Teknoe Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I interpreted that as somebody who watches what she eats, exercises a bit and doesn't let herself get fat. Also no smoking or drugs. But of course, you come up with some idea straight out of left field. Um, takes care of herself means both physical AND mental. There's nothing "left field" about this, lol. I've noticed that you tend to focus on external/physical things, but you don't have a particularly sharp eye for the internal/mental side of things. This is probably why with D you exhibited a lack of empathy which helped to drive that friendship to the ground. I'd date her Post when you get a date. BTW, you admit you're not good at picking up social cues. Someone in another thread asked if you have autism. You said you don't. Out of curiosity have you ever been tested? Can I ask if you've ever taken a diagnosed test for whether or not you have Asperger? This is taken from Asperger symptoms in adults There are programs which offer social trainings to improve social skills and learn how to read social cues. Many adults lead a fulfilling life professionally as well as personally. Most adults with adult Asperger Syndrome marry and have children. Read more on what it means to have Aspergers yourself: go to the site of Kate Goldfield for a crash course on how to accept your Aspergers! Asperger syndrome in adults has some common characteristics such as: • Lack of managing appropriate social conduct • High intelligence • Anger management problems • Controlling feelings such as depression, fear or anxiety • Lack of empathy • Inability to listen to others • Inflexible thinking • Repetitive routines provides feelings of security • Stress when their routine suddenly changes • Inability to think in abstract ways • Specialised fields of interest • Visual thinking From your posts on LS over the past 2 years, I've noticed you fitting many of those traits. You lack managing appropriate social conduct, you seem to be HIGHLY intelligent, you do display anger management problems (i.e. threatening to make D cry), lack of empathy, inability to listen to others, inflexible thinking, repeating your routine for feelings of security (might explain why you refuse to try the tips given to you for the last 2+ years, and why you've turned down people who offered you REAL LIFE assistance), etc. etc. I'm NOT saying you have Asperger. But those traits hit home close to you, and I'm wondering if you ever got tested professionally? If you haven't, it might be worth looking into.
Kamille Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I'd also like to point out, I've never been in a relationship and don't really know what other characteristics are important. So it's easier for me to focus on the physical. Cause if I'm not attracted to her, I don't think anything else matters. And this is precisely why you have such a hard time relating to women. You're fundamentally not interested in getting to know them. 3
Teknoe Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 That link above also states the following: Adult Aspergers are impairments in social interaction like maintaining friendships or feeling the need to engage in activities with others. There is also impairments in communication such as taken whatever is said literally and being unable to read between the lines. A good way to communicate with Asperger Adults is to use Socratic Communication There could be an inability to listen to others and pick up on non verbal signs such as body language or facial expressions. --- You say you don't have a social circle and don't see the need to make (male) friends. You also have taken things people say on LS literally and you've shown the inability to read between the lines. i.e. "She was laughing and having a good time" not knowing people can actually laugh for a "bad" reason.
serial muse Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 (edited) you'd have more luck with girls from other ethnicities because average Caucasian's males and females height is higher than a lot of minorities height. somedude...this right here is actually a practical point worth your notice. I get that preferences are preferences, etc. However, as I recall, your own heritage is at least partially Hispanic, but you have said in the past you intensely dislike that bit about you (perhaps because you blame that heritage for your height). I don't know if that's why you won't date Hispanic women, but it certainly seems possible. There's lots of stuff buried there, as I recall from your posts on the topic. Well, that self-hating is getting you nowhere, obviously. And maybe you should really think about this, if you really are so concerned with the height issue. Why wouldn't you at least consider dating women of other ethnicities, to whom you might be of "normal" height or "acceptable" height or whatever adjective you prefer? I mean really, why on Earth not? What have you got to lose here? Let me just say this. As a woman, I'm of average height myself, perhaps slightly above average (I'm 5'6"). I grew up in a city where the average male height is considerably lower than the national average, because it was largely Hispanic. And I sometimes wonder if that is why I personally don't give a crap about a guy's height. Because shorter men are what's normal to me. 5'6"? Pfft. No problem. I'm just saying, maybe think about why you're so locked into certain preferences, and reexamine them. I'm not criminalizing you for having them, but seriously, why shoot yourself in the foot?? Edited May 7, 2012 by serial muse
zengirl Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Addendum: Even though I am basically in agreement with the "shallow" label, I don't think it's completely accurate. Emotionally immature is probably the key. I think shallow, due to emotional immaturity, yes. Most people are more shallow when more immature or younger. You are aware that 20-74 is a huge age range right? The study breaks it down fairly well. Ages 20-29 is perhaps ~10 lbs. lower. As to age, the average height of men in your age range is higher than the national average as well. People have been getting taller. Just because the average American woman is overweight (which is true) doesn't mean that he's shallow just because he's not attracted to overweight (aka average weight) women. To clarify, I don't think SD is shallow because he wants a non-overweight woman --- I just think he doesn't understand what "average" is sometimes so pointed out what average was. And this is precisely why you have such a hard time relating to women. You're fundamentally not interested in getting to know them. Basically, this is the crux of why I think SD is shallow.
ascendotum Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 And this is precisely why you have such a hard time relating to women. You're fundamentally not interested in getting to know them. I think you are extrapolating his comment too much. He's not interested in getting to know women he's not attracted to, not all women. If he finds a girl physically appealing then he wants to gets closer to her and know her better, but it seems the girls he fancies are not all that interested in getting to know him...beyond him being a friend. 2
iris219 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Somedude, I want you to be honest. What would you say to me if I came on here complaining that I couldn’t find a date, and then I proceeded to post the following thread: I’m having trouble finding a date, but I want a man who looks like a man. He needs to be attractive because I am. He must meet the following requirements or I can’t be attracted to him: Full head of hair, at least average height (but really, TBH, I’d never be completely happy with anyone under 6’. If my BF was under 6’, I’d ogle all the tall men and wish my BF was tall), good body, and he also needs to be white. I'm 30, but I like the young, cute ones, so it'd be great if he was around 20. Why can’t I find a date? I’m really confused. 2
xxoo Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I think you are extrapolating his comment too much. He's not interested in getting to know women he's not attracted to, not all women. If he finds a girl physically appealing then he wants to gets closer to her and know her better, but it seems the girls he fancies are not all that interested in getting to know him...beyond him being a friend. We understand that. But flip it....wouldn't sd want the women who are "only attracted to men 5'10 and up" to get to know him, and see if there is a spark with him? Is it impossible that he could find an unexpected spark with a woman who has short hair, or a fat belly? And since he isn't dating anyone, why not get to know some women better and see what happens?
Kamille Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I think you are extrapolating his comment too much. He's not interested in getting to know women he's not attracted to, not all women. If he finds a girl physically appealing then he wants to gets closer to her and know her better, but it seems the girls he fancies are not all that interested in getting to know him...beyond him being a friend. Sure. I would even say that's exactly the problem. Once the physical criteria are there, he's all in. Can't imagine that makes him a good flirt. Having other criteria might helps him 1. Ask relevant questions to get to know whether these women and him are actually a match, and 2. Make him better at playfully chatting up women.
dasein Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Ergo... logic dictates You are confusing analogies with syllogisms, and doing a service to neither. Was it not truly elementary, my dear Watson? Oh yes, truly "elementary" indeed. With that I can agree wholeheartedly. How many threads can I derail Threads are -long- derailed before I join them, and since bad analogies are what are used most often to try to judge SD shallow by the peanut gallery, my opinion of them is completely topical, whether I use a quote from Wittgenstein or one from a retard like Steinem to make my point.
udolipixie Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You are confusing analogies with syllogisms, and doing a service to neither. I think both of you are confusing the topic there or perhaps I missed the memo as I'm curious as to how average height suddenly because wanting a tall guy or very tall guy. Somedude81 stated he found it stupid and shallow for gals to not want to date guys under 5'10'' and in America 5'10'' is the average height. Ironically Somedude81's breast preference is average for gals and the gal's hieght preference he labels stupid and shallow is for average for guys. Getting not dating guys under 5'10'' is like an apt analogy to Somedude81's preference as he seems to not want to date a gal with below average breasts. It's not one of these things is not like the other nor is not dating guys under 5'10'' a unreasonable physical quality as the average height is 5'10''.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I think everyone is entitled to their physical preferences. I think if they frequently spell out their physical preferences, analyze them, treat them like tick boxes, and fixate on them, they are being shallow. So the only thing that makes me shallow is that I vocalize what I like? Then that goes both ways for women who talk about what they want then. I simply think there's a big difference between saying, "I want someone I'm attracted to" In other words, "I want someone I'm attracted to" just keeps the list in their heads. That goes along with what I said above. To whom? Some women might disagree. Are they entitled to their preferences as well? To somebody with half a brain. What are the characteristic of what physically defines a man? You can think of at least four things right? I'll even give you a freebie by including height. Yes, I have. You fixate on looks. You make tick marks on qualities you think a partner needs to have, physically. You list very few, if any, deeper qualities you want in a woman or relationship. You fixate on your own looks, particularly height. You think that what you look like mostly dictates what you "deserve" in dating. I could go on, but even ONE of those reasons would be enough to call someone a bit shallow. That's A LOT of shallow behaviors, IMO. Looks are only the first thing that comes to mind. There is also a bunch of stuff I want in a partner. But as I said before, none of them really matter if the attraction is not there. Women are the same way. Unless you can convince me otherwise that women don't need to be attracted to their partners. Oh, goodness, that's not even that short of hair, so stricter than I thought. A hair cut could literally make you lose attraction to a woman? I hope that would not hold true if you were actually in a R. That's by far the most shallow thing I've heard you say yet, SD. I really liked her hair when it was long. It just looked so good on her. I don't think she looked as good with shorter hair. If that makes me shallow, then so be it. I would never suggest you go after someone you're not attracted to, btw. What I would suggest is you stop trying to deconstruct attraction and beauty and defend why you're not attracted to people you're not attracted to, as though there's some sort of valid/invalid line, and THAT would make you far less shallow. So just stop talking about it? And of course you know I only talk about my preferences here right? Just think about and fixate on looks less, also open yourself up to other criteria, There are other criteria, but what is the point of focusing on them? I have preferences, mostly reflecting the physical appearance of the one I love, but not requirements. I prefer a certain height, but have had crushes on guys from 5'3--6'3 (I don't prefer either extreme) I prefer dark eyes/hair, but have been attracted to other. I prefer olive skin, but have been attracted to very fair and very dark. I prefer strong, but have been attracted to skinny. I prefer fit, but have been attracted to fat. It's about the essence of the man, not his stats. I could basically say the exact same thing you did. Of course when I do it, I'm shallow... I would also say that too often, on this site, people confuse "shallow" with "picky." You can be shallow and not picky, picky and not shallow, neither, or both at once. Easily. The two are not really related. Shallow - fixation on outer appearances or material things, lacking in greater depth Picky - having a laundry list of sorts, wanting a very high quality, etc. I wouldn't say SD is terribly picky in general, per se. I would say his attitude is very shallow. And as I said before, the only reason I seem to fixate on looks, is because I don't have a clue what qualities really matters. Frankly, I'm trying to keep the list of requirements as short as possible. Either way, after reading this thread I don't think the label of shallow applies to me at all. I'd say 5'9'' but in reality I'm not usually attracted to guys shorter than 5'10''. I was more concerned about the cutoff height in which one looks like a boy vs. looking like a man. If one even exists. What's wrong with knowing what you are and are not physically attracted to and looking for the things that you are attracted to? How is that any different than having a list or having tick boxes? SD is listing his preferences here simply to illustrate what his physical preferences are, and asking whether those physical preferences make him shallow. We'd all do the same thing if asked to list what our physical preferences are. I also wholly disagree that in listing what he finds physically attracting that he's trying to "make other people out to be lesser because they are lacking a quality he desires." I think it's grossly unfair to paint SD in that box. Plenty of people here, every single day, say things like, "I like women with small boobs" or "I like a man with a clean shaven/baby face," or whatever. How are they not shallow for listing that preference? How are they not trying to make other people out to be lesser because they are lacking a quality listed? It's cause I'm apparently and easier target than they are One of these things is not like the other. A short woman who wants a very tall man equates to an average man who wants nothing less than a perfectly shaped C cup breast or larger in a woman. Both are entitled to their preference, but some will claim both are being shallow if they are willing to sacrifice other more substantial qualities in pursuit of the unreasonably precise physical qualities. An apt analogy to SD's particular breast preference would be a woman who wanted a man merely -taller- than she is. Have read hundreds of bogus claims of SD's supposed shallowness here, have never seen one with any solid reasoning behind it. Exactly. I'm not demanding a woman to be a D or larger. Sure it would be great, but hardly necessary. No one's physical preferences make them shallow per se. Fixating on them constantly, to the point where you could list them out so succinctly, makes one a bit shallow. And his other actions indicate that as well. Again, "picky" is not the same as "shallow." Whatever zengirl. I bet you could come up with a list of physical requirements you have in men if you thought about it for a couple of minutes. Yes, that is shallow thinking. Just because a woman is all those things, doesn't mean she is compatible, mentally healthy, kind, or even tolerable. Of course. And I'm not saying that they aren't required. Just that if she were obese it didn't matter if she had the above qualities or not. Yep, agreed. SD's 'ideal girlfriend' meshes with that of many of the guys I knew in my teens and early 20s, too. Makes since, mainly because that's the age guys start getting into relationships and they start learning how things work and what matters.
xxoo Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I could basically say the exact same thing you did. Of course when I do it, I'm shallow... No, the same would be saying you prefer long hair, but have had crushes on a couple women with short hair, you prefer averaged sized, but have been very attracted to a couple plus sized women and a couple waifs, etc. 1
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 So let me guess this straight...It's ok for you to want a woman whose cup size is at least average but it's not ok for a woman to want a man whose height is at least average??? Doesn't make any sense. you'd have more luck with girls from other ethnicities because average Caucasian's males and females height is higher than a lot of minorities height. Also, you know hair can grow, right? I never said it wasn't OK for women to prefer average height men. Sure I hate knowing that I'm not their preference because of what God "gave" me, but I don't actually blame them. All I can do is hope that she can look past that. Just like how I can look past a woman not being a C cup. And yes I know hair can grow. What's your point? @Teknoe Normally I'd ignore that type of post from you. But as it so happens, I've already been tested for various learning disabilities and came up perfectly normal. This was within 5 years actually. And this is precisely why you have such a hard time relating to women. You're fundamentally not interested in getting to know them. Bullsh*t. This pretty much says it. He's not interested in getting to know women he's not attracted to, not all women. If he finds a girl physically appealing then he wants to gets closer to her and know her better, but it seems the girls he fancies are not all that interested in getting to know him...beyond him being a friend. What do you expect me to do Kamille? somedude...this right here is actually a practical point worth your notice. I get that preferences are preferences, etc. However, as I recall, your own heritage is at least partially Hispanic, but you have said in the past you intensely dislike that bit about you (perhaps because you blame that heritage for your height). Yes, I blame my height solely on the fact that I'm half Cuban. Everybody on my dad's side of the family, except for my dad, is 5'6 or shorter. All the men on my mom's side are 5'9 or taller. If my mom had me with a white guy, instead of trying to spite her father by marrying a man not like him, I'd be full white and at least 5'10. And if I were at least 5'10, I'm betting there is a 99% chance would have had a GF by now. Most likely married. I don't know if that's why you won't date Hispanic women, but it certainly seems possible. There's lots of stuff buried there, as I recall from your posts on the topic. I have no problem dating Hispanic women. Where did you get that though from? Heck, the second most recent girl I asked out is Mexican. Well, that self-hating is getting you nowhere, obviously. And maybe you should really think about this, if you really are so concerned with the height issue. Why wouldn't you at least consider dating women of other ethnicities, to whom you might be of "normal" height or "acceptable" height or whatever adjective you prefer? I mean really, why on Earth not? What have you got to lose here?Just because I prefer white doesn't mean I'm not open to anything else. So far I've been rejected by: White, Black, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, and Korean girls. All that's really left is to get turned down by a middle Easter girl. Actually, I wanted to ask out a girl who was born in Jordan, but she was Muslim and not allowed to date. She was really cool. I haven't seen her in forever, I wonder how she's doing. Somedude, I want you to be honest. What would you say to me if I came on here complaining that I couldn’t find a date, and then I proceeded to post the following thread: I’m having trouble finding a date, but I want a man who looks like a man. He needs to be attractive because I am. He must meet the following requirements or I can’t be attracted to him: Full head of hair, at least average height (but really, TBH, I’d never be completely happy with anyone under 6’. If my BF was under 6’, I’d ogle all the tall men and wish my BF was tall), good body, and he also needs to be white. I'm 30, but I like the young, cute ones, so it'd be great if he was around 20. Why can’t I find a date? I’m really confused. First off all, I get what you are saying about the height thing and how it's parrell to my breast obsession, but I've said countless times, that I'd be perfectly fine with a woman who was average size, but bigger is preferred. So to you, you'd prefer a guy who is 6' and even ogle them, but be perfectly happy with a guy who is 5'9. All of your other preferences seem fine. The age is kind of iffy, but it really depends on how young you look and act. As for why can't find a date, the first thing I'd do is ask you why you think you can't. Then go for there. It would have nothing to do with your preferences. We understand that. But flip it....wouldn't sd want the women who are "only attracted to men 5'10 and up" to get to know him, and see if there is a spark with him? Is it impossible that he could find an unexpected spark with a woman who has short hair, or a fat belly? And since he isn't dating anyone, why not get to know some women better and see what happens? It really depends on how short her hair is. I just don't like girls with boy hair cuts. And I don't think it would be a good idea to try and convince her to grow it out. As for the fat belly and height thing. It's commonly accepted that a short man is equivalent to a fat woman. Even though women can lose weight and men can't get taller, that's just the way it is. Now how does the ratio go? Does it make sense to say that for every inch below average, is worth 5 lbs of being overweight? Or would it equal 10 pounds of overweight? Just how important is a man's height? Sure. I would even say that's exactly the problem. Once the physical criteria are there, he's all in. Can't imagine that makes him a good flirt. Having other criteria might helps him 1. Ask relevant questions to get to know whether these women and him are actually a match, and 2. Make him better at playfully chatting up women. So you are saying I should flirt with and get to know women I have absolutely no interest in? Why? No, the same would be saying you prefer long hair, but have had crushes on a couple women with short hair, Done you prefer averaged sized, but have been very attracted to a couple plus sized women and a couple waifs, etc. Done on both counts. Though attracted and not very attracted.
Kamille Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 So you are saying I should flirt with and get to know women I have absolutely no interest in? Why? No. Not what I said. I said you should take an interest in more than a woman's looks. So, when you find a woman who meets all your physical criteria, you should also be interested in getting to know her character and personality before deciding that you're into her.
zengirl Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 So the only thing that makes me shallow is that I vocalize what I like? No, it's the way you internalize and vocalize it, as well as the degree to which you fixate on the physical. Shallowness is, in a general sense, fixating on shallow characteristics, in this case physical ones, and putting a lot of weight on them. You put very little weight on other features -- even with your crush, you said you lost attraction to her when she cut her hair. That's an extreme focus on the physical, more so than I think most people have. It's also a problematic expression of such, because when you're actually WITH someone (which I know you haven't experienced -- and your feelings may well change if you are), the person changes, physically, over time, and something like a haircut should be fairly meaningless for anyone who's not shallow, I'd say. So, no, it's not just vocalizing it, and it's not the preferences themselves. It's the degree to which your focus gets drawn to those characteristics. You also fixate on YOUR physical characteristics, both perceived 'failings' and what you feel makes you at a level to which you 'deserve' someone at a similar physical level --- which is not how dating works, generally, and is also a very shallow concept. Then that goes both ways for women who talk about what they want then. I actually find it more shallow the way you talk about what you DON'T want OR when you talk about what you seem to feel you 'deserve' than simply saying what you want. If you say, "I think long hair and big boobs are sexy," I'd be basically, "Well, yeah, many men do," but I wouldn't find it all that shallow. So, that's not really what I mean. In other words, "I want someone I'm attracted to" just keeps the list in their heads. That goes along with what I said above. Not really. They also stay open to their attraction evolving or being attracted to someone they may not expect to, because instead of having some random standards, impacted by the world around them or their expectations of what they think they want, they are open to more possibilities. They may be able to say what they've been most attracted to in the past and find commonalities, but they aren't so fixated on it that they consider everyone else to not even count, etc. To somebody with half a brain. What are the characteristic of what physically defines a man? You can think of at least four things right? I'll even give you a freebie by including height. So that person is not entitled to their preferences is what you're saying? You didn't answer my question. Personally, I don't think slimness or big breasts defines a woman or tallness or whatever else defines a man. I don't try to redefine woman or man, but rather use the definitions we already have. Looks are only the first thing that comes to mind. There is also a bunch of stuff I want in a partner. But as I said before, none of them really matter if the attraction is not there. Women are the same way. Unless you can convince me otherwise that women don't need to be attracted to their partners. No one suggested people don't need to be attracted to their partners. That doesn't mean everyone thinks about attraction the same way you do or has a shallow view of it. So just stop talking about it? And of course you know I only talk about my preferences here right? Thought patterns make a big difference in life, IMO. I know you disagree, but I believe your thoughts & beliefs impact how people react to you and how you act in the world. There are other criteria, but what is the point of focusing on them? You attract things from the energy you put out. You've complained about women with shallow preferences that eliminated you before --- that's the context in which I first brought "shallow" up. If you want to attract less shallow women, you have to focus on other qualities. That's what less shallow women tend to want. If you don't want that and want to up the ante in more 'shallow' ways and build qualities that would attract more shallow partners (obviously not height, but other ways, a bunch of which were suggested to you in either this thread or the last one - not sure which but read it today), then that could work too. And as I said before, the only reason I seem to fixate on looks, is because I don't have a clue what qualities really matters. Frankly, I'm trying to keep the list of requirements as short as possible. To the latter: I think what you are seeing is that many women do not like this. Women who are not shallow, especially, will not like if you are mostly fixated on their looks and don't place appropriate value on other qualities. In theory, I somewhat get why you would think it was a good idea, but I think it's actually counterproductive. My advice to you would be to think about what a good R would be, besides just the physical/sexual and put some of your energy towards thinking about what qualities you'd want to build there. I'd also suggest 'loosening up' your thoughts about their looks and just accepting attraction or non-attraction, without so much analysis of your own looks or others' looks. Whatever zengirl. I bet you could come up with a list of physical requirements you have in men if you thought about it for a couple of minutes. Not really. Attractive to me -- but I will say Hubby does not look like any man I've ever dated. I could list general trends in my preferences throughout time, and I could say things like "I prefer a clean-shaven man" (though Hubby is almost never clean-shaven, including right now!) but they aren't at all requirements. They're fluid preferences. The two seem very different to me, and to some others on this thread. Perhaps you don't get the distinction, but the fact that it exists for some makes it worth thinking about if you lack success. 3
Teknoe Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Bullsh*t. This pretty much says it. It does, doesn't it. That's one of your most common replies in any thread you post here. Someone will offer you a possibility, and you'll instantly cut it down with your BS comment, and move on, rather than engaging the person to see how legitimate that possibility might be. You ask for advice, but only want to hear the "positive" things. And zengirl is correct, you can claim all you want "But you know I only talk about these things online, right?" but THOUGHT LIFE MATTERS. A lot. Plus, you are online a lot. And we all know you're a thinker. Not a good combo. You've also said stuff in the past like "You know D never knew I didn't have friends right? She saw me talking with acquaintances on campus, but they were strictly school friends." You talk about negative things and try to mask your weaknesses, AND YOU KNOW THEY AREN'T GOOD THINGS EXACTLY, when you should be working on addressing them. It's like saying "I smoke and I know she hates guys who smoke, but you do know I never smoked in FRONT of her, right?" It's deception. Plain and simple. A real relationship will never be established in a healthy manner when it's based on aspects of deception. BTW saying "BS" doesn't automatically make it so. In your world, maybe. But not in the real world.
ascendotum Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) We understand that. But flip it....wouldn't sd want the women who are "only attracted to men 5'10 and up" to get to know him, and see if there is a spark with him? I'm sure he wouldn't mind this, but maybe he hopes there should still be enough of the single woman market for him, when it comes to shorter than average women who could still have a preference for a guy taller than them, but so not so much so that sd would still be a contender. Is it impossible that he could find an unexpected spark with a woman who has short hair, or a fat belly? No not at all. I would suspect he would have a better chance of finding a gf if he to consider such women. I can tell sd considers what he wants in a gf is not asking too much, and is digging his heels in over it, and in his mind women haven't compromised their requirements to go out with him over the past decade, so why should he. And since he isn't dating anyone, why not get to know some women better and see what happens?I agree with you on this. I think he needs to broaden his options just for this aspect, though ultimately it comes down to what he thinks will make him the happiest....staying single or comprimising. One of the things with some guys (and I reckon this also applies to women) who have been single for a while is that they feel they have already compromised (not the ideal word) in a way, by having to be single and struggling to get their desired gf/bf for years. They still want a good gf/bf just as much, but now also for the reason of "to make up for time they missed out". Reality is though, the opposite sex does not care about that. I feel ideally for sd, a woman in her 20s that he admires needs to spend a little time with him and give him unbiased, no sugar coating it, feedback on what it is about him that is not attracting women (advice from a friend's gf would be a start). I know a few guys that really struggled to get women, even though the guys weren't bad looking and had good careers. It was their personality. They were introverted (but not too shy), not fun loving, serious/intense personalities (boring even), did not have broad interests, tended to be pessimists/complainers, were not adventerous at all, or had other little qwirks like no expression in their voice or slightly stiff body movement or difficulty making eye contact or standing too close when talking. Also I guess due to the nature of their personality there was resistance to change. They were not looking for bubbly, out going, girly type girls, but still even with quite natured, avg life, avg looks girls they had a hard time getting them interested. Nice enough guys but zero charisma/charm for women. Edited May 8, 2012 by ascendotum
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) No. Not what I said. I said you should take an interest in more than a woman's looks. So, when you find a woman who meets all your physical criteria, you should also be interested in getting to know her character and personality before deciding that you're into her. But I already do that. That's how I determine if I want to actually spend time with a girl. And people often tell me that I spend too long doing that and end up getting friendzoned because I wait too long in asking her out. Seriously that's how I decided on pursuing D. There were about three other girls in that class I was interested in and she wasn't the prettiest one. But when I got to know her, her personality, sense of humor, energy type, interests and hobbies, then I decided to focus on her. Then she rejected me about a month later and basically I just ended up wasting my time on her. No, it's the way you internalize and vocalize it, as well as the degree to which you fixate on the physical. Shallowness is, in a general sense, fixating on shallow characteristics, in this case physical ones, and putting a lot of weight on them. You put very little weight on other features Meh, at this point I feel I'm repeating myself. -- even with your crush, you said you lost attraction to her when she cut her hair. That's an extreme focus on the physical, more so than I think most people have. It's also a problematic expression of such, because when you're actually WITH someone (which I know you haven't experienced -- and your feelings may well change if you are), the person changes, physically, over time, and something like a haircut should be fairly meaningless for anyone who's not shallow, I'd say. I said I lost some attraction. Let me put it this way. Say your H has a hair style that you really like and think it looks good on him. Then he comes home one day with a hair style that you don't like at all. I'm talking about that feeling. And please don't tell me that you would like every possible hairstyle in the world. You also fixate on YOUR physical characteristics, both perceived 'failings' and what you feel makes you at a level to which you 'deserve' someone at a similar physical level --- which is not how dating works, generally, and is also a very shallow concept. That's because I believe my looks are the primary thing holding me back. I know that if a girl took the time to get to know me and give me a chance to date her, she'd be pleasantly surprised. actually find it more shallow the way you talk about what you DON'T want OR when you talk about what you seem to feel you 'deserve' than simply saying what you want. If you say, "I think long hair and big boobs are sexy," I'd be basically, "Well, yeah, many men do," but I wouldn't find it all that shallow. So, that's not really what I mean. Read over what I said in post #6. Personally, I don't think slimness or big breasts defines a woman or tallness or whatever else defines a man. I don't try to redefine woman or man, but rather use the definitions we already have. Who said anything about redefining? I asked you what are the physical characteristics. Thought patterns make a big difference in life, IMO. I know you disagree, but I believe your thoughts & beliefs impact how people react to you and how you act in the world. And that's because people can read my thought patterns, and know that I'm shallow because I have preferences. Zengirl, I just want a woman who is attractive to me. My advice to you would be to think about what a good R would be, besides just the physical/sexual and put some of your energy towards thinking about what qualities you'd want to build there. And how the hell can I do that? That's like trying to learn how to ride a bike by reading it in a book. Edited May 8, 2012 by somedude81
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You would be SUCH an easy target for fleecing by pretty strippers ...
LittlePrince Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You would be SUCH an easy target for fleecing by pretty strippers ... I sense some jealousy toward pretty women or strippers here.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer You would be SUCH an easy target for fleecing by pretty strippers ... I sense some jealousy toward pretty women or strippers here. ??? How'd you get that? Because I think they could have an easy time divesting SD of all his pocket money? Hardly! I love pretty strippers!
LittlePrince Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer ??? How'd you get that? Because I think they could have an easy time divesting SD of all his pocket money? Hardly! I love pretty strippers! So this is a sexual fantasy of yours then.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 You would be SUCH an easy target for fleecing by pretty strippers ... Ha! Nope. I actually don't like strip clubs that much. Frankly, I get freaked out when they get too close and try to get me to buy a dance. I just don't like the environment and prefer them to keep their distance.
Star Gazer Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Somedude, I want you to be honest. What would you say to me if I came on here complaining that I couldn’t find a date, and then I proceeded to post the following thread: I’m having trouble finding a date, but I want a man who looks like a man. He needs to be attractive because I am. He must meet the following requirements or I can’t be attracted to him: Full head of hair, at least average height (but really, TBH, I’d never be completely happy with anyone under 6’. If my BF was under 6’, I’d ogle all the tall men and wish my BF was tall), good body, and he also needs to be white. I'm 30, but I like the young, cute ones, so it'd be great if he was around 20. Why can’t I find a date? I’m really confused. First, I don't think anything is wrong with the above post. Again, we're all entitled to our physical preferences. Second, I would identify popular female LS posters who basically post just that, but I'd probably get an infraction. Rarely are those women LSers called shallow. Instead, they're called unrealistic, or hypocrites. Finally, SD may be a hypocrite, but I'm not seeing how he's shallow.
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