Am I shallow?

May 8, 2012

Having preferences for certain physical characteristics is not shallow, but shallowness is only caring about physical characteristics and nothing else. If you'd date a woman who had nothing but her looks going for her, I'd say you were shallow. It's not shallow to admire or desire an attractive woman--it's shallow if attractiveness is all you care about.

May 8, 2012

fwiw, Hubby likes long hair. I generally keep my hair long but cut it short last summer (it's pretty much long again now b/c it grows super fast) right after we started dating, and it didn't seem to phase him. A preference doesn't bother me --- someone who is literally "bummed" about something I do to my hair would.

I know a bunch of men who get bent out of shape when their partner cuts her hair, and I couldn't live with that. It happened just this weekend--I saw a friend, she got her long hair cut to about an inch above the shoulder (donated the length), and I said, "Oh, nice hair cut!" and her husband grumbled, "Don't tell her that" expressing his disapproval His wife would be far more attractive than him with a shaved head

My guy, otoh, loves my hair long....but has more than once accompanied me to the salon to get it all chopped off when I've been sick of long hair. And then it grows out again. Never any disapproval, and always insists I am pretty "no matter what". Love him for that!

May 8, 2012

I know a bunch of men who get bent out of shape when their partner cuts her hair, and I couldn't live with that. It happened just this weekend--I saw a friend, she got her long hair cut to about an inch above the shoulder (donated the length), and I said, "Oh, nice hair cut!" and her husband grumbled, "Don't tell her that" expressing his disapproval His wife would be far more attractive than him with a shaved head

My guy, otoh, loves my hair long....but has more than once accompanied me to the salon to get it all chopped off when I've been sick of long hair. And then it grows out again. Never any disapproval, and always insists I am pretty "no matter what". Love him for that!

Totally. FWIW, though, most guys in LTRs whom I know of aren't terribly fussed about that. I think some of them would be unhappy if their partner went Halle Berry or Emma Watson short, but for the most part they don't seem to mind anything within a relatively normal range. Many girls I know have switched hairstyles drastically from Rihanna-length to waist-length and anywhere in between, and many of them have bfs. I've never even heard of it being a problem.

My guy has never expressed a preference, though I've not tried anything out of the ordinary either - I usually vacillate from shoulder-length to mid-back. I suppose I would get some raised eyebrows if I did an Emma Watson.

May 8, 2012

My guy has never expressed a preference, though I've not tried anything out of the ordinary either - I usually vacillate from shoulder-length to mid-back. I suppose I would get some raised eyebrows if I did an Emma Watson.

I've gone this short in the past. Default is longer than my bra strap (since I hate getting hair cuts). When I go short, I go pretty short!

May 8, 2012

I've gone this short in the past. Default is longer than my bra strap (since I hate getting hair cuts). When I go short, I go pretty short!

Hey, it suits some people. I had that haircut back when I was a kid, and I really did not look good with it.

May 8, 2012

Yup, pretty much on the money there.

I'm done feeding the attention and validation spree, though. I love helping people, but not when they turn on the very people who are spending time writing well-thought-out posts to try and help them. I can see someone responding negatively to posts like, "Yes, you're very shallow, and you'll never get a girlfriend because of that", but calling zengirl insecure after all her detailed posts that were written in hope of helping him see things from another perspective? When someone's only responses to posts that do not validate his opinion are: 1) ignoring them and going on as if they never existed, or 2) arguing defensively and petulantly against them, regardless of quality or intent of the post... there really is no point in trying to help them.

I would recommend that you and the others who have put so much of themselves into that, to try and detach yourself and come to the realization I did. Nothing on LS worked for SD for 2 years... and nothing is ever going to. Hopefully he'll reach his epiphanies some other way.

Els, I been thinking about this, too. I agree with your post. And as hard as it will be for me to stay out of SD's threads going forward, that is now my intent. You're right in that we've invested way too much time crafting our replies only for him to shun it or address it with extreme bias, but that's how it often goes. Like I said, I feel like I have been in SD's shoes at one point and my 23-year-old cousin whom I love to death -- SD reminds me of him. But David actually listens to me. He considers what I say, and I believe he respects me because I care so much for him.

The more I think about it, the less my cousin and SD are alike.

Els, I'll be joining you in the stay out of SD's threads population. I wish more people would. He's not going to learn or ever change on Loveshack. His biases and opinions are too strong to be swayed either way. He's going to need a real life epiphany. Honestly, probably a supernatural awakening.

I don't think somedude is especially shallow, just really frustrated. Right now he wants to get a sexual release.

His first big problem is that he does come across as lacking empathy, at least on here, when he says things like how he'd like a woman to be his girlfriend for a month and that's it. No understanding about how the other party might feel about that arrangement. It shows a lack of understanding about how women work, That's like a woman saying that she wants a guy to take her out and buy her dinners for a month so that she feels pretty again so she can date the alpha dudes she so craves.

His other big problem is that his lifestyle just doesn't get him to meet many women. He doesn't have hobbies where there are a lot of women around, he doesn't do online dating, and he won't cold-approach. He also doesn't seem to have any passions (besides getting a girl). So his strategy, if you will, is to hit on the occasional new girl who joins his work. This works out to what, maybe a few girls a year?

Truly? I think the best thing that somedude could do for himself is leave the forum for a few weeks. Come up with a strategy and put it into action. Meanwhile there's just too many people telling him too many things.

This post hits the nail on the head. It describes the situation perfectly. I've said it before: SD could benefit from leaving LS for 2 weeks and try living life on his own without using LS as a "resource." I do believe in "too many cooks in the kitchen."

He should not be formulating opinions from people's opinions but living out life and discovering it on his own.

Well, I'm out. SD, I wish you the best. I pray you'll give God another chance. He's always there for you. I know these words will fall on deaf ears but for old times' sake, for one last time, maybe checking out a young adult fellowship or just visiting church on a Sunday... would not be the biggest waste of your time. At least you'll put yourself out there, and be with other people.

Time for a little honest introspection myself. I realized in recent times I've become my own SomeDude. I lost my passions in life, I was just rotting away, reading LS, giving advice to SD... when I realized... am I living out the advice I'm giving?

Am I hanging out with friends, or am I staying home on a Friday night just surfing the same 4-6 message boards over and over, refreshing?

Is that what my life, at 28 years old, has come to?

Then I realized my posting to SD was just a distraction from LAUNCHING MY OWN LIFE. By trying to helping him I was just distracting myself from focusing on me and my own issues.

Giving advice is also a form of control. And it is a mistake. All my life I like giving advice, when we should really let people form their own choices and learn to live with the consequences themselves. It's not our responsibility to give advice to anyone. All it does is erode that person's self-worth and stifles their initiative and creativity. Seriously. Look it up if you don't believe me. "Too Nice For Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes" by Duke Robinson, page 180.

And I think that's part of the problem with SD. He uses LS to enable him. Everyone plays advice giver, and it only stifles his own initiative and creativity. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

Well, I refuse to be a part of that going forward.

I also started connecting with people again. That social circle I been advising SD so much of? My own was dying. It needed some water. I just interacted with 3 friends that I used to be tight with in 2010, 2011, but in 2012 I have just been lazy. Amazing what a little TLC and water can do to revive a sleeping friendship.

Just interacting with those 3 friends has lifted me up, and lifted up this Tuesday.

In short, good luck SD. I won't post in his threads advice anymore, about what he should do, what he oughta do. If I do post, it will be non-advice. Mostly, I think I'll just lurk and see what kind of progress he makes (or doesn't make).

But yeah, it's time to make sure MY OWN life isn't on a downward spiral, and that I'm employing MY OWN advice for my own life. As much as it's been SD's habit to post threads and crave reading the latest, for me it's become a craving to look for his latest thread to post the same advice a different way.

Wow... this was some serious deep introspection, lol.

I thank God for the humble and teachable spirit He's given me. Otherwise, my pride would disregard all this and I'd continue walking down this unhealthy path.

It's good to be teachable and to have an honest, sober self-assessment from time to time!

Peace.

PS- I still recommend "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer

May 8, 2012

Els, I been thinking about this, too. I agree with your post. And as hard as it will be for me to stay out of SD's threads going forward, that is now my intent. You're right in that we've invested way too much time crafting our replies only for him to shun it or address it with extreme bias, but that's how it often goes. Like I said, I feel like I have been in SD's shoes at one point and my 23-year-old cousin whom I love to death -- SD reminds me of him. But David actually listens to me. He considers what I say, and I believe he respects me because I care so much for him.

The more I think about it, the less my cousin and SD are alike.

Els, I'll be joining you in the stay out of SD's threads population. I wish more people would. He's not going to learn or ever change on Loveshack. His biases and opinions are too strong to be swayed either way. He's going to need a real life epiphany. Honestly, probably a supernatural awakening.

You're right, I do feel for him. Part of me still wants to try and help, as zengirl and some others are doing, and as you did in the past. But sometimes we just have to draw a line and make a decision to spend that time in a better manner. When I choose what to do with my time, I ask myself three questions: 1) Will this benefit me? 2) Will this benefit others?, and 3) Will I enjoy this? If the answer to all three is NO, then I do my best to cut it off there.

FWIW, after reading zengirl's post, I think it was a bit harsh for me to call him a 'lost cause'. She's definitely a nicer person than I am. I still agree with you, however, that any change is not going to come from LS, judging from the very consistent past.

Welcome to the club.

May 8, 2012

Not to pick holes, but 6'2" alone eliminates more than 90% of the men in the world. Add basics like age & looks and you're probably over 99% *before* even adding the rest of your standards

I'm gonna call you TopShelfStandards from now on

Yeah I know what you mean. It's not really part of your role to be doing that. Personally I hate asking for help to get the high things and I'll climb the damn shelf if I have to.

Have you considered moving to Europe? People of Scandinavian decent are the tallest in the world.

I guess I could move to Mexico and take up drug running.

That's the thing, i'm FROM Europe. I'm from Moscow. And yes, I've been to Europe and there's plenty of eye candy, but I made my living in Canada for a reason. Life is better here, it's safer, it's cleaner.

One of the biggest downsides are the men. I go to European events, and I have met lots of European men as well, but again, they are either taken or are here for a short period of time... OR...

I have even met European men who said "Well i'm in Canada now, so Canadian rules apply, I don't have to pay for the date or hold the door anymore".

YEUGH! I have never been so turned off in my life.

I'm taller than you, and I honestly feel this is a choice that you're making. It never bothered me to be tall, and I never had particular trouble dating, because I chose that path. Why follow the herd and sit around baaing discontentedly because of having seen too many movies where the male lead is taller than the female lead? Be your own brand of female lead. To some degree, who you are attracted to is outside of your control--but how you frame situations in your head and choose to react to them is within your control.

I've dated men from 5'7" to 6'9" and I've never questioned their masculinity or my own femininity--not because of something like our heights in relation to each other.

I wrote a post explaining why I feel like this. I compared my experiences with dating the short men, and the men much much taller than myself, and I explained that it felt so much better to be standing next to a tall man than to a short one.

I don't question masculinity or femininity based on height, but in comparison. If I see a tall woman she isn't masculine if she is tall, but she becomes masculine if she is taller than her man. Her man looks pathetic next to her and she looks like she is settling, big time. And I don't mean one or two inch difference, i'm talking about 5 or 6 inch difference (me and most my exes). I was always uncomfortable being so much taller, but I settled for them because there was nothing taller out there.

THEN I met Mr. 6'5 and I never knew how I dated a shorter man. I felt so much better being hugged and not having to bend down to kiss my "man". I feel protected, not like a giant who has to scrawny herself up when hugging her boyfriend because he's small. Bleh.

May 8, 2012

I don't question masculinity or femininity based on height, but in comparison. If I see a tall woman she isn't masculine if she is tall, but she becomes masculine if she is taller than her man. Her man looks pathetic next to her and she looks like she is settling, big time. And I don't mean one or two inch difference, i'm talking about 5 or 6 inch difference (me and most my exes). I was always uncomfortable being so much taller, but I settled for them because there was nothing taller out there.

THEN I met Mr. 6'5 and I never knew how I dated a shorter man. I felt so much better being hugged and not having to bend down to kiss my "man". I feel protected, not like a giant who has to scrawny herself up when hugging her boyfriend because he's small. Bleh.

Thanks for convincing me to never pursue a woman who is more than two inches taller than me.

If anybody questions why I have an upper height limit for women, I'll just link them to your post.

May 8, 2012

Thanks for convincing me to never pursue a woman who is more than two inches taller than me.

Why did you choose that, and not "thanks for convincing me to never pursue a woman who is European"? Cause that seems to be a far bigger factor than her own height.

May 8, 2012

Thanks for convincing me to never pursue a woman who is more than two inches taller than me.

If anybody questions why I have an upper height limit for women, I'll just link them to your post.

I'm just being honest. This is how I feel, and I don't speak for every tall woman. This is just my experience.

But i'm just curious, would you be comfortable dating a woman who was already 5 inches taller, and then she wore heels on top of that? Would you really feel good walking next to her while you look like a shrimp, even if she was okay with the height difference?

May 8, 2012

Why did you choose that, and not "thanks for convincing me to never pursue a woman who is European"? Cause that seems to be a far bigger factor than her own height.

I saw the European thing as just wanting a man with manners and to treat her right. I have no issue with that.

I'm just being honest. This is how I feel, and I don't speak for every tall woman. This is just my experience.

But i'm just curious, would you be comfortable dating a woman who was already 5 inches taller, and then she wore heels on top of that? Would you really feel good walking next to her while you look like a shrimp, even if she was okay with the height difference?

Seriously?

You're really starting to piss me off.

May 8, 2012

Somedude, why limit your pool of women by a height requirement? Unless you don't find women as tall or taller than you attractive? Which I totally could understand. I don't think I have met too many women taller than me who I am attracted to. Also, my best friend from HS is really into shorter/petite women. For him his ideal is Christina Aguilera and any woman taller/bigger is unattractive.

All this stuff of "won't you feel awkward walking down the street with her" is nonsense. All that matters is if you like her and she likes you, ignore the rest, because it just noise.

May 8, 2012

Somedude, why limit your pool of women by a height requirement? Unless you don't find women as tall or taller than you attractive? Which I totally could understand. I don't think I have met too many women taller than me who I am attracted to. Also, my best friend from HS is really into shorter/petite women. For him his ideal is Christina Aguilera and any woman taller/bigger is unattractive.

All this stuff of "won't you feel awkward walking down the street with her" is nonsense. All that matters is if you like her and she likes you, ignore the rest, because it just noise.

I have no problem being into women 5' to 5'8. That's an 8 inch range which includes 95% of all women.

May 8, 2012

Seriously?

You're really starting to piss me off.

Then stop reading and replying to my posts

May 8, 2012

Then stop reading and replying to my posts

SD81 just can't win here. When he doesn't reply to a post, people beat on him for ignoring them. When he does and expresses his feelings, he gets told to stop reading and replying.

May 8, 2012

Seriously the height thing...he is literally including almost every woman he is bound to come in contact with, esp at the lower end. I'd venture to guess, that if SD met a girl who is 5'9 and they instantly clicked and she was head over heels for him, he would not write her off. He chose a high and low based on his height that truly do make sense. Why the harping on this?

Anyway, SD I don't think you are shallow at all. I think this thread has become quite ridiculous, tbh. Unless I missed the part where you stated "she can be a serial killer or she can torture animals or she can cheat on me, as long as physically she is XYZ" then I fail to see how you ONLY care about the physical. I think it goes without saying (and I believe you have said before...correct me if I'm wrong) that you'd want a girl who is nice, pleasant to be around, etc.

I think you are easy to pick on, and you put your foot in your mouth at times but honestly I think people have painted this chariacture of you that is really unfair. I feel bad when I read your threads, much of what's said to you seems really mean-spirited under the guise of tough love, I guess.

Your expectations of a girl are hardly even noteworthy. They are so ridiculously typical. That's FINE! You want a NORMAL GIRL. That's all I picture when I read your "list".

FTR, I have a list of what I prefer too!: