Zoey Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 So here's the deal - My boyfriend and I will celebrate our 3 year anniversary on Friday. 3 years!!! So while he is giddy and excited, I am more than a little perturbed. The years together have FLOWN past, and while they have been fun and we have enjoyed each other, our relationship has suffered our share of ups and downs. Lately, it seems as though I am putting his every action under the microscope and wondering "Is this the type of person that I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life?" In my mind, this is not such an outlandish question since I believe that dating is something of a tryout for marriage. Everytime, the answer to these questions comes back as "I'm not so sure..." To use a lame metaphor, I don't want to be throwing money into a money pit. There isn't anything horrible about him. We have fun together and used to have pretty decent sex (until recently when I haven't been in the mood very often). He is intelligent, funny, and kind. He would never beat me, he is very generous, and would marry me in a second if I were so inclined. This is the problem - I very much doubt whether we are two peas in a pod, meant to be together for life. It's not that I'm scared of being alone...more that I am nervous that we have grown too accustomed to each other and perhaps are together out of habit rather than because we love each other. But also, I am frightened of taking the next step and then realizing that I was wrong...WAY wrong. So, I am hoping that maybe some of you will have experienced something similiar and can offer advice - If I am not ready to marry this guy after 3 years of dating, is it time to throw in the towel? (I am 24 yo) Or, should just let time decide? Anyone have experience in long term relationships? Thanks for all the help.
soapoperahaven Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 i feel the way you do alot the problem for me is im married with children we were not together very long before getting married and i think that i wish i had just dated and waited for getting married but now i am stuck in a relationship i dont want
honey2005 Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 It sounds like you've come to a rough spot in your relationship. Maybe you're getting a little bored with the way things have been, because, let's face it, three years is a looong time. But before you dump him, MAKE SURE that it is really what you want. Once you hurt him, you can NEVER take back what he has felt. Maybe try to spice things up a little bit, try something completely different than what you would usually do. I'm not saying to stay in a relationship you're not happy with, just make sure that you're really not happy before you end it.
Author Zoey Posted June 24, 2004 Author Posted June 24, 2004 Thanks for all the input! Relationships can be so tough! I guess I am thinking that I would like to take a short break from our relationship...only because I'm scared that we have been together for so long and that we are going through the motions. I don't want to lose my goals, hopes, interests, etc. for something that I am not 100% sure about. For instance, I moved out here to the East Coast because he got a job here. My family is on the West Coast and eventually I'd like to be there, and raise my family there. But, also, I am super scared to be without him. I'm scared of making a big mistake and dissolving the trust we have built in our relationship. I have never done the "break" thing before...only "break-up" thing. I imagine that getting back together after a break would make rebuilding the relationship very hurtful and even potentially fatal to the relationship. Do people really get back together after a break? Maybe I should just start distancing myself from him without verbalizing my actions...??? BF has been on a business trip this week, so it has been a nice break for me to rethink our relationship. But, he gets back today!!
tattoomytoe Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 uhh. i am in a similar situation too. i love my bf of a yr and a half, we live together, he is wonderful, but he is quite the opinoin on every thing, my friends, my ideas- they are a lot more liberal than his narrow mindedness. i think our 2 yr age gap has a lot to do with our different views and ideas, he just turned 23, i am 25...i have been through a lot of hardships in my life, during my teen years, and i am a lot more mature than him and even people my own age. and i do not want to have him pestering me years to come about me not exercising, or smoking, or how much i drink, or when the kitty litter needs changing. and maybe because he is an only child, but he always has to be with someone, he does not like to be alone...where as i need my own time, to reconnect with myself, he just doesn't get that. but i do love him, i know that.... but i feel he is not what i should "settle for" then that makes me feel guilty, cause then i feel as if i am just stringing him along..plus the fact that we live together.
whatshouldido Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by Zoey It's not that I'm scared of being alone...more that I am nervous that we have grown too accustomed to each other and perhaps are together out of habit rather than because we love each other. i completley understand what you are saying. i've been with my bf for 4 years...and i'm only 20 years old. he's 21...this means we have been together since i was 16..he has had his doubts about our relationship, but we have stayed together, but now i am starting to have mine. i dont' know if i really want to be with him anymore. i do love him, but i do not know who i am without him really, you know? i have been with him for so long that i don't know myself, and he doesn't know himself either. i think i am not really happy. i need to get out and explore..we have both taken each other for granted and we need to see what else is out there. now that i'ive said it here, i need to work on saying it to him.....i keep telling myself now is not a good time, but there will never be a good time...and the longer i wait the harder it will get..
Author Zoey Posted June 25, 2004 Author Posted June 25, 2004 So today is our anniversary...and BF just called to say that he has dinner reservations. He sounds so excited and cute. The last time we made dinner reservations was my birthday and we ended up fighting on the street outside and nearly broke up. I still think that taking time apart to reevaluate our relationship would be very beneficial, but it is definitely SOOO hard to broach the subject, especially since he is being so nice and affectionate to commemorate our anniversary. Definitely will not broach the subject today. I will submit to enjoying my evening and perhaps early next week we will discuss. Thanks tattoomytoe and whatshouldido for the comments! It definitely helps to know that there are other people in the same situation. It is sooo hard to step away from this - especially since there is no earth-shattering relationship blowing dilemma (such as, he cheated on me, etc.) Whatshouldido, I definitely hear you on the "there will never be a good time" comment. It's so true. I think that we should just tell ourselves that we are feeling this way for a reason. Half the time I just think I am paranoid and that perhaps I am just making this feeling up. But, I definitely wouldn't have taken to posting on the Internet if this feeling was something that I could forget about. It has to be real. And I don't think it will go away until I do something about it. I know because I have been waiting for it to go away for several months now. AND, I keep telling myself that I need to live without regrets. If I stay with BF till we are married, I will look back and wonder if I made the right decision. I know because I wonder that now! Sometimes, I say to myself that I will stay with BF till I find some other boy who I am interested in. If I am not interested in another boy, then I must really like BF. I know, twisted logic. Especially since, it's hard to be on the lookout for boys when I stay in and watch movies with BF, or when most boys that I know also know that I have been dating BF for 3 years...I'm sure that kinda takes the wind out of their sails before the ball gets rolling (can i fit any more cliches into this sentence???). Well girls, I think that we should make our best efforts to take a step back from our relationships and REALLY look at whether it's the right decision. We've got to remind ourselves that it only gets harder with each passing month to begin a new single life (if that's what we decided to do). I also think that maybe we are confusing the term love. Of course we love our SO, but maybe it is morphed into a we've-been-through-so-much-and-I'm-so-used-to-telling-you-everything kinda love, rather than a can't-live-without-you kinda love. Or, maybe there is no such thing as that kind of Hollywood love and we are giving up a good thing for a john cusak movie.
Kate Posted June 25, 2004 Posted June 25, 2004 my first love of 4 years was the most magical thing that ever happened to me. but i was in your shoes...and it took me 2 years to break up with him cause it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. he was amazing, there was no rhyme or reason for the breakup, i just loved him as a friend, that was it. this is a normal process of life, and exactly what my EX has JUST been through (and started dating me a month after he broke up with his ex of 4 years -- the funny thing is i helped him through the whole break up when we were just friends and i wasn't even thinking of dating him!!!!!!! funny how it works.) thanks also for your comments on my other thread about my recent ex needing space. cause he JUST went through what you are going through...and felt out of love for 4 years. so, can you just tell me, on the other thread, how would you feel right now if you started dating someone else who you REALLY wanted to be with...but you were still overcoming your feelings over your current situation? cause your reply to my post hit it right on the money i think ("NC -- it's not all about you!!!" -- that post) . i even printed out your to-the -point response. thanks!
valpariaso2 Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Zoey: You seem to have made up your mind and the advice would be, that it is time for you to act. Even though you think you have decided to do something, it aint done before you've actually done it. You can be totally sure you want to do it and still not do it. So think about it. Just do it, you'll be happy - good luck to you!
anotherperson Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Zoey, whatever you do, I would suggest talking to your SO. Maybe a break is the best thing for the both of you right now. Then again, maybe it isn't. However, talking about it never hurt anyone.
J_weik Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Do you guys spend every day together? If so, you should not. To much time together is a bad thing.
Author Zoey Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 So, I'm back. An entire year later. good grief...here's the scoop. I can't exactly remember what happened that made me decide that I wanted to stay together with my boyfriend. I think that we both starting taking LSAT classes and we were both suddenly busy and super focused. Who knows what role that had on the continuousness of our relationship, but I think that it did have a role. So we were both wrapped up in this crazy process of studying, and then appyling to law school. We went on vacation, we were in a wedding together, we spent the spring thinking about how going to law school would affect our relationship. We both knew that where we decided to go to law school might dictate the future course of our relationship... Anyway, we both picked schools that would be close enough that we could visit each other on the weekends (1.5 hours apart). We drove across country together, we were vagabonds on the beach for a month. In short, I knew that picking a school close to the boyfriend would be analogous to picking him for the rest of my life - well, at least that is the way I treated it. We spoke to each other filled with promises of our future, and I absolutely believed we would be together. I don't know what changed my mind...I guess my life outside my boyfriend got better, and I realized that I didn't want anyone else. Well, funny thing (not really), the boy comes back from his second week of law school and basically tells me what I was too scared to tell him a year ago. So, now we've been dating for 4 years. He tells me that meeting new poeple in law school made him realize how lonely he had been for the last two years and that he doesn't know who ihe is outside of our relationship. He isn't sure if our relationship is a habit, or that he loves me. So, he dumped me. I've never cried so hard. It's so crazy. Honestly, I can't get over feeling like he will come back to me, just like I came back to him - but, what if he doesn't? Anyway, I definitely see that when I was struggling with this issue, instead of my BF dealing with the same thing, he struggled because he was doing everything he could do keep me. In turn, I felt smothered. I knew he was lonely, and I was under pressure to provide so much emotional support to him, which strained our relationship and caused petty arguments and for both of us to loose our identities. Now, when I've decided that I really do, absolutely, love him, the BF finally realizes that he has been clinging to me for security. Wow. I have such hope that he will come back to me. I hope he does. I don't see how he can't know that our love was real. So, now I'm waiting around. Waiting for him to make up his mind. I'm giving him space. He broke my heart on Saturday, and I emailed a closing remark on Sunday evening. Nothing since then. My mom says: A man isn't worth having if you have to convince him to be yours. You want a man who is confident in his decisions, and has come to his decision through his own analysis and not through any prompting of your own. So, I'm leaving him be. I want him back. But I want 100% of him, not just a little piece.
Candy Cane Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Your boyfriend sounds like an okay guy. I'd just give him his space. You guys have been together for so long and he's been there for you. It's just his turn to deal with his uncertainties. I wouldn't get all upset about it. Just be cool. Your mom sounds really smart. He does need to come to the decision to be with you on his own. Don't try to convince him of it. I've done that before and it really only pushes them away. That being said, I wouldn't settle for anything less than what you want out of the relationship. He has the right to have some space, but he can't jack with your emotions either. Keep that in mind if he attempts a "friend" approach. Just say, "Look. If you need some space, I support your decision. However, I want more than friends so respect that." Well, that's just what I'd do. Good luck!
sburtug03 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I completely support what you are saying, however are you sure this is how you really feel now? Your emotions and feelings for this guy have been up and down constantly and now, when he has left you, you have decided that he was actually the one all along. This may be true, but make sure you are certain and not that 'you want what you can't have' and that this is about your pride being hurt. As soon as we are dumped, nothing becomes clear anymore and our hearts take over our minds. This time out may do you the world of good. Don't focus on him, focus on what you want and who you are. Good luck with whatever happens, Luv Samantha x
Rocko Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 First of all, I would really like to thank you Zoey for posting this thread. Your beginning post has REALLY helped me shed some light on my situation (I am the guy with the ex who was "unsure" if it was comfort or love, so I had to let her go). There are tons of guys and girls on here who are in your ex-SO's shoes and have been wondering why oh why did they leave? This thread really has shed some light on the situation. I agree with the other posters, give him some space, have some light contact (2x a month, 1x a month), but don't give him affection or anything. If it's mean to be it will be. Thanks again for this post. You're not alone. Best of Luck! P.S. - They say that no long-term relationship goes without at least one major break-up...so just consider this a learning experience and listen to Candy Cane's advice.
queenie01 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 But how much time is too long before they return. In my case my ex broke up with me, he was having doubts regarding us and his feelings, said "something was missing from our relationship" We basically got to the routine period of our relationship, we were like a married couple and i admit i was somewhat bored but i loved him....just felt we were going thru a phase, we were out of the honeymoon phase and into the comfortzone... Well its been 4 months now and we have probably spoken a total of maybe 10 times...we see each other all the time too and i wont look at him.. all of our conversations have been via email and most have been initated by him. I finally decided to send him a text message last nite for the first time in 4 months.. we were suppose to go on vacation together last nite, well that was our plan 4 months ago, so i sent him a text saying "hope you have a nice time with your family in Michigan, drive safe and have fun" I never got a reply back.... That is the last he will ever hear from me tho... Is 4 months too long already for him to have regrets?
Drivetildriven Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Jesus Christ, Zoey. Are you my ex girlfriend? If not, your initial thread describes her to the letter. You're gonna all but kill him and you will regret it one day. You two need to communicate. Being together and loving, wanting, having passion for someone is more than a feeling, or anything to do with being comfortable. It's a choice. And if you think the grass is greener on the other side you have some growing up to do. I'm assuming your bf is a great guy. My ex is 24 and we dated for three years. She is the youngest 24 year old I know, if you catch my drift. You can make it work and it can be great, if you choose to. But it's a choice. Otherwise you just led him on for three years.
Rocko Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Jesus Christ, Zoey. Are you my ex girlfriend? If not, your initial thread describes her to the letter. You're gonna all but kill him and you will regret it one day. You two need to communicate. Being together and loving, wanting, having passion for someone is more than a feeling, or anything to do with being comfortable. It's a choice. And if you think the grass is greener on the other side you have some growing up to do. I'm assuming your bf is a great guy. My ex is 24 and we dated for three years. She is the youngest 24 year old I know, if you catch my drift. You can make it work and it can be great, if you choose to. But it's a choice. Otherwise you just led him on for three years. You must not have read her latest post. And Yes, to be honest it seems like its mostly women who are having this grass is greener mentality.
queenie01 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Hey I beg to differ, my ex boyfriend is having the grass is greener syndrome! What kind of a guy texts his gf in the morning to say "morning babe love you" and breaks up with her the same nite saying i just dont think things are working out, i have have doubts and i think something is missing from our relationship etc... Real nice...we never even fought and then he said it wasnt an easy decision because i was such a great gf and did more for him then anyone... HELLLOOO does that make sense? Well 4 months later and he still isnt dating anyone! Some people need to realize that perfection does not exist nor does the perfect relationship.
Candy Cane Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 But how much time is too long before they return. In my case my ex broke up with me, he was having doubts regarding us and his feelings, said "something was missing from our relationship" We basically got to the routine period of our relationship, we were like a married couple and i admit i was somewhat bored but i loved him....just felt we were going thru a phase, we were out of the honeymoon phase and into the comfortzone... Well its been 4 months now and we have probably spoken a total of maybe 10 times...we see each other all the time too and i wont look at him.. all of our conversations have been via email and most have been initated by him. I finally decided to send him a text message last nite for the first time in 4 months.. we were suppose to go on vacation together last nite, well that was our plan 4 months ago, so i sent him a text saying "hope you have a nice time with your family in Michigan, drive safe and have fun" I never got a reply back.... That is the last he will ever hear from me tho... Is 4 months too long already for him to have regrets? I think you should really look at him, Queenie. Look at him when you see him and smile. Maybe even say hi. If he emails you, email him back. Tell him how GREAT everything is. Don't act like you want to get back together. Don't act sad. Nothing wrong with your email. I think it's great that you did that. Personally, I don't think he's going to return if you: 1) act bummed that he's gone, and 2) never initiate contact. There's a time to stay away and a time to initiate contact. If he writes you back, maybe even ask him out for a cup of coffee as friends. If he says yes, then go out and have a great time, but don't talk about the relationship. Don't make plans again with him. Let him the next time. If you love him, you might as well take some steps to get him back. Closing the door forever, in my opinion, won't get that accomplished. Just my opinion.
Rocko Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I think you should really look at him, Queenie. Look at him when you see him and smile. Maybe even say hi. If he emails you, email him back. Tell him how GREAT everything is. Don't act like you want to get back together. Don't act sad. Nothing wrong with your email. I think it's great that you did that. Personally, I don't think he's going to return if you: 1) act bummed that he's gone, and 2) never initiate contact. There's a time to stay away and a time to initiate contact. If he writes you back, maybe even ask him out for a cup of coffee as friends. If he says yes, then go out and have a great time, but don't talk about the relationship. Don't make plans again with him. Let him the next time. If you love him, you might as well take some steps to get him back. Closing the door forever, in my opinion, won't get that accomplished. Just my opinion. Beautiful Advice. If it doesn't work, "DAIC."
Rocko Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Hey I beg to differ, my ex boyfriend is having the grass is greener syndrome! What kind of a guy texts his gf in the morning to say "morning babe love you" and breaks up with her the same nite saying i just dont think things are working out, i have have doubts and i think something is missing from our relationship etc... Real nice...we never even fought and then he said it wasnt an easy decision because i was such a great gf and did more for him then anyone... HELLLOOO does that make sense? Well 4 months later and he still isnt dating anyone! Some people need to realize that perfection does not exist nor does the perfect relationship. True perfection comes in learning to love your SO's imperfections.
Rocko Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 From henceforth I dub this...Happy Relationship Paranoia. *HPR*
Fallen_Angel Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 Wow. Quite a simple word to say, after reading through all of this thread, but still...I completely know where you're coming from. My ex dumped me five months ago after a three and a half year relationship with some crap about being unsure if he wanted to marry me, didn't see his feelings for me progressing, blah freakin' blah. I loved him with all my heart. If he felt that things were getting too "comfortable" (which surely happens when you're with the same person for any length of time!), I wish he could have discussed such feelings with me so we could work through it, instead of bailing. I'm with Queenie. It's you STUPID MEN who have grass is greener syndrome!!!! I'm quite glad you've realized you shouldn't settle for anything less than 100%. And you're right in giving your ex space. After all, people only miss things once they're truly gone, right? I can't stand how some guys seem to be convinced that relationships are all about sparks. Yes, the beginning of the relationship has sparks flying all around! You're combustible! You can't be apart! But it doesn't last forever. Both parties have to be committed to tending to the spark. I know I was, but my ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand ex apparently got too worn out from dealing with grad school to bother with me. I didn't make demands on his time either! Grrr. Hang in there, Zoey. The first few days are the worst. I know I don't sound as though I've made a lot of progress myself, but I'm trying.
StillWaiting2 Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 Hello I think that you should throw in the towel. At 18 uears old I had a 7 year relationship that was 4 years too long til i was 25. I knew it wasn't right in our 3rd year, i hung in there & tried to tough it out & got caught up & 4 more years passed!! I knew that I should have ended it sooner but didn't. & it caused more damage then good. I wasted the best years of my life on this man. If you don't feel it after 3 years, u know its time to move on. Don;'t waste his time & mainly, don't waste yours. Life is way too short. Its going to be hard, but if u stay in a relationship that u know is no good, u r really hurting him more !! When mine ended i was then 25, thank god i was still young. If u don't feel it by now, let it go.
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