skylarblue Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I agree with TaraMaiden and have done the suggested of keeping all the mean, hurtful, nasty, and disappointing texts. I also wrote down all the reasons why I ended it and all the heartache, lies, disappoints, and sacrifices. I’d constantly read them when I needed to so I didn’t get stuck on emotions. I used them to remind me of not only why I can’t do this, but why I WON’T do it. I’m glad to say I no longer need a hard copy and have learned to flip the script pretty quickly when it comes to those “lovely” thoughts. No, you don’t sound pathetic, but think about what you settled for. Does that sound pathetic? When I think of how much I tried to be to and for xMM and how little I accepted in return, I can only describe the situation as pathetic. It reminds me how I’m never going to settle for such a pathetic situation again. Beyond, I applaud you for even initiating NC. I have not found to courage to actually say those words to xMM (the closest I got was asking if he no longer wanted me to contact him). We are on LC which I think has become more painful than just trying NC. I will not initiate contact (it may be weeks before I hear from him), but I'm prepared to tell him if he does, and I am behaving as if and taking steps towards NC, and I actually like the feeling. It feels like a personal empowerment. Again, I applaud you and wish you luck.
LadyLost Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hey Beyond? How you doing through day 1? Hope you are still feeling strong.. LL
Author beyond Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Thank you so much everyone, you guys are amazing with your great no nonsense but compassionate advice - you should all get paid for this! I've kept myself busy the last few days, and that has helped, together with a very strange feeling.......I woke up this morning and actually felt.....relief! I can't believe it and not sure if it will last, but for now I'm enjoying it. No more drama, no more worrying if he is going to leave his wife or be able to squeeze in a moment of his day to call me or a day to visit me (while lying to his wife where he is of course). Don't get me wrong, I'm a long way from being over him, but wheras before I missed him as we weren't able to meet much and felt crap about myself, now I miss him but feel a lot more self respect. Tara, if I read my thread and thought it was a friend saying it, I would want to shake her and hug her and I can't put into writing what I'd like to do to him! I'm sure I'll get low moments - I know that Sundays are always bad for me - he used to always be with his family and my friends are mainly with their families, so will plan to do something plus maybe come on here and rant! The more I read the threads on here, the more I realise whilst all stories are unique, there are so many common themes - men rarely leave and if they do and get with AP, how would you ever really trust them not to do it to you? Thank you again, truely you have all helped xx
Bellechica Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Hugs Beyond! Great for staying busy. Focus on your strengths and know you deserve someone who will love you 100 percent of the time not just when it's convenient for him. Know that it's okay to hurt, to get angry. I'm in anger mode about the OM right now. I sooooo want to get to just a feeling of indifference about him. Keep posting, Beyond. Be strong!!!! Big hugs...
Author beyond Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Hugs Beyond! Great for staying busy. Focus on your strengths and know you deserve someone who will love you 100 percent of the time not just when it's convenient for him. Know that it's okay to hurt, to get angry. I'm in anger mode about the OM right now. I sooooo want to get to just a feeling of indifference about him. Keep posting, Beyond. Be strong!!!! Big hugs... Thank you Bellechica. Indifference seems a long way away right now but we'll get there. I still feel relief and sort of 'shocked numb' if that is the right way to describe it - like I've gone through a trauma and am just grateful to be alive, when that wears off, I'm expecting the anger. I can cope with anger better than missing him. xx 1
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Day 6 of NC. Sunday is always a hard day, the time when friends are with their families (and MM was always with his) and too much time for thinking. The difference is, last sunday I was wondering if he would contact me and wondering why he wasn't, wheras this sunday I know he wont be contacting me and that is MY choice, which feels slightly better. I won't lie - I miss him. But I spent many days and nights missing him even when we were supposedly in the R. I get flashes of anger at him, but then still try and make excuses for him and some of the ways he behaved. I think it's best for now just to concentrate on me and the way I behaved and how I can work on myself not to make some of the same mistakes again. I'll admit, there are times when I hope NC makes him miss me, which is not the reason to do it, but at the moment whatever it takes for me to stay NC is fine with me. xx
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 it's a beautiful sunny day here.... I'm about to hang out the washing, then i'll go and do some shopping, get a bit of food in, enjoy going out in the fresh air.... i potted up my roses and herbs yesterday, and they look lush, green and happy.... Did i mention my husband in all that? Don't think I did....
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 it's a beautiful sunny day here.... I'm about to hang out the washing, then i'll go and do some shopping, get a bit of food in, enjoy going out in the fresh air.... i potted up my roses and herbs yesterday, and they look lush, green and happy.... Did i mention my husband in all that? Don't think I did.... Beautiful day here Tara. Your husband? Didn't know you were/are married (will read back story) Anyway - back to us! lol. I love herbs - growing them and cooking with them, there is something about the smell and green lushness about them that makes me happy. Going to catch up on a few jobs around the place that I've been putting off. Sorted out a messy cupboard at 2am this morning as couldn't sleep and its so nice to see it all sorted this morning - like the fairies had come in the night lol! May go for a walk in the woods later - haven't even got dressed yet, just lazing around. Have a good day Tara xx
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I'm not dressed either - isn't that the luxury of being your own 'Master and Commander'...? You can lie in bed with a whole years' set of playgirl, eat crisps celery and drink non-diet soda and watch all the programmes you want to watch because you have the remote, and laze around all day in your jammys if you want, and belch too. Now that's fun!
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 I'm not dressed either - isn't that the luxury of being your own 'Master and Commander'...? You can lie in bed with a whole years' set of playgirl, eat crisps celery and drink non-diet soda and watch all the programmes you want to watch because you have the remote, and laze around all day in your jammys if you want, and belch too. Now that's fun! It's like you have webcam on me!!! Am sat in PJ's watching crap TV and thinking of what high calorie food I can eat as I've been ridiculously healthy all week:) Decided that mobile is going OFF for the rest of today - if its anything urgent, friends know my landline number. Can't seem to find your story Tara - just lots of 'anti- troll' threads and one about a partner passing his law exams. If you feel like posting a link to it, I would like to read it, but also completely cool if you'd rather not. Going to water houseplants now and see if they can limp through another week in my 'care' - this new lot seem pretty hardy which is just as well. And.......I'm dancing around the kitchen, for the first time in quite a few weeks - used to do it all the time , but have lapsed lately - stuff it, I'm dancing! Tara, as I don't yet have PM facilities, would you mind dropping a message to Ladylost just to see if she is ok please? xx
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) I tried.... LadyLost has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her. She has no pm privilege yet, either. Only 84 posts, and here less than a month. I believe the proviso is 100m posts/more than a month. check your settings, just in case.... Edited May 13, 2012 by TaraMaiden
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 I tried.... She has no pm privilege yet, either. Only 84 posts, and here less than a month. I believe the proviso is 100m posts/more than a month. check your settings, just in case.... Ah, forgot she was new too. I'll 'check my settings' (pretends to know what to do:confused:) but think someone said I'd be eligible on 14th May.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 but you've made over 100 posts..... it might matter. Here's what to do: Click on (upper left) My Profile/CP. if you right-click it, you'll get the option to open it in a new tab, which makes following these instructions easier to check....) Under 'Settings and Options', locate 'Edit Options'. under 'Messaging & Notification' (2nd section) check whether 'Enable Private Messaging' is available as an option, and whether it's ticked or not..... you may not have it, in which case, yeah, you may have to wait....
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 but you've made over 100 posts..... it might matter. Here's what to do: Click on (upper left) My Profile/CP. if you right-click it, you'll get the option to open it in a new tab, which makes following these instructions easier to check....) Under 'Settings and Options', locate 'Edit Options'. under 'Messaging & Notification' (2nd section) check whether 'Enable Private Messaging' is available as an option, and whether it's ticked or not..... you may not have it, in which case, yeah, you may have to wait.... Thanks for that Tara. No, that doesn't come up as an option only an option for admin to send me email. Hopefully LL is just keeping busy xx
LadyLost Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Hello Beyond, TaraMaiden - thank you for caring. Its like a neighbour sticking their head round the door and checking I'm ok cause they haven't seen me for a few days. I really appreciate it. I am ok.. I didn't feel up to posting. After a while it felt I was getting to a point where my posts were so miserable day after day, it was even depressing me! LL
Author beyond Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Hello Beyond, TaraMaiden - thank you for caring. Its like a neighbour sticking their head round the door and checking I'm ok cause they haven't seen me for a few days. I really appreciate it. I am ok.. I didn't feel up to posting. After a while it felt I was getting to a point where my posts were so miserable day after day, it was even depressing me! LL Yes, I noticed your milk and post hadn't been taken in for a few days:) Obviously if it makes you feel worse to post, then don't, but don't worry about posting miserable things day after day - we are all going through or have gone through similar things and sometimes it helps to hear other people's insight on it all, especially if we are in 'wallow' mode, which I was most of last week! I posted on your other thread and I'm glad you are getting help xx
Author beyond Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Feel a bit panicky all of a sudden. Negative thoughts are creeping back - What if I never hear from him ever again? What if something happens to him, there is no way I would find out. What if he truely believes (as he said in last email) that I don't love him? What if I live everyday with regret? What if I never find anyone I feel so close to again? I hope and trust these feelings will go and I will get back to feeling strong again, but for now I feel horrible and am making deals with myself that if I still feel this bad tomorrow, I will contact him.
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Feel a bit panicky all of a sudden. Negative thoughts are creeping back Well, let's answer some of these 'what ifs' shall we? What if I never hear from him ever again? thank god for that! On less piece of useless baggage to carry around! What if something happens to him, there is no way I would find out. What if something happened to you and there was no way he would find out? See point one. What if he truely believes (as he said in last email) that I don't love him? Well that's his mind not yours - but as it's over, it's no longer relevant what he thinks. Is it? In time, hopefully, it will actually be true. What if I live everyday with regret? What if you do? that would be your choice, wouldn't it? Do you want to live that way? What if I never find anyone I feel so close to again? Oh stop.... every person you meet leaves you feeling different, but that's not to say it will be less. So you will feel close again, but thankfully, you'll know better than to look for a carbon copy - because believe me, you don't want that. I hope and trust these feelings will go and I will get back to feeling strong again, but for now I feel horrible and am making deals with myself that if I still feel this bad tomorrow, I will contact him. LADY, YOU'D BETTER NOT!! Otherwise everything we have said to you will have been a waste of your time - and ours - and you'll just put yourself back to square one! Snakes and ladders - up and down. you need to aim for the last square, no matter how many slip-downs you experience, you have to get there, no matter what it takes. did you know that the game of snakes and ladders originated as a Hindu metaphor for the process of Life? Snakes and Ladders is probably based upon a very old Indian game called Moksha-Patamu, which was used for religious instruction and had 12 vices but only 4 virtues. According to Hindu teaching, good and evil exist side by side in man: but only virtuous acts - represented by the ladders - will shorten the soul's journey through a series of incarnations to the state of ultimate perfection. Human wrongdoing symbolized by the head of the snake leads to reincarnation in a lower, animal form. Get on a ladder and leave this snake behind - you know it makes sense! Edited May 14, 2012 by TaraMaiden
Author beyond Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Well, let's answer some of these 'what ifs' shall we? thank god for that! On less piece of useless baggage to carry around! What if something happened to you and there was no way he would find out? See point one. Well that's his mind not yours - but as it's over, it's no longer relevant what he thinks. Is it? In time, hopefully, it will actually be true. What if you do? that would be your choice, wouldn't it? Do you want to live that way? Oh stop.... every person you meet leaves you feeling different, but that's not to say it will be less. So you will feel close again, but thankfully, you'll know better than to look for a carbon copy - because believe me, you don't want that. LADY, YOU'D BETTER NOT!! Otherwise everything we have said to you will have been a waste of your time - and ours - and you'll just put yourself back to square one! Snakes and ladders - up and down. you need to aim for the last square, no matter how many slip-downs you experience, you have to get there, no matter what it takes. did you know that the game of snakes and ladders originated as a Hindu metaphor for the process of Life? Get on a ladder and leave this snake behind - you know it makes sense! Thank you Tara, that made me laugh and think. I'm still not at the stage where I can think 'how great if I never hear from him again' - my head sometimes engages with this but my heart doesn't. The past few days I've been in 'protective' mode, not wanting to hear because it will hurt me, whatever he says. That wore off a bit today and feel a bit vulnerable. Maybe I just want to know he still wants me - ego boost or maybe I just want someone to want me - have to think about that but not sure it is that. I make the deal about contacting him in 24hrs if I feel the same because it seems to relieve the horrible ache that comes over me. By the time 24 hrs passes, so (usually) does the feeling. Yes, it comes back again, but then it's day by day. To tell myself 'no, you will never contact him again' is just too much right now. I'll never play snakes and ladders again without thinking about that! xx
LadyLost Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Hello Beyond. Yup, day at a time. You must be getting close to one week now of NC, well done to you! I bet you never thought you could do it
Author beyond Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Hello Beyond. Yup, day at a time. You must be getting close to one week now of NC, well done to you! I bet you never thought you could do it This time last week I ended it, so yes, a week has gone by- seems like the longest week ever. I thought yesterday(Sunday) would be a bad day and yet I felt so strong then and then 'crash' today. It will be ok though "this to shall pass" as the saying goes. How are you doing LL?
LadyLost Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Beyond. I think the very fact that you can say 'a week ago I ended it'. You have taken control back. When I was properly NC I really got something out of the fact that it gave me control back.. How am I.. I don't know really. Difficult to describe. Definitely calmer, but feeling a bit dazed after last week. There have also been more emails, emotional ones, neither of us under any illusion that it's anything but over, we are both so miserable though. I wonder when you stop caring about Him.. Anyway, am doing ok.. Another day..
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 LadyLost, are the emails necessary? Really, they just prolong the agony.... Unless it's something so urgent that you absolutely have to keep in touch, it's best to close off communication and detach yourself from that line of communication. In fact, really, No Contact - harsh but true - is the only way you're going to move to the next step of healing.... 1
Author beyond Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Beyond. I think the very fact that you can say 'a week ago I ended it'. You have taken control back. When I was properly NC I really got something out of the fact that it gave me control back.. How am I.. I don't know really. Difficult to describe. Definitely calmer, but feeling a bit dazed after last week. There have also been more emails, emotional ones, neither of us under any illusion that it's anything but over, we are both so miserable though. I wonder when you stop caring about Him.. Anyway, am doing ok.. Another day.. Yes, I do feel more in control and that is a good feeling. In my better moments I'm also pleased that he seems to be respecting my decision, but at my worst I feel like he doesn't care. Glad you are calmer - I think self preservation kicks in once you get really low and shuts down what you can't cope with until later. Are you answering his emails LL? Not judging here, goodness knows I've broken NC myself a few times upto now, just know it prolongs the pain. I guess just reading that he is hurting too is painful but also comforting in the short term. Tomorrow is another day xx
LadyLost Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Tara, Beyond. I am responding to his emails. I can't and won't ignore his sadness. I know it's not what everyone says is the right thing to do. But I just can't. We have no bad feelings, a lot of love for each other and we both know it's over. We have another two weeks on this project and then I hope I can get back into NC. Work is always going to occasionally have us working together. I am serious about finding another job and I am also serious about not going back. But I just can't and won't ignore him
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