Divorced but wanting a baby...

[findingnemo]

I hope this is the right forum. If not, mods please move this thread. Thanks.

 

I have a gf who recently got D. She's been separated for about 6 years. She has one child with autism and wants another child. She has just turned 39 years old.

 

So here's my dilemma. As a woman, I totally understand this desire to have another child. But she is unmarried and already has one. I worry about the effect of her having a child by a man who isn't a part of her life on her, her existing child and the unborn baby. We were having a discussion yesterday and it got a bit heated when I said something about it not being a good thing to have a baby when not M to it's father. She lost it (she's really stressing about this) and told me that she thinks we are at an age now when worrying about what people think is a stupid reason to do or not do something. She explained her needs again....

 

Okay. I admit that by the end of her discourse I was thinking she made some valid points. But I'm still skeptical and I can't quite think clearly about why I think it's a bad idea. She accused me of being..what did she call it? Stuck in keeping up appearances. And you know what? This has always been an issue for me although I must also say I've become much better at curbing this tendency. I still can't stop the feeling that this just isn't right though. Is that I don't like the idea of a woman having kids from multiple men? Is it that I don't think a single woman should be having kids?

 

What do you all think about a divorced woman wanting to have a child, going ahead and getting pregnant without a permanent man in her life? Do you think it's okay? If so, why? If not, why not? Any advice and opinions are welcome. As one of her closest friends, I'd like to have given this some serious thought and advice her accordingly. Not because of some pre-conceived notions which even I find difficult to justify given this particular case. Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, i have to say, there are arguments on both sides - but as I see it, the arguments against, hinge on moral, medical and practical factors, while the arguments for, hinge instead almost entirely on the emotional.

 

The bottom line is that there is no sound, practical, moral medical reason for having a baby - but plenty of emotionally and hormonally-fulfilling ones.

 

And unfortunately, no amount of sensible, moral, practical medical reasoning can dent a hole in any of it.

 

when a woman wants - a woman wants.

 

Remember the really, really long, twin-thread discussion the man and wife were having about having a baby, vasectomy reversal, ready-made family, knew-this-when-they-married type stuff?

 

There you go.

No amount of common sense will ever appease that inherent, urgent, desperate need in a woman, to have a child.

 

The only thing that might, is hormonal suppressants.

 

Maybe.

But then, of course - she's got to want to take them.

 

Forget it nemo.

Nothing will sway her.

I guarantee it.

[darkmoon]

the single mom does not necessarily have it good, there's alot of isolation, also having a baby (by a stranger) is unfair on the child who will not have any access at all to his/her father while the rest of us mostly do, i've seen tears over absent dads missing, but the media don't cover the miserable stories, besides who will pay for the child new baby and mom-off-work?

Edited May 6, 2012 by darkmoon

[TaraMaiden]

the single mom does not necessarily have it good, there's alot of isolation, also having a baby (by a stranger) is unfair on the child who will not have any access at all to his/her father while the rest of us mostly do, i've seen tears over absent dads missing, but the media don't cover the miserable stories, besides who will pay for the child new baby and mom-off-work?

Now see? That's practical, sensible down-to-earth advice.

All the comments and salient points have a great deal of common sense to them.

 

Yes.

 

....Which she will completely ignore, have pat replies for and just... water off a duck's back.

[standtall]

 

What do you all think about a divorced woman wanting to have a child, going ahead and getting pregnant without a permanent man in her life? Do you think it's okay? If so, why? If not, why not? Any advice and opinions are welcome. As one of her closest friends, I'd like to have given this some serious thought and advice her accordingly. Not because of some pre-conceived notions which even I find difficult to justify given this particular case. Thanks.

 

nemo,

 

1. Mistake. The child is entitled to the attentions and guidance of both parents. We have gender in this world, and that is all there is too it. Children need gender roles, and by having only 1 parent of 1 gender, then they are starting off behind already.

 

Here is the bottom line.

 

Children who grow up in homes without a married mom and dad are far more likely to drop out of school, to abuse drugs and alcohol, to commit suicide and suffer from depression, to engage in early promiscuous sex, to become pregnant, to contract an STD, to suffer poverty, and to be incarcerated. End of story.

Edited May 6, 2012 by standtall

[findingnemo]

Thanks everybody. I'm glad to see that in this very liberal world logic still makes sense.

 

Hers is definitely an emotional argument. I forgot to say that she thinks her feelings are more pronounced because her only child is autistic. She would like to have another child who isn't. She thinks it's unfair that it should be seen as bizarre. She has no issues with finances...today. Doesn't expect any in the future but is aware of course that shyte happens.

 

On the emotional level, I get what she feels. On a logical and pratical level I see big problems for her and the child in the future. But I do agree that logic will not prevail or at least it won't dent her thinking right now.

 

I once had a discussion with a friend who wanted to get pregnant by a sperm donor. I asked her if she knew who it was. The answer was no. I asked her what the heck she would tell that child when it is old enough to inquire. She was blank. You can't tell a child that it has no father in the real sense. That it was procured in a specialists office. She eventually did meet someone, marry and already has 5 kids!!! I know hat it happens, but what do people actually tell these babies?

 

So to me, right now my strongest emotional argument is what would you tell the child were the circumstances of his/her birth? Another thing I think she doesn't realize is that whoever the father is, there'll be a bond with him for the rest of her life. Imagine this kind of bond with someone you don't love. I'm having such a hard time with my stbxh that I can't imagine willfully doing this. She already has to deal with her xH because of her son. Now she's going to add another person to the mix?

 

Also turning 40 isn't a big deal when it comes to conceiving, is it? I suspect that her recent birthday may have added to her anxiety.

[Steen719]

Findingnemo,

Well she use a sperm donor?

I would have a couple of concerns. I know "we" don't really know why children are born with autism and not having an autistic child, I have no idea what it is like to deal with that. I have a good friend who teaches ESE classes and she told me that recently, studies had shown that, in addition to the mother's age, the father's age (over 35) seems to have something to do with autism. I looked it up and in one of my classes, we talked about it and I provided some information for them on it. I was very surprised. So, I guess I would be concerned how she was going to do it (sperm donor or w a M).

 

 

 

Another concern would be to think of the child's absence of father. I have a gay friend who had a baby while with her partner. They are now apart as a couple and she has primary responsibility, which causes a little friction. The thing that is really difficult is that the girl tells her mother that she wishes she had a father. She will manage, but it is a consideration.

 

 

If I were her, I would be concerned about having another child who was autistic, as even though it is not a great percentage, there is an increase in having another. Two special needs children would be so difficult to manage. The other thing is that the 2nd child, if "normal", also has some consideration. If something happens to the mom later, would the 2nd child, in adulthood, be responsible for the 1st or is the father involved? Would the 1st child always need care and special attention? Would that possibly take away from the 2nd child?

 

 

You are right; it is an emotional decision and one I would not wish to have to ponder for myself.

[TaraMaiden]

.....a friend of mine had a child by a father she then completely lost touch with, while pregnant.

 

The child grew but began to manifest certain medical conditions, but of course, the mother was unable to supply any information as to the origins of this condition, because it had been inherited from the father's side - but having no medical history, complicated matters and slowed the treatment process.

the child is fine, the condition completely under control.

but so much hard work, research and time-wasting could have been avoided with the appropriate input from the paternal side of things.....