i think i get it now

[SarahRose]

all i need to do is be a jerk and then i can get away with anything.

 

im having issue with my husband who wont look for work. he has been out of work for 7 months and hasnt applied for one job. he isnt doing anything around the house just sleeping and playing video games.

 

if someone asks me if he is depressed one more time, i am going to scream

 

it seems being depressed gives you an excuse for everything in life. he isn't depressed.

 

maybe since i am the one who is actually severely depressed i should just quit my job and loaf around doing nothing.

 

i have asked him to look for work. he just says he will and does nothing or makes excuses that his resume isnt up to date ummm well what the bleep is stopping him from updating it?

 

i am really fed up here and am not sure what to do at this point

[DaisyLeigh]

all i need to do is be a jerk and then i can get away with anything.

 

im having issue with my husband who wont look for work. he has been out of work for 7 months and hasnt applied for one job. he isnt doing anything around the house just sleeping and playing video games.

 

if someone asks me if he is depressed one more time, i am going to scream

 

it seems being depressed gives you an excuse for everything in life. he isn't depressed.

 

maybe since i am the one who is actually severely depressed i should just quit my job and loaf around doing nothing.

 

i have asked him to look for work. he just says he will and does nothing or makes excuses that his resume isnt up to date ummm well what the bleep is stopping him from updating it?

 

i am really fed up here and am not sure what to do at this point

 

 

I don't blame you. I would tell him flat up either pull his weight or get out.

[Eve]

Start looking at flats within your price range and get your hair done.

 

He will notice that...

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Radu]

Start looking at flats within your price range and get your hair done.

 

He will notice that...

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Awesome advice.

[KathyM]

I think some tough love is in order here. Since he is acting like an irresponsible child, maybe he should be treated like one. In other words, since you are the one with the job, you control the purse strings. Therefore, you pay for the bills you have to--apartment, utilities, your clothes, and you completely cut him off from any source of funds. Set up a separate bank account for yourself and deposit your paycheck in your account that he doesn't have access to. You start eating out, and he'll have to fend for himself with no money. Those are drastic steps, but it's time for drastic measures to get this irresponsible man-child to wake up and join the adult world and learn that if he wants to eat and have money for anything at all, he'll have to earn it. You could make an agreement with him that if he shows you he has sent out 100 resumes a week via Email, he'll get access to $X. Tough love is the way to go on this. With a lazy man, it's the only way, IMO. Right now, you are enabling him to be irresponsible when he can sit around all day and do nothing while you are paying all the bills. You need to do what parents sometimes have to when their adult children are living off of mom and dad--cut off the funds so he is forced to get serious about finding a job.

[soserious1]

I think some tough love is in order here. Since he is acting like an irresponsible child, maybe he should be treated like one. In other words, since you are the one with the job, you control the purse strings. Therefore, you pay for the bills you have to--apartment, utilities, your clothes, and you completely cut him off from any source of funds. Set up a separate bank account for yourself and deposit your paycheck in your account that he doesn't have access to. You start eating out, and he'll have to fend for himself with no money. Those are drastic steps, but it's time for drastic measures to get this irresponsible man-child to wake up and join the adult world and learn that if he wants to eat and have money for anything at all, he'll have to earn it. You could make an agreement with him that if he shows you he has sent out 100 resumes a week via Email, he'll get access to $X. Tough love is the way to go on this. With a lazy man, it's the only way, IMO. Right now, you are enabling him to be irresponsible when he can sit around all day and do nothing while you are paying all the bills. You need to do what parents sometimes have to when their adult children are living off of mom and dad--cut off the funds so he is forced to get serious about finding a job.

 

I can tell you from my own direct experiences that doing this is a mistake & might well be viewed by a divorce court judge as " abusive behavior" the OP's income is considered family money & her husband has a legal right to it, attempting to force him to change by with holding funds is identified as an abusive behavior by just about any domestic violence expert around today.

 

All the OP can do is to let her husband know that she is not supportive of his choice to be unemployed, if he fails to seek work she can petition for divorce. I would encourage OP to think long & hard here & not wait too long for change before filing. Staying married indicates her approval of his unemployed status & sets up the status quo of the marriage. A judge might well award her husband alimony if she waits too long to file.

[findingnemo]

all i need to do is be a jerk and then i can get away with anything.

 

im having issue with my husband who wont look for work. he has been out of work for 7 months and hasnt applied for one job. he isnt doing anything around the house just sleeping and playing video games.

 

if someone asks me if he is depressed one more time, i am going to scream

 

it seems being depressed gives you an excuse for everything in life. he isn't depressed.

 

maybe since i am the one who is actually severely depressed i should just quit my job and loaf around doing nothing.

 

i have asked him to look for work. he just says he will and does nothing or makes excuses that his resume isnt up to date ummm well what the bleep is stopping him from updating it?

 

i am really fed up here and am not sure what to do at this point

 

You need to move out or ask him to leave. It will take some time for him to either do what he needs to do or he'll just keep playing video games. Either way, you win. He comes back with a job, all's good. He doesn't, then you get a D.

[musemaj11]

This man is an inconsiderate filth.

 

If I lived with someone and dont work, I wouldnt even touch the food on the table no matter how hungry I am. I cant stand taking advantage of anyone.

[Eve]

Have you been able to talk things through?

 

Sarahrose.. what happened for things to come to this?

 

Is he a new partner?

 

Are you very run down?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[KathyM]

I can tell you from my own direct experiences that doing this is a mistake & might well be viewed by a divorce court judge as " abusive behavior" the OP's income is considered family money & her husband has a legal right to it, attempting to force him to change by with holding funds is identified as an abusive behavior by just about any domestic violence expert around today.

 

All the OP can do is to let her husband know that she is not supportive of his choice to be unemployed, if he fails to seek work she can petition for divorce. I would encourage OP to think long & hard here & not wait too long for change before filing. Staying married indicates her approval of his unemployed status & sets up the status quo of the marriage. A judge might well award her husband alimony if she waits too long to file.

How is it abuse if there is food in the refrigerator? He can make it himself. Also not abuse if she doesn't pay for outside activities that are not necessary. As long as his basic needs are being met--access to food and shelter, it's not abuse. I don't think any court would find a strict monetary policy to be abusive, as long as his needs for food and shelter were being met. I think it would get that man-child to realize it sucks to have no access to money, and he might get serious about getting a job when he is no longer enabled to behave irresponsibly. And if he files for divorce over it, rather than actively looking for employment, so be it.

[Radu]

I really hope this is not how it actually works, because that is offensive to reason on so many levels.

 

I don't mean to derail the thread, but this is how it actually works. Unless couples have a prenup in place and separate finances, income is joint.

Marriage is from a legal aspect a financial union, that's why debt is like STD's.

 

I also know quite a few women in RL who go by the mantra of 'my money is my money and his money is our money', so i find your comment quite ... funny.

 

However this doesn't detract from the fact at hand, which is to have a fire lit under his ass.

[Radu]

That's how it works, the spouse that works cannot force the non-working spouse to get a job.

I think in some countries you can document the fact that the non-working spouse refused to get a job, it helps with alimony in case of divorce, OP should consult a lawyer.

 

Arguing like this is like a limbo contest, the one that goes the lowest always wins.

[wellwhynot]

Yep, it's absolutely true.

If he doesn't work and she accepts it for long enough, when she finally DOES get sick enough of his adolescent behavior, she will be seen as being the family support and as such may be required to pay him spousal "maitenance" depending on where she's located. This is based on what I know of the legal system in certain US states. It may not be applicable to all.

 

If she witholds money it will be looked at a sign of domestic violence. It falls under the "controlling behavior" category along with these others.

 

Does your partner:

 

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
  
• control where you go or what you do?
  
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  
• constantly check up on you?
  

So, if she limits funds, that will technically control where he can go, limit the amount of time he can see family/friends etc, all he has to do is say that by asking if he's getting a job she's also constantly checking up on him....

and she's totally screwed.

 

I say you get a newspaper (I know... who reads them with everything electronic, but get a real one) and a red magic marker. Circle jobs for him for 3 days and ask him to look at them.

If he hasn't called about any on the 4th day when you hand him the paper with things circled make sure it's apartments. When he asks what that means, say "Well obviously one of us will be moving. I thought we could get a head start."

Maybe that will snap him out of it.

 

Good luck.

[d'Arthez]

Could one of the problems be the age difference? That you married a (emotional) kid?

 

Take away his toys and ask him to man up. If he refuses, you may be left with no alternative.

[soserious1]

Where is the force though? The working spouse is simply cutting off access to discretionary spending. It's not like they're cutting off food or essentials. To label this as "abuse" seems to be incredibly obtuse.

 

Because using money as a weapon to control the actions of one's spouse is considered "abuse" by just about every psych expert out there.

 

Current earnings are considered the property of both spouses, if you do not agree with your spouse's fiscal dealings you have the right to respectfully request change. You also have the right to protect yourself from further damage by canceling any jointly held credit cards. However, you must act quickly if change is not forthcoming . Family court judges are very much into the idea of preserving the structure families had set up during their marriages. If your spouse sits at home for several years, it is assumed that your approved of this state of affairs, in making an alimony judgement, the judge will often simply maintain the status quo that existed by mutual agreement.

 

In short, if you aren't okay with supporting a stay at home spouse you need to make that really crystal clear & be prepared to take action really quickly if you don't want to get hosed in a divorce action.

 

Had I filed after my husband had been jobless for under 2 years, I'd have been able to come away paying only time limited, rehabilitative alimony. Allowing the situation to continue for several years signaled my approval of his jobless status to the courts & paved the way at least partially, for him to be awared life long support?

[SarahRose]

I don't blame you. I would tell him flat up either pull his weight or get out.

 

yeah i am about to that point,

[SarahRose]

Start looking at flats within your price range and get your hair done.

 

He will notice that...

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

lol

i am not quite ready to abandon my property

[The Blue Knight]

all i need to do is be a jerk and then i can get away with anything.

 

im having issue with my husband who wont look for work. he has been out of work for 7 months and hasnt applied for one job. he isnt doing anything around the house just sleeping and playing video games.

 

if someone asks me if he is depressed one more time, i am going to scream

 

it seems being depressed gives you an excuse for everything in life. he isn't depressed.

 

maybe since i am the one who is actually severely depressed i should just quit my job and loaf around doing nothing.

 

i have asked him to look for work. he just says he will and does nothing or makes excuses that his resume isnt up to date ummm well what the bleep is stopping him from updating it?

 

i am really fed up here and am not sure what to do at this point

Okay, I won't ask you if he's depressed.

 

I'll just toss it out in a straight-up fashion. I think "depression" excuses have become the new hip word to replace "lazy" and it's become so widespread that it's become absolutely ridiculous. 30 years ago, we recognized people who were lazy and we labeled them as such. Today, we have to toss all these fashionable psychological labels out that might somehow excuse their lazy behavior. Give me a break!!!

 

You hit the nail on the head Sarah. You're the one suffering from depression because you come home everyday and look at a lazy, no-good, doofus of a husband, who wants to sit and entertain himself with dumbed-down video games.

 

Simple solution. Tell him the free lunch is over and if he's not out looking for a job by Monday, you're either moving out or he is.

 

Love can only go so far. When a guy plays his wife like this, he's taking full advantage of you and counting on "your love and commitment" to give him a free pass. This isn't what you signed up for when you got married.

[SarahRose]

I think some tough love is in order here. Since he is acting like an irresponsible child, maybe he should be treated like one. In other words, since you are the one with the job, you control the purse strings. Therefore, you pay for the bills you have to--apartment, utilities, your clothes, and you completely cut him off from any source of funds. Set up a separate bank account for yourself and deposit your paycheck in your account that he doesn't have access to. You start eating out, and he'll have to fend for himself with no money. Those are drastic steps, but it's time for drastic measures to get this irresponsible man-child to wake up and join the adult world and learn that if he wants to eat and have money for anything at all, he'll have to earn it. You could make an agreement with him that if he shows you he has sent out 100 resumes a week via Email, he'll get access to $X. Tough love is the way to go on this. With a lazy man, it's the only way, IMO. Right now, you are enabling him to be irresponsible when he can sit around all day and do nothing while you are paying all the bills. You need to do what parents sometimes have to when their adult children are living off of mom and dad--cut off the funds so he is forced to get serious about finding a job.

 

this is somewhat what my counselor has advised me to do

[SarahRose]

I can tell you from my own direct experiences that doing this is a mistake & might well be viewed by a divorce court judge as " abusive behavior" the OP's income is considered family money & her husband has a legal right to it, attempting to force him to change by with holding funds is identified as an abusive behavior by just about any domestic violence expert around today.

 

All the OP can do is to let her husband know that she is not supportive of his choice to be unemployed, if he fails to seek work she can petition for divorce. I would encourage OP to think long & hard here & not wait too long for change before filing. Staying married indicates her approval of his unemployed status & sets up the status quo of the marriage. A judge might well award her husband alimony if she waits too long to file.

 

no, i don't live in the united states.

 

things are different here.

[SarahRose]

You need to move out or ask him to leave. It will take some time for him to either do what he needs to do or he'll just keep playing video games. Either way, you win. He comes back with a job, all's good. He doesn't, then you get a D.

 

i have told him we aren't moving anymore and we have to stay in this house he hates unless he gets a job because i don't have enough money to move. he isn't too thrilled about that.

[SarahRose]

This man is an inconsiderate filth.

 

If I lived with someone and dont work, I wouldnt even touch the food on the table no matter how hungry I am. I cant stand taking advantage of anyone.

 

i don't have much respect for people who sponge

[SarahRose]

Have you been able to talk things through?

 

Sarahrose.. what happened for things to come to this?

 

Is he a new partner?

 

Are you very run down?

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

i have made it clear he needed to start loking for a job right away.

we've been together eight years and married three.

yes i am run down and tired.

[SarahRose]

Yep, it's absolutely true.

If he doesn't work and she accepts it for long enough, when she finally DOES get sick enough of his adolescent behavior, she will be seen as being the family support and as such may be required to pay him spousal "maitenance" depending on where she's located. This is based on what I know of the legal system in certain US states. It may not be applicable to all.

 

If she witholds money it will be looked at a sign of domestic violence. It falls under the "controlling behavior" category along with these others.

 

Does your partner:

 

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
  
• control where you go or what you do?
  
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  
• constantly check up on you?
  

So, if she limits funds, that will technically control where he can go, limit the amount of time he can see family/friends etc, all he has to do is say that by asking if he's getting a job she's also constantly checking up on him....

and she's totally screwed.

 

I say you get a newspaper (I know... who reads them with everything electronic, but get a real one) and a red magic marker. Circle jobs for him for 3 days and ask him to look at them.

If he hasn't called about any on the 4th day when you hand him the paper with things circled make sure it's apartments. When he asks what that means, say "Well obviously one of us will be moving. I thought we could get a head start."

Maybe that will snap him out of it.

 

Good luck.

 

i'm not in the united states.

the laws are different here.

[The Blue Knight]

i don't have much respect for people who sponge

It appears that you marriage a first-rate sponge. He's clearly not a man. A man takes care of his wife and family. A man finds a job or any respectable means of making money if he can't find steady work. Sorry to sound brutal, but you married a man-child. Something far too common with this generation of men.