dad4kja Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I am in a relationship with a man I care deeply about. Although I've known him since we were children, we lost contact when his family moved when we were ten (30+ years ago). Good ol' social networking brought us together in January of this year. Ours is a long distance realtionship. I'm on the west coast and he's on the east... we've only seen each other for a total of 7 days in the 5 months, but we truly connected (mentally as well as physically) during the time we spent together. We talk every single day. Although we have talked about my children and I relocating to his state, getting married, sharing a life, we haven't said those three words yet. I know in my heart he truly cares about me as well, but neither of us have said "I love you" and I'm kinda thinking that would be nice to hear before I approach my ex-husband about moving the children out of the state (he sees them 3 days a month currently and he only lives 30 minutes away). What's the rule about who says it first? He says he's my boyfriend and I'm his girlfriend. I am in love with him, and I have been since I was 5. I know it's crazy, but I've never stopped thinking about him even though we were separated for so many years. I'm so glad he's back in my life.
dasein Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Welcome to the forum. There is no rule of course, in your shoes I'd wait a bit and try to temper your emotional investment until things gel a bit more for you two.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I only said "I love you" to one woman. I said it first. It was the first time we made love. After, she said she felt it too, but was afraid to say it. But after I said it, she knew it was okay.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Thank you for the welcome! I mean, if you guys have talked about moving with him in another state, he clearly has strong feelings for you...so, IMO you don't have anything to lose. He may be hesitating for the same reason you are. 1
Author dad4kja Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 I mean, if you guys have talked about moving with him in another state, he clearly has strong feelings for you...so, IMO you don't have anything to lose. He may be hesitating for the same reason you are. Very true. I know it seems as though things are moving forward quickly, but there's also a familiarity that is pushing things along. We know each other's families, our parents know each other, we were raised the same way, and there's a mutual affection that has carried over despite years of being apart. He's an amazing man. A good father. He has a great heart. And I know he has strong feelings for me. By his actions and his words... just not those THREE in particular...
Author dad4kja Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I'm in no way naive, but after 5 months, shouldn't it have been said by now? I'm tempted... Because I do love him. But I'm afraid to because what if it's not reciprocated? If he hasn't said "I love you" by now, then maybe he may care about me, but doesn't love me. He tip-toes around saying it by saying he's "smitten" by me. On the same token, I'd like to hear it for the first time in person, but we won't see each other again until July. Probably not something that should be said over the phone? Sigh...
dasein Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 You know, the obsession with "ILY" is relatively recent culturally, only a few decades old, and IMO a function of Hollywood plot device. I know for a fact that my parents, very happily married 40 years don't say it that much, and doubt my grandparents, ecstatically happily married for 70 years may rarely have said it. They never said it to me, but showed their love constantly. Not saying it is unreasonable of you to expect, you want what you want. But there's lots of media and romcom pressure on those words that is IMO just drama mongering. If he -shows- you he loves you, that's a really good thing that many people don't have. 1
Author dad4kja Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Thank you for your response. And you're right. He does show me every day. And I know how important that is. I firmly believe in "actions speak louder than words". I tell my parents, my children, my siblings and my friends that I love them all the time. I think people need to hear it. I guess I would love to hear the words from him. 1
dasein Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Well, when he does say it, it will mean that much more as opposed to folks who just say it constantly. I have friends who end every phone convo with their SO with "ILY," totally trivializing the feeling. Good luck. 1
newmoon Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) there is no rule, but don't give him a pass to say it over the phone - it should definitely be said face to face. daily actions are really more important in the long run - a lot of guys can just say what you want to hear but not show love in the ways that really matter. don't get hung up on hearing the words. i have been with my bf for over a year and neither one of us has ever said the love words. it doesn't need to be said for a relationship to be lasting and heartfelt. my own personal 'rule' is that i like for the man to say it first so that i know without question he feels committed to me. Edited May 11, 2012 by newmoon 1
Pierre Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Aunt Mimie raised and lovingly took care of her her nephew John Lennon and never said "ILY". The biological mother of John Lennon abandoned him when he was a child. Then Lennon re-encountered his biological mother who would say ILY to him 20 times a day. Lennon was a bit puzzled by this because his mother had abandoned him. Actions are more important than words. Nevertheless, you should say ILY when you feel it. There are no rules. 1
Vintage79 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 If he hasn't said "I love you" by now, then maybe he may care about me, but doesn't love me. He could easily be thinking the exact same thing about you. If you really need it to be said, just say it - it sounds like you feel it, and he has commnicated in a variety of ways. You're overthinking this... 1
pink_sugar Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 If you both feel strongly about this, go for it. However, I would ask your kids where they want to stay. That would be quite a move, so it's definitely important to find out if they are comfortable changing schools and etc for you to make this move and be prepared for the fact they might want to stay. 1
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