turnera Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My daughter will be 22 in September. We are very close; she tells me everything; she says I'm her best friend. So I've been privy to pretty much all her thoughts over the last 10 years (sometimes too much!). And I can tell you that it's truly amazing to sit back and watch that thought process change over the years. Something she was so sure of at 18, she now sees was an immature way to approach it. What she knew she wanted at 20, she now wouldn't even consider doing. Because she's been away at college for 3 years (on loans that she expects to pay back), she's had to figure out how to make doctor appointments, fix financial issues with the bank, argue with apartment managers, etc etc. Each one of her experiences has helped her move away from the teenage way of thinking (which I outlined in your posts above), to one of a much more mature person. I hope you'll do the same.
bean1 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It seems a bit childish to want to tell them you dont like their parenting styles. At this stage of your life, you should have the maturity to understand that the best course of action for you is to disengage and keep yourself to yourself. If this is an impossible situation in which to live, then you need to find ways to leave. It is immature to expect them to change. No, it is not right to be treated with disrespect or rudeness. But you do have choices here. My dad was a violent drunk, so I moved out at 17 and worked full-time while paying my way through college. I don't care if your dad is a jerk, you are acting like a child when you won't move out and take charge of your own life. You are way too old to be complaining about how your parents treat you in your own home. If you don't like it then you live. Children can't leave. Adults can. You CHOOSE to stay in the position of a child and therefore you are treated like one. Children try and change adults who are jerks and set in their ways. Adults just hang up the phone and stop talking to them. You are choosing option #1. 1
pink_sugar Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I agree with bean. My dad was emotionally and physically abusive and I had every right to complain until I moved out the day I turned 18. My brother had chosen to live there until 22, but my dad had gotten so bad I HAD to get out, even if it meant supporting myself 100% and struggling. If you cannot stand your parents, find a full time job and move out...even if you have to find roommates and rent a room until you can afford your own apartment.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Turnera- I'm not an idiot everything I buy I pay for myself. Insurance, car, groceries, board. They pay for nothing. I find it really insulting that you think it's ok for parents to be abusive. The coarse I want to do doesn't have a living option. If there was I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Els Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Turnera- I'm not an idiot everything I buy I pay for myself. Insurance, car, groceries, board. They pay for nothing. I find it really insulting that you think it's ok for parents to be abusive. The coarse I want to do doesn't have a living option. If there was I'd do it in a heartbeat. ...If you are already paying for board with your parents, what is stopping you from moving out again? Stop paying them for board, pay someone else. Simple. If you find you can't afford the sort of place you want, downgrade to cheaper places or get housemates. 3
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Turnera- I'm not an idiot everything I buy I pay for myself. Insurance, car, groceries, board. They pay for nothing. I find it really insulting that you think it's ok for parents to be abusive. The coarse I want to do doesn't have a living option. If there was I'd do it in a heartbeat. That makes no sense. There aren't apartments near where this course is? You aren't allowed to live with roommates? Spend whatever you're spending on board with THEM for board with roommates. Or rent out a room from some old single lady who needs the money. A healthy adult wouldn't twist my words around to say that I said it's ok for parents to be abusive. I actually said NOTHING about your parents. I said YOU need to grow up and start acting like an adult. Which you aren't doing. My DD21 has been paying for her own stuff since she was 12. That doesn't make you an adult. Attitude does. The bottom line is that YOU choose to live where you live, no one else. So any problems you have are your fault.
Kamille Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 The discussion on this thread gives me pause. I take Sugarkane's word for it that her parents are controlling. They seem to control her by telling her she isn't capable of taking care of herself. So, to me, it's no surprise that she doesn't know how to go about establishing herself as an independent woman. In controlling relationships, the controlled often doesn't have the right to express anger and frustration in a normal, open, way. So, again, to me it's no surprise that Sugarkane presents the issue the way she does. I'm also not sure what good it does comparing her to someone else's daughter. I'm even less convinced that her problems are all her fault. She's facing a struggle. I think the general consensus, her vote included, is that she would benefit from living on her own. I think there's a way to support and encourage her to do this that doesn't involve putting her down or calling her immature. Especially since this is exactly what her parents are saying to control her. 1
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Kamille, you are right, and I apologize for being rude. But she asked how she was acting like a child, and seems to want to deny it. Knowledge is the first step toward improvement and happiness. Acknowledgment is the second. SK, you need to move out. There's no way around it. You will never change them and you shouldn't even try. All you should be focusing on is getting away from any influence that harms you.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 By making statements like these, which I guarantee you don't naturally come out of the mouths of fully matured adults: scream and yell at us. Yet no one is allowed to do the same thing to him. (adults don't need permission to do anything; they don't have to be 'allowed') mum makes us apologize to him. (no one can make an adult do anything) . Easy for you to say. Have you ever been cornered and screamed at right in your face? It's pretty traumatizing.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 The discussion on this thread gives me pause. In controlling relationships, the controlled often doesn't have the right to express anger and frustration in a normal, open, way. So, again, to me it's no surprise that Sugarkane presents the issue the way she does. QUOTE] Really how? I've never done drugs or gotten pregnant. I've always paid for my own stuff, always been the good girl. How do I deserve abusive over controlling parents? I think I deserve a lot better than insults on here. How do I act like a kid? I always try and talk to my parents adult to adult, even if they don't.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 I have so much resentment I would love to cut them off completely. I would love to have nothing to do with them.
turnera Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Easy for you to say. Have you ever been cornered and screamed at right in your face? It's pretty traumatizing. Yes, I had an abusive stepmother. And the day my father was buried, I have never seen her again. I took the adult route and removed her from my life. Because I knew I would never change her.
Kamille Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 The discussion on this thread gives me pause. In controlling relationships, the controlled often doesn't have the right to express anger and frustration in a normal, open, way. So, again, to me it's no surprise that Sugarkane presents the issue the way she does. QUOTE] Really how? I've never done drugs or gotten pregnant. I've always paid for my own stuff, always been the good girl. How do I deserve abusive over controlling parents? I think I deserve a lot better than insults on here. How do I act like a kid? I always try and talk to my parents adult to adult, even if they don't. Is it possible that your upbringing makes you prone to talk to others as though you're on the defensive? I know it's something I had to tackle, growing up with controlling parents. I easily imagined people were attacking me when they were talking about me. After all, my parents did criticize me, without me being allowed to talk back. Whenever I really needed to defend myself, I was clueless about how to do so. Now I know I can step back, realize other's critique are always partial, and respond calmly.
turnera Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I have so much resentment I would love to cut them off completely. I would love to have nothing to do with them.Then be an adult and DO SO.
turnera Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Look, I know it's hard, when you haven't had anything but dysfunctional parenting. You don't know what good looks like. But that's all the more reason for you to move out and start figuring out who you are.
SarahRose Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 you are in your mid twenties and not a child. find some roomates and move out. simple solution. there is no reason and i mean none for you to be in your mid twenties and still living at home.
turnera Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Barring a physical disability that keeps you from working. I know it's scary, and I know they haven't really prepared you for being on your own, but how will you ever grow and learn and improve if you don't tackle things outside your comfort zone?
Els Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I'm curious why you are not responding at all to the crux of most of the responses that you have gotten, which is: MOVE OUT. Seems to me that the solution is clear as day, even to you, but you're trying to deny it each time it presents itself to you. I can identify with you, in a way - controlling parents have us grow up dependent on them, so when it comes time to move out and becoming independent it's even harder for you to do so simply because of your upbringing. But difficult or not, it's something you have to do; there's no sugarcoated way around it.
turnera Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Whbat about this, SK? Why don't you seek out some friends or acquaintances, and let them know you're thinking of finding a way to move out, and ask them to help you brainstorm a way to make it happen? Maybe they'll even end up being roommates with you.
Lucky_One Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 April 2011 Lucky_One Established Member Are you just coming here to vent, or do you really want something in your life to change? If you REALLY want change, then start it. Your life is basically under your control. You say you have a vehicle. You say you have a part-time job. You say you are a straight A student. You say you have always behaved and been a good girl. So go apply for a student loan (a HELP loan, in AU). Try to increase your hours at work. Look on bulletin boards for people in search of a roommate. Ask school friends if they want to share a flat. But you are complaining and complaining, and then complaining some more when you aren't being "supported" in your complaints, when you haven't made a SINGLE post about doing something pro-active about your own situation. If YOU won't do something pro-active for yourself, or even read the suggestions here and comment on those, then why do you expect US to do something for you? +++++++++++++++++++++ I posted this to you over a year ago. You have done NOTHING since then to change your life. Frankly and kindly put, when are you going to grow up and behave like an adult, rather than complain like a child? 1
turnera Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 A year ago? Wow. So, basically, you enjoy being a victim and have no intention of changing that about yourself. My husband does that and I hate him for it. I can't wait to get away from him. Nothing is EVER his fault. EVERYONE is out to get him or make him fail. EVERYONE has faults that are far worse than any he has, so he has no reason to change. And he just LOVES to complain. I once asked him to go 30 minutes in the car without saying a negative comment - he couldn't. What I'm telling you is that you are risking YOUR own future by not looking at this. Even if you end up with a partner, that partner will most likely be much stronger than I have been, and will leave you after a few years of listening to you play victim and blame the world for all your problems. They will fall out of love with you. Or suffer in misery like I do. Victimhood is not attractive. 1
pink_sugar Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I agree. My husband's mother is like this. Instead of making an effort to be a better mother, she's been blaming her lack of being a good mother on her poor childhood for the past 28 years. She also blamed her lack of going to college on him when she didn't even raise him...his father did. Ok, I understood you made a mistake and weren't ready to be a mother at 20. What's not okay is to continue the behavior and excuses when you're pushing 50. No one feels sorry for your childhood anymore. You had complete control over your life the past 30 years and you dug yourself a deeper hole instead of a way out.
Author Sugarkane Posted May 16, 2012 Author Posted May 16, 2012 Gee I wonder why I didn't want to come back? Maybe coz the of the insults? I've had to deal with other crap lately and haven't been well at all. I don't know anyone that I could move in with. I know one person, but we don't get a long at all. Maybe I am having trouble getting someone to help, as we live near my dads family but they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
turnera Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 Gee I wonder why I didn't want to come back? Maybe coz the of the insults? I've had to deal with other crap lately and haven't been well at all. I don't know anyone that I could move in with. I know one person, but we don't get a long at all. Maybe I am having trouble getting someone to help, as we live near my dads family but they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.Yep. You just proved my thoughts. You have NO INTENTION of looking at yourself. Good luck with that.
turnera Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 (edited) You've had crap to deal with. You've been feeling bad. You've been insulted. No one has INVITED you to move in with them (wonder why) You don't get along with the ONE PERSON with whom you even talk. Your dad's family doesn't 'deal with each other' so you have no options there. Good grief. You sound just like my husband. Who has not changed (or gained friends) in 35 years. And has NO ONE who wants to associate with him any more - he has burned all his bridges with all his 'It's all everyone else's fault, I am perfect, it's all THEM.' Good luck in life. You're gonna need it. Edited May 16, 2012 by turnera
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