Reconciliation, what is it?

[wellwhynot]

I have been trying to get a grasp on how reconciliation is defined. Is it a personal definition that will be subjective based on each person? I don't want to make assumtions when someone says they are reconciled if I'm wrong. I don't want to assume that means that they are trusting their spouse or have forgiven them or whatever.

Does it mean being back together with your spouse, things "as they were" before? although really I'm not sure how they'd ever be the SAME, even if they are amicable, even peaceful and happy, so that's not really what I mean, I just can't figure out how to phrase it differently.

Does it mean that you stay in a life where you forever resent that person?

or is somehow coming to a place where you can work through the past together and move on to a new life?

I guess I just am wondering because I see a lot of posts that say that they have been reconciled for 5 years, or 7 years or 3 years or 1 year and the posts still seem so angry, or sad or unhappy and I guess that leads me to wonder what is real reconciliation?

[frozensprouts]

I can only speak for myself, but for us, reconciliation meant that I forgave him for cheating, and he would work to try and find out what it was in him that made cheating seem like a viable option. It meant that the two of us agreed to do the very hard work of making our marriage better, and addressing the issues that were in our marriage.

 

About the sadness, anger, etc. that you see in the posts from those who have reconciled. Speaking for myself, it's not sadness/anger in the present, more like a memory of the sadness, anger, whatever from that time, and a sense of regret over the 'loss of innocence" about some things.

[findingnemo]

If it was I who was reconciling, it would mean a number of things. It would mean that my H and I have decided to give our M another chance. We've decided to forgive each other for whatever it is we did or one person did, we are forging ahead in a new direction...together as a family and as a couple.

 

I suspect those who say they are reconciled for X number of years are talking about the new R. It's impossible to go back to what it was before. You'd need a memory eraser to forget that there was infidelity or whatever threat to the M prior to this.

 

As an outsider, I wouldn't question the reconciliation of another couple. Whether the BW is still fooling around or not isn't a basis for me to question it. Why? Because the fact is that the WS CHOSE to stay M. The BS CHOSE to stay M. What else is there to know? The details, the exact phase they are at, whether it's working out or not is something only they know.

 

The bottom line for me is this. Two married people who stay together are off limits not only to my interference as an AP but also to any theories or hypothesis I could have about the whys and other details. What it means to them is irrelevant to me. They are M and choose to remain so. All I have to say is "Good for them!".

[SomedayDig]

Funny, I was talking about the big R with my wife last night. I've listened to all the answers to questions I have asked her about her affair. I stopped at one point while discussing the R and quoted a line from the Matrix (silly, I know but something that means something to US). I said, "Take the red pill and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes or take the blue pill and go back to sleep". I took the red pill. It's scary, but its reality. I don't want to be asleep again. I want to see my wife and build back a marriage that is sound and has a foundation of trust again. While at some point I may forgive, I won't truly forget. We've taken another street on our road in life. I cannot continue in a straight line if I keep looking in the f'ng rearview mirror. Sure, glance back now and again to make sure everything I passed was really there...but focus on the road ahead.

 

Reconciliation was a choice that we both made. While she may have to do most of the heavy lifting in repairing the sh_t she dealt me, I have to still do my part in discovering and learning.

[SandieBeach]

I suppose for me, it would be forgiving my H for having an affair, letting go of that anger that consumes me, and stop judging him for what he did, but judge him for what he is currently doing.

 

It's interesting, this would force us to constantly evaluate each other, rather than look at past acts of our significant other and let those acts define him/her. It would change our relationship from passive to active, which personally, I think is how all relationships should be.

[jwi71]

I have been trying to get a grasp on how reconciliation is defined. Is it a personal definition that will be subjective based on each person? I don't want to make assumtions when someone says they are reconciled if I'm wrong. I don't want to assume that means that they are trusting their spouse or have forgiven them or whatever.

Does it mean being back together with your spouse, things "as they were" before? although really I'm not sure how they'd ever be the SAME, even if they are amicable, even peaceful and happy, so that's not really what I mean, I just can't figure out how to phrase it differently.

Does it mean that you stay in a life where you forever resent that person?

or is somehow coming to a place where you can work through the past together and move on to a new life?

I guess I just am wondering because I see a lot of posts that say that they have been reconciled for 5 years, or 7 years or 3 years or 1 year and the posts still seem so angry, or sad or unhappy and I guess that leads me to wonder what is real reconciliation?

 

For me, reconciliation is actually two interconnected steps/processes.

 

One, reconciliation, in general, is reaching the place where the A is no longer a defining point in the M. IF partners can reach that point, they have reconciled. It's the same process that couples face with other major life traumas, foreclosure, loss of a child and so on.

 

Secondly, the partners must accept the M they once had will never be again. Reconciliation also has a forward-looking component. You can break a mirror but no matter how skillfully one repairs it, you can still the cracks where it was broken. Learning to accept that the mirror will ALWAYS be cracked - and accept it - is also part of reconciling.

 

If a couple can survive the trauma AND accept the M will forever be different, then they can reconcile. If they achieve both, they HAVE reconciled.

[Owl]

There's "personal reconciliation/recovery". That's where the BS finally processes and begins to "get over" the affair. It stop obsessing them daily, they're no longer ask themselves what they did to deserve this, etc... They heal and move on from being in that state.

 

Then there's "marital reconciliaion/recovery". From my perspective, it's NOT "getting back to where things were" nor "living a life of resentment for your partner having cheated". For me, it's getting to a point where the two of you can communicate openly and honestly again, where you both love each other, and where the affair is NOT held over the WS's head like some sword of damoclese, waiting to be brought up at the first minor disagreement. It's where you've healed and learned from the past, let it go, and no longer see it as relevent to where the marriage is today. Forgiveness is key, but shouldn't be given too soon. Trust is restored (but this time without that silly "blind faith that your marriage is immune to something like this because of it's mystical nature that makes it different from everyone else's".

 

It varies I'd guess for some...but that's my view of what it is. It typically takes YEARS to get there after cheating...if ever.

[Danie]

It seems to me that reconciliation of a marriage after an affair never truly ends. But that’s not to say that the affair is the topic to be reconciled. There was a reason that the marriage was fractured. There was a reason that the affair happened. And it’s not because of the OW/OM. The two people in the marriage have to find out what that/those reasons are and always work towards keeping the marriage a healthy place for both to be. To reconcile it takes both partners to be invested in the marriage, in each other, and in themselves. I think much of the time the partner’s each have to do some personal growth type of ‘me’ work and to share their progress with each other.

 

My marriage is never going to be the same as it was, that's ok with me because I view my marriage as a living thing and living things always change.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Danie

[Ninja'sHusband]

I suppose for me, it would be forgiving my H for having an affair, letting go of that anger that consumes me, and stop judging him for what he did, but judge him for what he is currently doing.

 

It's interesting, this would force us to constantly evaluate each other, rather than look at past acts of our significant other and let those acts define him/her. It would change our relationship from passive to active, which personally, I think is how all relationships should be.

This where I wanted to be...but unfortunately I couldn't forgive my STBXW for what she continued to do, which was go to the MA class where OM is.

 

I could forgive the past, but if you forgive something that's ongoing...that's called enabling, not forgiveness.

[drifter777]

it's getting to a point where the two of you can communicate openly and honestly again, where you both love each other, and where the affair is NOT held over the WS's head like some sword of damoclese, waiting to be brought up at the first minor disagreement.

 

I get this part and would suggest that getting to this point may be good enough for most people.

 

It's where you've healed and learned from the past, let it go, and no longer see it as relevent to where the marriage is today.

 

This part, not so much. I think this bar is too high for many couples, especially as it applies to the "no longer see it as relevant". I think that for most of us the betrayal will always be relevant since trust can never be the same and the incident may be forgiven, but never forgotten.

 

I hate phrases like "get over it" or "let it go" but I understand the meaning in this context.

[VivienViolet]

It's making things better than ever! :love:

Aren't you happy for us?

[Spark1111]

I feel the bar for a successful reconciliation is directly related to what you assumed marriage would be, and how deeply you loved your spouse.

 

For many couples, marriage is a contractual partnership: I raise the kids, you provide and cut the lawn; together we negotiate the bills..... maintaining the staus quo.

 

If there is infidelity, I would assume this couple rug sweeps and both are desperate to return to the status quo. No true introspection necessary. Let's just get back to the contractual agreement and carry on because it works on some level.

 

Doubt they are posting at LS.

 

Some marriages, however, ARE about best friends, deep abiding love, and strong sexual and emotional connections.

 

For those marriages, reconciliation is about forgiveness, and rebuilding, and recreating the "love" relationship.

 

The greater the loss, the deeper the love, the harder the rebuilding process will be because the betrayal is greater in that it is felt more acutely.

 

I agree with the posters who said it is a living, fluid thing; in need of constant evaluation and totally honest communication.

 

It cannot be ignored or complacently taken for granted. It must be fed and fueled on a daily basis, like all great relationships.

[frozensprouts]

I thought about this some more, and while I feel that I can honestly say that we have successfully reconciled, there is part of me that really wishes that we could get back that sense of "innocence" ( hard to explain what I mean by that, but if you have been cheated on, you may well know what I mean)...

 

I wonder if for a reconciliation to be 100%, would the betrayed spouse have to be in a place where there was no longer even a tiny shred of fear in the back of their minds that their spouse may make the same decision again?

 

I really believe ( 99%) that my husband won't make the decision to cheat again...before, I was 100% sure he wouldn't cheat. I have to accept that 1%, and that's not hard, but I guess I am still sad that there's even that 1%

[JustJoe]

Wellwhynot, I agree that recociliation is subjective based on the marriage, the affair, and the participants. I do believe, however, that there are a few constants in all forms of reconciling. 1. the idea that the marriage will be the same as before the affair, is not going to happen. Simply because of memories. 2. Reconciliation won't happen, if the WS isn't completely remorseful. Without remorse, how can there be any healing? 3. Reconciliation won't happen if the BS isn't able to forgive. Without forgiveness, the marriage cannot move into the future. 4. Reconciliation cannot take place without complete, honest, communication. There HAS to be a starting place for renewed respect. I believe that for true reconciliation to take place, a NEW marriage must take the place of the old broken one, at least in the minds of the marriage partners.

[Radagast]

I have been trying to get a grasp on how reconciliation is defined. Is it a personal definition that will be subjective based on each person? I don't want to make assumtions when someone says they are reconciled if I'm wrong. I don't want to assume that means that they are trusting their spouse or have forgiven them or whatever.

Does it mean being back together with your spouse, things "as they were" before? although really I'm not sure how they'd ever be the SAME, even if they are amicable, even peaceful and happy, so that's not really what I mean, I just can't figure out how to phrase it differently.

Does it mean that you stay in a life where you forever resent that person?

or is somehow coming to a place where you can work through the past together and move on to a new life?

I guess I just am wondering because I see a lot of posts that say that they have been reconciled for 5 years, or 7 years or 3 years or 1 year and the posts still seem so angry, or sad or unhappy and I guess that leads me to wonder what is real reconciliation?

 

People often seem to have different understandings of reconciliation even within the same marriage. When my ex-wife and I separated the first time and she begged for a reconciliation I understood the term to mean a renegotiating of the marriage so that it met the needs of both partners, was founded on mutual love and mutual respect, involved counselling or introspection and a genuine desire to right past wrongs and that it would be sustainable. Her idea was different, simply both living in the same house. It would have been helpful if we'd clarified the different understandings before attempting it.

[drifter777]

Wellwhynot, I agree that recociliation is subjective based on the marriage, the affair, and the participants. I do believe, however, that there are a few constants in all forms of reconciling. 1. the idea that the marriage will be the same as before the affair, is not going to happen. Simply because of memories. 2. Reconciliation won't happen, if the WS isn't completely remorseful. Without remorse, how can there be any healing? 3. Reconciliation won't happen if the BS isn't able to forgive. Without forgiveness, the marriage cannot move into the future. 4. Reconciliation cannot take place without complete, honest, communication. There HAS to be a starting place for renewed respect. I believe that for true reconciliation to take place, a NEW marriage must take the place of the old broken one, at least in the minds of the marriage partners.

 

Depends on your definition of forgiveness. For me, I'm working hard to reach acceptance because I don't think I'm capable of complete forgiveness for what she did to me. For me forgiveness requires me to understand and validate my wife's behavior, something I find impossible.

[woinlove]

Depends on your definition of forgiveness. For me, I'm working hard to reach acceptance because I don't think I'm capable of complete forgiveness for what she did to me. For me forgiveness requires me to understand and validate my wife's behavior, something I find impossible.

 

This is an interesting point, because I also think forgiveness would need to be part of reconciliation. However, I don't think forgiveness in any way means validating the actions which hurt, or even necessarily understanding them. I think of forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is a letting go. It may go along with understanding or understanding may follow. But, I don't think it is necessary for forgiveness.

[Radagast]

This is an interesting point, because I also think forgiveness would need to be part of reconciliation. However, I don't think forgiveness in any way means validating the actions which hurt, or even necessarily understanding them. I think of forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is a letting go. It may go along with understanding or understanding may follow. But, I don't think it is necessary for forgiveness.

 

I would not be able to reconcile while bearing a grudge. I tried it and I couldn't. Others may find it easier.

[Spark1111]

This is an interesting point, because I also think forgiveness would need to be part of reconciliation. However, I don't think forgiveness in any way means validating the actions which hurt, or even necessarily understanding them. I think of forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is a letting go. It may go along with understanding or understanding may follow. But, I don't think it is necessary for forgiveness.

 

I agree! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, but it does not mean acceptance of the actions that caused you untold pain.

 

You shouldn't ever accept that someone lied and deceived and broke your trust. That would be lunacy to forgive those actions.

 

And no, you will never forget it, like any life-defining trauma.

 

I think, for me, forgiveness is more along the lines that it happened to me, to us, and can I accept that?

 

Can my ego quiet down enough to realize that what we have built since then is so, so much better today because two people CHOOSE to be here and love and respect each other; work every day to affirm, support, and show consideration to each other?

[drifter777]

I agree! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, but it does not mean acceptance of the actions that caused you untold pain.

 

You shouldn't ever accept that someone lied and deceived and broke your trust. That would be lunacy to forgive those actions.

 

And no, you will never forget it, like any life-defining trauma.

 

I think, for me, forgiveness is more along the lines that it happened to me, to us, and can I accept that?

 

Can my ego quiet down enough to realize that what we have built since then is so, so much better today because two people CHOOSE to be here and love and respect each other; work every day to affirm, support, and show consideration to each other?

 

The "forgiveness is for myself" thing never felt right to me. Then I read the book "How Can I Forgive You?" and realized that I'm not the only one who thinks forgiveness for it's own sake is a bunch of bull. If it works for you that's great, but it doesn't work for all of us.

 

At best, true forgiveness must be earned by the WS - not simply "granted" by the BS. At the other end of the spectrum, a BS refuses to even try to forgive as the betrayal is too great. In the middle there is an acceptance that you are not ready to forgive - and you may never be - but you believe your WS is truly sorry and can demonstrate that they are worthy of some level of trust. If a BS can only get to acceptance, they can decide whether they are willing to settle for something less than a blissful marriage in order to raise children or enjoy companionship without love. Some BS's may give up on "love" after being betrayed by their "lover" and are ok with just being friends with benefits and keeping peace in the family. I certainly wouldn't judge these people harshly as it's their decision and, for them, is as good as reconciliation is going to get.

[Furious]

It's only been just over 8 months since I discovered the affair, and 4 of those months being TT'd. Reconciling at this point is like looking up at Mount Everest and feeling like it's an impossible climb.

 

I have asked my husband to move out...he refuses to leave...

I consider us separated... He thinks we're working it out.

 

What a ****ing mess!

[SomedayDig]

Sorry for what you're going through Furious. {{hugs}}

[seren]

For us, reconciliation is finally being able to talk about the A without feeling I was going to explode. We both look back on that time with huge regret, H with remorse, regret and us both with sadness that this is a part of our marriage history, but we also acknowledge that to have come out the other side feeling as we do, we must have had a dammed strong foundation to rebuild our marriage and get to where we are.

 

Tonight we sat on our garden bench with a beer watching our crazy dogs running about had a hug and he said that he was so glad we were us and that we had weathered a huge storm and that life just couldn't be better. TBH, if we hadn't taken a long hard look at our marriage after D Day and changed the way we were, I don't know if we would have felt like we do. D Day and reconciliation set in place a change in how we both communicated and our relationship went from strength to strength, despite the A. After nearly 27 years we are still very much in love and I can say that we have reconciled, never forgotten, but learned from. It has been hard, I never thought I would have an A as part of our history, but we do. If we both hadn't addressed our issues we wouldn't be here today.

[SomedayDig]

Thank you for the inspiration Seren. Truly. I said to my wife tonight in our MC session that I absolutely hate how we got to where we are in our new relationship. But, I'm glad we're here.

[seren]

Someday, I am of the mind that we only live once and we owe it to ourselves to be the happiest and most content we can be. I know that had I left my H, I would have thought about him and missed us each and every day, so I am glad we are still us and that we are have weathered the storm of reconciliation, it is an ongoing process, I think.

 

We will both never take us for granted or stop communicating how we truly feel ever again. I was a never happen to us, person, it did, I will never say never again. But, I believe we have the marriage and relationship we both want. It's a long road, some don't start the journey, some don't make it and some of us do. Everyone should have truth, make informed choices and if reconciliation is part of that choice, be prepared for the long haul. It's not for everyone, that's fine, their choice. That's what D Day should give, truth and informed decisions. Good luck with yours.