ferrari1986 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hello, I have been with my current and only girlfriend for quite some time now, close to 4 years. We were great friends before we started dating, and overall our relationship is going very well. I absolutely adore the person she is. However, recently I have been having some thoughts (and dreams) of dating other women. In the dreams I am still with my current girlfriend but I am in an inner-conflict because I am close with another girl but as previously stated, still in a relationship with my girlfriend. Basically, I feel like I am just curious to know what other girls are like. I have had some brief hook-ups I guess you could call them with other girls, but nothing meaningful at all. I feel like I want to experience what it is like to be with other girls, but at the same time of course I dont want to screw up my relationship with my girlfriend. Obviously I cant have it both ways, and I know that, I'm just hoping for any advice, previous experience or just some general comments of how I should proceed or try to deal with these thoughts I am having.
bean1 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Tell your girlfriend the truth. You aren't ready to commit to one woman. Then break up with her. If you really care about her, you'll do it the nice way instead of hurting her. You are still young, there's nothing wrong with how you feel, but do the right thing. It sounds as if you are already heading into cheating so either go no contact with this "other girl" or let your girlfriend go.
dasein Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Welcome to the forums. Those thoughts are natural, as any honest person will admit. We all fantasize about others than the SO while in relationships, especially after years with the same person. Will assume these hookups you've had with other women weren't while dating your GF, and were over four years ago. If not, you are facing a much more serious problem than fantasy. The dating pool is a rough place today, full of low quality people. If you have someone who is good for you in every other way, and loves and respects you without drama and conflict, treasure that, as it is not the norm today. When you make the choice to love and respect someone, you will naturally be able to discount any wayward fantasy thoughts that come up. So it's simple, if you want to stay with your GF, love and respect her, and don't allow yourself to indulge fantasies when they arise. If your feelings are a product of not loving your GF any more, break up and move on. Good luck.
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Sounds like you aren't ready to be in an exclusive relationship if you are wanting to date other women. Break it off with your gf, and then date others. As you said, you can't have both. You have to pick one or the other (gf or non-exclusive dating).
dasein Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I disagree that a few dreams and fantasies are, in and of themselves, grounds to break up or feel one isn't ready for a LTR. OP has been dating his GF 4 yrs, so has obviously done just fine in the LTR department (provided his hookups were before that). We don't have any control over our dreams. The fact that OP came here to post about it says he is a thoughtful person.
xxoo Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I can share that I married young, had some of these feelings in my mid 20s, shared them with my H (because he's my best friend and who else would I tell??), but it simply passed. Still happily married, more than 10 years later. The grass sometimes seems greener. I'm grateful that I didn't give up what we have to realize that my own grass was tops
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I disagree that a few dreams and fantasies are, in and of themselves, grounds to break up or feel one isn't ready for a LTR. OP has been dating his GF 4 yrs, so has obviously done just fine in the LTR department (provided his hookups were before that). We don't have any control over our dreams. The fact that OP came here to post about it says he is a thoughtful person. He says he wants to experience what it's like to be with other girls. If he is having those feelings, and he never had a relationship with another woman before this one, then he is better off being free to experience what he feels he missed out on. Better to do that now, than start feeling that way years from now, when he's married with children.
Onlyjonley Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Sounds like you aren't ready to be in an exclusive relationship if you are wanting to date other women. Break it off with your gf, and then date others. As you said, you can't have both. You have to pick one or the other (gf or non-exclusive dating). Not sure I agree with that. My best friend married her first and only boyfriend and she loves him more than anything, and they are an awesome couple. But she says she still wishes she could have dated around before marrying him and wonders what it would have been like with other people. I'm extremely happy with my boyfriend, but I admit I still wonder sometimes what another relationship would be like. It doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend and it doesn't mean I'd ever act on it.
Pierre Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Sounds like you aren't ready to be in an exclusive relationship if you are wanting to date other women. Break it off with your gf, and then date others. As you said, you can't have both. You have to pick one or the other (gf or non-exclusive dating). The wanting is OK as long as he does not act on it. It is impossible to be faithful at the cerebral level. Some cheaters feel it is OK to cheat because they have the fantasies. The fantasy about cheating is normal, however acting that out is deceptive. I am certain the GF of the OP has fantasies with other men too. That is normal. If you have a good GF consider yourself lucky. The grass may look greener on the other side, but you will regret it. BTW, feel free to use your imagination to spice your sex life-------it works quite well. 1
RiverRunning Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Everyone wonders what the grass is like on the other side. My ex and I had some problems and throughout our relationship I wondered about other men. Most of the problems we had were because of him - but even after they cleared up, I was still unhappy. Don't get me wrong - leaving the relationship at that time was a GOOD thing. But now that I've been out on the dating circuit for 6 or so months...I realize what the grass is like. Sure, I've met guys who are, SO FAR, decent. But mostly I've met a lot of guys who are cheaters, have control and/or anger issues, are extremely jealous and possessive (including one guy who, after chatting to him a few times, he requested I take down my dating profile and stop talking to anyone else EXCEPT FOR HIM. lol). Now I realize that EVERY relationship has problems and that I can't continually live life looking for the next best thing. I can say after getting more experience that experience is pretty overrated. I would have rather stayed in my last relationship.
Author ferrari1986 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Thanks everyone for the responses, it is greatly appreciated. I just want to add that I dont think I'm not looking to be committed. Commitment to me is not an issue at all. Like I said, my girlfriend is the only girl that I have had a relationship with in my life. So naturally, a part of me wonders what else is out there, if Im missing something, etc. This isn't to say that I want to have non-exclusive relationships, but simply just curiosity. And if I find something out there, I would have no problem committing to that person. Reading some of your experiences has really been enlightening. I thank all of you for taking the time to share. I have a lot to think about.
Pierre Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Everyone wonders what the grass is like on the other side. My ex and I had some problems and throughout our relationship I wondered about other men. Most of the problems we had were because of him - but even after they cleared up, I was still unhappy. Don't get me wrong - leaving the relationship at that time was a GOOD thing. But now that I've been out on the dating circuit for 6 or so months...I realize what the grass is like. Sure, I've met guys who are, SO FAR, decent. But mostly I've met a lot of guys who are cheaters, have control and/or anger issues, are extremely jealous and possessive (including one guy who, after chatting to him a few times, he requested I take down my dating profile and stop talking to anyone else EXCEPT FOR HIM. lol). Now I realize that EVERY relationship has problems and that I can't continually live life looking for the next best thing. I can say after getting more experience that experience is pretty overrated. I would have rather stayed in my last relationship. My ex-wife was a virgin and she always had these fantasies. One day after being married for 20 years she hooked up with a classmate from HS after they met on line. She did not want to go to the tomb being with only one man. This ended the marriage and as far as I can tell she is very sorry.
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Better to satisfy your curiosity early on, and then pursue a committed relationship, rather than the other way around. I've seen too many cases where a married person decides he never got to experience his carefree youth and single dating before committing to one person, so he decides to partake after the fact. Better to get that out of your system now than later. Of course, there are many people who found their spouse early in life and never regretted not having a lot of dating experience. But it sounds like the OP is having regrets. Better to satisfy the urge to see what's out there now, rather than years later, after he's married.
bac Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 (edited) She is not your wife. You might want to figure out your feelings. Your GF should not know about your doubts. You never know before you try. You might try to have sex with several other girls. Then, you will see what you really want to stay with your current GF or to go with other options. IMO There are too many husbands cheating on their wives and neglecting their kids. Edited May 7, 2012 by bac
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Don't go exploring or seeing what's out there while keeping your gf in the dark. That would be cheating, and not fair to your gf. If you do decide you want to see others, have the decency to break up with your gf first.
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