Mystical_Nark Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 February of last year, I met my boyfriend on an online dating site. On December 27th we were able to meet face to face <3 Things have been going great. We get along and we have such a GREAT connection. I don't have serious complaints about our relationship, but I do feel like I could use some advice of others who are more experienced in LDR's. Most of his relationships have been LDR's; He is my FIRST LDR. We live 15 hours away from each other. He put in a request at work to see me for a week next month. I'm really hoping he gets to because for the past two months I've been feeling the sting of not being with him. When I dropped him off at the airport, I hated seeing him go but I really didn't bawl my eyes out or feel too mopey afterward. We went three months without skyping- we both were just so busy! And I didn't feel like we were drifting apart because we weren't. I know I'll be okay because I know we're strong enough to make this relationship work. But right now I feel so empty and lonely without him. Which is funny to me because I figured I would have felt like this when he first left. We talk about how we miss each other and how everything will be okay, and worth it in the end. He's busy working two jobs and trying to save enough money to move out of his state, and I'm a full time student who's on the verge of graduating this December. Recently my grandmother had surgery, and it was a pretty major surgery. She had a benign tumor removed from her brain this past Tuesday. It's just been very difficult for me to focus on anything else. I know he has his stuff going on, and he told me yesterday that he's been feeling lost and sad. I want to be there for him SO bad, just as I know he wants to be here for me during this rough time. Tonight we talked about our relationship, and how we love each other but sometimes I feel like he's not very supportive with his words. I told him I hate the distance, and he agreed he felt the same. He said that he's just used to it more than I am, and he says it so matter of fact that I don't feel as if he's being as supportive as he used to be when we had talks like this a few months ago. Even when I need emotional support concerning my worries with my grandma, he doesn't have much to say and I'm kind of met with silence. He told me that since everything was going good with her, he didn't understand why I was so worried. And I can see from that viewpoint, but at the same time I can't understand why he can't show more support. I know he's exhausted with his two jobs and I know he's not feeling as happy as he usually does, and I'm trying my best to see from both our perspectives. It's just hard at times, especially when all I want to do is hold him and not say anything at all. I would be completely content with that. He's an amazing boyfriend and treats me so good, and I hate posting on a forum airing a bit of our business, but when I talk to him I don't get a lot of feedback on some things, haha I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I don't really have any specific questions, I guess I just want to know if this is normal in LDR's. I mean we've been talking for little over a year and things are great. We both definitely don't want to give up on each other, or this relationship because we want to give our relationship a chance to grow. It just sucks not being with my boy, and sometimes feeling like he's too tired to understand my POV on what seems like his lack of support. Like I said I comprehend that he's tired and stressed, and same goes for me. So if anyone has made sense of this jumbled post, please let me know if this is normal and what I can do to chill out a bit, or whatever you think is necessary for me to know Thanks:laugh:
ladyabstrused Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 I think I know how you feel. I'm in a LDR myself and we face a lot more issues than just what you're talking about. I guess it is normal in LDRs because each of us don't get to spend time and understand each other's lives as deeply as we would be able to when we get to visualise and see things happen to our significant other. It takes a lot of communication in normal relationships, but especially even more in LDRs. Otherwise, it's going to be difficult to make it work. I believe that with more constant communication where both of you talk to each other about the events that happen in your lives, it would get better.
Author Mystical_Nark Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 For a a month or so, it seemed like we were burnt out on communication, which I understand because all we do is talk, and plus we see what we do on fb. Things are better now. I know you said you and your SO are facing a lot more problems, I hope everything is going better. Thanks for replying to my post. All my friends are either, married or dating someone locally, so I don't have another person to really talk to about it, and he's used to it lol So not much I can really get from him there, haha But thanks again
ladyabstrused Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I totally understand how that feels like when you can't really talk about it with your own friends! I face the same thing too. :\ Kind of sucks when I can't talk about my relationship with my own friends. They find it weird or something. When I just want to talk to them about my relationship problems, they think that I should face these issues myself cos I'm the one who signed up for a LDR. I kept to myself for almost 5 years now...and I can't take it. That's why I'm here. I just want to talk to people about my relationship. Cos it's getting harder and harder. And yeah! We burn out on communicating with each other too! Well I do...I don't really know about my SO. Lol.. sometimes I just get tired of talking (and then that brings up another whole new argument lol). I hope things will go well for you both. If you need to talk about your relationship, I'm up to hear about it. I'm sure the others on this forum are too. It really does help having just one other person to comment or say something because it's a form of motivation to keep going through the rough times. Thank you too for your well wishes.
pettie Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I think that's one of the most difficult things in a LDR - If you don't find support with your friends, it can get very complicated, as you are not able to vent with anybody. No one will fully understand, unless they have gone through the same before. About burning out on communication, I've found that making a little research in his interests (even if you don't share them), can help a lot in making conversation roll again. Also, we are not talking all the day - he has a much more limited internet access than me, which kinda sucked at the beggining, but thing is that we are not in permanent contact throughout the day. That also helps with having "something to talk about" when we get together on skype, facebook or the phone later. Also, talk about your daily life, mention family and friends by their names, so he feels more involved and then will start to do the same with you. You'll find that you'll be much more "inside" his life and eventually eager to put a face to those names. When I first met my boyfriend's family, it was very easy to start conversation with them, as I had heard from them from so long, same with friends.
Author Mystical_Nark Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I would get weird looks all the time when people would ask about my boyfriend and how we met. It can really put a damper on your mood when no one even wants to consider a LDR an actual relationship. Five years?! o_O It's good that you're opening up about it, though!! Same goes for you!! It's just nice to talk about it, gain a new perspective, make new friends and feel some sort of peace by others who can relate to you on some level.
Author Mystical_Nark Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I think that's one of the most difficult things in a LDR - If you don't find support with your friends, it can get very complicated, as you are not able to vent with anybody. No one will fully understand, unless they have gone through the same before. About burning out on communication, I've found that making a little research in his interests (even if you don't share them), can help a lot in making conversation roll again. Also, we are not talking all the day - he has a much more limited internet access than me, which kinda sucked at the beggining, but thing is that we are not in permanent contact throughout the day. That also helps with having "something to talk about" when we get together on skype, facebook or the phone later. Also, talk about your daily life, mention family and friends by their names, so he feels more involved and then will start to do the same with you. You'll find that you'll be much more "inside" his life and eventually eager to put a face to those names. When I first met my boyfriend's family, it was very easy to start conversation with them, as I had heard from them from so long, same with friends. I've been trying to learn more about foreign films, video games (I play not but not much a gamer) and different cultures, especially his. He's the first guy who actually has invoked interest from my part without me feeling like I have to be this type of girl for him. Thank you for the advice though!!
Author Mystical_Nark Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I totally understand how that feels like when you can't really talk about it with your own friends! I face the same thing too. :\ Kind of sucks when I can't talk about my relationship with my own friends. They find it weird or something. When I just want to talk to them about my relationship problems, they think that I should face these issues myself cos I'm the one who signed up for a LDR. I kept to myself for almost 5 years now...and I can't take it. That's why I'm here. I just want to talk to people about my relationship. Cos it's getting harder and harder. And yeah! We burn out on communicating with each other too! Well I do...I don't really know about my SO. Lol.. sometimes I just get tired of talking (and then that brings up another whole new argument lol). I hope things will go well for you both. If you need to talk about your relationship, I'm up to hear about it. I'm sure the others on this forum are too. It really does help having just one other person to comment or say something because it's a form of motivation to keep going through the rough times. Thank you too for your well wishes. I would get weird looks all the time when people would ask about my boyfriend and how we met. It can really put a damper on your mood when no one even wants to consider a LDR an actual relationship. Five years?! o_O It's good that you're opening up about it, though!! Same goes for you!! It's just nice to talk about it, gain a new perspective, make new friends and feel some sort of peace by others who can relate to you on some level.
ladyabstrused Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Thanks for your encouraging words, Mystical. You're right really, sometimes people can't even grasp how LDRs can even work and then it just makes me unmotivated. :\
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