kourtney01 Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Just curious if this is normal? Should I be going out more or trying to get out there and date to feel better? I feel like when I do that and things go terribly wrong, it only makes me feel worse.. You can check my posting history for the full story but in a nutshell: -We met,love at first sight, there were red flags, I got pregnant really early and had an abortion -He cheated on me multiple times and always blamed it on my abortion -I broke up with him a 100 times and he always begged me back -The last time I broke up with him he met another woman, got her pregnant right away,they moved in together and had the baby 3 months ago I have no idea what goes on in his life since I deleated every trace of him and contact. I deleated all the photos and all the memories.. I even threw all the jewelry in the garbage. This other woman is wearing my old engagement ring and living with him and his son (from his previous marriage) in some apartment next to his ex-wife.. that's the last news I got about them before I decide to cut off the source of news as well. For a while I was ok.. I had a couple of rebounds and then I felt like I could be single and be ok. I met this guy who I dated for 2months and he ended up leaving me to get back with his ex... before I took new guy off my facebook, I saw all kinds of photos of him and his ex back together and happy.. they went on vacations, and to fancy dinners,and adventures together..it reminded me of my ex and I and it made me jealous and bitter all over again. I was jealous that they got back together and made it work and my ex was having a baby with new baby-mama...that esp hurt because of my abortion. That's when the healing came to a stop. The past few months I've been ok again. Just working out a lot and looking great. Been training for salsa competitions and started my first career day job..things seemed like they were looking up.. but lately I've been having urges to look up my ex-fiancee again..when will it end?? I looked him up on facebook and it hurt sooo much to see him holding his new baby girl.. esp since I want a baby (but the proper way with marriage first and a plan....he was always against that) Everyone tells me his baby mama is not pretty but I find her pretty.. I think it's partly because I'm hurting because there are times when I feel ok and suddenly she doesn't seem pretty to me anymore... Lastly, my ex always begged me in the past to be friends after the break-up and I refused..it was too hard.. now I regret it.. he was such a big part of my life for so long that I feel like being friends would have helped me deal with the "withdrawal"..is that true? I just didn't want to make things easier for him ... I wanted him to suffer for me after he cheated (again) just months before our wedding date...and he suffered his way into another girl's pants is what he did...so much for that plan :S Now I'm feeling great again for some time..and then the past few nights I've been having dreams about us kissing passionately like we did when we first met.. I forgot all the awful things he did and I've been thinking about the beginning a lot... I started panicking and writing down all the bad stuff over and over but it only works for a few weeks until I relapse again... He was a liar, a manipulator, an obnoxious narcissist, a cheat, disrespectful, violent when drunk, had no respect for women, criminal record (from the past), couldn't keep a job, he got to the point where he never kissed me, his mother was a cruel, evil woman..and his son always came first when he wasn't partying that is... yet I only remember how bad he wanted a baby and how he begged me not to abort, and how he bought a house for us (which he lost due to not paying his bills) and how he proposed, and the tattoos we got as a symbol of forever, and all the vacations he took me on..and the amazing sex-life...and I feel incredibly guilty. ugh I still feel guilty Why is this happening to me? Should I have broken up with him in a different way? Am I just lonely? How can I be SO STRONG..and then have a dream and wake up almost feeling like he's beside me after not thinking of him for weeks..this can't be normal. I really need some advice...
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 the pain will numb in time. he didn't know what he had and took it for granted. it is hard to grasp, but those closest to us can become so evil, there is no reason to remain "friends" with someone that is ok with hurting you so much. you deserve better and you will certainly get it.
CopingGal Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 the pain will numb in time. he didn't know what he had and took it for granted. it is hard to grasp, but those closest to us can become so evil, there is no reason to remain "friends" with someone that is ok with hurting you so much. you deserve better and you will certainly get it. Seriously....I found out the hard way...you DON'T stay friends with someone who treated you badly. If they treated you badly as a partner, they will treat you badly as a friend. 1
darkmoon Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 he must be good-looking and OP is responding to that, good on the outside but a douche inside, blaming your abortion for his infidelity is a wild accusation (i mean, just who unzipped his pants? you?) and any accusaton will do if he wants to win and for you to be in the wrong, this is a crush that did not work out, please find someeone with more integrity
Exit Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You remind me of myself, in the way that for some reason, we find these clearly less-than-ideal (trying to resist using the word HORRIBLE) relationships are for some reason the hardest to let go of, or the most addictive. It makes zero sense to me. Previously I've been dumped by beautiful, successful women who treated me well and were great people all around, and yeah those ones were painful too, but here I am still thinking about someone who treated me terribly, lied to me like I've never been lied to before, has nothing going for her, etc etc etc, and this one is taking a really long time to forget about. I guess what they say is true, you can't help who you love. If any of those criteria mattered to me, I never would have fallen in love with her in the first place. I don't care if my partners have a steady career or a ton of ambition or anything, just want someone who cares about me. You absolutely should NOT regret choosing not to be friends with him. You're hurting and your brain is trying to rationalize that maybe being in touch with him would have made it easier, but that's a lie. Just like an alcoholic or a drug addict would swear that they'd be able to quit if they could just have a little bit here and there instead of having to swear it off for good. It doesn't work that way. It's GREAT that you are keeping yourself in shape, sad to say but with the way society is, that's the quickest ticket to a bright future and meeting other people and finding happiness again some day. I let myself slide in the wrong direction these last few months, drinking and eating whatever I wanted to try to feel better. I tried to exercise tonight and I was embarrassed by how little I could keep up with the video I was following. I wish I had some more insight into why we have trouble letting these people go, but I don't. You and I both seem to be in the position where if we tell people what happened to us and describe our ex, it takes people a split second to say things like "You dodged a bullet, you can do a lot better than that" or whatever. Much like I read your story and hear about the cheating and the breaking up and all the drama, and I think it's plain to see that you are much better off without him. You may not be 100% healed after a year, but surely you must be able to look back and at least see progress? As bad as I still feel, I know I'm doing somewhat better. I'm sure you are too. And that means you just need more time. For some people, trying to get out there and date more might help, but if it doesn't really work for you, just forget about that for now. I've never been hurt so badly that I didn't start dating 2 or 3 months later, but not this time. Heading for 6 months now and I just feel zero interest in actively trying to start over with someone. If I happen to meet someone cool, great, but slim chance of that happening. I suspect there is something greater at work here, perhaps people like us have a certain personality type or something else going on with us that we find these nasty people harder to let go of. There must be some explanation but I have yet to figure it out.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) You're hurting and your brain is trying to rationalize that maybe being in touch with him would have made it easier, but that's a lie. Just like an alcoholic or a drug addict would swear that they'd be able to quit if they could just have a little bit here and there instead of having to swear it off for good. It doesn't work that way. I suspect there is something greater at work here, perhaps people like us have a certain personality type or something else going on with us that we find these nasty people harder to let go of. There must be some explanation but I have yet to figure it out. Ding ding ding winna winna chicken dinner!!! These roller coaster relationships are all about the addiction to the sporadic and unpredictable, crazy, passionate highs (google intermittent reinforcement theory) It's really and truly an addiction -- the highs are amazing and wonderful but the lows are brutal -- we get addicted to the highs that salve the extreme pain from the lows. When it's good, it's passionate and usually full of crazy great sex, we're full of serotonin and on top of the world, when it turns bad we crash and go looking for the next passion fix in a roller coaster cycle of highs and then pain, a crazy pattern that both parties encourage each other in. We then mistake the crazy highs for love when it's actually more about a cycle of infatuation and sex/passion and anxiety -- not true love. These relships are also the hardest to get over bc like an addiction we have patterns formed in our brain that can come up out of the blue -- images, pictures, dreams, feelings about the past -- it's almost like post traumatic stress disorder like a soldier experiences. The relship was so full of pain, excitement and trauma that it's burned into us on a deep unconscious level. The worst part is we tend to remember the crazy passionate highs and not the crappy lows -- just like an alcoholic or an addict. Edited May 8, 2012 by The Great Gazoo
marqueemoon4 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You remind me of myself, in the way that for some reason, we find these clearly less-than-ideal (trying to resist using the word HORRIBLE) relationships are for some reason the hardest to let go of, or the most addictive. It makes zero sense to me. Previously I've been dumped by beautiful, successful women who treated me well and were great people all around, and yeah those ones were painful too, but here I am still thinking about someone who treated me terribly, lied to me like I've never been lied to before, has nothing going for her, etc etc etc, and this one is taking a really long time to forget about. I guess what they say is true, you can't help who you love. If any of those criteria mattered to me, I never would have fallen in love with her in the first place. I don't care if my partners have a steady career or a ton of ambition or anything, just want someone who cares about me. I think its lack of self esteem and lack of self confidence. I'm the exact same way. I think pride plays a role too.. if I had decided to walk away from my marriage on my terms and had accepted all the crap that came along with that, I would probably wouldn't still be hurting and tormented by how things went down in reality.
Sugarkane Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 The way they breakup with you has a lot to do with it. You've had to process all The betrayal and cheating and lying you have been put through. If you weren't completely betrayed it wouldnt have hurt that much.
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