BrittanyT Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hi:) My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. We live together now, and we are getting married next June. HOWEVER- I feel like I may have pressured him into the marriage thing. He was against it when I first met him, and I brought it up alot before we moved in together just to see what his intentions were. I asked him last night what changed his mind and he said because he "knows" he wants to be with me ect...I have given him many opportunities to wait a few years, but he says he doesnt want to. Can a man change his mind on such a serious thing in such a short time? Or did I push him into asking?
fucpcg Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 10 months is not nearly long enough to date before proposing to someone. How old are you? I'd assume in your 20's.... if fair enough, then you are expecting to spend the rest of your 50 or so coming years, happily, with a person you know for 10 months? If it's for the next 5 or so decades, what's the rush?
Author BrittanyT Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 We are in our late 30's. I have given him plenty of time to wait, he says he's ready now to get married, doesnt want to wait. So at first I was maybe rushing it, which I now think may be the only reason he proposed so soon.
thatone Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 yeah you did, but there's no way to know how it'll turn out at this point. fwiw what you did is a bad idea no matter the outcome. because there's no way to know what he really thinks. you told him what to do and he did it, that's all we've got to go on.
Author BrittanyT Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Why is it a bad thing that I asked him "where" we were going and his thoughts of marriage before we moved in together? I think it was the right thing to do. I just dont know if I really did pressure him by asking those questions. Or if he just changed his mind and views of marriage.
NeverDated Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 We are in our late 30's. I have given him plenty of time to wait, he says he's ready now to get married, doesnt want to wait. So at first I was maybe rushing it, which I now think may be the only reason he proposed so soon. I think you're going to get a lot of advice and feedback from people who are well outside your demographic. For the record, I don't think you did anything wrong. He's a grown man. If he didn't want to marry you, he wouldn't have proposed. You wouldn't be living together. You wouldn't have a wedding in the works. Maybe you did pressure him, but he made the call to pop the question.
thatone Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Why is it a bad thing that I asked him "where" we were going and his thoughts of marriage before we moved in together? I think it was the right thing to do. I just dont know if I really did pressure him by asking those questions. Or if he just changed his mind and views of marriage. he may have changed his mind, there's no way for us to know. in general, look at this from a man's standpoint... there is no practical benefit to a marriage that is not provided from simply living with your girlfriend. i'm assuming that at your age you're not planning on having children, you'd both be in your 60s before they're out of the house. so eliminating that, what's in it for him? there is no social pressure for men to be married. there's a lot of downside, and very little upside. in the event of divorce he loses money and material things in all likelihood. if he breaks up with a girlfriend he loses nothing. personally, the idea of being pushed toward marriage just rubs me the wrong way and would get me looking for the exit. it tells me that the girl doing the pushing is in all likelihood not very much 'wife' material, because by doing so she's telling me that "you're ok, but what i REALLY need is a wedding and the ability to change my facebook status to married, because my sister and my friends got to do that and that's what society has told me to do, so if you aren't looking to go to a wedding with me then i'll find someone who is". it's a reckless and selfish notion, there's no way to present it otherwise. but again, that's just my personal opinion, read into it whatever you like. how is it that you two are unmarried in your late 30s? what is your history versus his? fwiw i'm 35, never married, never wanted to be, but have had long term relationships and am in one now (and no more excited about marriage than i was at 25).
Author BrittanyT Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 We both have been married before. And have children with these ex's. So I guess its safe to say, maybe he did just change, and now wants a marriage.
thatone Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 ok that's a better picture to work from. i think it would be perfectly normal for him to be highly hesitant about getting into another marriage when he's still suffering every month until his kids are grown from the last one, in the form of those child support checks. are you planning on more children? i'm assuming not, unless you tell us you are. if you are that's a whole other can of worms.
Author BrittanyT Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Nope no more kids. And he doesnt pay support because he has him half the time. And she cheated on him, so I understand why he was hesitant.
Pierre Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Why is it a bad thing that I asked him "where" we were going and his thoughts of marriage before we moved in together? I think it was the right thing to do. I just dont know if I really did pressure him by asking those questions. Or if he just changed his mind and views of marriage. Many folks in the board are in favor of women chasing men, women asking men out, women asking men for phone numbers, and women paying for dinner in dates. These are the same folks that scream bloody murder because you told your guy you want marriage after moving in together???????? You and BF are in your 30s and this is the time to get married. You did nothing wrong. I wish more women were more like you. 1
thatone Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 since you're not planning more kids and his situation with his ex is better than most, i would say the potential for disaster is pretty small on his part and therefore wouldn't worry too much about it. from a purely rational standpoint, it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot to be worried about.
kaylan Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 10 months is WAY too early for marriage imo. Hold your horses kids.
smith9800 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 difficult but not impossible..Make him feel that how much you loved him and how much he loves you...
Radu Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Many folks in the board are in favor of women chasing men, women asking men out, women asking men for phone numbers, and women paying for dinner in dates. These are the same folks that scream bloody murder because you told your guy you want marriage after moving in together???????? You and BF are in your 30s and this is the time to get married. You did nothing wrong. I wish more women were more like you. No Pierre, i'm one of those ppl and i can tell you that GF proposing to me would be hot and quite memorable. Those ppl would scream bloody murder for 2 reasons in this case : 1- only 10 months together and already marriage ? 2- he didn't want to and she consented by going further with the relationship, they moved in and she started talking about it; if i was in his case that's what i would have something against. I hope it works out for you, it does sound like you pressured but we can't figure it out by you writing just half a page when you know your own life better. So ... are you posting because you want to be told that you didn't do a 'bad thing' in the end ?
Pierre Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 No Pierre, i'm one of those ppl and i can tell you that GF proposing to me would be hot and quite memorable. Those ppl would scream bloody murder for 2 reasons in this case : 1- only 10 months together and already marriage ? 2- he didn't want to and she consented by going further with the relationship, they moved in and she started talking about it; if i was in his case that's what i would have something against. I hope it works out for you, it does sound like you pressured but we can't figure it out by you writing just half a page when you know your own life better. So ... are you posting because you want to be told that you didn't do a 'bad thing' in the end ? Why move in together if marriage is not in the picture? Why pretend to play the marriage game by living together and at the same time say I am not ready for marriage?
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