Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 I do feel out of the A. I feel more in control and less up and down emotionally. I have to attend a meeting in which the OM will be present, and I just hope it doesn't get to me. I feel like I'm out of it and I want to continue to feel that way. My boundary issues are my responsibility. I am keeping myself in check. We had one of our single guy friends stay over this weekend. He calls me a lot to talk about his break up. My H knows that a lot of our single guy friends call or text me for advice or just to get a female perspective. I discuss those conversations with my H. I was starting to think men and women couldn't be friends, but it is actually a matter of respecting my M. I will not text or discuss anything with our male friends that I think my H would disapprove of. I already set our friend up on a date. I think I am scarred by the As as to never want to be in one again. Again, if the MM brings up his M problems to me again, I am prepared.
Artie Lang Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 My boundary issues are my responsibility. I am keeping myself in check. We had one of our single guy friends stay over this weekend. He calls me a lot to talk about his break up. My H knows that a lot of our single guy friends call or text me for advice or just to get a female perspective. be that as it may, you should'nt engage in this anymore, Belle. there is no reason you should be talking to any man other than your husband, given what you've done. the only reason he's "comfortable" with this, is because he is totally oblivious to your cheating ways(2x). i'd be hard pressed to think he'd be as comfortable if he knew of your 2 prior affairs-- one of them being with a person he's familiar with. 2
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 You're probably right Artie. Even though I'm feeling stronger about my boundaries, I need to be focusing more on talking and texting with my H. He needs to be my only emotional connection with a man. He is right now and that is the only way I want it to be. You are right
2sunny Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 You're probably right Artie. Even though I'm feeling stronger about my boundaries, I need to be focusing more on talking and texting with my H. He needs to be my only emotional connection with a man. He is right now and that is the only way I want it to be. You are right Your male friends - encourage them to speak to your H about their emotions. That shouldn't be YOU at this time - given your past. I do have male friends... But MY BOUNDARY is VERY tight! Men don't get ANY idea that I'm there to listen to crap about their wife or GF. We talk sports, music and vacations etc. it IS conversations that if ANYONE overheard - it wouldn't be "embarrassing"! Nothing in any of our conversations is "secret". That's why YOUR HUSBAND should know! YOU are STILL keeping secrets from him - and that IS cheating BEHAVIOR! 1
Alice2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 (edited) I am keeping myself in check. We had one of our single guy friends stay over this weekend. He calls me a lot to talk about his break up. My H knows that a lot of our single guy friends call or text me for advice or just to get a female perspective. You're not keeping yourself in check. That is so far from keeping yourself in check. BTW, did the three of you drink over the weekend? Edited May 7, 2012 by Alice2012
bentnotbroken Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Your male friends - encourage them to speak to your H about their emotions. That shouldn't be YOU at this time - given your past. I do have male friends... But MY BOUNDARY is VERY tight! Men don't get ANY idea that I'm there to listen to crap about their wife or GF. We talk sports, music and vacations etc. it IS conversations that if ANYONE overheard - it wouldn't be "embarrassing"! Nothing in any of our conversations is "secret". That's why YOUR HUSBAND should know! YOU are STILL keeping secrets from him - and that IS cheating BEHAVIOR! There is no change in her thought process, patterns or whatever label is deemed appropriate. One cannot change what is not acknowledged. It is a pattern that is doomed to end the same way...until her husband finds out and puts a stop to it. 2
seren Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Way, way back in the mists of time when I was young(er) and single, a married man I knew came and sat by the bar and told me all about how he had a thing for me and that he and his wife were not getting on etc. Over a few weeks, his conversations got more flirtatous and he asked me out. My answer to this very good looking man was to say, go home, speak with your wife, it's not me you want but by the sound of it, it's for you and your wife to be OK. I also reminded him that he had three lovely girls and that if I were to go out with him, that I would never feel for him what his wife did. Sent him home. A couple of days later, he comes back to say that he had left his wife and would I now go out with him, said no, he needed to go home and speak with his wife, asked if he loved her and he said yes. Then the conversation turned to how best to fix things. I was 19 at the time and when I look back I remember feeling the same then as I do now. If they are married or involved, then they are off limits. I am pleased to say he and his wife sorted it out, but even if they did not, I wasn't so up myself to think that it was me he wanted, it was the fun and excitement that he once had with his wife and that with effort, he could have that again. Less time at the bar, more time with his family. Simple? for me yes, have a boundary, draw a line and don't sross it, ever. 1
2sunny Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I think most men in this situation are hoping and counting on the woman he chooses as his prey - that she is weak enough to take his bait. The ones that don't think enough of themselves take it. The ones who are starved for attention take it- the ones who believe his empty words and lies that are designed to be sweet talking a woman - those are the women who say yes. Usually men watch and watch - long before they take action and make a move - they wait to see which woman may be vulnerable enough to accept his crumbs. 1
nofool4u Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 About eight months ago, a male "friend" and colleague started a conversation with me about his marriage. He mentioned that he had never had an A, but that he wasn't sexually satisfied in his M and that his W never wanted to have sex. Now why would he say this to a female "friend"? Answer: He was fishing for sex. He was hoping you'd hear his story and think to yourself, "hmmm, I'll be happy to oblige him" I did not discuss my M with him nor disclose to him that I was having an A. I could tell he was feeling me out to see if I was interested in him. Exactly. And you might not think he doesn't know you had an affair, but I bet he has an idea and figured you would entertain one with him since you already had one. I know his W, and their three children. I do not want to see another family destroyed by D. And why would you think this will happen if you aren't entertaining the idea of giving in to his fishing efforts? My question is: Is it possible to prevent someone from having an A? How could this be done? Only way is to tell them they are being fools and to not do anything stupid and realize they are blessed by having a family at home that loves them. Its about all you can do. I don't want to have a conversation with this man but I would like for him to know that he should work on his M and love his W. He said apart from the lack of sex, everything is great with her. Then tell him to grow up. And something tells me he isn't living in a sexless marriage, just not as much as he'd like. And he has a palm. IMO, most people telling an opposite sex friend they are living sexless, they simply want to have sex with someone who isn't the same old person they have been with and don't want to forsake all others. They want sex with someone different. What would you do? Or is it noone's responsibility but his own? Its his own responsibility, but I would tell a friend to not be stupid.
nofool4u Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Artie, Artie, Artie, It's not like I was seeking out an A or that I seek out men to have sex with, geez. One might be able to believe that if you only had one affair partner 4
2sunny Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Men pick up on energy - no need to " seek it out" they tends to come around propositioning when they sense that you might be willing to consider it. Like a dog in heat - they can smell it... 3
ISurvived Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Men pick up on energy - no need to " seek it out" they tends to come around propositioning when they sense that you might be willing to consider it. Like a dog in heat - they can smell it... This is true. It's usually easy to pick up on if you just observe for a little while. I'd be willing to bet that some in her workplace are aware of the A. OM probably told at least one other person. It's human nature. 1
Alice2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 This is true. It's usually easy to pick up on if you just observe for a little while. I'd be willing to bet that some in her workplace are aware of the A. OM probably told at least one other person. It's human nature. Totally agree. There is no such thing as "discreet" with a workplace affair. 2
JustJoe Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 With all due respect. The answer, Belle, is quite simple. Lie to him. You lie to your husband and have lied to the posters here, so obviously you are adept at it, why should this other guy be any different? 5
Author Bellechica Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 If he brings it up again or says anything about his wife, I will remind him how lovely she is and how great his kids are and that he really needs to discuss the issue with her or seek MC. Thanks for the feedback though
Author Bellechica Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I'm sure he will want to congratulate me on my promotion at work....
2long Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Part of his work involves giving relationship advice?!! Sounds like someone who should be turned into the authorities for abusing his position. Maybe your husband could do that. Well...scratch that. No, don't scratch that, it's a very good idea. -ol' 2long
SoMovinOn Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I would say having an affair is no different than anything else someone would choose to do. I know one cannot save someone from themselves. People will do whatever they choose, no matter how much you try to help them do otherwise. My advice to you is to forget about it.
2sunny Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 When people have affairs they are only selfishly thinking of themselves. Maybe you can help him understand what that looks like. Maybe you can get honest with him and tell him bold faced that he's being as selfish as one can be. This "exercise" would test your ability to start getting honest.
JustJoe Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 OK, cut to the chase. This all happened 8 months ago, right? Why bring it up now? What this thread is really about is an attempt by Bellechica to show how she is REALLY a good, moral person, and we should not hold her continued deceit of her husband and family, against her. Belle, do you really think you are fooling anybody? 3
ISurvived Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 OK, cut to the chase. This all happened 8 months ago, right? Why bring it up now? What this thread is really about is an attempt by Bellechica to show how she is REALLY a good, moral person, and we should not hold her continued deceit of her husband and family, against her. Belle, do you really think you are fooling anybody? Or, in some twisted way, she was telling us of her latest conquest? She has shown a propensity toward the unfaithful side. 2
JustJoe Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Exactly, if she will lie and deceive her husband, and wants to do so for the rest of his life, and have a false marriage, then why would any of us think she is being honest with us? Or take any advice from her, for that matter. She is talking about giving advice to somebody that may or may not have "hit on her", while she is still cheating, herself. Sounds like hypocrisy to me. 2
SomedayDig Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Or WE have all turned into her affair partners by continuing to respond to her day in and day out. As for me, I'm going NC with Belle.
ISurvived Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Or WE have all turned into her affair partners by continuing to respond to her day in and day out. As for me, I'm going NC with Belle. Agreed. NC for me as well. Like they say at the zoo, please don't feed the monkey's.
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