I had the affair...and am ambivalent about reconciliation.

[Furious]

In a nutshell

 

 

Second marriage ends badly, drains your wallet.

 

Third wife, dependable, earns good money, gives you pedicures, plucks the hair out of your ears. If she wiped your ass after a shat, i'm sure you would appreciate that too. Only problem is sex ain't as good as in your second marriage. Meanwhile your the perfect husband even though you don't enjoy the sex so much. You go to church, pray often., that should make you a good person right?

 

Then along comes Ann, she's younger, has a history of drug abuse, doesn't think twice about seducing her friend's husband. You have an affair with Ann, she has rescued from your third marriage, kind of like how your third wife rescued you from your second marriage.

 

You are now separated from third wife, and just going through the motions of MC, but you are still cursing those darn romance chemicals in your brain, you think of lovely Ann often and miss her.

 

You still pray a lot, but know enjoy margaritas for breakfast to get your workday started. You are not sexually attracted to your overweight wife, and even though you complained that she selfish in her career, and poor you cooked and did the dishes, you don't agree with your wife's suggestion she cut back her hours at work so she can spend more time with you and help out more around the house, you say no, cause what about the money, you can't afford her cut in pay.

 

So is that about right, or did I miss something?

[Character Floss]

I read up on Beta Males...no, not really me. Others consider me fiercely competitive but I choose my battles. Easily dominate group discussions if unaware of myself, so consciously keep my mouth shut with the intent of drawing others out; at some points, if something important is being missed, certainly I speak up. However, I enjoy/am wired to do for others. Flip side, another dad at a basketball game was P-O'd at me. I'm 6'2", 230, and he was a farmer who dwarfed me. I told the ref that if he went after me, that was his choice and I had not quarrel with him, but I was going to kill him or get beaten to pieces trying (felt I could). I wasn't about to "fight" or "box" someone who outweighed me by 70lbs or more and had no qualms breaking his windpipe, etc., if he came after me. I don't know if this makes me a beta male, alpha male, or just a guy who chooses his battles carefully but plays to win.

 

Idea of love: Back to unicorns and rainbows. Agreed to a degree, though I'd lasso my wife into a similar category. She would often look at me and say, "What we share is so rare, so uncommon and beautiful. The connection...I feel for those who don't." She uses more words than I do. Love is shown by what we do, I think, as well as what we say; but I think love is a MOTIVATION more than anything. So my wife wanting me back, if possible, is a loving action if motivated by love; selfish if motivated by fear. However, I hear you and I have to watch that. Understand that having a lot more energy (and doing some things better, cooking, maybe even laundry), I probably squeezed my wife out of things...thinking that it would do us/her good for her to have more down time. In the end all it did was condition her not to be concerned about my needs. I think there is a genuine emotional component in love though that says, "It's not just what you do, but it's the fact that YOU are the one doing it," or the reverse (doing for) that makes it so special.

 

On wife wiping my arse: Thank you, no. Yes, about every six weeks she would cut my toenails. When we first met, sometimes that included a footrub. She cuts her mom's nails, too. Every week or two she used to pluck my ears. That ended too. Not all the time, I rub her feet, hands, shoulders, put her head in my lap to stroke her brow till she falls asleep. She gave to me more, personally, early on; that's not unusual, as life happens.

 

Furious: I was divorced two years before meeting wife; she only "rescued me" in the ensuing fights. My wife is not that overweight and when she weighed more, that did not dampen attraction because it began in the heart/mind and was expressed through the body. Heck, Ann may weigh more than she does...I don't know. I'm not a good person, and the money is not there for her to cut back, at least not now. And there's a difference between "complaining about hours" and your spouse finding his/her identity in a job, especially one without the rewards. She's realigned this past year in that regard, is down to 40 hours and out. Oh, I never used to drink...so I gave that stuff to a co-worker who often has friends over to enjoy with them. Bad trail to start down.

 

Radagast (who were the other two Istari? We don't know): Thank you for sharing your experience. Last night went fine...saw my wife in pajamas for the first time in five years. Made a good dinner for all of us, etc., even enjoyed time...but found myself flooded with anger after I left and could not fall asleep till about 1:30!

 

nemo: I hear you on the selfishness, the necessary self-care and that is my big hurdle. No, there wasn't seething resentment while doing or before...I think last night's anger was just the feeling of being sucked back in. I've rarely noticed any actual resentment when doing something...BUT...I have felt it before, when I had to make the choice.

 

just keep swimming.

[Owl]

What were you angry about?

[Character Floss]

Owl, I feel like I am being absorbed again into the relationship with my wife and her son/my stepson. It's the, "Hey, I did bring many of these issues up over the years, but now that I have shut down, and have had an affair, you want to make these changes?"

 

I also am feeling "not heard" in the marriage therapy, when I have explained my feelings/lack thereof, the therapist has redirected--I think because he did not think it was time to explore. "Oh, that's just Floss saying that." My wife cast this in terms of me losing my salvation...

 

I'm angry because I can't justify divorce under compatability issues that are not reflective of deep, core conflicts or problems. It's a bit city mouse/country mouse, and I'm tired of trying to cram into the mold that is more acceptable to my wife and her family.

 

Breakthrough: it was apparent in counseling that when I brought up something that had hurt me, my wife was more concerned with showing why I should not have been hurt, and one time she said, "Lightbulb, so I'm making this about me." I know I have hurt, perhaps devastated her, and it's nobody's fault but mine. I can deal at that level...and after I've been checked out, after my wife is in danger of losing me...now let me work on things, put on pajamas (instead of sweats, shirt, hoody), let me give to you.

 

It's not too little (I never wanted more on this one) but it feels too late, and it feels like the goal of the therapist has been to slow this down so I say, "Yeah, she is a great woman (and she is), so let's just stay here."

 

I think I can say...hey, you are a beautiful woman, engaging and intelligent...but...you aren't that "to me" and it be OK...that it is, what it is.

 

Anger: feeling that I am resigning myself to go back (with all the work that entails) and give up on...going after more.

 

First wife (one who died...not at honeymoom...but 6.5 years into marriage, 8 years into knowing one another): I knew, BOOM, I wanted to be in her life forever and I pursued her.

 

Second wife: she pursued me, but the attraction was mutual.

 

Current wife: more of a, "Hmm, what makes sense, this makes sense" coupled with her rescuing me. I did break up a few times before we were married and she really cast it in "eternal terms," if you will...giving in to my carnal nature, etc...did some weird things (sat on my foot so I might hurt her to get out the door), and I felt worn down. This last October I told her I wanted out, and she told me I had two hours to get everything I ever wanted out (house is in her name). I was fine with that...told her that, started packing...knew what I could leave behind (MOST STUFF), but was OK...so then she started begging please, just listen to her...that talk (mainly her talking) went on four hours, non-stop, till I was damned near falling asleep and said, "OK, I won't go." I was worn out mentally/emotionally. I am sure she was.

 

Where I have trouble saying "NO" is when the other person pleads/asks, "Just listen to me." With us that has usually turned into her talking for several hours...and again, with her background, too often cast against some eternal backdrop.

 

There's my anger.

[Owl]

I'm going to give you the opposite side of the coin, Floss.

 

YOU had an affair, cheated on your wife...and now you're angry at her because she's trying to reconcile with you???

 

Two thoughts.

 

First, what you're feeling is pretty typical. My wife had some of that same resentment at first...until she realized how unreasonable she was being.

 

Second...either choose to work on the marriage or file for divorce. You're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, when in reality you're the one to blame for the situation you're in. Sure, your wife may not have done things you wanted her to do over the years...not reacted in ways that you wanted/needed. I get that.

 

But dude...you stepped out on her, and she's still willing to give you the chance to reconcile with her.

 

If you can't keep that in mind, and view what it takes for her to do that...it's time to move on. You don't need some grandiose reason to divorce...most states are 'no fault'...just file.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'm sensing a bit of a pity party going on...you feel sorry for yourself, and you're not able to get out of that and look at the picture from outside of yourself. If you can't do that...there's no basis for reconciliation. End it and call the marriage roadkill. Or open your eyes, look at what's gone on and what's going on, and do something to fix the sitaution before your wife gives up on you and files herself.

[Character Floss]

You are right: there is self-pity here, the, "Dammit, why did you want to reconcile?" kind.

 

You are right: I betrayed her, not the other way around.

 

The only place where I differ a bit from what you are saying is this: If I "jump in" to get back together, I'll be faking it at this point. Not sure if he's right, but the view of the therapist is, "SLOW IS BETTER. WHETHER YOU RECONCILE OR SPLIT, DON'T DO IT TILL YOU HAVE REALLY EXAMINED YOURSELVES, YOUR ISSUES AND THE ONE-ANOTHER."

 

I guess I'm not really concerned about her calling it quits, not because I think she won't/wouldn't, but I know I'd be fine other than a few years of super-cheap living. If, however, I genuinely begin to miss her, more than on a once in a few week basis (she told me she was putting my cologne on her pillow), then I'll know there is something there and go for it. I'm in absolute NC with OW, so it's not that.

 

But if after all this, and the changes she is making, I really just do not miss her/think of her when apart (other than the "I should check in") then there is nothing left. I've been saying that, to her and the MT, for months, but am being asked/told to give it time.

[Owl]

Then give it time...or don't.

 

Understand something...I'm an "action oriented advice giver".

 

You don't like the situation you're in? You have two choices...accept it for what it is, or do something to change it.

 

As I mentioned earlier...OW was/is a drug. It takes time and NC to wear off...she'll be on your mind for a while. And while she's on your mind...your wife won't be.

 

As you invested in your affair, you stopped investing in your marriage. The relationship that thrives is the one you feed...sounds to me like you both stopped feeding your marriage a while ago, and even though your wife is trying to do so now, you're not really willing to risk putting any effort into it.

 

Do, or do not.

 

Choose to work on the marriage wholeheartedly...or don't.

 

If you truly don't love your wife enough to put any effort into this...then file for divorce rather than let yourselves waste more time and effort on this situation.

 

Or if you do love her...then start owning fixing the situation.

 

Realize I honestly don't have a vested interest in this...I'm just offering you the best advice I can give you.

[Character Floss]

Well OWL, I went to her house last night...in hopes of watching Deadliest Catch with her and my stepson; regrettably, it was The Voice.

 

It was a terrible show, we felt, and I tucked her in bed halfway though it and headed back up here (about 15 miles or so). I sat with her as she fell asleep, and it was OK. I was exhausted and she was astute, and she asked if I had come out of obligation; it wasn't that, but it was out of keeping my word that I would be by.

 

Tonight she asked to talk about power and relationships, now that is played out in the bedroom, and how all relationships are power transfers and, if not open about it, struggles. She is a strong woman, and I think, from our talk, that her heart's desire is to find someone "worthy" of her submission.

 

That isn't me, certainly not now, if ever.

 

We also discussed how I am uncomfortable in my own skin; I can dominate a situation or event, but genuinely would rather hear what others have to say unless we are in crisis mode, so I really dial back. That might not be good all the time/there may be other alternatives.

 

The problem for me was with all the talk of sexual intimacy, not only was I not the slightest bit interested, but I was having truly negative thoughts. So when she wanted to know my thoughts, I shared, honestly, directly but in as kind a manner as I could. I don't think I love her...value her...heck, she said I don't value or respect her...and while the talk was gentle in nature, it was honest.

 

I do not understand why she loves me. One important question I asked, though: Is her commitment to our marriage coming out of "simple" love, or is it more because of her character; she is not the kind of person to give up for fear of pain or effort?

 

She assured me that she knows who she is, knows her strength and worth, and that it was entirely a matter of her love for me--and I admit, I don't understand that. I have loved, but I would readily step back if I saw the other person did not love me or was deeply unhappy.

 

I also openly brought up that I am wearying of supporting my stepson (almost 20) as he fails community college (car, gas, allowance, clothes, etc), and that our sex life took a dramatic turn for the worse once he stopped going to bed at 8PM years ago (ranch house, no split bedrooms). At the same time I think it absolutely wrong that she should in any way choose between her son and husband. It was an honest talk, and she is thinking of pushing him out anyway, she said. Regrettably I expressed my disbelief (in my opinion she has coddled him ever since I knew them). Not believing her words set off another difficult rabbit trail.

 

She knows I will come back, do what is necessary on the security items, work to rearrange the finances so perhaps she can stay home, or at least she can cut her hours significantly. She also knows that I may never "want her" again.

 

I tried to explain--and it was the truth--I never noticed resentment at what I was doing, etc., till it was as if, "Boom," I really no longer cared, from the heart. It was like a tree that grew up in a night without ever noticing a seedling. That is how it seemed to me, and that point was well before the affair, and probably how I justified it.

 

So I think it's over. The marriage therapist does not believe (at least in this town) that another relationship/marriage is likely in the works for her, that there really is a "good man" out there who will mesh with her, who does not have such financial and other baggage, who can appreciate all that she is and also offer her an environment where she can flourish. She is 44, attractive, driven, loyal (to a fault?), blazingly smart, organized, dedicated, caring, giving...

 

She summed it up in MT, and tonight: "You're just not into me." In the sense that I feel we have such different tastes in so many of the little things, no, I'm not.

 

I'll give it to Saturday, when we are due to meet again with the therapist, and then I have to act.

 

Oh, we also discussed how I had begun drinking at work, and I think that disgusted her. That's fine. I've gotten rid of the stuff, won't drink anything again unless/until I know I am not doing so out of some "need," and I'll take it from there. I can't afford the slow suicide of addiction!

 

Thanks for your action-oriented advice.

[Furious]

Are you looking for advice or just want to vent?

 

It appears you are done with your marriage and ready to move on.

 

If so, good luck to you, and your soon to be ex-wife.

[Character Floss]

and very sad.

 

I know she's a wonderful woman/good catch and all that, but anything I would give her from would only come from my head and be mixed with the doubt/guilt of knowing how I (don't) feel, and that she is a wonderful woman.

 

Dammit this is sad, and truth be told I'd do anything never to have chosen to have the affair, to undo it; that would not fix things, as the affair was a symptom as well as a cause, but maybe we could have made it. We never took the weekend trips, the time away, really, not since maybe 2006...one vacation I think...maybe we just needed to care and connect, but it's too late now.

 

I can't imagine how she hurts, and I hope (for her as well as me) that her hurt turns to anger and gives her strength.

[alexandria35]

Do you live in a teeny town or something? Why does your therapist think there is no chance of your wife finding a relationship with another man? Has he shared his bleak outlook for your wife with her? That seems such a negative thing for anyone to say. Has he told her she should stay with you because there won't be anyone else out there for her?

[Character Floss]

It is a town of 200,000 or so. Maybe he is basing it on the hurt, maybe that she is not a very social person/limited sphere of connections, maybe just on what he has seen the past ten years.

 

I don't thinks so. I think she is a beautiful, caring and giving woman, and any man (who was "into" her) would be drawn and never want to leave. She has a captivating smile, and captivating eyes. What I first noticed about her was that when she found something funny, she laughed out loud, unashamed, a clear tone.

 

Maybe the therapist thinks finding someone who is done with kids, etc., might be difficult, but I know that she would partner/marry someone in his early sixties, even, if he had the character she desired.

 

She and I talked last night. It was clear that as far as she sees it, my reluctance is choice, pure and simple; and that doing the right thing, the "biblical" thing, means choosing to honor my commitment to her and reuniting, and in effect, telling my heart what to do.

 

I asked if what she was saying was that as long as I treated her well, always spoke kindly, gently and with love to her, yet at the end of the day (or forty years) she knew it was because I saw it as the honorable thing to do, and wanted to do the honorable thing (not, wanted to spend my life with her), would that be all right? She answered that it would be, that doing the right and honorable thing was in itself enough.

 

I am sad and relieved. At 12:30 she simply told me good-bye and hung up the phone.

[Radagast]

Character Floss I am sorry for the pain you are going through but I do believe that living authentically really matters and you need to do whatever will help you to live that way.

[KathyM]

I haven't read the entire thread, but just to respond to the the OP, I do know a couple who lost the love they had for each other, separated for several months, and then because the wife decided she wanted to make the marriage work, she invested her time and energy in rebuilding the marriage, and they now have a happy marriage, and were able to regain the feelings they once had for each other. Of course, in your case, there is a long term affair in the picture, and you actually love Ann and not your wife. Therefore, I don't think it makes sense to try to salvage your marriage at this point. Too much has happened to damage it, and your feelings are elsewhere.

[irin]

i didnt read all the posts

but this kinda sounds like you might be having a mid-life crises

[Character Floss]

It is my wife who is having the real pain. For me, it is sadness.

 

She simply said, "Why won't you decide to love me?"

 

I used to think love was purely a choice; I now see it as how we treat others, and also why: the motivation.

 

She told me that doing what is honorable is sufficient; to choose to love her (actions and words) not because I want to be with her, but because I want to do what is right.

 

Kathy...thank you for the word of encouragement. The A lasted October-Mid November (infrequent sex), then without sex, Nov-February, then on again, halfway through February to the end of it. Funny, we really did not have sex/make love all that often, and when I say it continued, we weren't even kissing, but we did things together, talked a lot, etc. So yeah, call it an EA for months, even if I didn't think I was getting something charged out of it, followed by a PA/EA for about five months.

 

I feel I cannot measure up to my wife's standards; she maintains I simply am choosing not to. Semantics...thanks all, but I caused the pain, and she is the one in it.

[Character Floss]

Spoke to him this morning...he is advising we just not talk to each other for a couple of days and then, we have an appointment Saturday, talk then. He'd like us to come to the decision--either way--with the "homework" done, so to speak.

 

He does not deny the validity of emotions but he does think (and I agree) that we need to test them, and hopefully, not make decisions either way purely out of an emotional response.

 

Well, we won't talk today. I was going to separate the cell phones, etc., and again, his advice: we had a rough phone call, meet and talk with boundaries/help and confirm what each of us expects/understands/wants/is willing to do, and then act. I doin't think that's bad advice.

 

Missing the tequila I gave away!

[Character Floss]

To move to the divorce forum...

 

Anyone else, even if you were the really unhappy spouse, feel just sick after realizing it's over?

[woinlove]

Sorry that you and your wife are drowning in pain and sadness. It is really too bad that deception and betrayal had to be part of ending your M. However, what is done is done, and all you can do now is try to treat yourself and others with more respect and care.

 

Divorces almost always bring pain, but they can still be done with respect and as much kindness as possible. Seems like a lot of that should fall on your shoulders, as the least you can do, having chosen to end things through the mess of involving an affair partner. I think if you are committed to doing the best you can, you can carry that weight fine, and can also learn why you chose to end things this way rather than more respectfully. That lesson will be useful in any future R. Good luck to both of you.

[Character Floss]

I've wondered if I tried to end things this way or not.

 

I think what the affair did was bring to light how seriously dissatisfied I was. Sadly when that light went off with my wife, she really wanted to dive into it, find the cause and change. She and Owl would get along...she is much more about action and less on motive.

 

As she said last night in her den/office, "I'd just as soon shoot you as look at you."

 

Sometimes that is a joke; other times a mask.

 

I will be gentle. I owe her that much. I will be respectful.

 

I wish I earned more, as the plan I have "for her" to take the marital debts puts my outflow at about 80% of my net (generous, voluntary settlement on second marriage) so it will be touch and go for a few years. I would like it not to be touch and go, and I'd like to support her better; she did change her life dramatically to be with me.

[woinlove]

I've wondered if I tried to end things this way or not.

 

I think what the affair did was bring to light how seriously dissatisfied I was. Sadly when that light went off with my wife, she really wanted to dive into it, find the cause and change. She and Owl would get along...she is much more about action and less on motive.

 

As she said last night in her den/office, "I'd just as soon shoot you as look at you."

 

Sometimes that is a joke; other times a mask.

 

I will be gentle. I owe her that much. I will be respectful.

 

I wish I earned more, as the plan I have "for her" to take the marital debts puts my outflow at about 80% of my net (generous, voluntary settlement on second marriage) so it will be touch and go for a few years. I would like it not to be touch and go, and I'd like to support her better; she did change her life dramatically to be with me.

 

Tried to or not doesn't matter, except to you, perhaps - for learning why you made the choices you did and whether you'd want to do the same thing again or learn to change. But whether you tried or not, you did. This is how your M is ending, with your W reeling from the pain of betrayal and you having feelings of two women whirling around inside you (even if the feelings for your W are only guilt, sadness, whatever, they are feelings and important ones at that).

 

I suspect, any sound-minded person who embarks on an A has some wee part of them knowing that this might end their M. I know most push that away, convince themselves it won't happen, but I think it is still there somewhere. I'm not saying you would not be divorcing at this time if you had not had an A. Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. But the fact is you did have an A and that is the condition under which you are divorcing and that brings in its own complexity that will eventually need to be sorted out by each of you in your own way. I've heard that it takes 2-5 years to fully reconcile a M after an A, and I suspect it is not much shorter than that for each to fully reconcile with themselves in the case of an affair-divorce mix.

[SandieBeach]

I've wondered if I tried to end things this way or not.

 

I think what the affair did was bring to light how seriously dissatisfied I was. Sadly when that light went off with my wife, she really wanted to dive into it, find the cause and change. She and Owl would get along...she is much more about action and less on motive.

 

As she said last night in her den/office, "I'd just as soon shoot you as look at you."

 

Sometimes that is a joke; other times a mask.

 

I will be gentle. I owe her that much. I will be respectful.

 

I wish I earned more, as the plan I have "for her" to take the marital debts puts my outflow at about 80% of my net (generous, voluntary settlement on second marriage) so it will be touch and go for a few years. I would like it not to be touch and go, and I'd like to support her better; she did change her life dramatically to be with me.

 

 

Sometimes the best thing for those in pain is to have the bandage pulled off as quickly as possible. You go on and on about how understanding and gentle you will be with your wife, which to me just seems like you are prolonging her pain. Prolonging it because she's hoping that underneath your "gentleness" there is a potential of working things out. Consequently, it seems to me that you are being very manipulative with her..nothing feeds low-self esteem better than when someone would pretty much give up anything for you.

 

Your wife will be fine, she will move on and meet someone who will appreciate her for who she is. It will take some time for her to see who you truly are. Right now she believes she loves you, but I gather she loves the idea of you more than you. How can we really love and appreciate someone if we don't know who they are?

 

I apologize if I am sounding too harsh, CF...I find your posts a little too gut-wrenching: your poetic prose in describing the pain that your actions inflicted upon your wife strikes me as very cold. I do want to point out that I don't think a person should stay married if s/he doesn't love the spouse, so you are within your rights to leave and seek happiness elsewhere.

[Character Floss]

My writing style sucks sometimes.

 

I understand that I will never "get" the pain I have caused my wife. And I get that the injury is mine to own. She isn't willing to do anything to have me back; quite the contrary, she is who she is, and is strong and will not compromise on that.

 

She is also saying that it is not in her character not to forgive, to lock someone in the definition created by the things they have done. She knows her faults and failures, and she believes that as a matter of character (and beliefs of faith) it is simply wrong to divorce, especially when two people have the capacity to treat each other well, regardless of the motivation.

 

All I mean by "kind" during the process is this: She gave me a large tool chest one birthday, and a Big Green Egg Grill/table another. I never took my computer out of the house as that seemed too permanent. I have probably $500 worth of radio equipment at the house.

 

I will ask for my computer. I will find any tools I have borrowed to use where I am living now and return them. I won't fuss about my tools, the grill, or anything else. If she wants me to remove the radio stuff, I will. If not, I'll post an ad for someone to come take it out for the stuff it said (remove it, and you keep it). If she never wants to lay eyes on me again, that's how I'll be.

 

When I moved out I immediately gave her my ATM card, gas credit card, garage door opener, etc., wanting her to feel in charge of her world. That's still how I feel; it is her place, even if my name were on it. So I'll be as much of a non-entity as she wants in the process. We have no real joint assets, so we may even file pro se. My state has the forms online and I have completed them, and I think that taking all the marital debt and some pre-marital debt of hers is not unreasonable given what I have done, and on the other side, given our nearly equal income, likely more than a judge would award.

 

I've screwed her life over enough by the affair and by not wanting to reconcile. Yeah, I don't want to screw her over financially, for my sake, I am sure, but also for her sake.

[Character Floss]

Ahhh, so a spouse who cheats and then divorces/relationship ends in divorce, owes the other his/her shirt off his/her back?

 

Why not just require castration, or castration and the shirt?

 

Really, what is the rationale for that? Is it something like, "No suffering would be enough to make up for what you have done?"

 

If it is, I agree...no amount of suffering would ever make up for what I have done.

 

If there is no restorative virtue, then is it simply vindictiveness?

 

I'm glad you feel certain in your diagnoses across the ethernet, although I will concede one point:

 

I am concerned that there is a deep character flaw (hence the screen name) that manifests itself in entirely closing out someone emotionally. We can debate the other years of the marriage, or perhaps at some point my wife might even debate you (doubt it).

 

It's always sad when a relationship that has the potential to be very good dies. Our time in MT has been filled with the little, barely spoken, unfinished understandings shared by two people who care for one another and know one another well.

[findingnemo]

What deep character flaw? I'm sorry, Floss, but I see this very differently. You should never in my opinion married your current W. The whole thing was flawed from the get go. And while I accept that she feels betrayed by the A, I find it really selfish that she should want you to stay out of obligation...out of "doing the right thing".

 

You should own your part in an A 100%, but your M was flawed and that goes 50/50. Instead of your W trying to use MC to figure out what her contribution is, it seems to me her goal is to ensure you don't leave. Why? And do I understand correctly that most things she says are peppered with the Christian POV? Eternal stuff?? What does that mean?

 

Look, you are unhappy, were unhappy but you have a chance at being happy alone or finding someone else in your future. So please don't get guilt tripped into worrying about her future emotional health. It's a trap. It is her responsibility to find happiness that is not dependent on having a H. That is not dependent on you being in her life. So DO NOT even start worrying about how she'll cope. She will.

 

I don't know why I sense that all this mess has been caused by you not being in tune with your feelings from way back before you even met your current W. If you are sorry about anything, be sorry that she got into a M with you while you were not ready. But at the same time, I wonder if the kinds of conversations you're having now didn't happen even before you were M.

 

The ambivalence you have isn't an indictment on your W. The fact is you are in the wrong place and no matter how rosy it is painted, you will remain there if you don't change things. If you stay M, this mental break will become more and more pronounced. Your W will hurt more and you will have gained nothing but misery. Listen to your instincts and walk. Walk with no regrets. Your W will be fine.