Failure to attract anyone; need some insight

[Nashoba]

Hello, all.

I am a 24-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend. Of all the guys I know, I'm the only one who is still a virgin and has never even had a first kiss. In my entire life, no girl has ever shown any real interest in me. I'm wondering if anyone can help me figure out what's wrong with me that I don't already realize, and how to solve these problems.

First off, I'm a nerd. I'm into video games, Star Wars, Transformers, Lord of the Rings. I love reading fiction and writing. I play piano and flute. I'm into wildlife conservation. I'm a big fan of soccer (this is only a problem in the U.S., where it's widely considered to be a "girly" or "gay" sport). I am very interested in science (particularly quantum physics) and history (mainly Japanese history/culture). I graduated Summa Cum Laude because I'm an academic super-trier. I work at an art museum. This all combines to form problem #1, since a poll done of American women ages 18-35 about what type of guy is least attractive resulted in a 56% leading response of "nerds."

Secondly, I'm a dreaded "nice guy." Every dating guide I've read says that the biggest mistake you can make is being a nice guy; that girls only go for "jerks" because "nice guys" are seen as weak, boring, cowardly, and effeminate. I can't help it that I'm polite and respectful. I don't swear, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and I value good morals. I'm not some stiff and formal uber-conservative guy, though; I'm considered by my friends to be the jokester, prankster, and daredevil of the group. Regardless, women tend to brush me aside the second they find out I don't drink, let alone experience the rest of what I'm like. Meanwhile, it seems like most females nowadays are in relationships with abusive douchebags...I guess the dating guides are correct.

Third, I'm kind of shy around women. This is the result of years of being disliked by them. I try to make conversation sometimes, but it rarely works. Because I'm so quiet, girls think I'm creepy. I've heard girls describe me (to others) as a freak. That doesn't help me any.

Lastly, I'm not overly attractive. Sure, I don't rate a "Gary Busey" on the ugly scale, but being 5'9, 200lbs, and average-looking doesn't allow girls to overlook my personality flaws very much.

So I'm wonder what I can possibly do to fix this. Girls always seem to ignore me when they're not blatantly turned off by me; they never see anything worthwhile about me. I realize that I'm kind of an uncharismatic bore, and my interests aren't cool. Should I completely change who and what I am so that I can finally have a chance with romance? Some of my friends have suggested that I start drinking, but I'd rather not except as a last resort. Or should I just accept the fact that some people just don't get to experience this kind of love? I suppose I could shave my head and join a Buddhist monastery...

Seriously, this is getting to be too much. Many of my relatives legitimately think I'm gay because I've never had a girlfriend; whenever they ask I have to say "I don't have time for relationships" because I'd rather not say "It's because I'm a loser."

Usually when I bring this subject up online, responses range from, "Yeah you are a freak, just give up" to "Go kill yourself," but I'm hoping for something more substantial here.

Thank you for reading this, and thank you even more if you reply; it means a lot to me.

[thatone]

marry verhrzn, have lots of babies.

[verhrzn]

Dr. NerdLove has lots of great advice for guys in your position; check him out.

[metalambience]

I'm in the same boat as you, 24 and still a virgin/ no real relationship and super nerdy (and hate getting drunk)

 

check out pick-up-artist-forum and books for sales people (ex. How to Win Friends and Influence People), it has a lot of good stuff...that helped me make progress, at least in areas outside of dating. For example I'm a medical student and I got so good at charming/building rapport with my patients that 9/10 go out of their way to tell the attending physicians how much they love me; one even told me a year later I'm the reason she quit smoking

 

and of course practice with conversation makes perfect; so talk to anyone you see anywhere (except drunk guys since they might want to fight you); your goal should be to elicit at much information from them while saying just enough about you so that they relate to you and thus give you their trust---eveyone loves talking about themselves

 

museums, concerts, festivals, meetups, volunteering, outings, hobbyist clubs (ex scuba group, rock climbing gym, paintball arena) all are great to meet people w/o alcohol

Edited May 7, 2012 by metalambience

[Fondue]

Attend events that are better suited to your interests, IMO. For example, if you're a "nerd," you might want to check out that comic-con and PAX, or whatever they call it. And maybe those video game conventions. I never been to any, but I have a couple of friends that are in a similar situation as you.

 

They all say the best place to meet women that enjoy their company are those particular events/places. They say the women share their similar likes/dislikes, and that makes it easier to attract them, or something?

 

Try it for yourself?

[Nistan]

What do you want in the relationship front? A stable relationship or just some fun?

[Pierre]

What do you want in the relationship front? A stable relationship or just some fun?

 

I suspect the OP will take anything.

 

I noted OP is overweight and he should consider a dating site for overweight people. At 200 lbs and 5' 9" he will do quite well.

[OhHey]

Seriously, this is getting to be too much. Many of my relatives legitimately think I'm gay because I've never had a girlfriend;

 

 

37 here, never kissed a girl. When people at work tell you they don't mind gay people in order to get you to confess it to them, it gets very annoying.

I had one guy tell me this...told me he doesn't care if I am gay or what. The guys are just curious, don't let it bother you.

 

They are too ignorant to realize that other things exist other than being gay that prevent us from getting a GF.

 

Do they really want me to confess or do I even want to confess to them that I have a confidence problem due to being harassed about my face and being ugly and that I do not feel good enough to attract any girl? Also that I am deathly scared of being in a relationship and all the crap that goes wrong that can really kill you?

 

I ended up getting in a fight at that job with one of them and was fired. I couldn't take the stupid BS any longer.

 

I now work with girls and I like it better than working with "manly men" that require lots of tits and deer kills to feel like a man.. However working with girls makes this being gay thing even worse lol.

Just can't win....I even told my mom outright that I am not effin gay....I can't explain how effing annoying having to say something like that and while saying it, you can't even believe you had to say it.

 

Just wanted to let you know, you're among some that get it. Oh and welcome to LS...use the report button if someone flings crap to you.

 

Also....I'm not talking about being gay as something bad....just that when you don't have a GF and people think you're gay, it is annoying. Truth is that they don't effin understand is that even if I am gay with this confidence problem...I wouldn't have a Boyfriend either!

[FitChick]

I have a confidence problem due to being harassed about my face and being ugly

 

Have you gone for a consultation with a plastic surgeon?

[ThaWholigan]

I'm just a shade younger than you, and in the same position. Except you seem to do a lot more than I do at the moment, right now I'm sitting in my dads work-room writing a business plan with no money .

 

I digress......this is what has been helping me slowly gain some confidence and soon will suffice.....

 

What you need to do is re-evaluate your position in life. The more you worry about attracting women currently, the worse it will feel that you cannot. Take your mind away from attracting women for a short while and focus on you. What do you want out of life? How do you want to get it? Are you comfortable with your progression?

 

After that, comes the action. Are you happy with your physical health? Find a workout good for you. Play a sport you like. Will help you build a social circle too. Take up a martial art even. That will certainly help. Try a new interest and see if you like it!

 

I would also suggest that you sharpen up socially. If women find you a bore, it maybe because you're having trouble coming across charismatically. The first thing you should do is accept the person you are, and build from there. Become comfortable with you. Then you can build on your character more. Doing this has helped me tenfold, especially after being diagnosed with autism a few years ago now.

 

I can't help you beyond that really, unless you trawl through the nearly 2000 posts I've made in the short time I've been here as there are probably some gems , but being that you identify as a nerd, I would advise you to look for some information torrents on google. This has helped me a great deal too.

[matte123]

Practice on speaking to people. It might be hard at first but it'll help a lot. It's hard to talk to someone who is really quiet. The good thing about you is that you have a variety of interests which can really help give you topics to talk to people about. I would suggest not only talking about your interest but also speak to other people about their interest. Also you may want to attend events that interest you. You're more likely to find people with similar interest to talk to. You don't have to drink alcohol or go against your other values to get girls.

[Bob_Funk]

Your situation is actually very common nowadays (thanks, feminism). If I weren't so stubborn, I could've EASILY ended up a kissless virgin.

 

The first thing you need to do is lose a lot of weight. If you're over 15% body fat, you're not even in the running for girls who are at 40%. Ideally, you want to be below 10% with some muscle.

 

Your personality quirks are neither an asset nor a hindrance. Girls simply don't care. One of the most successful womanizers I've met would be considered a nerd by any standard. Picture, if you will, a male model obsessing about anime.

 

You know what needs to be done. Good luck.

[ThaWholigan]

For the record, I know what it's like for people to think you are gay because you find it hard to date. My mother actually stopped talking to members of my family because they came to her (behind my back of course) enquiring if I was gay.

 

Keep playing Soccer (football) by the way. I live in London, and soccer is the absolute opposite of girly here. It will get you to a functioning level of fitness. I used to play, but I was god awful at it . At best, I was a poor man's Didier Drogba .

[Feelsgoodman]

So I'm wonder what I can possibly do to fix this.

Three things:

 

1. Start exercising and obtain a lean and muscular physique. This will not only make you more attractive but also put you in the right mindset. Remember that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand.

 

2. Develop intertests that are less nerdy. Let's face it, nerds are pretty boring people and not fun to be around. There is nothing wrong with liking quantum physics or playing the flute as long as you also have other, less nerdy interests. Instead of videogames, star wars and all that other crap, develop an interest in cars, motorcycles, surfing or what have you.

 

3. Do you best to put yourself out there and become more social. The fastest and easiest way to do that is getting a job that requires extensive interaction with other people, such as sales or customer service (in other words, the exact opposite of what you are doing now working at the art gallery).

Edited May 8, 2012 by Feelsgoodman

[Eddie Edirol]

Start drinking. You wont become an alcoholic, so dont worry. But when you tell women that you dont drink, youre basically telling them (as a nerd) that you dont know what youre doing socially. No one wants that. Learn to drink with your boys, you dont have to get drunk.

 

YOu have a choice, you dont have to completely change your hobbies. You can either lose weight, and learn to dress to look better to women, or you can learn the jerk qualities that women like without being a jerk.

 

nice guys" are seen as weak, boring, cowardly, and effeminate. I can't help it that I'm polite and respectful. I don't swear, I don't drink,

 

Nice guys fall in love with women, befor the women fall for them, which encapsulates what you said. The rest just makes you boring and ininteresting. So pick up some dating psychology, put down the games and research what women want, start swearing, losing weight, dressing better, and learn how to talk to women and you can keep your hobbies.

 

You have to change, because you can see that what youre doing so far isnt working. If you dont want to do any of that, you can see if you can find a woman equivalent to yourself in the gaming community.

[verhrzn]

It really depends on what kind of girl you want. Become the type of person that attracts the kind of girls you want.

 

Honestly, you sound like the kind of guy I'd date (aside from being a little too on the young side.) Toss out your nerdy hobbies, and you might not land the nerdy girl.

 

But pick up a hobby of cars, or surfin, or whatever else is "manly" nowadays, and you could win yourself a ditzy pageant queen or rocker chick.

 

So what is it exactly that you want?

[Feelsgoodman]

Toss out your nerdy hobbies, and you might not land the nerdy girl.

And who's want to "land" that?? Even nerdy guys don't like nerdy girls.

[ohmygoshistalk]

i found myself holding my breath when i read your post cause i thought you were someone i know.

 

i like someone who is like almost you except probably even nerdier, now i am not saying nerd in a bad way, like nerd-ish that you dont do the stuff people deem as cool or w./e.

 

anyway from my experience its the nerdy guy who whines about being a virgin blah blah are the ones that probably dont even want a gf.

 

the so called "playas" who can get any girl they want are the ones who are more forthcoming and likely to be in a relationship given the chance that there is a girl who in their standards can meet their expectations as gf material.

 

so there ive had it w/ people who claim to be nerds yet dont really want a gf.

 

**** that.

[FrustratedStandards]

I suspect the OP will take anything.

 

I noted OP is overweight and he should consider a dating site for overweight people. At 200 lbs and 5' 9" he will do quite well.

 

Or he should lose the weight.

 

This is exactly why no one likes online dating. People like the OP who can't find a girl in real life think they will have a better chance online. This in turn allows him to avoid the actual problem of working on himself.

 

I love you Pierre but I disagree big time on this one.

 

OP, hit the gym. You being overweight is the first problem. Second, it's the shyness. I can understand why, but you need to get out there and be forward, be a go-getter.

 

Last but certainly not least, NERDS ROCK AND I LOVE THEM! There is absolutely nothing wrong with dorkiness. <3

[Nistan]

How much do you smile? Smile infront of the mirror everyday. Learn it and get used to how it looks. Are you used to laughing? Train on it if not. Compile a list of things that make you smile and look for these things in your daily life. smile when you find them. Laugh if you don't.

 

How comfortable are you with your own sexuality. It seems to me that you have friends. So you have some social skills. Get comfortable being a sexual being.

 

Are you comfortable being a nerd? If not not, would you like to be soemthing else or do you want have that identity. If you like being a nerd learn to have pride in this. Do corny stuff like say "I am a nerd and i'm prod of it" ten times a day infront of a mirror. Smile while doing so.

 

While you are doing so. Talk to people. Not just girls but people. Actualy talk to as many people that you can This doesn't mean that you should chicken out and only talk to guys. Talk to girls also. Smile while doing so. Compile a list of things that you would like to know about everybody(like what their age are or what they like doing. Or what color of power ranger they like) and try to come up with creative ways of asking these questions. Protip: don't force these questions. If a conversation stops or are going in another direction, let it.

 

Learn to be decisive. Have a daily plan and do it. Prioritize: Who do I like to talk to and why, what do I want to do this week and what and who don't I have time with?

Learn to say what you want and what you like.

 

Make people come to you. If they don't, **** em. Learn to have fun on your own, without them.

 

While doing all of this. Work out. Make it like a video game. Download an sport app that measures your progress with the help of charts and other vidual aid and set goals for yourself(I want to run this far this fast by this date) and feel the satisfaction of leveling up. Use games to get in shape. There are alot of dance games for xbox kinect that can be quite a workout if you get into it.

[ascendotum]

anyway from my experience its the nerdy guy who whines about being a virgin blah blah are the ones that probably dont even want a gf.

 

the so called "playas" who can get any girl they want are the ones who are more forthcoming and likely to be in a relationship given the chance that there is a girl who in their standards can meet their expectations as gf material.

 

so there ive had it w/ people who claim to be nerds yet dont really want a gf.

 

**** that.

 

IDK, with playas what's your definition of a relationship....3 mths or part time fwb? Playas have more of the mind set that if they have got a sexy girl into bed on the first night on say 5 (or 10 or 20) past occasions then they can do it again and again, until they are ready to settle down or when they have their expectations surpassed. By definition, they are not relationship orientated.

 

Also you are a bit harsh here on the nerds. You have slammed them, but then you say they "probably dont even want a gf." You can't convict a whole class of people on a probably.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The main problem with your situation is you're at a huge disadvantage when it comes to experience with women, you're going to just not handle yourself right...you'll do and say the wrong things without even knowing it and talking about your interest with women who don't share the same kind will often times come off boring and uninteresting especially If they can't understand and you can't explain it in simplistic terms (which is normally the case for people who don't know anything about a subject).

 

There are a lot of challenges for you but I'll just dive right into it for the sake of not making this too long..

 

Remember I'm speaking in terms of the dating world, this is not the nice little world where everyone expects people just to be themselves and that's it...there is some effort that's required and a general understanding of the dating dynamic which will help you greatly because it can be a shallow and superficial world where you won't even get your foot in the door if you don't have at least some of your crap together...

Physical appearance

 

This is where it all starts, and when people have trouble in the dating world as much as you have, this the first thing that comes to mind..

 

Unfortunately as much as people want to pretend this is not a factor, It's a BIG factor for two reasons...It definitely helps with attraction and It also greatly helps self-esteem, you look good you feel good, and you've got to dress for the occasion so-to-speak.

 

Because you haven't dated and you don't know the opinions of women you generally might not even notice or be aware of these factors/issues;

 

Exercise -Do you need to have a hot bod or even semi-hot bod to attract women? of course not, but it sure as hell helps, and most importantly there is little that makes you feel better about yourself than how you look and feel.

 

You need an overall make-over, something that's going to make you feel different yet the same...I know this seems extreme or like you're changing who you are but you're not, you're being the best you that you can be...and the dating world is not a friendly/cozy place, you are critiqued from head to toe and anyone who's had any experience with it knows how judgmental of a world it can be.

 

Unfortunately you are not the tallest guy in the world, so It's going to make you even look shorter and rounder and unless you're interested in the women with the same body type (which surprisingly even they may not date overweight guys ironically enough) you're going to have a hard time with some women regardless, but it will greatly help If you slim down for many reasons. That's just a fact, not a bash, it's the same for everyone.

 

Do the best you can, any little bit will help.

Dress/style - You don't need to dress like a GQ model, a surfer, or a Ed Hardy/MMA fanboy, but you also DO NOT want to be wearing pants from 1999 that chaff up your butt crack 2x too small, polo shirts with one side of the collar is flat and the other side is sticking up and It's faded, worn down....basically old ****, if you haven't updated your wardrobe in a few years do what can that is affordable (not cheap) and somewhat stylish...there are good trendy stores out there where you'll find something, just go for a style you'd think you'd like or already feel comfortable wear and simply update it and get some half-decent clothes that also fit you.

 

Try something out of the box as well, using a females perspective/opinion if possible.

 

Also no "may the force be with you", "transformers in disguise", "one ring to rule them all" t-shirts or what not, these are cool little novelties once in a while, in fact you're probably not this guy but you're getting older and you don't need to bury yourself even more in nerdom than you already are with your style until you learn how to do while still maintaining some trendy factor.

Hygiene -You've got to have your self-care in check which means...

 

- Hair cut or in check...and make sure you are clean shaven, and no uni-brows If you're dealing with that, and all over hair is in check that grows it

 

- Not yellow teeth or walking around with horrid breathe, you're going to blow a woman back 10ft just talking to her If you're dealing with that.

 

- Do you smell good? or do you smell like a wrestlers armpit? Find some nice cologne in the mall, clear deodorant and keep yourself clean

If you're going to be any where near successful with women you've got to have the above in check, you cannot run around like a wild wolverine unless you're an extremely good looking guy where no one would give a damn.

 

You've got to be able to make a good first impression with your appearance, appear to be "normal" and put together to a certain degree, you can't just walk around like that kid in highschool not knowing up from down and with the same insecurity in how you look and feel, you've got to get this in check...It will definitely broaden your prospects.

 

Confidence/interaction

 

You cannot be successful with women If you do not have confidence, no one is going to respect you and no one is going to want to be with you because If you don't value yourself then what woman is going to be under your arm?

 

Forget everything you've learned and conditioned to believe about yourself from the past and start over from the drawing board, the formula to this equation just is not working, it's time to start from scratch.

 

You've got to practice taking risks and being bold, and you have to learn to interact with people and socialize, over come those fears and learn from the mistakes you are making otherwise you're not going to to know how to handle spontaneous interactions, become overly nervous in situations where you need to be open and talkative, tell yourself that "shy" is no longer an option.

 

Realize that you're a grown-up now, NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU WERE IN THE PAST, THEY CARE ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT THEY SEE NOW. If you have a vision of the kind of guy you want to be then you need to take steps to becoming that version of yourself, think of it as an addition rather than taking away from who you are, we are human and always have a potential to grow.

 

Practice simple things like making eye contact during conversation, shaking someones hand confidently, speaking up and clearly, asking people about their day and interest and listening. Let that guard down with people and take the time to talk and interact with them, learn to put a positive spin on the interests that you like without going in great depth, people just try to get a feel for how you carry yourself and what you like, they're not trying to tear you down and judge you, that's your own insecurity and how you say things.

 

Learn to be a good listener, and give feedback based off what the person says and try to understand how they feel. Ask sincere questions and be interested. Don't fiddle, twitch or play with your thumbs, be calm and confident, not intimidated and scared, remind yourself of that.

 

Conclusion

 

There is more I could add of course, those are just some basic things that can really start you off in the right direction. These aren't things you have to do but they will definitely, definitely help.

 

Use your abilities and interest to help you, you like to write and read? Practice expressing yourself and explaining how you feel, interact with people online through social medians, this is going to help you with something called "communication" with women, this is an advantage that you have because you know how to articulate yourself likely better than someone who does not write.

 

When you increase your confidence and self-esteem other things will fall into place, like the nice guy thing...you've got to learn that being the nice guy doesn't mean being the doormat, you've got to respect yourself as well as respecting others, you have to value yourself and understand what you bring to the table in a relationship...you don't have to really drink, cuss, do drugs, or change your morals to accomplish what you want, but you should let loose a little bit and show the whole you to women instead of just that nice guy side...and also, go for more intellectual women rather than the bimbo's your buddies may be hanging around, try to find women with similar interest and values.

 

Oh and there are women who really like the nerdy type of guys, don't count yourself out and lose that side of you, ultimately you're going to be who you are at the end of the day...that won't change, but you'll just know how to make it all gel much better as one whole unit.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[kaylan]

Just my opinion here and how I focus on things in my life.

 

Three things are important in terms of dating. Physical, mental, and emotional maturity are super important. By being mature, ambitious, and successful in these areas, you will make yourself attractive in these areas. You will sum all that up into a big ole ball of grand spiritual maturity and confidence. You will have success in life through hard work and what not.

 

(physical) (mental) (emotional)

Gym/Style + School/Hobbie/Career + Friends/Networking = Confidence = Success in all facets of life.

 

 

Gym/Style -- Looking good is always a great thing. It makes you attractive to all people. Not just sexually either. Studies show that people are friendly to people who look good and take care of themselves. Never mind the health benefits. Next, If you have the fitness down then you gotta make the package look pretty with some nice threads. Doesnt it feel good to go out and look impressive?

 

School/Hobbie/Career -- Maximizing your intellectual and financial potential is something to stay on top of. Be ambitious. Ambition is attractive. Plus, when you do well in school and career wise, the hard work will earn you nice rewards.

 

If you have something you enjoy doing, why not try to be the best at it? I say work hard at your hobbie/passion. Seek out people who have the same interests. By meeting like minded folks and building a cool little network of friends, you open a lot of doors in your life for a buncha things.

 

Friends/Networking -- Its always important and healthy to make close friends and to be a good empathetic person. Having a support network around you truly helps you grow as a person and allows you to hone social skills. Also, by being an empathetic and caring human being, you simply create a larger friends group. Be outgoing, fun, and awesome, and just seek to meet new people when ya can.

 

And one more thing on this point. Having a big friends group is a great way to expand your potential dating pool...and if you have the gym/style and school/career parts down, then once making friends and meeting women shouldnt be hard at all.

 

 

=Confidence -- Having all of those first three things will most likely build some some good confidence. Why shouldnt it? If you look good you feel good. If you succeed in school and work, you will feel even better. And if you have great friends to share experiences with, whats there to complain about? Am I right.

 

= Success in all facets of life -- This last part needs no explaination really. Its simply a sum of all Ive written. I dont think anyone would not feel like a success if they had a good handle on all the points Ive made.

 

Get on it OP. Dont sit and worry too much about life. Go out and make things happen. Make a plan. Make a list of what you want to do, tape it on your bedroom wall as a daily reminder...then put pics next to the list, and just motivate yourself to get things done.

[smith9800]

Hey doesnt matter...Its not too late.. you can start a new life of relationship now....

[kaylan]

Lmao...I didnt read page 2 of this thread before I made my previous post. I basically summarized what Ninja said. Haha I feel stupid. Anyways I cosign everything he said.

 

PS - you are wrong about soccer OP. Women love a fit sporty guy, so try and get into super soccer shape. You should of seen the girls who dating the soccer team jocks on my college campus.

 

And Im from NY btw...so Im American too. Im a huge soccer fan myself and Ive never heard a girl say anything about it. Actually, Ive heard many girls mention how hot they found Ronaldo or Beckham to be once I mentioned my love for soccer.

 

Btw, its VERY possible to be a nerd/intellectual, and still be an attractive, sporty, and sexy guy. People are complex. The reason nerds got voted low on that little poll you brought up is because people usually think of lazy. geeky, wimpy, and weak men when they think of a nerd. But like I said, people are complex so that doesnt have to be the case.

Edited May 8, 2012 by kaylan