Emotional affair and now...?

[mildsociopath]

This is...difficult for me, to say the least.

 

Let me first give some background before I go into my concerns.

 

Met my husband in 1998 online...we got together, hung out, hit if off. Decided to continue the relationship long distance. Around 2002 or so, he began to come and live with me on a more frequent basis. When we weren't together, we had issues. I found the distance difficult to deal with (he was from US, I am in Canada). We went to counselling, fought online constantly, dealt with a lot of issues. Eventually, he moved here permanently in 2006 I think. We decided to get married in 2009. Things are good...we're great friends, we have a blast together and get along really really well.

 

Sex however, is another issue. When we dated across the miles, we had mind blowing sex. We got into all kinds of crazy situations...experimented with our boundaries and just generally had fun. He was only the second man I'd ever been with. Halfway through our relationship, I started to have issues with sex. I wasn't interested in it. I wonder if it has to do with my lack of emotional stimulation from him. I know I rejected him a lot, and that caused concerns for us. But we managed to work through it and our sex life settled into a pattern again. Now, we're back to the same, and this time, it seems that he's the one that doesn't come for it. He doesn't treat me as a lover anymore...merely a friend.

 

The situation I now find myself in is strange. I write a lot of fiction and post it online, and one of my stories caught the eye of someone who contacted me and expressed his enjoyment of it. We began to chat...talked a lot and he approached me about wanting to collaborate on some writing. I agreed...seemed harmless. It always is, right? It took all of two weeks for our entire relationship to evolve (or perhaps devolve) from an innocent writing partnership to a full blown emotional affair.

 

I have so much fun just chatting with him, and eventually, his compliments about my writing turned into compliments about me. We flirted with each other a lot. He knows I am married. He's significantly younger than me. After one particularly steamy evening of chat, I admitted to him that I wanted to get together with him for a few days. We planned for this to happen sometime in the fall of this year. We continued to chat, alternating our nights of writing, with nights of flirting and still more nights of just friendly harmless chat.

 

Recently, some bad stuff has come into his life, causing him to really question things about himself. He admitted to me that he felt bad for flirting with me the way he had - said that it made him feel like a terrible person. Imagine that...I'm the one pushing for all of this and he's the one who feels terrible.

 

In any case, we have discussed the issue at length, and do not want to give up on writing. Or on being friends. But due to his feelings over the issue, I have agreed to not pursue getting together with him. It would seem that he will be ending the emotional affair - though I don't know for sure. I'm certain we will still flirt, but then...maybe not.

 

Either way, the whole thing is ripping me apart. I feel...devastated. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and inspiring...and those are things that even when my husband and I were at our best, he never told me. He wants to do things with me that I know I could never ask my husband for, and don't think I would want to ask my husband for.

 

Here are the things I know...I know I'm a terrible person for betraying my husband this way. You don't have to tell me that. I know that I shouldn't even pursue my writing partnership any longer, but I refuse to give it up. I know that my feelings for my husband are not the same as they once were. I love him - of course I still love him, but that love is not what it should be. I don't want to leave him. He is my best friend...he's my rock. But there are some things that he cannot or will not provide for me. We've talked about certain aspects of this, but not all...I don't know how to bring it up. How do you tell your husband that he quite likely will never be able to satisfy the needs that you now have?

 

I want to keep my friendship. I'm not going to end it. But I know myself enough to understand that there is no way that I'll never not stop thinking about this man. I am desperate for the short time that I hoped to share with him...to just know what it feels like to be completely adored. To know some of the things that my husband will never be able to give me.

 

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting on here. Perhaps it's just to let this all out. This isn't exactly something I can just go chatting about with my friends. It's something that most wouldn't understand. Actually, I'm certain that there will be many who read this that feel the same way.

 

I wish I could express how overwhelming my emotions are when I talk to this man. I wish I could express just how resentful I am that my husband cannot give me what I'm looking for. I know that if I'm not feeling the way I used to, it would be more fair to my husband to tell him...give him an option to make a decision. Trust me...I've had the conversation in my head a million times about wanting to seek outside my marriage for fulfillment. I can never seem to get past what my husband would say...how he would react. I wish I had the nerve to ask...

 

Yeah...so anyway, thanks for reading...hearing me out...whatever it is you choose to do with this post...

[woinlove]

You've stated quite clearly that you will not give up your R with the OM, and you are reluctant to be honest with your H because of how you think he will react. Yet, it sounds like the deceit is affecting you and, so, you may not be able to keep it up indefinitely.

 

While you can keep it up, you can enjoy both the OM and what you have with your H, but it is coming at a cost which is likely to increase with time. Feeling really good about yourself, who you are as a person, and how you treat others, is priceless and can take quite a while to rebuild once you settle into a pattern of ignoring the guilt and negative feelings that come with behaving poorly. Personally, I would choose openness and honesty. What is the worst that can happen? You end up divorced and OM turns out not to ready to commit to you, or turns out not to be what you hoped for? Is that so bad if you can still feel good about your choices and how you treated yourself and others? I don't think so, but maybe for you the balance is different.

[mildsociopath]

To clarify, I'm not reluctant to be honest with my husband because of how he will react. I just simply do not know how to tell him...how to bring it up...any of that.

 

I thank you for what you've said. I appreciate all of it. But the problem lies in the fact that I'm having a tough time feeling anything. The emptiness I'm feeling from my relationship with my husband is surpassing even the guilt that I should be feeling for seeking outside of it.

 

Maybe that's what I'm trying to work through. I feel cold about it...but that's it. I feel like I should have taken the warnings in our relationship before seriously...maybe we weren't meant to be married. That doesn't make it any easier to discuss with him...in fact, I think that's even worse to have to admit to someone...

[whichwayisup]

If you spent that energy on your husband and marriage, reconnected with your husband, go on dates, communicate and really listen to one another, maybe even get counselling, you wouldn't need another man to fulfill your ego and other needs. You shoud be getting all this from your H, not the OM.

 

It's unfair what you're doing to your husband. Getting close to another man while you're still married is asking for trouble!

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'd say:

1) Be honest with your husband (H), answer any questions honestly and fully

2) Drop the OM (writing partner), your H will help motivate you on this.

3) Marriage Counseling(MC)

4) Both you and your H maybe should read some good books like "His Needs Her Needs" or "The Five Love Languages". I prefer HNHN.

 

Your H and you should be fulfilling each other's needs or there's going to be big trouble like you see heading your way.

[Bellechica]

I know you say you don't want to end your "friendship" with the OM but PLEASE trust me that if you don't that EA could turn into a PA. You think you have everything in check and he feels bad for crossing the line with you, but please, you have a choice now to be strong.

If I had found LS a little over a year ago, I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in.....living with guilt and trying to get back to the life I knew before my As.

You think you have control, but even good people do horrible things.

You sound a lot like me: extremely unsatisfied sexually but it will be a heck of a lot easier if you really, really try to communicate your needs to your H. You say you don't know how to tell him right now, but it won't be any easier if you keep heading down the road your on having this EA with the OM.

You need to let him know how low you've gotten. I wish I had told my H more when I was in your position. I tried to tell him but I didn't force the issue. My H and I both avoid conflict, but if I could go back in time, I'd tell him I was turning to another man.

Once you get physical with another man, your H may never forgive you.

You have a chance!!! You can get out before it gets worse!

Edited May 7, 2012 by Bellechica

[mildsociopath]

I appreciate everyone's advice.

 

I have ended the EA. I am currently seeing a therapist and on antidepressents and we've worked out that the self esteem issues I thought that I got rid of after high school are still very apparent in my life.

 

I won't be working on my marriage until I work on myself.

[happyme]

Mildsociopath - why do you call yourself that? You sound pretty sensible and serious to me. From my perspective you're doing alright.... life is a learning curve anyway and let's face it - something had to give, right? People sometimes scream 'guilt! shame!' but those are extremely destructive emotions, so drop them. Introspection is good, and it seems as though you are now determined to make work of that in order to get your life on track from the inside out - the only true way.

 

All the very best to you xx

[SomedayDig]

I love how people in your shoes always justify your affairs by saying that your SO isn't meeting your "needs." You can't rely on someone else to make you happy.

 

Just imagine how you are failing as a wife with your weird online life. I seriously doubt that you are meeting your H "needs."

 

Your problem is simple.......you need to stop living in a fantasy land and join the real world. Grow up and get rid of your bf and your entire online world.

 

^^ THIS. All of this.

 

My wife has admitted to me about how she created the bullsh_t in her head that I wasn't meeting her needs. How she is the one who, when she told her family and friends that she wasn't happy because I wasn't doing this or that was, in reality, was doing nothing but justifying to herself - and others. Hell, she even had ME believing it until 3/6.

 

Look deeper Mild...but this time do so and blame yourself instead of everyone else. Get out of your own way when you answer, though or you may not get it.

[carhill]

OP, if you're still reading, can you describe with any specificity what 'emotional stimulation' means? Also, and this might be a good topic to discuss with your IC, what's your responsibility in that dynamic?

 

I dealt with this in MC and my opinion is, if you wish to fully recover your M, disclosure is paramount. If you don't, no need to disclose. Move on.