heatherfeather Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 long story short, my man and I are on the outs again. this has to be the 3rd time now we have called it off. He has 2 divorces under his belt and several failed relationships, one which resulted in him having a son(he h as full custody). He told me last night that he is emotionally numb to anyone except his son. Can these guys change or am I wasting my breath here. I love him and I know he loves me (or maybe it was pretend when he said he did). But I am at the point that I need more from the relationship. If I leave him it just reinforces the walls that he put up from the other women who have left him.
A O Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Can these guys change or am I wasting my breath here. I love him and I know he loves me (or maybe it was pretend when he said he did). But I am at the point that I need more from the relationship. If I leave him it just reinforces the walls that he put up from the other women who have left him. People can change, but it takes time and a lot of (outside) help. Your man isn't ready for change as the yoyo nature of your relationship highlights. Staying with him for "his" benefit is not good for you. It looks to me that the others have gotten out because they've seen what you're seeing now. Your chances of emotional fulfilment are slim with this guy. . 2
Author heatherfeather Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Thanks AO! On top of this stuff, he also has PTSD from serving in the military for 9 years and three of them being overseas in the war. I have offered to go with him to go see a Dr.at the Vet Hospital locally. As soon as we get close he shuts himself down and pulls away. My question I need to ask him is then why call me and want to spend time with me etc...didn't he think that things would eventually progress? I also told him that I was worried what this YO YO thing was doing to his 3 year old who I absolutly love unconditionally and the little man loves me. I talked to the little guy tonight for awhile and he so wanted me to come over to read him a bed time story. I don't want this stuff to effect him negatively...little ones are so impressionable at that age.
firehawk_1 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 why are you trying to change someone? remember, women dont like being "changed" - not that men really do that but even a slight comment or view of the man causes all hell to break loose. dont change him. you either love him, or you dont. its simple. (again, this is the same advice women give to men all the time)
Author heatherfeather Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I change all the time...it is called growing and learning from experiences. However some people get stuck. I am not trying to change him like you think, I am trying to show him that he can open up and I won't hurt him like the other women in his life that did.
A O Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My question I need to ask him is then why call me and want to spend time with me etc...didn't he think that things would eventually progress? You need to ask yourself - what do you want? What kind of relationship do you want - what makes you happy! Your focus Heather is misplaced - too much on him and not enough on youself! Communication is a basic tenet of meaningful relationships. Emotional fulfilment is a must-have for most women. Your relationship is lacking in both. You need to know what you want, what makes a happy, meaningful relationship for you and then find a man who lives up to or comes close to your ideal. Most relationships either do not last long or meander along at a less than satisfactory level with the dynamics you've described. In short, your focus needs to change to concentrating on your own happiness moreso than someone else's. I also told him that I was worried what this YO YO thing was doing to his 3 year old who I absolutly love unconditionally and the little man loves me. I talked to the little guy tonight for awhile and he so wanted me to come over to read him a bed time story. I don't want this stuff to effect him negatively...little ones are so impressionable at that age.Kids are sweet. But if you can't have a meaningful relationship with the parent then it will be all for nought. Remember, your primary relationship is with the father and not the child (as is the case for all relationships that include children). .
spiderowl Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) He says he's emotionally numb. What does that mean? It means he doesn't feel anything for you or allow himself to. I know you'd rather believe the latter but that's his choice too. You have to allow him to be an adult, to be in control of himself to a certain extent. He is choosing not to get too involved. I presume he is getting everything from your relationship that he needs and it's just you who isn't. There is something wrong with the power balance there. Maybe you need to take your power back and refuse to wait for him to start having the feelings you want. Believe me, people are also grown up toddlers - if they haven't got a boundary they carry on with 'bad behaviour' until someone draws one in the sand. If you say it's not enough for you and back out, he may give up on you. But, do you want to be someone who is never going to give you the credit you deserve for being such an important part of his life? Also, guys want sex. Yes, I know women do too. But a guy will stay in a 'relationship' because he is getting sex, as long as it suits him. A woman tends to feel she needs the emotional commitment too. Your guy is getting both but you are not. Is that fair? Edited May 13, 2012 by spiderowl
carhill Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 There's a reason for two divorces and numerous failed relationships. A canary. He says he's emotionally numb except towards his son. Believe him.
blueskyday Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Third time is a charm! If this is your third breakup, that means you have tried to work things out, and you can't change the dynamic. Don't worry about him, his walls, etc. If he wants to work on that stuff, then you can stick with him. If he doesn't, then you have to go. Don't make excuses for him. I've learned the hard way that emotionally unavailable men are simply unavailable men. It doesn't matter why they can't give you the emotional stability and openness you deserve, it only matters that they can't. End of story. Would you stick with an alcoholic who still drinks? Heck, no. You'd stay only if he was in recovery, in therapy, and doing the right thing....even if it's hard. Gee, what if a guy said that would be too hard to stay faithful, so he just can't do it and will be cheating? See? It's the same thing with emotional unavailability. These guys play the victim. They don't say, "It's me, baby. I will work on it. I will show up in the relationship and be emotionally open and responsive, even if I'm scared." No. They say, "Oh, I'm scared and emotionally walled off," like you have to live with it. You don't. Cruise. Sorry to say it bluntly, but it is very simple. I wish someone had told me like that. We women tend to be very tender-hearted and empathetic. It's a good thing with the right man. With the wrong man, it's destructive to both parties. Go find a man who is open and available. You won't have to fight with him about these things. You will be compatible! 1
pillowcase Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 He actually told you he's emotionally numb? That's practically guy code for 'sure the sex is good, but a real grown-up relationship...? Fuhgeddabouddit.' Get out now is my advice. Either way, I hope it works out for you.
Author heatherfeather Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 I learned more about Combat PTSD...one of the symtoms is being "emotionally numb"..as a former solider (he is only 9 months out) I have a feeling he is dealing with more complex issues then I will ever have the capacity to understand. I have offered to go with him to get help. And yes I stuck by my dad who is an alcoholic which whether you think is wrong or right...he is still my dad...a now happy recoverying alcoholic.
ItsNeverForever Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 Heather, I'm going through almost exactly the same thing. It's so hard to be definitive & put your foot down on just how much we're expected to / willing to tolerate, as if they truly don't understand how rotten it feels to be on the receiving end of their bad behavior. Maybe they don't, but I find it really hard to believe that grown men don't know exacting what they're doing...unless they're partially lobotomized or something. Hey, wait - maybe a lobotomy is the solution! Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. You can PM me any time if you need to vent. {{{hug}}} 1
Mary Shadows Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I seem to always end up with men who are emotionally unavailable as well. I relate to you 100%.
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