SweetEulogy Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 (edited) My husband and I have been married for over 3 years. We have an awesome son together and he has a wonderful son from his last wife. Our relationship hasn't been perfect...we actually have beaten the odds just by having been married this long (and yes I realize 3 years isn't very long). I'm his 3rd wife, I am 24 and he will be 40 next week. He was separated from his last wife when we met and didn't get divorced until we had been engaged for about a year and our son was 2 months old. I moved away from my family and friends to be with him and to get away from my past which was filled with self-hatred, promiscuity and drug use. I have overcome many things but I never thought that our marriage would have to face so much trouble. For the last year, at least, we have exceedingly grown apart. His last wife hurt him very deeply and was emotionally abusive during their relationship...so our marriage started in an odd place and I don't believe he ever got over what she put him through. We began our marriage with him unable to open up to me about even the slightest of emotion. I figured, at first, he would get over it once he dealt with the pain of his divorce and being unable to have primary custody of my stepson that he would be able to connect with me on a better emotional level. That wasn't the case. For the last three years he has remained completely emotionally distanced from me and our son. I can't say that what I did was right. And regardless of our issues, he didn't make this decision, I did. I was tired of it. I was tired of putting some much emotional effort into something that wasn't progressing. I was tired of allowing myself to be vulnerable to my husband only for it be used against me. I put in a last ditch effort to get my husband to find me worth his attention - bought sexy lingerie to surprise him with, tried new positions, tried marriage counseling, tried to let him know I was there for him, cooking his favorite meal...it seemed like nothing worked. It seemed like nothing would ever bring back the sparks, nothing would ever make him care about me in the least. I felt like I was only there to be cute, take care of the kids and fill his ex-wife's shoes. I had an affair with my husband's best friend. I thought that my OP was a safe friend to talk to at first. We spent a lot of time together as friends...we played video games, hung out and talked about our kids (he's married and much older, also), shared jokes...the closer we got, the safer I thought our friendship was. During the time I was hanging out with him, I had been having problems with panic attacks - I worked nights by myself in a bad part of town and someone attempted to break in while I was there, plus my father had recently found out that he has a neuro-degenerative disease that will eventually kill him, only after taking away everything that he loved living for, so I was on Xanax to control the panic attacks. I started getting high again so I didn't have to feel anything. Sad thing is, all I wanted was to finally feel something from someone. It wasn't out of revenge. I wasn't angry with him. I had been done being angry at my husband for quite a while. I guess I had just given up. I wasn't in love with my OP OR my husband, I didn't have strong feelings for my OP... he merely filled a need. I've always been somewhat of a masochist...a self-saboteur. I spent a long time rebuilding myself as a better person and leaving my past behind. I feel like I turned into everything I had walked away from, I gave in and became that selfish, self-loathing little girl again. I broke off the physical aspect of the affair a couple weeks after it had become physical. I kept in touch, though. He convinced me that we could still be friends, even hang out with his wife and kids (who I have known for a while now, too). It was ok. We still were secretive about how often we talked. It felt nice to have someone who actually wanted to talk me every day, who actually wanted to hear what I had to say, who cared (so I thought). Through all this, my relationship with my husband had still been falling apart. My husband didn't know about the affair. And I decided that I couldn't stay with him and keep letting myself be emotionally neglected. I left my husband and went to stay in a hotel. During this time, I wasn't sleeping with the OP but we spoke often about my troubles with my husband - he even had the gall to give me advice on how to fix things with my husband. He offered for me to stay with him and his family while my husband and I worked it out so I wouldn't be putting a financial strain on the relationship by paying for a room. I took him up on the offer. My husband and I reconciled after about a week of being apart. He still didn't know about the affair but he had begun to understand that there were problems in our relationship and that we needed to work on things or we wouldn't survive together. I stayed friends with the OP. He came to our house one day to tell me that he loved me (we had agreed that if any emotions were to come up between us that we wouldn't speak again). I was so mad. This man came into my house, acting like my friend and tells me me loves me and wanted me to leave my husband right after we reconciled. Anyways...my husband didn't find out. I told him. I expected him to tell me to leave. I never expected him to tell me how much he loves me and wants to work things out. He has known for a week. He wants me more than ever and I can't even think of having sex with him without thinking of how badly I hurt him. I don't deserve his forgiveness. I don't understand how he could forgive me so quickly. I want to work things out with my husband. I don't even know if I'm in love with him...something I haven't been sure of for a year. But I do want to. I want to fall back in love with him. I want to work things out my husband. I can't even look him in the eye. I just want us to be ok. Regardless of our issues this wasn't his fault and I am afraid he is blaming himself for this. I want him to be ok. I feel so aweful even just trying to be there for him - I cause this and now he's confiding in me, now I'm his shoulder to lean on...he can't feel safe. How can he talk to me about his feelings like this when I'm the one who cause them? I don't think he is actually begun the healing process yet, it just seems like he tried to forgive me too quickly and I am afraid that instead of dealing with this now, it will just get pushed down and come back to bite us in the ass later. I want him to heal, I want our marriage to be whole (I can't say again, but I want it) and I want to make sure that we are going about this the right way. I have no idea what I am doing. Edited May 7, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 He wants me more than ever Hysterical bonding. He is 'reclaiming' you on some level. You two HAVE to go to marriage counselling immediately. Something that should have happened as soon as you two started having problems..And with that said, your H should have gone to counselling on his own to deal with the baggage and other stuff from his exwife.. He brought that into your marriage, which happened quickly so he's had NO time to be alone and deal with things and work through them.
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