Any Chance At Reconciling In The Future?

[PainsChains]

My first love hurt me bad. I was still healing from the hurt when I met the perfect girl. I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship. She said okay. But she stuck around anyway, trying to be patient with me.

 

Three months in she told me she loved me. I didn't say it back. Six months in she tried to walk away. I said do what makes you happy. Three weeks later she came back, saying she loved me too much to walk away. I went away three months for work and we talked on the phone three hours every night and developed a huge emotional connection. When I came back she started staying with me every night, practically living with me.

 

Unfortunately, I was still expressing a need for more time by myself. I was still guarded. And my lack of effort took a toll on her. I didn't realize this at the time. But then out of nowhere she told me she wasn't in love with me any more.

 

My wall came down immediately. I told her I loved her. I wanted to marry her. But it was too little, too late. She said she'd already checked out.

 

A week before the relationship ended she'd met someone else. A week after we called it quits they had sex. She then went back and forth trying to choose between us for two more weeks. In the end she chose him.

 

She said "I've finally found what I've been looking for for a really,really long time. I have to follow my heart." She said she was falling in love with him. That she saw a future with him.

 

We dated for 1.5 years. I took too long to open up, I know. I regret it everyday. I'm really, really hurting and I'm trying to move on. We've been NC for one month. And I don't expect her to call me.

 

But I have to ask. Given the situation... is there any way she would consider reconciling in the future? Would ANY girl after falling in and out of love with an emotionally unavailable man EVER consider giving him a second chance? I'm talking even years down the road. I expect her current relationship to last a long time. I'm not going to wait. But I'm wondering, because I really do think we were perfect for each other. She did truly love me. And we were best friends. Unfortunately, it was your classic case of bad timing.

 

I want to spend my life with this girl and I'd be willing to try again years down the road if possible. But after dating and becoming so emotionally exhausted, would a girl ever even consider it?

[leoc1973]

I think it depends on this guy. Lots of times guys pounce on girls in troubled relationships and they paint this perfect picture of how amazing "their" life/love could be. They throw around a lot of the "if I was your boyfrind" lines. Then the girl actually gives the guy a shot and they never live up to expectations. Because they are unrealistic.

 

A few months go by and his non perfect real side starts to show through. Eventually he is going to say he wants to go out with his friends or stay in and watch the game or just plain be too tired a few times and thats when she will start comparing him to you. And if she truely loved you thats when they start to see if your still hanging on them.

 

If you let her know that you are still heartbroken and would take her back in a minute if you could she is going to make sure with this other guy and play that I am confused card. The I have feelings for both of you thing. But if she sees you REALLY slipping away she might freak out and want you back.

 

So your job now is to better yourself. Hit the gym and get hobbies and all that stuff. Oh and date!! If she comes back and you still want her then it will be up to you but don't wait around.

 

And one more thing. Weather you are emotionally unavailable or not she still was in a relationship and she did cheat on you. Emotional cheating is still cheating and who's to believe that the sex with him waited till she was done with you.

[gibson]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

 

Sounds like you were going through the following:

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

 

Like you said it's really just a bad timing / age thing.

[dad4kja]

Gosh... this situation is similar (but not the same) as the one I just got out of. He was emotionally unavailable for FOUR years. He was separated and "divorcing". Living apart from his wife and papers had been filed. He just couldn't get it done. He asked me to step away to let him finish his divorce, but I felt he needed me, so I stayed around. He pushed me away... then pulled me back. Over and over. We travelled togetherBack and forth until I just couldn't do it anymore and I checked out. And of course, the second I show a backbone, there's the 180 degree turn... the "I love you's", the "we were best friends", the "I want you back", the "I want to marry you". The promise of everything I always wanted and never got. Honestly, she probably doesn't believe it from, and neither did I. It's demoralizing to be in a relationship where the guy you love won't choose to be with you. Eventually, you realize what an idiot you are wasting your life and you decide not to give him another minute of it.

 

Now, I have a sure thing. You know what I love about him? The fact that he is so open with his feelings for me that it makes me want to protect them that much more. The fact that he speaks in terms of an "us" and a future together. He's honest with me about everthing. He trusts me and I trust him. We live 2500 miles away from each other but if I had to choose between a commitment with him or the uncertainty of my ex, I choose my new guy every time.

 

Why does it take someone leaving you for you to open your eyes to what you had? I feel bad for you the same way I feel bad about my ex. He wasn't a bad person. Quite the opposite. I was HIS best friend. But a best friend doesn't harm your emotional well-being like he did to me. That's what I had to learn.

 

All that being said, will she ever come back? Hard to say. It took a long time to be able to open my heart completely to my new guy and now that I have, it feels great and the love I felt for my ex is diminished. I still care for him and wish him the best, but I had to stop waiting for him to want me.

 

Question for you though. She's moved on, having sex with someone else. How would that affect your relationship if she did come back?

[Gulf-Delta]

Gosh... this situation is similar (but not the same) as the one I just got out of. He was emotionally unavailable for FOUR years. He was separated and "divorcing". Living apart from his wife and papers had been filed. He just couldn't get it done. He asked me to step away to let him finish his divorce, but I felt he needed me, so I stayed around. He pushed me away... then pulled me back. Over and over. We travelled togetherBack and forth until I just couldn't do it anymore and I checked out. And of course, the second I show a backbone, there's the 180 degree turn... the "I love you's", the "we were best friends", the "I want you back", the "I want to marry you". The promise of everything I always wanted and never got. Honestly, she probably doesn't believe it from, and neither did I. It's demoralizing to be in a relationship where the guy you love won't choose to be with you. Eventually, you realize what an idiot you are wasting your life and you decide not to give him another minute of it.

 

Now, I have a sure thing. You know what I love about him? The fact that he is so open with his feelings for me that it makes me want to protect them that much more. The fact that he speaks in terms of an "us" and a future together. He's honest with me about everthing. He trusts me and I trust him. We live 2500 miles away from each other but if I had to choose between a commitment with him or the uncertainty of my ex, I choose my new guy every time.

 

Why does it take someone leaving you for you to open your eyes to what you had? I feel bad for you the same way I feel bad about my ex. He wasn't a bad person. Quite the opposite. I was HIS best friend. But a best friend doesn't harm your emotional well-being like he did to me. That's what I had to learn.

 

All that being said, will she ever come back? Hard to say. It took a long time to be able to open my heart completely to my new guy and now that I have, it feels great and the love I felt for my ex is diminished. I still care for him and wish him the best, but I had to stop waiting for him to want me.

 

Question for you though. She's moved on, having sex with someone else. How would that affect your relationship if she did come back?

 

Seems like always, gibson forgot to put a disclaimer that his "syndrome" is actually JUST A THEORY and should be treated as such. There is no definitive answer to relationships. Relationships do not follow theories or logic, because every relationship is different and every pair of people have different dynamics. This "syndrome" is a way to help you rationalize and make sense of what's happening.

 

There MAY be something for the future. She could be in a phase. My advice for you is to say your piece to her (try not to make it too rough...be as civil as possible), and stay AWAY for AT LEAST 30 days. When that time passes you need to evaluate about how you feel about her and what you want. Let the most brutal thoughts come into your mind (I'm talking sexual and stuff). Now, you're not expected to feel "good" about it, but if you can accept it MAYBE you can talk to her again, propose a clean slate, etc. depending on her situation. Of course this is IF you can forgive her. If 30 days passes and the pain is still strong, take 30 more. And 30 more if you need it after that.

 

After time passes, the choice you should make will become clear. In 30 days you may decide you hate her guts. But regardless, you NEED to make sure you ACCEPT EVERYTHING about the breakup, for good or bad. Then you can decide what to do.