Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I have been reading through the various threads and seeing the devestation of families and hearing the horrible pain inflicted on the BS by the WSs choices to have an A. About eight months ago, a male "friend" and colleague started a conversation with me about his marriage. He mentioned that he had never had an A, but that he wasn't sexually satisfied in his M and that his W never wanted to have sex. I did not discuss my M with him nor disclose to him that I was having an A. I could tell he was feeling me out to see if I was interested in him. I was not and I am not, but I feel like if he had information that I have now learned from this forum and from all the readings I have done that he might realize how just by having that conversation with me was a betrayal to his W. I know his W, and their three children. I do not want to see another family destroyed by D. My question is: Is it possible to prevent someone from having an A? How could this be done? I don't want to have a conversation with this man but I would like for him to know that he should work on his M and love his W. He said apart from the lack of sex, everything is great with her. Again, this was a conversation which occurred eight months ago, but I have been thinking about it recently. What would you do? Or is it noone's responsibility but his own?
Owl Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Either make it clear to this man that you're not interested in 'helping' with his problem (which is almost certainly his motivation behind talking to you about this, although he'd never admit that to your face), or tell his wife about his 'conversation' with you. Clearly she'll find it highly inappropriate that he mentioned something like this to you. Or..say nothing, and end any kind of contact with this guy.
2sunny Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 It is your responsibility to be honest and suggest he be honest with HIS wife... If/when aman says those kinds of things to me I respond by saying: "YOU should tell those things to your WIFE - so SHE can understand how YOU feel - and she can either choose to change things in your marriage or divorce you so YOU can be happy"! "be HONEST with HER about how YOU feel - its only right that you share your feelings with your wife". 1
Spark1111 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Well, it definitely is his responsibility to fix his marriage. However, when someone approaches YOU complaining of their marriage, it is a HOOK often used to see if you will commiserate with them; if you are vulnerable enough and empathetic enough to not only listen, but to fuel an attraction and start sliding down that slippery slope to infidelity. In MC, we learned that talking of your marital problems to a stranger (other than together in counseling) is about the biggest disrespect to the marriage there is. Why aren't you talking to your spouse? So, IF someone starts to do that with YOU, the only proper response is to inform them that you know of a good counselor, hand them the phone number, and change the subject! Right there you have informed them that YOU respect marriage, want them to get help for there own, but will not talk about it anymore because it disrespects the spouse! Notice how happily married people find a way to introduce their spouse's name within a few minutes of conversation that has turned to personal topics? It is a way to say "Hey. I'm married and proud of it and I respect my spouse's thoughts, feelings so much, I have now introduced her by name to you."
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 First off, I would not be in private meetings alone with a MM wherein he was able to discuss his sexual relationship with his wife. And if such encounter was unavoidable, such as if we were both working late at the office, and he brought up such a topic, I would have said "You should talk to your wife about this. She's the one who you need to discuss this with, or go to see a marriage counselor." At this point, eight months later, you should not be confronting this man about his marriage or his relationship with his wife. Just stay away from him, and don't be alone with him. 1
anne1707 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Apart from what the others have said Belle, I would also be concerned that this man knew of or suspected you were having an affair already and therfore open to the idea an affair with him. Can you be absolutely sure that nobody at work suspects? After all, they are not necessarily going to say anything to your face. 2
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 At the time of the conversation, I did ask him if he had spoken with her about his concerns and he said yes, but that he had just learned to accept that she has no interest in sex. Again, since it's been eight months ago, I don't think I should bring up the conversation, but I also believe if he was open enough to have that conversation with me then he will more than likely end up cheating on his W. It certainly won't be with me. Thank you all for the posts. I was just wondering what different posters would do or if they have been in similar situations.
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Anne, I am very intun with the rumor mill in my workplace, and I'm pretty sure no one knows. The man who discussed his M with me has always been flirtatious. He was that way before the A. My H and I have been to their home and they have been to ours. I have seen him several times since the conversation and maybe since I showed no interest then he realized the conversation was inappropriate. He has never brought it up again.
anne1707 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Belle I am not attacking, just trying to help. My affair was at work too and whilst nothing was ever said to me, I would not like to put hand on heart and say that nobody ever suspected for one moment. My concern for you is that the rumour mill is something you will need to consider in your decision not to tell your H. 1
findingnemo Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 There are two questions that come to mind, Belle, in this kind of situation. The first is whether it is okay for a man to be telling me about his sex life or lack thereof. The fact is that I have male friends. I have mentioned before that we can have some serious talks about Rs and they are usually general. About the differences between men and women. Sometimes they will tell me about their Ms but also in general terms. I have been asked for advice before and there was zero intention on their part to take things in other directions. So if asked, I'd first wonder why I'm being asked. Most times it's shady but once in a while and depending on who it is, it is fine. The second question for me would be whether or not it is appropriate for me to give them an answer. I'm friends with their W's, you see. I personally wouldn't like my H talking to another woman about whether or not I do X, Y or Z. So I'd be very careful about weighing in on the subject. After all, you don't want a situation where a man goes back home and tells his W that Nemo agrees that the lack of sex is a big problem and therefore he is justified to sleep around. In other words, I don't want to be seen meddling in someone else's M. I know that you didn't ask whether it is okay or not to give advice but this is one of those cases where it actually best for you or anybody else to stay out of it. As for whether you can stop someone from having an A, I'm not convinced it can be done. I think that by the time someone starts talking about it, they've pretty much made up their minds. Sometimes they are already in an A and just want to see if others would understand. If a friend asked me if they should have an A or not, I'd tell them to stop wasting my time. They are already in an A. I'd rather someone was honest and just tells the truth. Only then can I offer them meaningful advice.
KathyM Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Anne, I am very intun with the rumor mill in my workplace, and I'm pretty sure no one knows. The man who discussed his M with me has always been flirtatious. He was that way before the A. My H and I have been to their home and they have been to ours. I have seen him several times since the conversation and maybe since I showed no interest then he realized the conversation was inappropriate. He has never brought it up again. Good. Hopefully he got the message that you are not interested and will not approach you about it again. If he does, just tell him he needs to work on this with his wife, and you don't feel right talking about this with him. Unfortunately, that is how MM lure APs into the affair--they start complaining about their sex life, and try to garner a sympathetic ear. Don't allow yourself to be roped into those types of conversations. The boundary has to come up right from the start, that he needs to discuss that with his wife, and that you don't feel right in talking to him about that. 1
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Oh Anne, I didn't think you were attacking me at all. Again, the exOM and I were very discrete. We don't work in the same division and we never went out to lunch together. We never rode in each other's vehicles. Thank you all again for the posts. If a man ever starts talking about his W or M in a negative way, I think I'm prepared for how to react.
findingnemo Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I'm confused... You actually suspect that this man wanted to have an A with you? Did you feel that way when he talked to you? I was typing when you all responded and missed those posts.
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Yes Nemo, I am pretty certain he was. When I see him at work now, we stick to small talk about our kids. We are usually in a group. I'm not going to bring up the conversation, but if it does come up, I'll handle it better this time.
jwi71 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 About eight months ago, a male "friend" and colleague started a conversation with me about his marriage. He mentioned that he had never had an A, but that he wasn't sexually satisfied in his M and that his W never wanted to have sex. I did not discuss my M with him nor disclose to him that I was having an A. I could tell he was feeling me out to see if I was interested in him. I was not and I am not, but I feel like if he had information that I have now learned from this forum and from all the readings I have done that he might realize how just by having that conversation with me was a betrayal to his W. Having conversations with friends about one's R or M is normal, healthy and to be encouraged. Everyone needs to vent to another at times. So, that in and of itself is not a betrayal per se. I know his W, and their three children. I do not want to see another family destroyed by D. Yet only the dumbest thickest densest person on Earth doesn't understand this. Except maybe politicians. What I mean to say is, we people embark on an A this is precisely what the WS wagers (and AP). The question for YOU Belle is WHY YOU did? My question is: Is it possible to prevent someone from having an A? How could this be done? Utterly impossible to prevent cheating in others. It is 100% impossible. You can only control yourself and as such you can only prevent or encourage your OWN decisions. I don't want to have a conversation with this man but I would like for him to know that he should work on his M and love his W. He said apart from the lack of sex, everything is great with her. What would you do? Or is it noone's responsibility but his own? That conversation in and of itself is, repeating myself, normal, healthy and to be encouraged. The problem begins when one of you two went from friends seeking/needing support to having an A. In terms of responsibility, you are responsible for creating the conditions of a R and the choices available - NOT the choice itself. I can take you to Baskin Robbins, I can even order and pay for it - but I CANT make you eat it. That's on YOU. 1
findingnemo Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Oh...okay. In that case just tell him that if you were his W, you'd be angry and that he should try to sort things out with her. I bet he'll freak out. And...ignore my earlier post. 1
skylarblue Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I don’t think YOU can prevent your “friend’s” A. If he is a “friend” (which I’m taking as a co-worker/acquaintance) then I think it is inappropriate for him to have that discussion with you, and it was a way of feeling you out. Why wouldn't he have discussed something like that with a close male buddy? You didn’t respond with interest, so he left it alone. Had you showed some interest I’m pretty sure he would have continued to engage you over the 8mos. I think you responded appropriately by mentioning he talk to his W (in which he said he did) and just leaving it at that. Even if he was a close friend of yours, you could talk to him until you’re blue in the face, PEOPLE WILL DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. Some will take heed and make the right choice, some will make the wrong choice, but everyone makes they’re OWN choice.
Artie Lang Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Is it possible to prevent someone from having an A? How could this be done? sure there is. it's called having healthy boundaries. if i may ask. how is it you were able to keep your composure with this certain man, yet were able to engage in an affair with the "other" guy? is it that you didn't find him as appealing? just curious.
Author Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Artie, Artie, Artie, It's not like I was seeking out an A or that I seek out men to have sex with, geez. Ok seriously: I felt safe talking to the exOM because I trusted him. We were good friends and he helped me get through some tough times and work through my crazy emotions. During this time, I became emotionally attached to him and that lead to the PA. I had turned to him with the intent of improving my M. Part of his work involves giving relationship advice. I just never saw him as someone I was attracted to sexually, so I felt safe. By the time we entered into the PA, he had me convinced I was so unhappy in my M and that I wasn't being appreciated. It didn't happen overnight or after one conversation. It was over a month.... Does that make sense?
SomedayDig Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Part of his work involves giving relationship advice?!! Sounds like someone who should be turned into the authorities for abusing his position. Maybe your husband could do that. Well...scratch that.
2sunny Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 When assessing what energy WE transmit - people pick up on our "energy". Be aware of yourself - and what your body language says to others as much as your words. Others "read into this" - it is subliminal - so my guess is that on SOME level YOUR energy coveted a message to him that it was ok to approach you with THAT inappropriate conversation - it was designed to feel you out - to see IF you might be open to it. So ----> IF and since you said NO - some part Ida message you're sending out gave HIM a clear indicator that you just MIGHT say yes! Did you tell your H tht a co worker and "friend" had approached you in this inappropriate manner? If not, you should! That's what honesty in a M looks like. It would also indicate to your H that you ARE a gal that is sending out energy to men that ALLOWS other men to "think" that you just MIGHT consider it - or even be a listener to such inappropriate conversations that fuels betrayal. When I used to flirt with ANY man - I had this behavior coming at me. Now that I don't (only with my lover boy) men don't ever get "mixed signals and approach with such trashy requests for me to "listen to their pity party BS!"
Artie Lang Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Does that make sense? i guess. i'm just a bit confused, because the man you speak of on this thread was looking for the same thing you were looking for in OM-- advice. the way i see it, you could've just as easily "fallen" for this guy, also. he's no different from the guy you had an affair with.....only difference is you felt more comfortable with him. btw-- nice zinger there, Dig.
Artie Lang Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Did you tell your H tht a co worker and "friend" had approached you in this inappropriate manner? If not, you should! That's what honesty in a M looks like. it would be extremely hipocritical of her to inform her husband of this when nothing has occured, while protecting her OM. how do you even come to terms with telling him about this so-called "inappropriate" discussion, and keeping the truth about her affair under wraps. this guy in question is NOT the enemy, here. sure he has poor boundaries, but he hasn't propositioned her in any way. the OM, on the other hand, has defiled their "friendship" by engaging in an affair with her. 1
2sunny Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 it would be extremely hipocritical of her to inform her husband of this when nothing has occured, while protecting her OM. how do you even come to terms with telling him about this so-called "inappropriate" discussion, and keeping the truth about her affair under wraps. this guy in question is NOT the enemy, here. sure he has poor boundaries, but he hasn't propositioned her in any way. the OM, on the other hand, has defiled their "friendship" by engaging in an affair with her. I disagree - her husband would be able to assess that she must have such loose boundaries that another man would approach her in this way. But that would involve her being HONEST - so that hee H could know. Withholding the info is a form of lying (by omission). If a woman did this to your H - you would have a right to understand that some gal at his work is attempting to "hook his attention"!
Artie Lang Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 (edited) she's already lying on a massive scale. if she comes forward with this, she must also "out" her affair. furthermore, it's her boundaries that are in question here. you see how easily she removed herself from the situation. she knew exactly what he was doing; yet let herself get caught-up with OM. Edited May 7, 2012 by Artie Lang
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