woinlove Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Im not planning on cheating. I do feel the temptation to cheat will be there and i am afraid that It will be very difficult to resist the fempation to cheat. If something happens, or we end up having one too many drinks. But you said you rarely ever drink??? It sounds like you want to cheat, plan to cheat and plan to lie to yourself about it and try to convince yourself that it will just happen. It won't just happen. You will either choose to cheat or you will choose not to. The choice is yours. It is not like catching a virus and getting sick. It is something you have control over and can either do or not do.
Owl Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Im not planning on cheating. I do feel the temptation to cheat will be there and i am afraid that It will be very difficult to resist the fempation to cheat. If something happens, or we end up having one too many drinks. If you're aware of the attraction, aware that the temptation is there and will be difficult to resist... ...and you continue on with the same behaviors unchanged and unabated... ...you're planning on cheating. If you're aware of the attraction and temptation and risk...and change the behavior to prevent the attraction and temptation and risk from growing but instead reduce it...THAT is "not planning on cheating". What are you going to do from here, in light of that information and awareness? If you continue on your current path, you already know what's likely (going to) happen. Are you going to do something about that, or continue on now aware of that? 4
nofool4u Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Im not planning on cheating. I do feel the temptation to cheat will be there and i am afraid that It will be very difficult to resist the fempation to cheat. If something happens, or we end up having one too many drinks. Cheating doesn't just "happen". People cheat because they want the other person, and don't go blaming it on drinks. See, this is the party scene. Your fiance has outgrown it because it is an activity for single people. If you want to act single, then stay single. Tell your fiance you are tempted to cheat and let him make the decision on how he wants to proceed with his life before he ends up marrying someone he doesn't really know. And thank you charecter floss for defending my lifestlye choice it has a bad image in the usa and its very difficult to be accepted by the majority when u tell then if a raver. Nothing wrong with your lifestyle choice, if you are single. 1
SoulStorm Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 And thank you charecter floss for defending my lifestlye choice it has a bad image in the usa and its very difficult to be accepted by the majority when u tell then if a raver. There is nothing wrong with your lifestyle if you do it responsibly. You are being very immature and naive about this. It appears your love for the EDM will overshadow the love and respect you have for your relationship. You have laid out the parameters of what WILL happen if you go. You know full well that you are not going to tell this OM no. If he starts in..you will follow and you are trying to blameshift this on your boyfriend for not being interested in the scene and "making" you go without him with this guy you already are having an EA with. You know what will happen and you are welcoming it... Wise thing to do..don't go. If you go..there will be regrets. Guaranteed.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Bring it up. I recommend full honestly. Better to give him a chance and let him know how serious things are before you create another massive problem on top of the one you already have. The new problem (your cheating) will take priority then because that is a MASSIVE betrayal. All of the stuff you want at that point will have to wait. Better to risk things now than have a bigger problem later on. If just bringing this temptation destroys your relationship, it probably wouldn't have survived anyway. My bet is you telling him the full truth is a wake up call and will show him how honest you are.
nofool4u Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 My bet is you telling him the full truth is a wake up call and will show him how honest you are. I wouldn't bet on it. It could go a couple different ways. 1) It might make him start going to all these "events" against his will ONLY to keep her from cheating. or 2) He might decide a party girl isn't the marrying type, and why should he bother going somewhere he doesn't like just so he can be her supervisor. If a fiance of mine told me she was tempted to cheat just because I didn't like doing ONE thing she likes, then she isn't worth my time. Geez, if this guy marries her and finds out that she is tempted to cheat just because he doesn't like doing ONE thing she likes, he is going to have to do what she wants just to keep her from cheating. Thats not a marriage. Thats prison.
alexandria35 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 You seem to have narrowed this down to a mere 2 choices. Cheat or stay faithful to the man who doesn't share your passion. You don't have to do either of these things. There is another option you know? Sit your bf down and break up with him. Tell him your music is your life and you can't be with someone who doesn't share this passion with you. Properly and honestly end the relationship first and then you will be free to hook up with whomever you want with a clear conscience. 3
Bellechica Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Confused365, remember as people get older their interests may change. Do you and your fiancé share many other interests in common? If so, maybe you could nurture those interests more in order to bond with him. It seems that you resent that he no longer loves the music scene you're into. If that's a deal breaker for you then you've got to let him go....
stillwater Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) If a fiance of mine told me she was tempted to cheat just because I didn't like doing ONE thing she likes, then she isn't worth my time. Geez, if this guy marries her and finds out that she is tempted to cheat just because he doesn't like doing ONE thing she likes, he is going to have to do what she wants just to keep her from cheating. I agree she shouldn't be cheating, but it sounds like this ONE thing is her passion and a pretty big part of her life, not some mundane detail. Replace EDM with, say, traveling. Say you and your fiancee used to go all over the world and took little trips every weekend, and all of a sudden she decided she'd rather just sit on the couch and watch TV. If you still want to jet off to London, I think it could put a big dent in the relationship. Sometimes people just grow apart, and you have to decide what part of your life you're going to sacrifice if there's no way to compromise. (Of course, getting some side action isn't making that sacrifice...) Edited May 10, 2012 by stillwater
Reddice Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I agree she shouldn't be cheating, but it sounds like this ONE thing is her passion and a pretty big part of her life, not some mundane detail. Replace EDM with, say, traveling. Say you and your fiancee used to go all over the world and took little trips every weekend, and all of a sudden she decided she'd rather just sit on the couch and watch TV. If you still want to jet off to London, I think it could put a big dent in the relationship. Sometimes people just grow apart, and you have to decide what part of your life you're going to sacrifice if there's no way to compromise. (Of course, getting some side action isn't making that sacrifice...) Silly me... And I thought that relationships were all about communicating, compromising and finding a middle ground. Seems I was wrong. Apparently it's all about me, me, me! Thanks for the advice!
stillwater Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Silly me... And I thought that relationships were all about communicating, compromising and finding a middle ground. Seems I was wrong. Apparently it's all about me, me, me! Thanks for the advice! Well I did specifically write "if there's no way to compromise". Compromise depends on BOTH partners. If one partner unilaterally decides to stop doing something important to the other partner, and won't budge...
2long Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Why not just marry the dance music? I can't believe that you're seriously weighing your love for the EDM "scene" against that for your SO. Been engaged for 10 years? What does commitment mean 2 you? Why get engaged, if you didn't intend 2 get married? Was it 2 nail his feet 2 the floor so he wouldn't go out and do what you're doing - find someone who shares his interests in shallow entertainment, for example? Let him go, and in the process you'll be freeing yourself. -ol' 2long
2long Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Im not planning on cheating. I do feel the temptation to cheat will be there and i am afraid that It will be very difficult to resist the fempation to cheat. If something happens, or we end up having one too many drinks. I thought you said earlier that you don't drink at these things. Your fears are exactly why you need 2 make a choice 2 tell your SO about your temptations and your intent 2 continue going 2 these events in spite of them. Or, tell him about the temptations and that you aren't going 2 go again without him because of them. -ol' 2long
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I agree she shouldn't be cheating, but it sounds like this ONE thing is her passion and a pretty big part of her life, not some mundane detail. Replace EDM with, say, traveling. Say you and your fiancee used to go all over the world and took little trips every weekend, and all of a sudden she decided she'd rather just sit on the couch and watch TV. If you still want to jet off to London, I think it could put a big dent in the relationship. Sometimes people just grow apart, and you have to decide what part of your life you're going to sacrifice if there's no way to compromise. (Of course, getting some side action isn't making that sacrifice...) I hear what you are saying, and understand your traveling analogy. But lets call this what it is. Her fiance isn't into "partying" anymore. She can call it a passion for music all she wants. She wants to party. Big difference between that and a leisure activity such as traveling and going on vacation.
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Silly me... And I thought that relationships were all about communicating, compromising and finding a middle ground. Seems I was wrong. Apparently it's all about me, me, me! Thanks for the advice! I also thought that getting married means you no longer are going to act like you are single. If she wants to act like a single person, she needs to stay a single person, and set her fiance free.
Woggle Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 As somebody who loves music myself through a different kind it is more than just partying. It still would never excuse cheating.
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 As somebody who loves music myself through a different kind it is more than just partying. It still would never excuse cheating. With your music do you go to clubs, drink, and grind? Because this is exactly what happens at raves and EDM clubs. I don't see much grinding or inappropriate behavior for a committed person when at a venue that plays Chopin, or even classic rock for that matter.
Woggle Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 With your music do you go to clubs, drink, and grind? Because this is exactly what happens at raves and EDM clubs. I don't see much grinding or inappropriate behavior for a committed person when at a venue that plays Chopin, or even classic rock for that matter. Sometimes. I don't think that dancing is wrong. It is the cheating part that I have an issue with. If she had an office affair it wouldn't mean that working is wrong.
Author confused365 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 With your music do you go to clubs, drink, and grind? Because this is exactly what happens at raves and EDM clubs. I don't see much grinding or inappropriate behavior for a committed person when at a venue that plays Chopin, or even classic rock for that matter. I don't know how many EDM events/raves you have been too, but that is not what happens. Unfortunately, the US has put a HUGE stereotype on this type of scene and unless you have been to an event, do not judge what goes on. Its not much different than any other show. We do not "grind" to EDM music. The dancing that is involved is definitely not grinding. There is a lot of shuffling, and throwing our hands up in the air. Nothing that would be considered sexual at all. Sure we may dance differently but not in a sexual way. And most events that I go to do not have bars, there is no way to drink. They are held at venues without bars. If it is at a bar, I may go have a drink or two but nothing that would be considered inappropriate.
Author confused365 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I also thought that getting married means you no longer are going to act like you are single. If she wants to act like a single person, she needs to stay a single person, and set her fiance free. How is going out and enjoying music acting like a single person??? There are plenty of committed people that do the same thing??
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 How is going out and enjoying music acting like a single person??? There are plenty of committed people that do the same thing?? Partying is for singles. It has no place in a marriage, and you and this other guy are proving that. 1
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I don't know how many EDM events/raves you have been too, but that is not what happens. Unfortunately, the US has put a HUGE stereotype on this type of scene and unless you have been to an event, do not judge what goes on. Its not much different than any other show. If I'm so far off base, you wouldn't be here telling your story
Author confused365 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I thought you said earlier that you don't drink at these things. Your fears are exactly why you need 2 make a choice 2 tell your SO about your temptations and your intent 2 continue going 2 these events in spite of them. Or, tell him about the temptations and that you aren't going 2 go again without him because of them. -ol' 2long As far as th 10 year engagement, the engagement has only been for about 18 months. and no we did not get engaged to just tie him down. he does go out occasionally with friends. Its not about tieing him down while I do my own thing. I don't mind if he goes out without me either, but he for the most part chooses not too, thats a personal choice of his. For the most part I don't drink, there usually isn't a bar at the events, but occasionally I do drink a bit, just one or two drinks.
Woggle Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I have been to a number of raves in the 90s and there is usually a bar at these events. Also it is pretty easy to get drugs at them. Not bashing it but it is what it is.
Author confused365 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I have been to a number of raves in the 90s and there is usually a bar at these events. Also it is pretty easy to get drugs at them. Not bashing it but it is what it is. Maybe the events you went too, the majority of events where I am located are 18+ and the state I am in its VERY difficult to get an alcohol permit if you are hosting to an 18+ crowd so the promoters just don't try. I'm not going to lie and pretend that drugs are difficult to find, because they are there, just like they would be at most other concerts you go to. However I am 100% drug free at these events and so are my friends. We have been raving for 10 years (off and on), those days are OVER.
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