspects ("control aspects of your sexuality because otherwise you are disrespectful, slutty etc") Women know that the more likely you are to judge them negatively and therefore associate female sexuality with something negative, the less likely you are to do the wonderful things described above (i.e. "what kind of disrespectful woman of ill repute has sex in a car, in xyz position") Now what you should have done is focused on having a wonderful time with her without worrying about setting rules right off the bat. If you did you two might have had a wonderful future and found that she naturally wanted to only date you, because thats how she really felt, as opposed to being pressured into something she doesn't yet feel. 1
Andy_K Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It's not about saying that after 4 dates she should be exclusive out of respect. She should WANT to be exclusive by four dates, and if she doesn't, he is doing the right thing by moving on. 1
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 LOL I like how you think you don't have control issues, and then proceed to tell me how I have to respond. You do what you want. Let us know how that works for you along with those cable flys! ARRR!!! You see controlling behaviors in the water and your coffee. I am sorry to hear that. Your inability to respond gave the answer as to where you are coming from.:cool: 1
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