Own Worst Enemy Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hello all I am a bit rocked after a massive row with the ex last night, thought I'd see if you lovely people have any words of wisdom. To nutshell it, the ex and I were only together briefly, but it was v intense, and has been a v intense "best friendship" ever since. He is hugely complex, been in therapy for years. Recently he told he just hadn't felt the right sexual chemistry and he now wanted to sleep with other girls. he hopes it won't affect our friendship, which is hugely important to him. I told him it wouldn't just affect it, it would end it. So I supported him through a recent operation and told him after a family lunch/afternoon boozing yesterday that now we had to say goodbye. He got cross and said I couldn't just blindside him like that. Then he said that he loved me, which he has never said before, but went on a huge rant about how I was too fat, had been bigger than he thought I would be, he hadn't dated anyone else in the last 6 months because of me, but now he would be doing, that he felt "obligated" to have sex with me - and get this - it's my fault for not caring about him enough to lose weight for him. Not him being shallow then?! He never mentioned it before, and in fact when I accused him of something similar, he got quite cross, saying I always have to interpret the worst in everything, and that he never said anything of the sort. Seems that has changed overnight. I am a bit chunkier than I'd like, but not that bad FFS, prob 14lbs or so at the most. Radio silence today, apart from a text at lunchtime to ask if I'd seen his coat, to which I didn't reply. On a scale of 1-10, how much should I now be doing no contact??! Thanks y'all x
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 He sounds like is doing whatever possible to justify his thoughts. I think you need to write this guy off and meet an adult. 3
CarrieT Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Totally go No Contact. The issue is his and not yours and don't suck yourself into his drama. You are better off without him. 4
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 He is a total man child. He tells me repeatedly how much he loves a particular toy of mine (it's a doorstop), sends me emails to it saying "I love you so much", offered me £20k to let him keep it last night... I need to remember things like that when the thought of him with someone else eviscerates me!
flitzanu Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 so what you're saying is, you were with him briefly, then you broke up and have been "best friends" ever since, meaning that you've been sleeping with him the whole time since the breakup? 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hello all I am a bit rocked after a massive row with the ex last night, thought I'd see if you lovely people have any words of wisdom. To nutshell it, the ex and I were only together briefly, but it was v intense, and has been a v intense "best friendship" ever since. He is hugely complex, been in therapy for years. Recently he told he just hadn't felt the right sexual chemistry and he now wanted to sleep with other girls. he hopes it won't affect our friendship, which is hugely important to him. I told him it wouldn't just affect it, it would end it. So I supported him through a recent operation and told him after a family lunch/afternoon boozing yesterday that now we had to say goodbye. He got cross and said I couldn't just blindside him like that. Then he said that he loved me, which he has never said before, but went on a huge rant about how I was too fat, had been bigger than he thought I would be, he hadn't dated anyone else in the last 6 months because of me, but now he would be doing, that he felt "obligated" to have sex with me - and get this - it's my fault for not caring about him enough to lose weight for him. Not him being shallow then?! He never mentioned it before, and in fact when I accused him of something similar, he got quite cross, saying I always have to interpret the worst in everything, and that he never said anything of the sort. Seems that has changed overnight. I am a bit chunkier than I'd like, but not that bad FFS, prob 14lbs or so at the most. Radio silence today, apart from a text at lunchtime to ask if I'd seen his coat, to which I didn't reply. On a scale of 1-10, how much should I now be doing no contact??! Thanks y'all x on a scale of 1-10, make it a 43. When they pick apart your physical attributes like that, they are projecting, and also seeming to get off on hurting/shocking you. 1
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 It's a relationship without sex, all the emotion and none of the pleasure!! I think there might be something in the projection point, thank you. Hmmm...
TaraMaiden Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 On a scale of 1-10, how much should I now be doing no contact??! .....Eleven.
leoc1973 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 oK I am actually going to play devils advocate here. If he really feels that way aren't you glad he was honest? Or would you rather hear some bull crap excuse like its not you it me or any other crap excuse? Wouldn't you wanna hear the absolute truth although I never in a million years would have said what he said. I don't want every girl on here to jump down my throat but I have seen lots of posts from women about small penis's on this forum and that is a physical attribute too! Would any woman go out with a guy that was 400 lbs acne face bald small penis ect? NO so you can't jump down a guys throat for being honest about it. That being said... I looovess me a woman with a booty and a little meat on her!!
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I feel a million times better knowing it's a physical issue - whether mine or his - than the previous 6 months of "it's not you, it's me, I can't handle it, it's too intense" garbage. I can understand this. And it makes me think v differently about him too. What a muppet to throw it all away over something so shallow but also so eminently fixable!
foolishlover Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 He sounds like is doing whatever possible to justify his thoughts. I think you need to write this guy off and meet an adult. Hey Philosoraptor. I really like how you say that he is doing whatever he can to justify his thoughts. Reminded me of my ex where he would always justify everything he did, despite it being wrong, because of how he thought.
Philosoraptor Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hey Philosoraptor. I really like how you say that he is doing whatever he can to justify his thoughts. Reminded me of my ex where he would always justify everything he did, despite it being wrong, because of how he thought. In the end many need motivation to believe their decision was correct. Sadly it seems more common to knock someone else down than to raise yourself up, and that's what Own Worst Enemy's ex was doing.
jimmytoo Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 think this one is a no-brainer! he is messing you around, don't take that from. show him you're the mature one by moving on and letting him do what he wants to do. he's obviously not ready to commit but trying to lead you on for more sex. don't play to his childish ways. move on and forget, there are plenty of people out there better than this guy.
g450 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Plenty of loving guys out there that prefer a chunky woman. Tell him that fact and then block his phone number. Simple as that. Like Philo said, find an adult.
wilsonx Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 as long as we keep it casual, I'll give you my number 1
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 I haven't heard from him since I ignored his texts on Monday, which is a huge drop from his usual 10-15 messages a day, so now I am panicking and v tempted to break NC. Argh! Hey, I'm not THAT bloody chunky!!!! Just a bit. Hence his "how could you expect to get with someone who has a 6pack when you look like that".
TaraMaiden Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 well done for posting here! Have you stopped to think that this may be a co-dependent relationship? If you're keen to break NC and open yourself up to more of the same, pause to think what you are enabling, here....
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 i think it's probably text-book co-dependent! he has v few real friends, and says i am the only "best" friend he has made since leaving school in 1996. he is dependent upon me for pretty much everything (not financial or anything like that; he earns a bloody fortune, just emotional stuff) and somehow i am totally dependent on that little scrap of validation. knowing it is one thing, breaking it is another.... but as you so wisely say, hopefully being here and pestering you lot is better than pestering him!
TaraMaiden Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Ok, good. Step one, see the problem. Step two, recognise it. Step three - whatcha gonna do about it? You know that 'going back' for more of the same just makes you an idiot, right? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but hey, let's get real here. you are missing the minor crumbs he throws at you, but you know - like any addiciton - that ultimately, it hurts you to the core, and is really not good for you at all.... So, look upon this as an addiction. Now: addicts either work with substitutes, or go cold turkey. I would suggest perhaps you consider combining the two.... Find a distraction, a hobby, a pastime, an activity - anything - that would take you away from the toxic environment of being with him. Join a swimming club, a choir, a pony trekking club, a rambling club, become a dog walker, learn a new language, learn sign language.... Anything to get you socialising more, help your confidence grow and add a skill to your talents. This would also steer you away form being co-dependent, to being independent. Make sure that whatever you do, you do because you really want to do it, not because it's a tool to deflect your attention. You have to tackle anything new with joy, with vigour, with enthusiasm and with only you in mind. You know it makes sense!
Emilia Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I think it's generally wise not to date someone knowingly with mental health issues. This is exactly what happens, no-one thanks you in the end. 1
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Re a gig we were going to hit together, saying that he is taking me at face value that I don't want to see him, but if I change my mind to let him know and he'll get tickets. Then he goes onto say that I should let him know if I want no form of further contact and he will never ever bother me again. Earlier I was feeling positive, now he has emailed and sent me into a panic. I'm normally super independent, v demanding job, loads of friends etc. Why I am clinging to this guy is a mystery, but it HuRtS! Thank you x
CarrieT Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Let him go - he is playing you and you know you deserve better... It will only hurt for a little while.
TaraMaiden Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Re a gig we were going to hit together, saying that he is taking me at face value that I don't want to see him, but if I change my mind to let him know and he'll get tickets. Then he goes onto say that I should let him know if I want no form of further contact and he will never ever bother me again. Cool! text back: "I want no form of further contact and don't ever bother me again." Earlier I was feeling positive, now he has emailed and sent me into a panic. no - you're still feeling relatively positive - if you were in a panic, you would have texted back anything to keep him close. this time, you're here, instead. because you know you have to do this. Great stuff - good girl! I'm normally super independent, v demanding job, loads of friends etc. Why I am clinging to this guy is a mystery, but it HuRtS! Simple - it's like any addiction to a harmful substance - we think we're on top of it, and that we're in control, but in reality, it gets under our skin... Just call us your exfoliators!! Yeah, scrubbing can smart a little, but our complexion is so much better after we get rid of all the superficial crap....! 1
g450 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I haven't heard from him since I ignored his texts on Monday, which is a huge drop from his usual 10-15 messages a day, so now I am panicking and v tempted to break NC. Argh! Hey, I'm not THAT bloody chunky!!!! Just a bit. Hence his "how could you expect to get with someone who has a 6pack when you look like that". Screw him! He doesnt deserve you. He has low self esteem and uses that bs to bring you down to his level. Let him wallow there alone. Do you enjoy the drama? Do you like playing games with him? No? Then stay NC. Block his number and email etc. Thats how he will know "that you want no further contact" Its not hard to do. He is just playing games with you because you let him.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 it was all such good advice, and made me feel "hell yeah" when reading it. so why did i reply?! why? i am a moron! on the plus side, all i said was: i - you want me to love you whilst you look elsewhere; or ii - we sit down and talk about everything with a view to fixing it. if it's (i), never contact me again. so it could have been worse. but it could have been better. i hate myself right now!
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