The urge to draw a line in the sand

[beyond]

Feeling really crap today.

 

I sent an email last week saying we couldn't be friends and there would be no further contact. 2 days went by and I was proud of myself and felt strong. Then had literally a moment of weakeness, a reason (stupid one) came for me to contact him and without thinking I grabbed it and text him. He immediately rang me (unusual as he hardly ever rings) sorted out the problem, was polite, kind etc. Since then he has been texting/calling on and off. I answer him but don't initiate contact

 

I feel so stupid to have broken contact, and can't blame him for contacting me when I did this. Now I'm back to looking at my phone every 5 mins, analysing any message he sends me and right now I'm even feeling rubbish because he hasn't sent me a txt as I know he is with his family today.

 

No doubt I will hear from him later tonight or tomorrow, but how do I get back to NC. I feel as if i don't want it to just 'fizzle out' with me not replying and him eventually getting the message - firstly because I may weaken when I get one of his messages and secondly because I know from past experience that he doesn't give up!

 

I want to draw a line in the sand once and for all and make it clear this is it, nothing long winded, I think we have said it all really, just want to make it clear it ends now and I take responsibility for starting it all up again by contacting him but its for the best to let this go now.

 

Any thoughts on how to do this or if this is indeed the best idea?

[TaraMaiden]

Message reads:

 

"I'm sorry - talking to you as if nothing had ever happened, is ripping my heart.

Please don't contact me again, unless it's absolutely completely essential, and i promise to do the same. No Contact from now on, unless my house is on fire.

Thank you for respecting this."

 

End of message.

[beyond]

Message reads:

 

"I'm sorry - talking to you as if nothing had ever happened, is ripping my heart.

Please don't contact me again, unless it's absolutely completely essential, and i promise to do the same. No Contact from now on, unless my house is on fire.

Thank you for respecting this."

 

End of message.

 

Thanks Tara, I like that. It's to the point but not mean (I do feel bad about breaking no contact and sending out mixed messages even after some of the crap he has done/said)

 

Now, its whether to send it now, when he hasn't contacted me(last time was late last night) or wait until he sends me a 'hi, how are you?' message.

 

I'll probably leave out the bit about the house being on fire....he's too far away to do anything about that anyway!

xx

[TaraMaiden]

Stop prevaricating.

Take the bull by the horns, and draw that line.

 

you sound a bit like - "And the meek shall inherit the Earth - if that's ok with everyone else, that is...."

 

C'mon girl - you know it's the sensible thing to do.

Fire or no fire.

 

That was just a euphemism for 'essential'... you know..... )

[beyond]

Stop prevaricating.

Take the bull by the horns, and draw that line.

 

you sound a bit like - "And the meek shall inherit the Earth - if that's ok with everyone else, that is...."

 

C'mon girl - you know it's the sensible thing to do.

Fire or no fire.

 

That was just a euphemism for 'essential'... you know..... )

 

Thats so true!!!!

I feel so passive in this R and thats not really like me at all. I would never let a girlfriend/work colleague walk all over me the way he has and still have this urge to be 'nice'.

Ok, meek no more - time for 'kickass Beyond' to take the stage....

[Gentlegirl2]

Just stop contact. If that's what you want, then do it. So you broke contact.. you aren't the first and you won't be the last.

 

You sound like a very caring person... don't waste yourself on him.

 

GG

[LadyLost]

Beyond. I tried lots of ways that spanned weeks and weeks. He emailed and I responded, but began not to initiate contact. I blocked msn and eventually it stayed blocked for longer and longer periods of time. I was still getting several emails a day. I was still hanging on his every word and waiting for his next email. Two weeks ago (in fact two weeks ago today), I called him. I hadn't done this for a while so it was a big deal. I told him we needed to cut off all contact. He actually sounded surprised. My gentle hints about him needing to let me go hadn't sunk in at all. I told him the next time I wanted to hear from him was when he had some news for me (e.g. that he was ready to be with me). This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Tell the man you love not to call you ever again!

 

The silence is hard. You can't deny what it means.

 

I work with him, so we have to talk and email, but he hasn't emailed me in a personal capacity since that call. For two weeks, total silence. Since Friday we have had to work together. You have to tell him straight. You have to stop worrying about hurting his feelings / putting him off. He knows how you feel. If he is ever ready to make the change in his life he knows he can come get you (I really hope by this time you/ we have found the true love of our lives. A man all of our own!).

 

NC is really, really hard. But it's the only way.

Edited May 7, 2012 by LadyLost

[beyond]

Just stop contact. If that's what you want, then do it. So you broke contact.. you aren't the first and you won't be the last.

 

You sound like a very caring person... don't waste yourself on him.

 

GG

 

Thanks GG. NC is the only way as it tears me up hearing from him when I know I can't have him.

I need to re read the posts on my other thread to get and stay angry at him - it's so much easier when I'm angry rather than missing him.

xx

[beyond]

Beyond. I tried lots of ways that spanned weeks and weeks. He emailed and I responded, but began not to initiate contact. I blocked msn and eventually it stayed blocked for longer and longer periods of time. I was still getting several emails a day. I was still hanging on his every word and waiting for his next email. Two weeks ago (in fact two weeks ago today), I called him. I hadn't done this for a while so it was a big deal. I told him we needed to cut off all contact. He actually sounded surprised. My gentle hints about him needing to let me go hadn't sunk in at all. I told him the next time I wanted to hear from him was when he had some news for me (e.g. that he was ready to be with me). This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Tell the man you love not to call you ever again!

 

The silence is hard. You can't deny what it means.

 

I work with him, so we have to talk and email, but he hasn't emailed me in a personal capacity since that call. For two weeks, total silence. Since Friday we have had to work together. You have to tell him straight. You have to stop worrying about hurting his feelings / putting him off. He knows how you feel. If he is ever ready to make the change in his life he knows he can come get you (I really hope by this time you/ we have found the true love of our lives. A man all of our own!).

 

NC is really, really hard. But it's the only way.

 

Thank you LL, like you say, we tend to re read emails and hang on their every word don't we. I have kept most of his texts from when we first started meeting up this year and I read over again all the lovely stuff he has said. But thats just it - its just words, not actions. His actions are that he stays with his wife.

I'm going to have to do this by text as can't call him ( he's with family today). Not ideal but then at least I wont weaken if he starts trying to win me around.

 

I know the silence that will follow will be heart breaking - 2 days was hard enough, but at least it means he is respecting my decision. Your man is doing that. I believe they know deep down they are leading us on and should leave us alone to find someone else - they just don't have the balls to say it and we make it so nice and comfortable for them don't we.

 

One of the many reasons I told him NC last week was that we had a conversation when he said he doesn't want me to wait for him (I always said I would) as he would be too worried that when he comes to find me again I will be with someone else! How twisted is that! I think he was making excuses and he doesn't want me to wait (after asking me to before) because he knows its a waste of time and he's going nowhere.

 

It must be so hard for you having to work with him, I can't imagine what that must do to you.

 

Ok, lets start getting strong

xx

[LadyLost]

Hey Beyond. I hope you can be strong enough to follow through. After a few days you will begin to feel quite proud. Counting the days made it easier for me to see what I had achieved.

 

You said above 'my man' and I have to correct you. He was never mine, of course he always 'belonged' to someone else. I always new that all the way through, i guess i was good at pretending and blocking out reality. It still aches when I think how much I want him to be mine, but i now know he never was and never will be.

 

I don't think I will ever know what i truly meant to him. But no matter what happens to me moving forwards, whoever i meet along the way, he certainly changed me forever.

 

Good luck.

[beyond]

Hey Beyond. I hope you can be strong enough to follow through. After a few days you will begin to feel quite proud. Counting the days made it easier for me to see what I had achieved.

 

You said above 'my man' and I have to correct you. He was never mine, of course he always 'belonged' to someone else. I always new that all the way through, i guess i was good at pretending and blocking out reality. It still aches when I think how much I want him to be mine, but i now know he never was and never will be.

 

I don't think I will ever know what i truly meant to him. But no matter what happens to me moving forwards, whoever i meet along the way, he certainly changed me forever.

 

Good luck.

 

It's so hard to know how to address them though -' my ex bf who is now married and seeing me on the side' is too much of a mouthful! I'm being flippant but it's one of the many many things I hate. I can't say 'my bf is taking me out this weekend' or pick up the phone to call him simply because I'm thinking about him and knowing he will answer like any other person without a spouse.

 

I was out yesterday and someone I don't know very well asked me if I was dating and I had to answer 'no'. I hate it. I want to shout it from the rooftops that I'm with him and want him to do the same. It wont happen.

 

This is day 1 - one day at a time.

[beyond]

I sent txt - putting that I didn't want to carry on talking to him as a friend as it tore me up etc (he suggested we be friends last week, I told him no, but then broke NC two days later). My text was as Tara said 'please dont contact me and I promise to do the same. Thank you for respecting this.

He just replied to text

 

"I wasn't talking to you as a friend. I was talking to you as my 'Beyond' .I'm not going to stop contacting you."

[LadyLost]

Beyond, well it's up to you to be strong. Does he have no regard for your wishes? Think you are not being serious? You said before about the 'decent' MM knowing the right thing to do is to let you go.

 

You deserve a chance at a life of your own. Right? Do you want to be here in 1 month, 3 months or 6months time? Listen to all the xOW on this site for whom this went on for years and years before they broke free.

 

It's not cool what he said on text. You will just have to show him you mean business.

[beyond]

Beyond, well it's up to you to be strong. Does he have no regard for your wishes? Think you are not being serious? You said before about the 'decent' MM knowing the right thing to do is to let you go.

 

You deserve a chance at a life of your own. Right? Do you want to be here in 1 month, 3 months or 6months time? Listen to all the xOW on this site for whom this went on for years and years before they broke free.

 

It's not cool what he said on text. You will just have to show him you mean business.

 

He must think I'm not serious (after all I broke it before - another reason why you shouldn't break NC!)

 

He has just sent another txt about an 'in joke' we have. Seems totally oblivious to the pain I'm going through. Maybe thats unfair but thats how it seems. I've turned phone off now .

 

This does have to be it now. He knows how I feel and what I want.

 

Thank you so much for your support - I froze when I got that text.

xx

[TaraMaiden]

Three little words:

 

block

his

number

 

or

 

change

your

number.

 

I would go for the latter - and no, even with a phone~ful of mega-contacts and info, it's not impossible.

I've done it, loads of people have done it.

[beyond]

Three little words:

 

block

his

number

 

or

 

change

your

number.

 

I would go for the latter - and no, even with a phone~ful of mega-contacts and info, it's not impossible.

I've done it, loads of people have done it.

 

Yes, I know. I did that last time (6 yrs ago) changed my number (It IS easy people, it's whether you want to do it imo) changed landline phone number, moved house - everything.

 

The thought of having to do all that again makes me feel tired and stupid that I'm in this position again. But if he carries on and it gets to me, I will do it.

[TaraMaiden]

"and it gets to me"....?

 

Hello....?

 

[beyond]

"and it gets to me"....?

 

Hello....?

 

 

lol! Yeah, like I'm so cool with it!:p

[skylarblue]

Beyond, I don’t know your back story (and I don’t mean this in any offensive way) but you either gotta sh*t or get off the pot. Yes, it’s hard and yes you may stumble a few times, but you have to take steps to make NC work if you are really serious. If not, don’t even bother playing games going back and forth, just wait until you are. There will be a point where you’ve just had enough and really just don’t want to do “this” anymore and then it won’t be as tough.

 

I have been going back and forth with xMM and kinda get what you are going through. What is finally sinking in with me is that every time I go “chasing” after xMM, I end up feeling worse. Every time I engage by responding to his contacts, I end up feeling worse. The theme: I ALWAYS feel worse. Whether it’s because I think he didn’t respond appropriately or timely or at all, or it leaves me anticipating contact with him or missing him more or feeling confused, the one thing it NEVER does is leave me in a better place than before the contact.

[beyond]

Beyond, I don’t know your back story (and I don’t mean this in any offensive way) but you either gotta sh*t or get off the pot. Yes, it’s hard and yes you may stumble a few times, but you have to take steps to make NC work if you are really serious. If not, don’t even bother playing games going back and forth, just wait until you are. There will be a point where you’ve just had enough and really just don’t want to do “this” anymore and then it won’t be as tough.

 

I have been going back and forth with xMM and kinda get what you are going through. What is finally sinking in with me is that every time I go “chasing” after xMM, I end up feeling worse. Every time I engage by responding to his contacts, I end up feeling worse. The theme: I ALWAYS feel worse. Whether it’s because I think he didn’t respond appropriately or timely or at all, or it leaves me anticipating contact with him or missing him more or feeling confused, the one thing it NEVER does is leave me in a better place than before the contact.

 

Thank you Skylar. I have initiated NC as of today. Yes he has text me but I have not responded. I broke NC last week and it was horrible, it immediately felt wrong. I'm hoping that after an initial flurry of 'hurt' and angry texts from him, he will go quiet.

It is hard because I love him, but I'm doing this for me. I can't live like this anymore

[TaraMaiden]

Please, please, change your number.

 

You have to do this, because you deserve a life where your waking moments are not invaded by the hungry, empty gnawing at your insides as you fight the temptation to look at every opportunity, for any signal, word or glance in your direction.

 

You have to let him go, to let him let go of you.

 

He has paid you the ultimate insult of disrespect - to not accede to your fervent wish to stop contacting you.

Instead, he still demands you be on his back-burner, and available for his every breadcrumb. He insists he will not relieve your pain, but in fact, grind your heart under his heel, in the guise of affection and care.

 

Stop this insanity.

prevent, at all costs, all manner and means of contact between you two.

Else, I promise you, you will never heal.

So if you want to carry on feeling as you do now - then just do as you have always done.

Weaken, and fall.

 

But if this time you really - REALLY - want this to end - then you must take the initiative - and end it.

[CH66209]

Beyond, my heart hurts for you, girl. I'm into day 23 and it's getting a little easier, but it's still gut-wrenching and i get strong moments of weakness. Remember that we're all pulling for you.....you can't wait any longer. Consider every couple days a milestone. Tomorrow you'll have made it 1 day....then shoot for three.....then a week.....and keep going. When you don't respond, he'll eventually get it. I keep remembering what someone here posted------

 

Silence is painfully effective.

[beyond]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Sorry can't answer individually at the moment - had sleepless night and I'm washed out and upset and know I have only myself to blame.

 

I realise only too well how pathetic I sound, believe me. My reaction to pick up the phone and then realise I couldn't because he was with his family really brings it home to me. Interesting too that he said he would be busy with family and couldn't contact me yesterday and yet managed to send me dozens of texts when I told him it was over.

 

Silence this morning so maybe he has got it all off his chest - after the 'i love you texts', it got nasty, I replied to nothing and I wont.

xx

[frozensprouts]

please stop giving all your power away to this guy. You can be strong, you know what you need to do ( ending it with this guy once and for all)...take a good, hard look at the situation, at him, at yourself and decide what steps you need to take to make it happen. Start taking your power back...start by changing your number/email/ whatever so that he can't contact you, and you can't contact him. Do you have any friends ( besides him:laugh:) who know about the situation and who can be there for you to help you though this?

 

you can get through this...start holding your head up high and take it one day at a time...take pride in your strength, and if you stumble pick yourself right back up and keep on going. Soon a day becomes two, then a week, then a month, then a year...it might not be easy, but don't sell yourself short...you're tougher than you think, and you deserve better than his crumbs of affection. If he can't deal with that, then tough shingles ( could have used a much more vulgar word there:laugh:) that's his problem...he needs to be a man and respect your decision...if he can't do that, what does that tell you about him?

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Sorry can't answer individually at the moment - had sleepless night and I'm washed out and upset and know I have only myself to blame.

I would suggest to you (as I have to others, at times) that you read this thread again, but pretend that 'beyond' is a complete stranger to you.

Read her posts.

Tell me how she comes across to you.

And tell me, above all - what would you say to her about her actions, his actions and his attitude?

 

I realise only too well how pathetic I sound, believe me.

Pathetic. I can understand pathetic, but actually, I don't think it's a good word.

Because you put yourself in a negative, self-incriminating light.

You're not 'pathetic'.

You're not being fair, kind or compassionate to yourself...

You're sad, alone, lonely and despairing, and you feel used, abandoned and empty....

but you're not pathetic.

 

I'll tell you who's 'pathetic'....

 

My reaction to pick up the phone and then realise I couldn't because he was with his family really brings it home to me. Interesting too that he said he would be busy with family and couldn't contact me yesterday and yet managed to send me dozens of texts when I told him it was over.

 

...HE is. for the exact above reason you have given here.

Too busy with his family to be open to you for discussion, but suddenly, when his cake is being taken away, he's all over the 'phone.

THAT'S 'pathetic'.

 

Silence this morning so maybe he has got it all off his chest - after the 'i love you texts', it got nasty, I replied to nothing and I wont.

xx

 

Do this:

Take every single one of his texts.

 

Read the lovely ones.

(All lies, all manipulation, all said to make you feel wonderful, so that you will carry on making him feel wonderful. Flattery can get you everywhere...)

 

Now - delete them. (All the flowing flowery sweet-nothing words. Sweet 'nothing' is right. Sweet Fanny Adams!)

 

Read the nasty ones.

(All true-colour messages. Threatening, being nasty and being unkind, because you - how dare you?! - are threatening to deprive him of the one thing he can control and exert pressure on. You can't do that! So he becomes nasty to make you grovel, capitulate and come crawling back... manipulation at its finest.)

 

Now - Keep them.

Remind yourself constantly why you cannot be with this man. He does not deserve you, he does not own you, he cannot control you and he has no power over you.

You are in charge of you, so take charge.

And drop him like the pathetic manipulator he is.