SweetEulogy Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 My husband and I have been married for over 3 years. Our relationship hasn't been perfect...we actually have beaten the odds just by having been married this long (and yes I realize 3 years isn't very long). I'm his 3rd wife, I am 24 and he will be 40 next week. For the last year, at least, we have exceedingly grown apart. Regardless of our issues, he didn't make this decision, I did. I was tired of it. I was tired of putting some much emotional effort into something that wasn't progressing. I put in a last ditch effort to get my husband to find me worth his attention - bought sexy lingerie to surprise him with, tried new positions, tried marriage counseling, tried to let him know I was there for him, cooking his favorite meal...it seemed like nothing worked. It seemed like nothing would ever bring back the sparks, nothing would ever make him care about me in the least. I felt like I was only there to be cute, take care of the kids and fill his ex-wife's shoes. I had an affair with my husband's best friend. I thought that my OP was a safe friend to talk to at first. We spent a lot of time together as friends...we played video games, hung out and talked about our kids (he's married and much older, also), shared jokes...the closer we got, the safer I thought our friendship was. I was at point. All I wanted was to finally feel something from someone. It wasn't out of revenge. I wasn't angry with him. I had been done being angry at my husband for quite a while. I guess I had just given up. I wasn't in love with my OP OR my husband, I didn't have strong feelings for my OP... he merely filled a need. I broke off the physical aspect of the affair a couple weeks after it had become physical. I kept in touch, though. He convinced me that we could still be friends, even hang out with his wife and kids (who I have known for a while now, too). We still were secretive about how often we talked. It felt nice to have someone who actually wanted to talk me every day, who actually wanted to hear what I had to say, who cared. My husband didn't know about the affair. And I decided that I couldn't stay with him. I left my husband and went to stay in a hotel. During this time, I wasn't sleeping with the OP but we spoke often about my troubles with my husband - he even had the gall to give me advice on how to fix things with my husband. He offered for me to stay with him and his family while my husband and I worked it out so I wouldn't be putting a financial strain on the relationship by paying for a room. I took him up on the offer. My husband and I reconciled after about a week of being apart. He still didn't know about the affair but he had begun to understand that there were problems in our relationship and that we needed to work on things or we wouldn't survive together. Anyways...my husband didn't find out. I told him. I expected him to tell me to leave. I never expected him to tell me how much he loves me and wants to work things out. He has known for a week. He wants me more than ever and I can't even think of having sex with him without thinking of how badly I hurt him. I don't deserve his forgiveness. I don't understand how he could forgive me so quickly. I want to work things out with my husband. I don't even know if I'm in love with him...something I haven't been sure of for a year. But I do want to. I want to fall back in love with him. I want to work things out my husband but I can't even look him in the eye. Regardless of our issues this wasn't his fault and I am afraid he is blaming himself for this. I want him to be ok. I feel so aweful even just trying to be there for him - I caused this and now he's confiding in me, now I'm his shoulder to lean on...he can't feel safe. How can he talk to me about his feelings like this when I'm the one who caused them? I don't think he has actually begun the healing process yet, it just seems like he tried to forgive me too quickly and I am afraid that instead of dealing with this now, it will just get pushed down and come back to bite us later. I want him to heal, I want our marriage to be whole (it wasn't to begin with but that doesn't mean it can't happen, right?) and I want to make sure that we are going about this the right way. I have no idea what I am doing. I want to do everything I can to make this work but I don't know what that is...
Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 SweetEulogy, I feel your pain though your post. I think right now you need to accept your H forgiveness. His emotions may change tomorrow, but if you want to stay married to him, let him guide you through recovering. I can tell you feel horrible guilt. Is it possible for you to go to IC (individual counseling?)
Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I think if he wants to stay with you and if you love him, do whatever it takes to save your M.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 You told him. That makes a HUUUGEEEE difference. If he had found out on his own it would have been much worse. I reacted the same way when my wife told me. It was when I found out that she lied about the scope of things that I got pissed. It was because she wouldn't break contact with the OM that we are now D-ing. Hopefully you've told the full truth and answered his questions honestly. If you do those things, you might have it a lot easier. BS do go through a "rollercoaster" though. So there might be some crazy dips and highs to go through yet. Good job on telling
drifter777 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 You are very smart to view his cheap forgiveness with such trepidation. Most of the BS's that post here have experienced severe sadness, pain, anger, shame, etc. in the first few weeks after d-day. Many of them, in an attempt to ease their pain and get things back to "normal" offer this cheap forgiveness. As part of this they begin to blame themselves and defend their WS's behavior. They tell us how their WS is so remorseful and willing to do anything to save the marriage. This may work for some of them as often they stop posting and we never know the outcome. Many other of these BS's begin to post questions like "how do I get over the mental images of my WS and AP?" and, "I've discovered that the affair wasn't the short-term thing my WS claimed, and he/she has now admitted that it was an ongoing thing...". My point is, your husband may yet have a stronger reaction to what you did. If he does not you probably should assume he is either dead inside, has his own thing going on the side, or is very good at compartmentalizing traumatic events. You should begin marriage counseling & seek individual counseling yourself. His reaction is not typical and may be dangerous to your relationship and, ultimately, to his mental and physical health. It would be easy for us BS's on here to rip you for what you for cheating, but it seems as though you now are genuinely concerned for you husband's well being. I just think that true reconciliation requires both BS & WS to face this horrible event head on and deal with the strong emotions they feel.
Hoping4Better Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I never expected him to tell me how much he loves me and wants to work things out. He has known for a week. He wants me more than ever and I can't even think of having sex with him without thinking of how badly I hurt him. I don't deserve his forgiveness. I don't understand how he could forgive me so quickly. I want to work things out with my husband. I don't even know if I'm in love with him...something I haven't been sure of for a year. But I do want to. I want to fall back in love with him. I want to work things out my husband but I can't even look him in the eye. Regardless of our issues this wasn't his fault and I am afraid he is blaming himself for this. I want him to be ok. I feel so aweful even just trying to be there for him - I caused this and now he's confiding in me, now I'm his shoulder to lean on...he can't feel safe. How can he talk to me about his feelings like this when I'm the one who caused them? I don't think he has actually begun the healing process yet, it just seems like he tried to forgive me too quickly and I am afraid that instead of dealing with this now, it will just get pushed down and come back to bite us later. I want him to heal, I want our marriage to be whole I have to say this is almost exact situation I am in right now with my W, except I found out about her A. She says exact same things to me and was wondering what you'd want your H to do at this point then?
JustJoe Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 SweetEulogy, You should be warned that , ' the other shoe will drop", at some point. Drifter's post is spot on. It may be quite some time, but almost always, there will be a substantial re-action, so all you can do, at present, is to prepare to meet it. Begin by telling him the whole truth, so he knows what he has to face. Then be guided by his wishes, and you do have a chance at weathering the storm that is probably going to come. You are so fortunate that you told him the truth, unlike others who continue to deceive, at least you can point to your renewed integrity as proof of your sincere remorse, and desire to make your marriage work. Many other WS's simply don't get this crucial distinction.
nofool4u Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 He can "seem" to forgive quickly because he has a ton of things swirling around in his mind and is probably in a phase of desperation to save a marriage. He is hurt. I wonder has his anger stage came yet? Cuz if not, its coming. THEN he may think to himself that he doesn't want you any longer and wants to move on to a better life. 1
DarkPrince Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 At least you told him. Thats more than what most other ws's do. The only way to TRUE forgiveness is telling him everything and letting him deal with it. If you hold things back, and he finds out later it will ruin everything. My wife had 2 affairs. The first one she told me about and I got over it very fast. The second I had to find out myself and in a very hurtful way and now 7 years later, Im still not fully over it.
Bryanp Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Wow. You have been married only 3 years. Instead of insisting on marriage counseling you decide to: 1. Sleep with another man who becomes your lover. 2. You put your husband at risk for STD's. 3. You do not pick just any man but makes sure it is with your husband's best friend. 4. You do not pick just any man but it makes no difference to you that it is your husband's best friend and your lover is married with a wife and children. 5. While you are separated from your husband you stay with your affair partner in his home with his wife and children. 6. Congratulations. You have not only totally humiliated your husband but have totally humiliated the OM's wife as well. You are really a piece of work.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Did you tell your H WHO you cheated with? Did you tell your OM's Wife? If not - you haven't been honest at all. Did you tell all of your truth or just minimize it all? This info makes a difference - please be honest with us here. It's the only way we can help you.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 My husband and I have been married for over 3 years. We have an awesome son together and he has a wonderful son from his last wife. Our relationship hasn't been perfect...we actually have beaten the odds just by having been married this long (and yes I realize 3 years isn't very long). I'm his 3rd wife, I am 24 and he will be 40 next week. He was separated from his last wife when we met and didn't get divorced until we had been engaged for about a year and our son was 2 months old. I moved away from my family and friends to be with him and to get away from my past which was filled with self-hatred, promiscuity and drug use. I have overcome many things but I never thought that our marriage would have to face so much trouble. For the last year, at least, we have exceedingly grown apart. His last wife hurt him very deeply and was emotionally abusive during their relationship...so our marriage started in an odd place and I don't believe he ever got over what she put him through. We began our marriage with him unable to open up to me about even the slightest of emotion. I figured, at first, he would get over it once he dealt with the pain of his divorce and being unable to have primary custody of my stepson that he would be able to connect with me on a better emotional level. That wasn't the case. For the last three years he has remained completely emotionally distanced from me and our son. I can't say that what I did was right. And regardless of our issues, he didn't make this decision, I did. I was tired of it. I was tired of putting some much emotional effort into something that wasn't progressing. I was tired of allowing myself to be vulnerable to my husband only for it be used against me. I put in a last ditch effort to get my husband to find me worth his attention - bought sexy lingerie to surprise him with, tried new positions, tried marriage counseling, tried to let him know I was there for him, cooking his favorite meal...it seemed like nothing worked. It seemed like nothing would ever bring back the sparks, nothing would ever make him care about me in the least. I felt like I was only there to be cute, take care of the kids and fill his ex-wife's shoes. I had an affair with my husband's best friend. I thought that my OP was a safe friend to talk to at first. We spent a lot of time together as friends...we played video games, hung out and talked about our kids (he's married and much older, also), shared jokes...the closer we got, the safer I thought our friendship was. During the time I was hanging out with him, I had been having problems with panic attacks - I worked nights by myself in a bad part of town and someone attempted to break in while I was there, plus my father had recently found out that he has a neuro-degenerative disease that will eventually kill him, only after taking away everything that he loved living for, so I was on Xanax to control the panic attacks. I started getting high again so I didn't have to feel anything. Sad thing is, all I wanted was to finally feel something from someone. It wasn't out of revenge. I wasn't angry with him. I had been done being angry at my husband for quite a while. I guess I had just given up. I wasn't in love with my OP OR my husband, I didn't have strong feelings for my OP... he merely filled a need. I've always been somewhat of a masochist...a self-saboteur. I spent a long time rebuilding myself as a better person and leaving my past behind. I feel like I turned into everything I had walked away from, I gave in and became that selfish, self-loathing little girl again. I broke off the physical aspect of the affair a couple weeks after it had become physical. I kept in touch, though. He convinced me that we could still be friends, even hang out with his wife and kids (who I have known for a while now, too). It was ok. We still were secretive about how often we talked. It felt nice to have someone who actually wanted to talk me every day, who actually wanted to hear what I had to say, who cared (so I thought). Through all this, my relationship with my husband had still been falling apart. My husband didn't know about the affair. And I decided that I couldn't stay with him and keep letting myself be emotionally neglected. I left my husband and went to stay in a hotel. During this time, I wasn't sleeping with the OP but we spoke often about my troubles with my husband - he even had the gall to give me advice on how to fix things with my husband. He offered for me to stay with him and his family while my husband and I worked it out so I wouldn't be putting a financial strain on the relationship by paying for a room. I took him up on the offer. My husband and I reconciled after about a week of being apart. He still didn't know about the affair but he had begun to understand that there were problems in our relationship and that we needed to work on things or we wouldn't survive together. I stayed friends with the OP. He came to our house one day to tell me that he loved me (we had agreed that if any emotions were to come up between us that we wouldn't speak again). I was so mad. This man came into my house, acting like my friend and tells me me loves me and wanted me to leave my husband right after we reconciled. Anyways...my husband didn't find out. I told him. I expected him to tell me to leave. I never expected him to tell me how much he loves me and wants to work things out. He has known for a week. He wants me more than ever and I can't even think of having sex with him without thinking of how badly I hurt him. I don't deserve his forgiveness. I don't understand how he could forgive me so quickly. I want to work things out with my husband. I don't even know if I'm in love with him...something I haven't been sure of for a year. But I do want to. I want to fall back in love with him. I want to work things out my husband. I can't even look him in the eye. I just want us to be ok. Regardless of our issues this wasn't his fault and I am afraid he is blaming himself for this. I want him to be ok. I feel so aweful even just trying to be there for him - I cause this and now he's confiding in me, now I'm his shoulder to lean on...he can't feel safe. How can he talk to me about his feelings like this when I'm the one who cause them? I don't think he is actually begun the healing process yet, it just seems like he tried to forgive me too quickly and I am afraid that instead of dealing with this now, it will just get pushed down and come back to bite us in the ass later. I want him to heal, I want our marriage to be whole (I can't say again, but I want it) and I want to make sure that we are going about this the right way. I have no idea what I am doing. Now I see your other post. This was your H best friend? Have you told the wife? Have you cut any and all contact with this other couple? Your H deserves to know everything! I'm unclear if he does. I'd think he'd be flaming mad at both of you! And your H needs to learn how to share his emotions and understand how to live without jumping from one woman to he next. He seems like he's only afraid to be alone. You - you're young! You ate the one he needs to keep around to care for him when he's old and you're still young. Get counseling - both of you into individual counseling.
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