William Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Thread topic: My question is: Is it possible to prevent someone from having an A? How could this be done? I don't want to have a conversation with this man but I would like for him to know that he should work on his M and love his W. He said apart from the lack of sex, everything is great with her. Again, this was a conversation which occurred eight months ago, but I have been thinking about it recently. What would you do? Or is it noone's responsibility but his own? This is not about the thread starter's personal life/past history. Additionally, since it is not about a direct participation as a WS or BS, it's off-topic for infidelity under the new guidelines, which are posted at the top of the forum, so will be moved as a courtesy. Stay on-topic and avoid personal attacks and remain off my moderation queue. That is all.
Author Bellechica Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Just an update about the man I referred to in the OP: A large group of us at work went out, and question arose about various states now having marriage amendments to state constitutions. Along in the conversation, this man made a comment about monogamy not being biologically natural. I said does your W know you feel that way? He said she would probably agree with him. It was actually an interesting discussion and most of the people agreed that monogamy isn't natural but that most people strive for it based on societal views and that it benefits children to be in a stable relationship.
nofool4u Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 And your point relating to the premise of this thread is??
Author Bellechica Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 The majority of posters here have agreed that ultimately a person will make his or her own choices. I have taken their advice to mention his wife if the man about whom the thread was started brings up having an A or in the case today, a discussion about monogamy.
Alice2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Just an update about the man I referred to in the OP: A large group of us at work went out, and question arose about various states now having marriage amendments to state constitutions. Along in the conversation, this man made a comment about monogamy not being biologically natural. I said does your W know you feel that way? He said she would probably agree with him. It was actually an interesting discussion and most of the people agreed that monogamy isn't natural but that most people strive for it based on societal views and that it benefits children to be in a stable relationship. So he's putting out his feelers yet AGAIN. You shouldn't be out with your co-workers.
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 So he's putting out his feelers yet AGAIN. You shouldn't be out with your co-workers. I agree. She is putting herself right out there again for another cheating episode. IMO, at least in the short term, cheaters that are interested in making it right with the person they betrayed should be on house arrest for a little while.
The Humbler Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Speaking from personal experience and discussions with countless men throughout my life I may be able to provide some insight. First of all a good 90% of the time the cheating is not about the sex. It's about the man meeting someone who finds him interesting, likes his sense of humor and laughs at his jokes, makes him feel attractive and desirable and genuinely seems excited to spend time with him. You know, all the things his wife did at the beginning of their relationship. The sad fact is that for a variety of reasons many women lose interest in physical intimacy over time with even simple affection like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. diminishing to next to none. This all eventually leads to the man feeling hurt, lonely and vulnerable to the first woman who makes him feel good about himself again. People overwhelmingly blame and ostracize the cheating men for their actions, but I have never met one who didn't try desperately for a long time to work things out with his wife before, out of desperation for normal human affection, went outside of the marriage/relationship. Obviously this doesn't apply to all. Some men are simply serial cheaters incapable of maintaining monogamous relationships regardless of what their partners are like. But, believe it or not, those are the minority.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Just an update about the man I referred to in the OP: A large group of us at work went out, and question arose about various states now having marriage amendments to state constitutions. Along in the conversation, this man made a comment about monogamy not being biologically natural. I said does your W know you feel that way? He said she would probably agree with him. It was actually an interesting discussion and most of the people agreed that monogamy isn't natural but that most people strive for it based on societal views and that it benefits children to be in a stable relationship. I'd bet money his wife would NOT agree with him. It's just HIS way of relieving his guilty conscience that KNOWS he intends to cheat. Did you tell HIM that part in front of everyone? You should have - since you're practicing honesty now.
Author Bellechica Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Speaking from personal experience and discussions with countless men throughout my life I may be able to provide some insight. First of all a good 90% of the time the cheating is not about the sex. It's about the man meeting someone who finds him interesting, likes his sense of humor and laughs at his jokes, makes him feel attractive and desirable and genuinely seems excited to spend time with him. You know, all the things his wife did at the beginning of their relationship. The sad fact is that for a variety of reasons many women lose interest in physical intimacy over time with even simple affection like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. diminishing to next to none. This all eventually leads to the man feeling hurt, lonely and vulnerable to the first woman who makes him feel good about himself again. People overwhelmingly blame and ostracize the cheating men for their actions, but I have never met one who didn't try desperately for a long time to work things out with his wife before, out of desperation for normal human affection, went outside of the marriage/relationship. Obviously this doesn't apply to all. Some men are simply serial cheaters incapable of maintaining monogamous relationships regardless of what their partners are like. But, believe it or not, those are the minority. I think what you've said makes sense, The Humbler. I think it also applies to some WWs as well. It isn't an excuse, but it does help explain how people who think they aren't capable of cheating end up in an A.
Author Bellechica Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Yes, 2Sunny, I did ask him in front of everyone.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Yes, 2Sunny, I did ask him in front of everyone. I'd bet money his wife would NOT agree with him. It's just HIS way of relieving his guilty conscience that KNOWS he intends to cheat. Did you tell HIM that part in front of everyone? You should have - since you're practicing honesty now. You asked his specifically if he was just saying that to relieve his guilty conscience because he knows he wants to cheat? You asked him that (it's honest, yes?) in front of everyone?
Author Bellechica Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 No I just asked him if his W knew his views on monogamy. I didn't ask him if he is contemplating having an A. He isn't my responsibility, but just knowing what I know now and the pain I've been through and the pain disclosure could cause, I would just hope someone who hasn't strayed would WAKE UP and work on his M.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 No I just asked him if his W knew his views on monogamy. I didn't ask him if he is contemplating having an A. He isn't my responsibility, but just knowing what I know now and the pain I've been through and the pain disclosure could cause, I would just hope someone who hasn't strayed would WAKE UP and work on his M. So you had an opportunity to express honest words but you didn't DO THAT? You already KNOW he's contemplating an affair. He's given YOU that EVIDENCE - yet you participated by staying quiet... About what you DO KNOW. That's still lying by omission. You have now shown him that you are a person who helps him with his secret - all that just by staying quiet with what truth you DO know. When presented with opportu ites to have a voice and speak your truth- its best to say something rather than nothing - especially if staying quiet supports the lie. You aren't responsible for him- but you are responsible for you - speaking your truth is part of getting authentic and honest.
Author Bellechica Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I know it might surprise you since my presence on LS irks some people, but I'm not a troublemaker. I couldn't just say in front of everyone at lunch, "yeah you don't believe in monogamy because you want to bang me."
twosadthings Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You said the above with such disdain particularly coming from a woman who was in the middle of a sleezy affair at the time he wanted to bang you as you so delicately put it. Did you ever consider that the vibes you were giving off were those of a female in heat? If he sensed it others did too. I have said times before that I think it is dangerous for you to continue posting on here or in SI. Not physically dangerous but hazzardous to your marriage your husband and children and your sanity. I think you are keeping your affair going by inviting all of the negative comments your posts generate. In my opinion you need introspection about why you did what you did not continued annalysis by the posters here as to what you did. For myself I am wondering why I continue posting here myself. As I have said before I have loved the same woman for over forty years and have never betrayed her or have been betrayed by her. I think what I will do when we return home next week is start my own thread of why I've come to this site and what I've gotten from it.
OhHey Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I have prevented an affair kind of. I didn't know it was happening for a while, but I got vibes and did some investigating. Turns out my BIL was cheating with a girl at his night job. I gathered evidence and told him it will be him or I that tells my sister...either way I wil make sure he is out of my family. We fought a bloody battle, I got arrested and charged with assult. It was so worth it..... to have him out of my family. I don't put up with that sh&t
Author Bellechica Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Twosadthings, I have tried numerous times to pm you. All failed. For all of you, no one sets out in life to be a cheater. Two years ago I would be as self righteous as most people here. It's easy to condemn. It's easy to say you'd never cheat, but I know now that no one can ever know someone else's situation.
Frootloop Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) No. I don't think that you can prevent another person from having an affair, you can just keep it from being with YOU. Seriously, in my lifetime, I have been both the BS and the WS. I understand how you feel and how the other party feels, and even as the BS, I cannot condemn you as some others have. Marriage relationships are so complicated, and now here we have a totally different thread, with people still picking up the attack. It is not your responsibility to keep this man in check or prevent him from having an affair, you just need to continue working on yourself and your marriage. I know this is a VERY unpopular viewpoint, but that's okay. Also, as far as you "sending out a vibe" many women know it simply does not always work that way. I am not at the peak of my physical fitness AT ALL, I wear my hair in a perpetual bun, and dress very conservatively. I also have ZERO sex drive, so I know I am not putting out some kind of bizarre pheromone, yet I am constantly hit in by other men. Older men, younger men, whatever. Some women just attract that kind of attention without seeking it out in any way. Edited May 19, 2012 by Frootloop Another autocorrect failure
2sunny Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 No. I don't think that you can prevent another person from having an affair, you can just keep it from being with YOU. Seriously, in my lifetime, I have been both the BS and the WS. I understand how you feel and how the other party feels, and even as the BS, I cannot condemn you as some others have. Marriage relationships are so complicated, and now here we have a totally different thread, with people still picking up the attack. It is not your responsibility to keep this man in check or prevent him from having an affair, you just need to continue working on yourself and your marriage. I know this is a VERY unpopular viewpoint, but that's okay. Also, as far as you "sending out a vibe" many women know it simply does not always work that way. I am not at the peak of my physical fitness AT ALL, I wear my hair in a perpetual bun, and dress very conservatively. I also have ZERO sex drive, so I know I am not putting out some kind of bizarre pheromone, yet I am constantly hit in by other men. Older men, younger men, whatever. Some women just attract that kind of attention without seeking it out in any way. Don't fool yourself. There are thousands - if not more - of signals ( many very subtle) that the body gives off that lets men know you might consider it. Just the way someone sits in a chair could send serious "open signals". Don't be that naive...
Got it Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 OMG, seriously!?! A woman in heat!?! Okay I have been hit on at times I look and feel like crap and then not hit on when I am feeling like a million bucks and LOOKING to be hit on. I think attraction in each person is different and how one perceives another attractiveness has actually little to do with the other party. And there are MANY times I am hit on by someone that I have zero interest in. I am not giving out signs. Shoot, for some people, just breathing and having breasts means you are putting it out there. I know that, oddly, I have been hit on more while I wore a wedding band than when I haven't. But that means little to me, when and why I am hit on. I either accept it or I don't/return the attraction. But I don't think I have ever felt like anyone or anything "in heat". My reproduction system works a bit different than other mammals that actually go into heat.
Author Bellechica Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 Ha! That was a great post! Yes, we are mammals, but having spent a few days with our dog while she went through her first heat and seeing the number of male dogs that came around and seeing her go crazy, um yes humans are different. We don't have to have "it" like a dog in heat. Yes, we have a biological drive to mate, but I think we also crave connection. There are physical components that each sex have that seem desirable in mating, but if we didn't have some control, we would be fornicating all the time. Sometimes we mess up, big time, but most of the time we can keep our pants and skirts on. Thank goodness for spaying and nuturing of pets though....
Recommended Posts