Author beyond Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Tara, Beyond. I am responding to his emails. I can't and won't ignore his sadness. I know it's not what everyone says is the right thing to do. But I just can't. We have no bad feelings, a lot of love for each other and we both know it's over. We have another two weeks on this project and then I hope I can get back into NC. Work is always going to occasionally have us working together. I am serious about finding another job and I am also serious about not going back. But I just can't and won't ignore him You don't have to explain yourself, we all do ultimately what we feel is best. Your situation is hard with working with him, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. The whole reason I started this thread and the title of it was that I didn't want to just ignore MM until he got the message or it fizzled out, I wanted a definite line drawn. I told him it ripped my heart out trying to be 'friends' with him and that I wouldn't be contacting him again. This followed on from MANY emails and face to face conversations when I told him I couldn't cope with being a guilty secret. His actions or lack of them show he has chosen to stay where he is and I respect that and hopefully he respects my decision too. I think we all know when we have finally had enough and no emails/texts will change the actions of someone choosing to not be with you. ((hugs)) xx
LadyLost Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Beyond. You talk a lot of sense, really you do. I guess we all need to figure out how we do this. Fall down a few times before we finally get up and keep walking. Edited May 14, 2012 by LadyLost 1
Author beyond Posted May 15, 2012 Author Posted May 15, 2012 Beyond. You talk a lot of sense, really you do. I guess we all need to figure out how we do this. Fall down a few times before we finally get up and keep walking. Exactly. There are certain lessons we can only learn by making our own mistakes and figuring it out. Not to say the support and advice on here isn't amazing and extremely helpful. A new day.
Author beyond Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Day 11. I have been feeling ok, getting on with my life, doing nice things for myself . Yes, I miss him but something is hardening in my heart where he is concerned. I actually decided not to block his number. I did it last time, total NC including moving house and i'm not doing it again. Each day he doesn't contact me is a reminder that he is happy where he is. If he does want to contact me for anything significant - ie. The divorce is final can we talk? then I will talk to him and if he contacts me for anything less - ie. I miss you etc then I will know it is just talk and no action and that will strengthen my resolve not to contact him. The text came last night, I'd had a lovely night out with friends and was just arriving home - thought it was one of my friends asking if I'd got home safe. It was him - 'I love you'. I felt momentarily sad, then angry that it wasn't more. Then .....ok and calm. I have no desire to contact him. I deleted his text. I am moving forward
Author beyond Posted May 19, 2012 Author Posted May 19, 2012 (edited) Good! You are putting YOURSELF first. It isn't your job to comfort him. Where is he to comfort YOU? If he loves you, like he claims, he would not be at home with his wife. He would be out the door. People leave all the time. He is choosing not to. He is right where he wants to be, except he wants to keep fishing with you and trying to see if you will bite. Glad you deleted the text. He needs to respect you and his texting isn't respecting you. Thank you hockeyfan. Yes, everyday he is choosing to stay right where he is - I tell myself that everytime I start to think about him. One text in 11 days is ok, if he starts bombarding me with loads of texts/calls, then I will rethink my situation, but for the moment this is ok. The funny thing is, I could have predicted this would be his text to me. 'I love you' was always guarenteed a response from me, but not anymore. Now I just think 'and what else?' saying it is not enough. If I blocked him (as before) I would be building up in my mind that he was trying to contact me and tell me all sorts of wonderful things, at least this way I know the truth is that he will just be throwing me the odd crumb every now and then and I know I'm worth so much more. xx Edited May 19, 2012 by beyond
Author beyond Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Oh goodness, sh***y sunday again. There is something about this day, when everything is slower, nothing much to do, friends all busy with their families, that makes me think of him more. Lofgically, I know it's just having time on my hands to think about him more, but also I do miss him. I have things I could do today, but am lacking the motivation so far. He is still the first thing I think about in the morning and that annoys me! Of all the lovely things in my life, why do I think about someone who is choosing not to be with me? xx
Author beyond Posted May 21, 2012 Author Posted May 21, 2012 2 weeks today since I sent that last email and haven't contacted him since. I know that's 'good', but I just feel a bit empty. I wish he would prove my gut instinct was wrong. I wish he would turn up on my doorstep and say 'I've done this, this and this to move towards being with you long term. I know now that he wont, that he never intended to. Maybe he got carried away with the emotion of us meeting up again after so long. Maybe he did intend to leave his marriage anyway but it all got too scary when it started to become a reality. Maybe he did love me - but not enough to leave the comforts of home. Ah well.
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